Month: September 2002

    Fighting Terrorism

    Citing security concerns, officials at Pittsburgh International Airport recently dedicated a replica of a Tyrannosaurus Rex by tearing the ribbon with their hands. In a totally unrelated story, FBI agents were called to the scene when passengers boarding a flight noticed a suspicious-looking individual attempting to fit a four-foot-long pair of novelty scissors in an overhead storage compartment.

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    Dog Park

    After watching Kristin’s dog for a week, I have come to the conclusion that two dogs are better than one. Many great comedy legends have come in pairs such as Cheech and Chong, Penn and Teller, and Warren Beatty and Dustin Hoffman (as seen in the 1987 full-length motion picture “Ishtar”). These groups’ total value is greater than the sum of their parts. For example, when Penn leaves the room all that is left is a curly haired mute fellow wearing a suit quietly preparing for the moment when he will extract his revenge on his cruel comedy partner. I […]

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    In Military News

    President Bush became upset with Germany this week for refusing to support the United States regarding military action against Iraq. Many Democrats in the Senate responded to the incident by stating, “You know your battle plan sucks, Mr. President, when even Germany turns down your invitation to start a war.”

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    Cleaning Up

    Accused of looting hundreds of millions of dollars from Tyco International, former CEO Dennis Kozlowski now faces federal charges of corruption, conspiracy, and grand larceny. One of the prosecuting attorneys in the case went on record saying, “Six thousand dollars for a shower curtain! What does he think this is, the military?”

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    The Internet Cafe

    The scene opens with a wide shot of an average-looking bar. A dozen or so people are sitting around talking. A very typical bar scene. Two guys walk through the bar. They are wearing nice pants, dress shirts, and ties. They sit down at two empty seats at the bar. Andy: Bartender, can we get two beers, please? Bartender: Coming right up. Carl: I was hoping that we could have been on the 8 o’clock flight home. I can’t believe how picky those guys were about some of the fine points of our proposal for their web site. Andy: Well, […]

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    Election Coverage

    After a close election in the Democratic nomination for governor of Florida, former Clinton administration attorney general Janet Reno conceded defeat to Tampa lawyer and first-time candidate Bill McBride. While generally cordial, she ended her concession speech by saying, “Sure, Mr. McBride seems like a nice enough guy, but when push comes to shove does he have the nerve to send fully armed SWAT teams to extract little five-year-old boys from their bed in the middle of the night? I highly doubt it.”

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    Gods Playing Poker

    Close up of finger pressing doorbell. Doorbell rings. Door opens. The view is of the closed door from the outside. Thor is inside and opens the door. Thor: Jesus Christ! You decided to come after all! The view changes to inside looking out the door at Jesus Christ. Jesus: Thor, my child, it is a pleasure to see you again. Thor: I’m the God of Thunder– I’m not your child! Jesus: I’m sorry Thor, you are right. I’ve been spending a lot of time around humans lately. Just this morning I produced my image in a tortilla in a small […]

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    Raising Security

    Faced with shrinking profit margins, airlines in the United States are imposing new fees to help boost their bottom line. At various airports around the country, for example, passengers going through security can pay forty dollars to walk past Federal screeners and submit to an extensive “hand search” by perky eighteen year old women in Hooters outfits.

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    In Box Office news

    The low-budget, independently produced film, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” reached the number one spot for box office revenue this week. After being released in April, the feel-good romantic comedy steadily climbed the charts– beating out several movies featuring high-profile actors and state-of-the-art special effects. Taking note of the unexpected success, Hollywood recently green-lighted a similar script involving an engaged couple facing ethnic differences, family conflicts, and time-traveling aliens (played by Julia Roberts and Denzel Washington) who employ their arsenal of futuristic weapons to disrupt the wedding.

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    In School News

    Parents in Aspen, Colorado claim that plans to teach yoga violate federal rulings that bar religion in the classroom. The district’s yoga program was developed after September 11 to help make children feel safer in school. When questioned about this controversy, President Bush responded, “Before we let this issue create a division among us, we need to all sit down and listen to what the little green Muppet fella has to say.”

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