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Putting a lid on it

“Jon and Kate Plus Eight” celebrity Jon Gosselin has reportedly turned to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, well known as a spiritual adviser to Michael Jackson, for religious counseling.  The Rabbi released the following statement to the press, “Jon is aware that his recent behavior has been creating a negative image in the media.  He hopes that through a renewed religious commitment he can forge a more positive path for himself and his family.  Also, he discovered that wearing a Yarmulke covers up his growing bald spot.”

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Gas and Bloating

The time line for former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin’s pet project involving a natural gas pipeline across Alaska has recently come into question.  Despite recent increases in the price of this abundant resource in the state, many experts are questioning when, if ever, the project will be completed.  To save on construction costs, Palin’s plan called for driving down to the Home Depot in Anchorage, buying 2000 miles of PVC pipe and a few cases of duct tape, and sending 18 of her nephews out on snow machines to fit everything together.

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Flu’s Clues

To help prevent the spread of the H1N1 virus, medical authorities in the United States are recommending the following precautions:  get the flu shot once it becomes available, stay home from work if you are exhibiting flu-like symptoms, and, most importantly, avoid any impromptu “Hands Across America” events.

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Minus J and K

The bitter divorce proceedings of the Gosselin family, famous for their reality show “John and Kate Plus Eight,” continue to play out in the media tabloids.  When asked for a comment on the situation, a high level employee of the network anonymously commented, “When divorce proceedings turn ugly like this the judicial system needs to focus on what is best for the children.  We strongly believe sole custody should be given to the TLC network.  I mean, come on, have you seen the parents lately?  They have both gone bat-shit crazy.  And this would fit nicely into our plan for our new reality show ‘Eight’.”

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Messed With Texas

A 72 year old woman who was tasered during a routine traffic stop has received a $40,000 settlement from a Texas county.  In response to this and several other high-profile incidents, the maker of Taser stun guns has created several recommendations on taser gun use, including instructing officers to avoid hitting suspects in the chest and retrofitting guns with a second chamber that, when fired, automatically ejects pre-signed litigation settlement checks.

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I Should Be A SNL Writer

Here was a joke on Thursday’s Saturday Night Live:

A man in Massachusetts who used a pellet gun to steal a hot dog from another man in the park has been sentenced to 18 months in prison.  And just for future reference, stealing a guys wallet can buy you lots of hot dogs.

Here is my version:

A man in Massachusetts who used a pellet gun to steal a hot dog from another man in the park has been sentenced to 18 months in prison where he will be warmly embraced as “the guy who likes to grab other guy’s wieners.”

I could write for Robot Chicken too!

 

I’m a big fan of Robot Chicken on the Cartoon Network.  It combines stop motion animation with CGI to create short (sometimes just a few seconds) sketch comedy.  Here are two ideas for very short skits:

A courtroom setting.  An older woman in a black leather jacket is on the witness stand being questioned by the defense lawyer.

“Miss Jett, could you please read to the jury the first sentence of your own account of how this all got started?” the lawyer asks.

Joan Jett sighs, and replies, “I saw him dancing there by the record machine, I knew he must a been about seventeen.”

“And are you aware of the statutory rape laws in this state?”

My second idea:

The nerd is running around inside Doctor Who’s violently shaking tardis, pushing various buttons, and pulling different levers in a desperate attempt to get it working.

Outside three high school bullies are shaking a port-o-let.  One of them yells, “You’ve got to come out sometime, nerd!”

Inside the nerd is pleading with the tardis, “We must quickly depart from these time space coordinates!”

Ouside the bullies are losing interest, so they all get behind the port-o-let and tip it over so that the door is facing the ground.  Then they walk away.   The nerd tries to open the door to get out, but is stuck inside.  He dejectedly comments, “I’m trapped inside my very own time machine!”  Soon sewage starts leaking out the sides and the nerd adds,  “and the Tardis is leaking trans-matter fluid.”