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Traffic Jam

I was looking through the web statistics for newfunny.com, and was somewhat surprised about what words lead people to this site.  Here are the top 10 phrases according to godaddy.com where I host the site:

porno, porn movie, rush limbaugh wedding, www.newfunny.com, holmes on homes, british petroleum, bp, south park porn, orgazmo, silly christmas letters.

Next I went to wordpress to see what it thought were the most popular search phrases.  It agreed with godaddy.com in spirit, but also came up with:

playstation 4, dukes of hazzard, lord of the rings, UPS

So now I’m thinking– do I need to write in such a way to include more popular keywords?  I made one casual reference to an “R” rated comedy about making a pornographic movie and it accounts for a lot of the traffic to my site.

Welcome to my first keyword centric blog entry:

Joss Weaton, creator of cult favorite “Firefly” and “Serenity”, and Nathan Fillion are sitting in a restaurant eating breakfast and filling out paperwork.

Nathan is concentrating on a paper, and finally looks up and asks Joss, “Does 17 feel lucky?”
Joss replies, “Stop asking me about the lottery numbers.  I know that you said you wanted to win the lottery and buy the rights to Firefly, but I think we should focus on new ideas instead of living in the past.”

“You are right, Joss.  So what type of show should we create?  How about a porno?  You haven’t made one of those yet?

“I don’t know if I am up for making a porn flick.  The lesbian plot line with Willow and Tara in Buffy was as far as I’ve ever gone down that road.”

Nathan thought about it for a minute and replied, “How about we make a funny porno movie?  It could be centered around some unlikely celebrity, like, say, Rush Limbaugh.  The main character could have an unexplained obsession with Rush Limbaugh’s wedding pictures.  It could be a pornographic version of Saving Silverman.  Or a political version of Orgazmo. Who wouldn’t want to see that?”

“I think you might have something there.” Joss replied. “But securing the rights could prove difficult.  We would work for years and not see it in theaters until after the Lord of the Rings prequel movies get finished.  If every other prequel movie is any indication, the Hobbit movies are going to be way better than the related movies.”

“How about we work in some video game tie-ins?”  Nathan asked. “If we started now we could get a game released on the Playstation 4, Xbox 720, and Wii 2.”

“Way to think ahead, but I’m not sure how many people really want to see that man naked.  How about a Dukes of Hazzard porn flick?  That could be really funny.”

Nathan looks at his watch.  “Well, Joss, I love having these breakfast brainstorming sessions with you, but I have to go film another episode of Castle.  And I need to get some gas on the way over.”

“Have fun on set.  I think there is a British Petroleum station around the corner.”

“Wasn’t BP in the news lately?” Nathan asked.

“Yeah, something about some minor rule violations.  Some people got all bent out of shape over it.” Joss answered.

Nathan turned back as he walked out the door.  “Don’t forget to call when Doctor Horrible’s Sing Along 2 is ready to shoot.”

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2022 Goals: The Streets or Capitol Hill

After giving it a bit of thought, I’ve decided on some possible goals for the next 10 years.  At the moment I’ve got two somewhat different directions:

1.  Create a trumpet, baritone, and tuba playing and singing street performance troupe.  I used to play the baritone in high school marching band, so I just need a trumpet and tuba player. Also, I don’t know anything about how to arrange or write music, so at least one of the team members will need experience in this area.  (and FYI for anyone interested–  I don’t know many keys, if I see too many sharp signs I get dizzy.)

I plan on starting the routine with a new take on “dueling banjos” and move on through various popular music references.  One example would be to play “Cecilia” and then have a more accurate version revealing she was actually a call girl for Art Garfunkel.  Okay, so what rhymes with “prostitute”?

2.  The second plan is to run for the House of Representative’s Fourth District in Colorado.  I think I would do quite well as a UPS driver who delivers packages over a large area in the district.  I mean, really, who doesn’t have a good opinion of their local UPS driver?  I plan on running a grass roots campaign that will include appearing in part one of an unknown number of Stephen Colbert’s new segment, “Better Know a Long Shot Challenger for Congress”.  The highlight of the segment will be me riding my kinetics craft up and down the street in a dignified manner.

I haven’t completely defined my policy goals, but some of the ideas that have come to mind include standardizing tupperware lids, a la carte cable and satellite options, and switching to daylight savings time all year round.  That last one is something that most people don’t care about with the exception of UPS drivers and golf course owners.

So stay tuned.  I’m open to suggestions in both areas, and I have a lot of time to plan this out.  I don’t want to rush things.

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Most Effective Barrier Method

While various barrier methods of birth control have been around since the ancient Egyptians were putting up those lovely pyramids, I’ve come to realize the most effective barrier method to date.

Step one:  The woman lays down on the bed on the left side.  She can position herself on her stomach, back, or side– whichever position is most comfortable.

Step two:  The man lays down on the other side of the bed.  He too can position himself as to maximize comfort.

Step three:  When the initial contact between the man and woman is made a signal is sent (the exact transmission method is unknown) to the one year old child sleeping in the adjoining bedroom.  This signal causes the child’s “I don’t want you to have sex” alarm to be activated.  The alarm system can only be deactivated by placing the child in between the man and the woman.  At this point the infant will promptly go back to sleep.  This guarantees the prevention of any type of sexual penetration for the rest of the night.