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  • Christmas Letters (25)
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  • How Computers Work (8)
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  • 2006 Christmas Letter
    One thing leads to another, and eventually the matter is settled with a traditional “pirate dance off.”
  • Father’s Day Update
    So Katherine ended up getting me a nine inch diameter glazed doughnut for Father’s Day. Apparently I was a little bit off the mark with the whole Lisa Loeb coming over to my house and making me pancakes. Katherine explained …
  • Nice To Meet You
    Lady, I ran out of nice on Tuesday.
  • Envigoral Infomercial
    Most people haven’t heard of this new and exciting product due to some minor paperwork issues with the Food and Drug Administration.
  • 1995 Christmas Letter
    Dear friend, Another year has passed before us and I am taking time out of my busy schedule to personally write you this letter explaining to you what is going on in my life. Please do not infer that just …
  • Moving Excitement
    You have drawn the happy squirrel card. You need to make some big changes in your life, my friend
  • Pound For Pound
    Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett recently challenged it’s citizens to collectively lose one million pounds through change in diet and exercise after being ranked in the top 10 of America’s Fattest Cities. After hearing the news, the two half million …
  • Latest Addition
    I put off talking about this topic because there seemed to be so much wedding stuff to blog about, but here is the official news:  Katherine is pregnant and due to deliver in mid December.  Here is our first ultrasound, …
  • Twelve Steps To Becoming A Lounge Singer
    The misspelled words were few, the grammatical errors were minor, and I even managed to make the idea of gratuitously beating up a helpless old Dutch man seem funny.
  • Interview With Ertok
    A lot of newfunny readers are curious to learn more about Ertok. For those of you who are new to the site, Ertok is an Evil Alien Overlord that oversees my work on the newfunny web site. The Evil Alien …
  • 2007 Christmas Letter
    On a side note, he didn’t seem to enjoy the memory nasal probe. None of them do.
  • You Know You Are An Insomniac If
    Just to set the record straight, calculators have the 1,2,3 row on the bottom row while telephones put it on the top row.
  • 2019 Christmas Letter
    The lesson I taught my kids is the old man isn't going to go down in laser tag without a fight.
  • I Just Knew It Was Going To Happen
    On April 16, 2012 an airline passenger was detained by the TSA due to luggage that contained two silicon breast enhancers that exceeded the TSA’s limit of 3.2 ounce limit on liquids and gels. Back on January 19, 2012 I …
  • Another Interview With Ertok
    For those of you new to the site, Ertok is an Evil Alien Overlord who, among other things, oversees the operations here
  • 2005 Christmas Letter
    I made a promise to myself never to wear a tuxedo after my disastrous prom experience my junior year of high school.
  • Star Wreck
    Not everyone keeps as up to date on Finnish Star Trek parodies as they probably should. That’s exactly why I run this website. Ever wonder what happens when 5 Finns, 300 extras, and whole bunch of computing power get mixed …
  • UPS Superbowl Commercial
    Sunday early morning local news program. The stadium crew is busy setting up chairs in the middle of Investco Field. News anchor: … and preparations are underway for what is expected to be largest single event at Investco Field… (Quick …
  • Solo Weekend
    My wife doesn't seem to want to watch Highlander with me much anymore. Well, that isn't exactly true-- she really never wanted to see it from, I suspect, the moment of her birth.
  • 2014 Christmas Letter
    I believe it was JP Morgan who once said “You don’t rise to the top by jumping in the kiddie pool.” That, or I just made it up a few moments ago. Fact checking isn’t a strong point in my …
  • 1997 Christmas Letter
    Well folks, it’s that time of year again– the days are getting shorter, annoying Christmas music is playing at the mall, the political forces that run our nation are gearing up for the next presidential election, and, of course, it’s …
  • Worth Every Penny
    Years ago, Stephen Hawking bet a fellow scientist from the University of Michigan $100 that the Higgs Boson particle would never be discovered. In an interview with the BBC, Hawking said: “It seems I have just lost $100.” On Wednesday, scientists …
  • Get Some Glass App
    I highly recommend this for anyone looking to meet someone new when everyone else you know describes you as hopelessly boring, lacking any knowledge of current events, and/or obsessed with changes made to the 1997 re-release of "Star Wars: A …
  • Annoying Sleeping Habits
    NOTE TO SELF: eat two more chocolate eclairs before bed to fulfill the recommended daily allowance of vanilla goo
  • Thoughts On The Competition
    Is this a plan of action that will advance my writing career? I'm not really sure. Could it land me in jail? Quite possibly.
  • Lax Security
    Security screening in one major airport was completely closed today for the better part of an hour after experiencing another cupcake related incident.  A senior administrator at the TSA explained. “While we feel that we have made every effort to …
  • To Tell The Truth
    Unfortunately, the very nature of the Cosmos doesn’t always provide clear cut answers.
  • House Calls
    Mitt Romney is still working to clarify his statement, “I’m not concerned about the very poor.”  On an unplanned trip to chat with reporters in the rear of his campaign jet, the former Governor of Massachusetts worked to explain his intentions …
  • Hertz So Good
    Notice to all Hertz rental offices in Northern California: After a complete analysis of our operation over the past decade, we have found a disturbing trend that has accounted for a disproportionate amount of revenue loss in the Northern California division. It …
  • Funny And Sexy– Is It Possible
    We rented “Zach and Miri Make a Porno” from Netflix this weekend.  The premise is quite simple– long time friends and roommates Zach and Miri are broke, and decide to remedy the situation by filming a porno flick.  Of course …
  • Problems On The Hill
    The unusually cold winter this season has given Boulder a few months of calm from the recurring problem of wildly inappropriate behavior up on the Hill. As a mix of retail, housing, and Greek organizations, the area west of the …
  • Spring Time
    I'm not sure if it was real rustic or fake rustic-- around here it could go either way.
  • Slowing Down In Boulder
    People covet that which is new and shiny. This universal truth has been demonstrated once again in the south suburbs of Denver, Colorado on Tuesday when hundreds of people waited for hours in the freezing early morning fog as the …
  • 2004 Christmas Letter
    I’ve managed to keep myself busy with a new job, new house, and new electronic gadgetry.
  • 2013 Christmas Letter
    The older you get, the harder it is to be a prime number.
  • Stephen Colbert Title Sequence
    “Mi-partison”, “My-partison”, and/or “Mypartison” are my submissions for the next word in Stephen Colbert’s “The Colbert Report.”  I’m not sure exactly how to spell it since I just made up the word, but that is besides the point.  For those who …
  • This Just In
    Standing-next-to-a-landing-helicopter-hair is the worst, but fortunately I'm bald.
  • Newfunny Consulting LLC
    Reality check here Omar, nobody is going to pay you money for your stupid Taco Bell song!
  • Making Boulder Safe
    I am almost positive that kangaroos are not indigenous to the state of Colorado.
  • The Real World: The Next Generation
    This is the true story of seven strangers, picked to live on a starship and have their lives holographically recorded, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL. The Real World: The Next Generation!
  • Home Sweet Home
    As if I didn't have enough to keep me busy between not getting fired at work and arranging my Netflix movie queue on the Internet
  • Star Trek 11? I’ve Lost Count
    Wow-- they must have saved a lot of money by using the set of 'Ugly Betty' as the bridge of the Enterprise.
  • Another Dot Com
    I get a lot of inside information about up-and-coming web sites. And I'm not just talking about unsolicited e-mail I get on my AOL account
  • Kinetics
    Just for the sake of comparison, building a craft and competing in the race requires roughly three to four orders of magnitudes more effort than, say, writing a song about Taco Bell.
  • Kids Don’t Try This At Home
    In retrospect, the fact that I was hauling around a backpack containing a broken car battery might have contributed to my decreased velocity.
  • Always bet on black. Or was that red? Green maybe?
    In an effort to make our schools safer from violence, action movie star Steven Seagal is training 40 volunteers in Forrest Hills, Arizona to become armed guards in public schools. In other news, H&R Block is offering to let customers …
  • Eight: Moderately Annoying Sins
    John springs into action when customers tear off one banana from the bunch and put the lone piece of fruit back on the display.
  • Traffic Jams
    Hello! How was I supposed to know a truck was going to tip over on I-25? Do I look like Miss Cleo?
  • Prime Contenders
    Here is the transcript of our parade skit: You may address me as number 2– the number one prime number.  Behind me is number 3, the number 2 prime, and also with me is numbers 5 and 7, the third …
  • Not in Russian Anymore
    I was looking through my wordpress admin page and I noticed more than 1,000 spam responses in the comments section.  By default I don’t post any of these to my site, but just for fun I looked through some of …
  • Cosmic Error
    After reading the dozen tweets from Neil deGrasse Tyson regarding the accuracy of the movie Gravity, I would like to point out a glaring inaccuracy in the title sequence of the television series Cosmos. Even if you could travel faster …
  • Year In Review
    Investigating obscure but unsolved mathematical problems has always been a hobby of mine.
  • Having Kids Ruined My Netflix Account
    This is really more of a problem with Netflix than my kids. While I go off to work my kids like to watch stuff like “The Cat in the Hat” and “The Mickey Mouse Fun House.” Which is fine, but …
  • How Computers Work Part 3
    And don't worry too much about the evil alien robot monkeys. The odds of them suddenly materializing in your bedroom are rather slim.
  • World Racing Interface
    The world is your oyster. Oyster has no cash value.
  • 2022 Goals: The Streets Or Capitol Hill
    After giving it a bit of thought, I’ve decided on some possible goals for the next 10 years.  At the moment I’ve got two somewhat different directions:Create a trumpet, baritone, and tuba playing and singing street performance troupe.  I used …
  • How Qwest Annoys Me
    I believe that the phone company has better things to do than to keep calling me and asking me to upgrade my phone service.
  • Xmas Party Story
    If you happen to be familiar with my annual Christmas letter you may be scratching your head thinking, “But Omar, it’s not anywhere near the end of the year– how can you already be posting your Christmas letter?” I decided …
  • Buildin Better Townhomes
    I would try this myself, but I would like to avoid a lengthy legal dispute with my homeowner's association.
  • Traffic Jam
    I was looking through the web statistics for newfunny.com, and was somewhat surprised about what words lead people to this site.  Here are the top 10 phrases according to godaddy.com where I host the site: porno, porn movie, rush limbaugh …
  • Error Codes
    Wow, I was just looking back at my latest posts, and I realized that I haven’t posted any real updates about my personal life in a very long time.  So here goes. We recently added a +1 to our family: …
  • Taco Bell
    But I'm getting ahead of myself. For the sake of continuity, I'll start at the beginning.
  • Revenge Of The Nerds: The Next Generation
    So I’ve been keeping up to date on this whole “CSU wants to build a new football stadium on campus even though they already have one a few miles off campus” ordeal. For everyone not up to speed on the …
  • The New Kid In Town
    Thanks to my technique of randomly driving around town for little or no specific reason I have identified many, if not all, of the points of interest Loveland, Colorado has to offer.
  • Trip To Pennsylvania
    Their experience seemed quite disorienting and nauseating, which is exactly why they found it entertaining beyond description.
  • Escape To New York
    Nothing promotes tourism more than locking the bathrooms when people might be interested in using them.
  • Women Are Strange
    The biggest thing I would have NOT done in high school if I could do it all over again would be attending my senior prom.
  • Father’s Day Surprise
    Katherine told me Friday night that she is picking up a special Father’s Day gift for me at 9am Saturday morning. She refuses to give me any more details regarding the nature of the item, so I am using my …
  • Entertainment Of The Future
    I have to admit up front that I have never written a story while being held against my will at the Boulder County Police Headquarters. Usually I sit home at my desk and mold the random thoughts running around in …
  • Most Effective Barrier Method
    While various barrier methods of birth control have been around since the ancient Egyptians were putting up those lovely pyramids, I’ve come to realize the most effective barrier method to date. Step one:  The woman lays down on the bed on …
  • Get Ducked
    An older man is sitting in an over-sized chair. “My name is Steve, and I am the product manager here at the Select Comfort’s Sleep Number bed product line.  While our product line has been an amazing success over the years, …
  • Adventures In Europe
    No matter how many times it happens to me, I'm never totally comfortable when I am stranded near a nuclear power plant and witness an explosion.
  • Dancing With The Stars
    In the soon to be released "Terminator Salvation" the machines hypnotize people with their smooth steps and jazz hands-- humanity never saw it coming.
  • Parade Skit
    our Kinetics theme was too liberal for Boulder
  • For Our Next Project
    Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University built a machine designed to demonstrate basic social skills. The robot, named Grace, is a 6-foot-tall drum shaped device which communicates through a digitally animated woman’s face. While the robot’s social abilities are minimal at …
  • A Tangled Web
    Designing a website consisted mostly of looking at other people's websites and stealing their source code.
  • Hitting The Wall
    So I was watching Wall-E the other day for the Nth time (where N=N+1, which explains how many times my kiddos want to see this particular movie) and I noticed something that bothered me and now I can’t get it …
  • Dog Park
    Maybe I'm developing self-esteem issues here-- sometimes I really wonder why these two dogs are so excited by my presence.
  • Mission Possible
    So I’m sitting here in my home on a quiet Saturday morning before anyone else has woken up thinking about things I want to accomplish in my lifetime. Here are a few randomly selected items on my list: Make a …
  • Mom, I Want To Grow Up And Be A Lounge Singer
    While I'm not sure if I'll ever become an actual lounge singer, I do like to entertain the thought when I'm stuck in traffic or trying to get my computer to submit to my will.
  • Thoughts On Star Trek: Voyager
    I can say without any doubt that she has her own "prime directive" to cause bodily harm to any one who thinks its cool to wear a Klingon forehead apparatus in public.
  • Strangers On A Train
    Here is a song I wrote for Nick– another UPS driver who is also in a country/rock band. I came up with the idea back when I lived in Amsterdam and took the train to work every day. You sit …
  • How Do I Annoy Thee?
    Since my schedule as a writer is quite flexible, I often submit to my nocturnal tendencies and end up doing things at somewhat odd hours.
  • Divide And Conquer
    Kristin just rolled her eyes at my suggestion to combine the two and name it “Sandwiches Good Enough For Jehovah.”
  • The B Team
    “Who are you freaks, and why are you sneaking up behind total strangers at the local Loaf ‘n Jug?” the woman asked after she sprayed a healthy does of concentrated pepper spray in their general direction.
  • Conservative Weather Channel
    While the liberal news bias has been well documented for many years now, most people are ignorant of how it has crept into the weather reports.
  • Black Remote Update
    I don’t spend too much time talking about my remote control patent mostly because there isn’t much humor in United States patents named “Electronic Control Conservation Devices.”  My idea is a remote control cradle that completely shuts off power to …
  • How Computers Work Part 1
    While not the most powerful of computers, fingers are still the most widely used computational machine in the world today.
  • 2016 Christmas Letter
    Countless people– well, OK, maybe three or four– have been asking about what happened to my 2015 Christmas Letter. Was I abducted by aliens who erased my memories? Perhaps, but I have no way of knowing. Was I too lazy …
  • Travel Guide: Estes Park
    Being a secluded mountain town, many of these stores focus on specialized candy and dessert items
  • Tesla News
    When asked how he balances work and family life, SpaceX founder Elon Musk explained how he makes an effort to find common ground. “For example, I spent the last forth of July with my children and we all put our …
  • Let’s Have This Baby
    Isabel had to make a few adjustments like breathing air, receiving nutrition through her mouth, and not being allowed to lounge around all day in that warm soft jacuzzi of a uterus.
  • How Computers Work Part 6
    The packaging of the product in stores proclaimed the game of Pong to be, "Virtual reality fourth dimension alien space tennis with real lasers."
  • Fun And Games
    While most people think of me as a mere computer geek, the truth is that my obsession with the less popular aspects of general amusement span the entire technological spectrum. I can entertain myself for indefinite amounts of time with …
  • More Kinetics
    For the second year in a row I saw not a single article of women’s clothing constructed from fruit despite my detailed explanation of how to construct a watermelon bra on my web site last year
  • Tuesday Morning
    A chain store called “Tuesday Morning” opened up a year or so ago in Loveland, Colorado.  I keep wondering how they came up with the name.  To the best of my knowledge, they sell a variety of overstocked gift type …
  • I Could Write For Robot Chicken
    I’m a big fan of Robot Chicken on the Cartoon Network.  It combines stop motion animation with CGI to create short (sometimes just a few seconds) sketch comedy.  Here are two ideas for very short skits: A courtroom setting.  An …
  • 2000 Christmas Letter
    Welcome to the sixth year of the increasingly inaccurately named “Christmas Letter Trilogy.” The world seemed to have survived the whole Y2K scare without too much pillaging and plundering. Or at least there wasn’t any more than last year (adjusted …
  • 12862, 11561, 67, 2465, 762, -178, 938, 1292
    each number represented an important milestone in our lives-- measured in days
  • Santa Fe
    Here are some interesting and possibly true and/or false facts about this city.

Heavy Reading

The hottest book on Amazon.com this week described the efforts of a morbidly obese man to become a functioning member of society once again. The title of the book is, “How I Lost 749 Pounds But Found It In The Sofa Cushions.”

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Posted on July 26, 2006March 7, 2021Author Omar LutfeyCategories Quips

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