Katherine and I finally finished our project to cover our walls with lizards. After trying unsuccessfully with real ones, we decided to switch to outlining them with different colored paint. Why go through all the trouble? That’s a good question. We live in a townhouse that is much longer than it is wide. Our intention was to put up something on the walls to give our family room and kitchen area an appearance of depth. That, and I’ve always wanted to have some sort of tribute to M.C. Escher in my house.
The first step was to measure out the area that would eventually be inside the frame and paint it the middle color. Next we cut the trim pieces and put them on the wall with adhesive. Once that was all dried we made a lizard template and painted in the lightest and darkest colors. Finally, we painted the outlines of the lightest lizards to give them more contrast. Oh yeah, and then finally finally I painted one in between the two frames just for fun.
I like how it looks, but if the whole project took about three times longer than I imagined. But I think that is usually the case when considering a painting project.
Katherine and I took a short road trip to Saratoga Springs, Wyoming in August just to get away for a few days. About three hours drive from Loveland, Colorado, this town consisted of some hot springs, two gas stations, a handful of hotels, and a few hundred people who seemed to have taken up residence here for their own personal reasons. We booked a room at the hotel which included access to several hot tubs and a large pool filled with mineral water. Some of the hot tubs were mostly covered with teepee-like structures that gave a large amount of privacy, just in case, say, you and your partner needed some alone time to, oh, review old tax returns or exchange highly sensitive military intelligence.
The hotel room had its own share of peculiarities. In addition to the queen sized bed, much of the room was occupied by a large rustic looking armoire. I’m not sure if it was real rustic or fake rustic– around here it could go either way. Inside the armoire is a very medium sized television set. A shelf above the television is a shelf bowing under the weight of a large VCR with, if carbon dated, would probably be traced backed to the early 1980s. I can’t remember ever having been in a hotel room with a VCR. We got all the standard cable channels, some better than others– perhaps a sign of a few too many sets connected to the cable feed. All the network channels were based in Denver, which kind of negated the feeling that we were out in the middle of nowhere. Or at least as much of nowhere that is left these days. Come to think about it, we did pass a large Walmart distribution center about 60 miles from town, so somewhere is getting closer all the time.
The only other notable attribute of the hotel was the high pressure nozzle on the shower. This device literally separates the water molecules into individual atoms before shooting them out at a velocity approaching the speed of light. This causes the water to assume wavelike properties and travel straight through my body, the tub, the subfloor, and so on until it slows down somewhere, I suspect, near the molten core of the planet.
While somewhat limited in our dining choices, we found a rather small-townsy type place that served a small selection of breakfast options. We must have come during the morning rush, because the one waiter was overwhelmed trying to take care of everyone. When the shelf of clean coffee mugs became empty, one of the customers cleaned up a few tables, took everything into the kitchen, and came back out in a few minutes with a dozen clean mugs. That’s what I like about visiting small towns– well, that and we didn’t see a single mugging or car-jacking.
Boss Hogg, after having finished an absurdly large lunch in the back room of the Boar’s Nest, looks out the window at Bo and Luke Duke in the General Lee doing doughnuts in the parking lot before driving away. “Those Duke boys have been a thorn in my side all day long!”
Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane walks over to the table of dirty dishes an tenatively replies, “Well, Boss, I did see you drop a deep fried chicken wing bewteen your ample stomach and the chair during breakfast. Maybe that’s what is causing your discomfort.” Rosco tenatively reaches in to extract the piece of food, but before he can get close enough Boss Hogg slaps Rosco’s hand with a large butter knife.
“Get away from me you idiot!” Boss Hogg yells as he starts to twist and squirm in his chair. After a few absurdly strained attempts Boss Hogg finally grasps the wing and immediately starts devouring it.
“Well, that did help a little bit,” Boss Hogg admitted, “but I still want to get rid of those Duke boys once and for all. We need a plan, Rosco.”
Rosco thought for a minute and then replied, “What if we planted something on the Duke’s farm to make it look like they were producing illegal drugs?”
Boss Hogg thought about it for a moment. “I like your thinking Rosco, but there is no way we could convince the honorable Judge Buford Potts the Dukes are dealing drugs. Buford Potts and Jessie Duke have been fishing buddies since they were both little kids.”
“Dang it!” Rosco yelled. He looked over at his assistant reading some type of legal book. “Enos! Stop reading that comic book and help us take down the Duke family!”
Enos looked up and said, “Well, golly, Rosco, I was just reading about new legal developments in Civil Asset Forfieture. We don’t need any proof to take all their stuff, we just need a suspicion that they are doing something bad, like growing Mara-wa-hanna on their farm. We could even ask for Federal assistance.”
Boss Hogg smiles and yells excitedly, “This will get those Dukes out of Hazzard county!” as small pieces of chewed up chicken wing land on Rosco’s clothes.
The next day a squad car and Boss Hogg’s white Cadillac drive up to the Duke’s house. Rosco, Enos, Boss Hog, and a Federal agent step out of the vehicles. The entire Duke family storms out of the house. Uncle Jessie yells, “What is the meaning of this? We haven’t done anything wrong and you know it.”
Boss Hogg prods Rosco, who pulls a paper out of his pocket and starts reading, “Jessie Duke, you and your family have been accused of growing, transporting, and selling maraijuana. All of your assets and personal belongings are now legal property of the Hazzard County Sheriff’s Department.”
Uncle Jessie is infuriated. “Just wait until Judge Potts hears about this. This little plan is going to backfire on you Boss Hogg.”
Rosco turns to the Federal agent. “You see here, Mister, uhhh….”
“Smith,” the agent replied.
“Mr. Smith,” Rosco continued, “here is what happened. My assistant Enos was performing surveillance on this farm a few nights ago when he observed a large number of marijuana plants growing behind the chicken coop.”
Daisy piped up, “You mean when Enos was snooping around trying to watch me take a shower with his night vision goggles?”
Everyone looked at Enos as he looked down awkwardly at the ground making small circles in the dirt with his right foot.
Boss Hogg broke the silence by explaining, “during the observation, Enos was detected by Miss Duke. She obviously applied her womanly abilities on him in order to obtain details of the upcoming raid.”
With an odd blank look on his face Enos stared off to the distance and said, to nobody in particular, “I want to see Daisy’s womanly abilities….”
Rosco interrupted Enos, “which is how they managed to remove all the evidence before the raid!”
Everyone started arguing at once. After a minute, Agent Smith spoke up, “I’ve heard enough!” He reached for his two-way radio and gave an order. A minute later several unmarked black Suburbans drive up and helicopters land behind the barn. Heavily armed agents dressed head to toe in black clothing start swarming the area.
Two agents tip over the chicken coop. A few run into the house and come out wearing pairs of Daisy’s cut off jeans. A team of agents run towards the General Lee with welding equipment. Sparks start flying and the agents are giving each other high fives when they get the doors to open and close correctly. The crew from MTV’s “Pimp My Ride” go after Uncle Jessie’s old pickup. They paint it, add 10 television sets, and drive it away.
Rosco hooks up the General Lee to the back of Boss Hogg’s Cadillac. The Duke family is standing in front of the house not knowing what to do. Boss Hogg gets behind the wheel as Rosco and Agent Smith get in the back seat. As Boss Hogg pulls away with the General Lee, Agent Smith starts playing a guitar and sings:
Framed the old Duke Boys
For growing pot by the barn
The best Hazzard ever saw
They evaded the law since the day they was born
Daisy’s got some nice curves
Bo and Luke look good too
That should help when they are broke
On the streets begging for food
Boss Hogg wanted them out
But he didn’t know how
That is until the feds gave the
Fourth Amendment a bow
So no more good Duke Boys
No more General Lee
Crushed by abuse in a system
They couldn’t even see
Following the success of the show, “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” The Learning Channel greenlighted a sister show titled, “I Thought I Was Pregnant But It Turns Out I Was Just Getting Fat Really Quickly After My Boyfriend Dumped Me And I Just Sat Around On The Couch Eating Microwave Pizza and Twinkies All Day Long Waiting For A Miricle To Occur.”
We rented “Zach and Miri Make a Porno” from Netflix this weekend. The premise is quite simple– long time friends and roommates Zach and Miri are broke, and decide to remedy the situation by filming a porno flick. Of course nothing really goes as planned, and things get weird between the two friends when the idea of having sex with each other and a bunch of strangers comes into play.
Overall I enjoyed the movie. Seth Rogen who plays the main character Zach, does a great job being the slightly irresponsible but good intentioned roommate. Elizabeth Banks play Miri, who kind of seems too sexy to have been living with Zach for the past decade. These main characters get developed well through witty dialogue. My biggest problem was that you could see where the plot was going every second of the film– no major surprises. Zach and Miri attend their high school reunion and meet a moderately successful gay porn star. Brandon St. Randy mixes Keanu Reeves good looks, Clint Eastwood’s scratchy voice, and a dash of old fashioned compassion in perfect proportion to create his almost-but-not-quite over-the-top performance. I kept waiting for him to appear later on in the movie, but was sorely disappointed. Oh, I guess I should have put “spoiler alert” before that last sentence.
I don’t know exactly how this type of compensation works, but someone should be paying Jason Mewes because they really just stole the his character of Jay from several movies (Clerks, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Clerks 2, and so on) with the Lester character. He looked and sounded just like Jay, which really bothered me since all of the other characters seemed so original.
My favorite line of the movie was Zach telling Miri, “I don’t mean to alarm you… but I think I just jerked off Lester a little bit.”
See this movie if: you are a Seth Rogen fan and enjoy porn satire.
Don’t see this movie if: you are on a first date, want to watch a real porn movie, or want to be surprised by exciting plot twists.
And, while I’m thinking about comedy pornography, I think the best movie to see in this genre is “Orgazmo.” Written by South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, Orgazmo details the transformation of Joe Young from a Jahova’s witness on his first mission to taking down an organized crime ring. A variety of jokes about Utah (Joe Young, “I’m not a superhero! I’m a Latter-Day Saint.”), fake boobs (“My doctor says now I have enough silicone in my body to kill a small elephant! Isn’t that cool?”), and even a surprisingly insightful debate by the porn stars about who gets degraded by pornography.
The movie might have seen a wider audience if it hadn’t gotten an “NC-17” rating. I don’t think it is any more or less graphic as “Zach and Miri,” which received and “R” rating. I suspect the people who rate movies just don’t like Matt Stone and Trey Parker. I’ve read that “Team America” and “South Park: The Movie” both orginally received NC-17 ratings. Which is interesting since one was made completely out of puppets and the other one was a cartoon.
So if you are only going to see one funny pornographic movie this summer, watch Orgazmo. If you are going to see more than one, also check out “Zach and Miri Make a Porno.”
Robot Chicken’s an odd mix of stop motion puppets and computer graphics are used to create short (sometimes only a few seconds) sketch comedy routines. Seen on the “Adult Swim” section of the cartoon network, each episode of Robot Chicken mixes pop culture references, various toy action figures, and Seth Green’s unique sense of humor.
This clip, one of many, many, Star Wars themed skits, centers around the experience at the Cantina Bar from a different character’s perspective.
I also like the fact that many celebrities lend their voices to the project. You can also find more information on the Robot Chicken Home Page.
I wrote a ranting lunatic type letter to Dish Network the other day just to make myself feel better. Basically I want to be able to make playlists of DVR television shows for my future children to watch based on their age. Then I want everyone to be able to share their playlists with the world through the Internet. Anyone, even Oprah, could make suggestions about programming to watch based on date of birth. From this I can see which shows are popular with parents whose children are the same age. Oh yeah, and when my kid turns on the TV, they have to enter their own password so they can only watch shows on their own playlist. I’ll switch over to which ever company can effectively set this up. So Dish, Echostar, Cable guys, and Tivo– get working on this ASAP– my first girl is due in December!