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Chronic Pain

Hundreds of people in England are being recruited to take Cannabis after operations. In the clinical study, 400 patients will test a Cannabis-based prototype produced by GW Pharmaceuticals to determine the drug’s effectiveness in reducing post-operative pain. The announcement of this study sent the companies stock up 7.5 percent to a two-month high. The stock then put on “Dark Side of the Moon,” ate an entire bag of nacho-flavored Doritos, and spent several hours contemplating the contours on the palm of its hand.

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One Large French Fry

The continuing heat wave in Europe has reportedly led to 3,000 deaths in France. While neighboring countries called on military forces to help deal with the problem, France has been busy drafting a United Nations proposal asking the local climate to refrain from being so hot.

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DVD Lo Down

Forty-two million pirated CDs and DVDs were destroyed in Beijing as Chinese authorities demonstrated their commitment to enforce international copywright laws. One movie executive in the United States commented, “While this is a step in the right direction, a closer examination of the situation showed an overwhelming majority of the pirated material was the movie ‘Gigli’ starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. I mean, really, who was going to watch that anyway?”

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Flights of Fancy

The Hong Kong based Blue Box Toys company announced plans to distribute a one-foot-tall GI Joe doll of the president called “Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush– U.S. President and Naval Aviator.” A spokesperson for the company commented, “We are excited to release this new doll, especially after the marketing department killed plans for a ‘National Guard Deserter– you can’t spell AWOL without a Dubya’ childrens toy.”