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Eye of the Tiger

Recently unemployed actor Charlie Sheen announced plans for a stand-up tour in Chicago and Detroit.  “Tickets will be free,” explains Sheen, “But before the show we will pass around collection plates.  Once I get at least two million dollars, then I’ll start the show.”

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Future SNL Weekend Update Joke

Republicans in Congress are attempting to eliminate funding for a federal program which provides low income women basic reproductive services such as low-cost cervical and breast cancer screening. “Hey, maybe these guys aren’t so bad after all.” commented the Taliban.

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Law of Averages

“So I asked my girlfriend how she would rate me in bed, and she said I was average.  What a let down.”

“But aren’t you the only one she has ever slept with?”

“What’s your point?”

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Strange bedfellows

When asked about his potential Presidential campaign in 2012, Newt Gingrich replied, “This type of campaign requires a tremendous amount of planning.  For example, I have barely even begun to consider who will be my wife this time around.”