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Hot Potato

A 6-foot tall, 150-pound Mr. Potato Head statue once used by the Rhode Island Tourism Division was stolen Friday from the driveway of a private home in Newport, Rhode Island. After hearing the news, the search for a 6-foot tall letter “E” was initiated by former Vice President Dan Quayle.

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Horror Story

In a recent Los Angeles Times interview, Stephen King announced he would soon be “done with writing.” While many fans will miss King’s unique horror-genre novels, television executives have calmed a nervous public by confirming a steady stream of crappy made-for-T.V. movies will be released through the 2023 television season.

The Silver Screams

Welcome to the first debate for the 2004 Presidential Election here on the Fox News Network. We have with us, from the Republican side, current President George “Dubya” Bush. Representing the Democrats tonight is Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman. In order to give the American people more of what we think they want, the theme of this debate is “Politics at the Movies.” Every statement must contain at least one cinematic reference. But enough of the small talk– we begin with an opening statement from George Bush.

Bush: I’m sure my opponent will try and change the subject with all kinds of facts relating to how I have been running this country over the past three years. But first I would like to point out that Mr. Lieberman shares more than a passing resemblance to Star Wars’ Senator Palpatine.

Lieberman: What? That was a movie, and besides, it takes place in a galaxy far, far away. Go back and look at my voting record– I have never endorsed building a Death Star in my fourteen years as a congressman.

Announcer: Whoa there, Senator! You should know our broadcast well enough not to bring up vague notions like your voting record. Please stay focused on the matter at hand, or you won’t get any more camera time.

Bush: Death Star, huh, we could use something like that in the War on Terror. We could set it on “singe” and take Afghanistan right off the map! I wonder how much Haliburton would charge us to build one under the table. Dangit–am I talking out loud again?

Lieberman: Fine… if I’m the evil Senator, that means Bush is Jar-Jar Binks! I’ll concede there isn’t much of physical resemblance, but they both have wacky accents, and, well, let’s face it— they are both bumbling idiots.

Bush: Mr. Lieberman, we have a little saying where I come from. I can’t remember it off the top of my head, and even if I could, I probably wouldn’t say it right on the first try anyway. Going back to Jar-Jar Binks– Despite his unusual accent and awkward adolescence, Jar-Jar bravely served in the military defending his planet from the evil invasion force. Several years later, a more wise and conservative Mr. Binks became a public servant and assisted Queen Amidala in official duties of the Imperial Senate. Finally, Jar-Jar… well, I haven’t seen the next film. But my point is this: If you want to compare me to Jar-Jar Binks, I’ll take it as a compliment Senator Palpat… I mean, Lieberman.

Announcer: Whoa! He really burned you there Joe.

Bush: But obviously I’m Maverick from Top Gun. Studies commissioned by my administration shows that 53% of voting-age American females would enjoy watching me play sand volleyball half naked with Anthony Edwards and Val Kilmer. While I am more than willing to give the public what they want, scheduling conflicts between the three of us have kept it from happening. As a compromise, however, I did dress up in a flight suit on that aircraft carrier earlier this year.

Liberman: If I was going to be compared to a likeness of a movie character, I think the best fit would be that of Oskar Schindler from Steven Spielberg’s World War 2 drama “Schindler’s List.” After learning of the horrible crimes committed by the Nazi party, Schindler puts himself at risk in order to save more than 1,000 Jews from a German concentration camp. His bravery in the face of evil has been an inspiration for the past decade.

Bush: Yeah, I think I’ve seen that one—but for some reason we could only see it in black and white. I remember getting horrible customer service when I called the cable company to complain about the picture. So should we, as Americans, be surprised that Joe Lieberman’s favorite movie centered on a controlling Jewish man and literally thousands of naked people? I’m sure everyone else found the ending as terribly confusing as I did, but the general idea I got out of it was that this Schindler guy bought as many of the naked people as he could in order to start his own perverted sex brothel and corresponding Internet site. Now is this the kind of man we want running the country?

Announcer: That’s all the time we have tonight. Stay tuned for next week’s debate, when we force the candidates to address the tough question, “What would YOU do to reduce the size of J-Lo’s ass?”

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X Marks the Spot

Researchers at John Hopkins have been forced to retract a highly publicized paper linking the drug Ecstasy to serious brain damage after discovering that they had actually administered a different drug to most of the animals in their study. The head researcher commented, “The problem, without going into too much detail, centered around the annual Christmas party and a rather persuasive, perky, and adventurous young female labratory assistant.”

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Je ne sais French

In an effort to explain 11,400 more fatalities than usual during the first two weeks of August, officials in France have claimed air pollution and a lack of wind were the actual cause of death during the nation’s hottest summer in 60 years. A new phrase has been circulating in Paris: “Its not the heat, it’s the smog death cloud.”

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In the Name of Security

Microsoft Corporation warned on Wednesday that users of its Office software were at risk of having their computers taken over by an attacker unless they applied a patch to correct the problem. The attacker? Microsoft Corporation.