Skip to content

Lutfey.com

Stories from the Omar

  • Heat Pump Project
  • Videos
  • Contact
  • Blog
    • My Best Xmases
    • My Book
    • My Story
    • FAQ

Categories

  • Christmas Letters (25)
  • Crazy Ideas (22)
  • How Computers Work (8)
  • Kinetics (9)
  • Quips (181)
  • Sketches (24)
  • Travel (20)
  • Uncategorized (98)
  • Doctor Who Kinetics Song
    Why a covered wagon? Well, the rap song explained it all.
  • Dancing With The Stars
    In the soon to be released "Terminator Salvation" the machines hypnotize people with their smooth steps and jazz hands-- humanity never saw it coming.
  • Divide And Conquer
    Kristin just rolled her eyes at my suggestion to combine the two and name it “Sandwiches Good Enough For Jehovah.”
  • Alien Speak
    Thanks for subscribing to the newfunny.com newsletter. I created this site as a moderated showcase for the talents of up-and-coming comedy writers. So if you like to write and believe that you are the next Dave Berry or Douglas Adams, …
  • 2004 Christmas Letter
    I’ve managed to keep myself busy with a new job, new house, and new electronic gadgetry.
  • Adventures In Europe
    The first step in planning a trip to Europe is deciding where to visit. My first idea was to map out an itinerary that faithfully recreated Matt Daemon’s adventures in the first three Borne movies. After closer examination, however, this …
  • Another Interview With Ertok
    For those of you new to the site, Ertok is an Evil Alien Overlord who, among other things, oversees the operations here
  • Tuesday Morning
    A chain store called “Tuesday Morning” opened up a year or so ago in Loveland, Colorado.  I keep wondering how they came up with the name.  To the best of my knowledge, they sell a variety of overstocked gift type …
  • I Could Write For Robot Chicken
    I’m a big fan of Robot Chicken on the Cartoon Network.  It combines stop motion animation with CGI to create short (sometimes just a few seconds) sketch comedy.  Here are two ideas for very short skits: A courtroom setting.  An …
  • Another Exciting Friday Night
    My ongoing quest to get our DVD collection onto a network drive took a big step forward last night.  I found a gizmo on Amazon that lets me turn an old USB drive into a network drive.  Now I have …
  • A Word From Our Sponsors
    If you are a nobody, don't call me-- I've got a truckload of packages that need to get delivered before I can go home for the night.
  • Obama Campaign Ads
    Campaign Ad #1 The entire ad is shown in the form of dated black and white film. The scene fades in showing an elaborate 1950’s ball A full sized orchestra is playing Glenn Miller’s “Moonlight Serenade.” All the men are …
  • Trip To Pennsylvania
    Their experience seemed quite disorienting and nauseating, which is exactly why they found it entertaining beyond description.
  • Wrong Numbers
    So I was thinking about trigonometry the other day after I had been tutoring someone about to take a mathematics placement course focusing on the wide net of mathematical animals known a “pre-calculus.” Basically it covers everything from “Explain how many …
  • Stay Or Go
    I watch quite a few home remodeling shows on television.  The premise this idea is to find homeowners who are on the fence about moving to a new home in the same general area.  A team of experts come in …
  • Cosmic Error
    After reading the dozen tweets from Neil deGrasse Tyson regarding the accuracy of the movie Gravity, I would like to point out a glaring inaccuracy in the title sequence of the television series Cosmos. Even if you could travel faster …
  • World Racing Interface
    The world is your oyster. Oyster has no cash value.
  • Kinetics
    Just for the sake of comparison, building a craft and competing in the race requires roughly three to four orders of magnitudes more effort than, say, writing a song about Taco Bell.
  • 1997 Christmas Letter
    Well folks, it’s that time of year again– the days are getting shorter, annoying Christmas music is playing at the mall, the political forces that run our nation are gearing up for the next presidential election, and, of course, it’s …
  • Funny And Sexy– Is It Possible
    We rented “Zach and Miri Make a Porno” from Netflix this weekend.  The premise is quite simple– long time friends and roommates Zach and Miri are broke, and decide to remedy the situation by filming a porno flick.  Of course …
  • Year In Review
    Investigating obscure but unsolved mathematical problems has always been a hobby of mine.
  • Entertainment Of The Future
    I have to admit up front that I have never written a story while being held against my will at the Boulder County Police Headquarters. Usually I sit home at my desk and mold the random thoughts running around in …
  • Mission Possible
    So I’m sitting here in my home on a quiet Saturday morning before anyone else has woken up thinking about things I want to accomplish in my lifetime. Here are a few randomly selected items on my list: Make a …
  • Television Playlists
    I wrote a ranting lunatic type letter to Dish Network the other day just to make myself feel better. Basically I want to be able to make playlists of DVR television shows for my future children to watch based on …
  • 24 UPS Commercial
    This is another idea I’ve come up with for a new UPS commercial. The entire commercial is similar to the style of the television show “24,” with views of different scenes at the same point in time. Voice Over: “The …
  • 2002 Christmas Letter
    I wanted to say "beard Nair," but I wrote "bread Nair." I don't think either product currently exists.
  • Fun And Games
    While most people think of me as a mere computer geek, the truth is that my obsession with the less popular aspects of general amusement span the entire technological spectrum. I can entertain myself for indefinite amounts of time with …
  • The New Kid In Town
    Thanks to my technique of randomly driving around town for little or no specific reason I have identified many, if not all, of the points of interest Loveland, Colorado has to offer.
  • Quirky 2
    So I was playing around on my computer last night and I submitted another idea I’ve been kicking around in my head for the past few months. I don’t have anywhere near the time and effort into this idea as …
  • The Real Santa
    Things got weird for me, however, when "Santa" turned out to be my high school math teacher.
  • Error Codes
    Wow, I was just looking back at my latest posts, and I realized that I haven’t posted any real updates about my personal life in a very long time.  So here goes. We recently added a +1 to our family: …
  • 2016 Christmas Letter
    Countless people– well, OK, maybe three or four– have been asking about what happened to my 2015 Christmas Letter. Was I abducted by aliens who erased my memories? Perhaps, but I have no way of knowing. Was I too lazy …
  • Road Trip
    Perhaps I've watched a few too many episodes of "Xena Warrior Princess."
  • Star Wreck
    Not everyone keeps as up to date on Finnish Star Trek parodies as they probably should. That’s exactly why I run this website. Ever wonder what happens when 5 Finns, 300 extras, and whole bunch of computing power get mixed …
  • How Computers Work Part 4
    Eniac comes from an old Czechoslovakian phrase that roughly translates to "factory workers with steel shells who attempt to enslave humanity."
  • Mile High Club
    In the wake of record-high crude oil prices, one national newspaper reporter asked the President what can be done to conserve this limited resource. The Commander-in-Chief replied, “We all must do our part to conserve fuel. I, for example, have …
  • 2011 Christmas Letter
    As was the case with Isabel’s birth, I looked stunning in the white sterile body suit I wore during the birthing procedure.
  • The Dukes Of Hazzard
    With an odd blank look on his face Enos stared off to the distance and said, to nobody in particular, "I want to see Daisy's womanly abilities…."
  • The Dog Days Of Summer
    But enough about my roommate's chromatically symmetrical eyes-- this is a story about the dogs.
  • 2022 Goals: The Streets Or Capitol Hill
    After giving it a bit of thought, I’ve decided on some possible goals for the next 10 years.  At the moment I’ve got two somewhat different directions:Create a trumpet, baritone, and tuba playing and singing street performance troupe.  I used …
  • Spring Time
    I'm not sure if it was real rustic or fake rustic-- around here it could go either way.
  • Always bet on black. Or was that red? Green maybe?
    In an effort to make our schools safer from violence, action movie star Steven Seagal is training 40 volunteers in Forrest Hills, Arizona to become armed guards in public schools. In other news, H&R Block is offering to let customers …
  • 2014 Christmas Letter
    I believe it was JP Morgan who once said “You don’t rise to the top by jumping in the kiddie pool.” That, or I just made it up a few moments ago. Fact checking isn’t a strong point in my …
  • Eight: Moderately Annoying Sins
    John springs into action when customers tear off one banana from the bunch and put the lone piece of fruit back on the display.
  • 2018 Christmas Letter
    Doggie heaven is great-- the toys are the best and everyone loves it when you fart.
  • Hair Daze
    For reasons I don't completely understand, my hair doesn't succumb to the traditional forces of gravity.
  • How Computers Work Part 6
    The packaging of the product in stores proclaimed the game of Pong to be, "Virtual reality fourth dimension alien space tennis with real lasers."
  • Home Sweet Home
    As if I didn't have enough to keep me busy between not getting fired at work and arranging my Netflix movie queue on the Internet
  • Xmas Party Story
    If you happen to be familiar with my annual Christmas letter you may be scratching your head thinking, “But Omar, it’s not anywhere near the end of the year– how can you already be posting your Christmas letter?” I decided …
  • Get Some Glass App
    I highly recommend this for anyone looking to meet someone new when everyone else you know describes you as hopelessly boring, lacking any knowledge of current events, and/or obsessed with changes made to the 1997 re-release of "Star Wars: A …
  • Getting Dumped
    Henry doesn’t worry about hooking up stereo speakers or rifling through boxes trying to find a clean pair of underwear.
  • How Computers Work Part 2
    If you would like more information on the topics discussed today, please visit the nearest ancient Roman library and local abacus store.
  • Taco Bell
    But I'm getting ahead of myself. For the sake of continuity, I'll start at the beginning.
  • How Qwest Annoys Me
    I believe that the phone company has better things to do than to keep calling me and asking me to upgrade my phone service.
  • 1995 Christmas Letter
    Dear friend, Another year has passed before us and I am taking time out of my busy schedule to personally write you this letter explaining to you what is going on in my life. Please do not infer that just …
  • Newfunny Consulting LLC
    Reality check here Omar, nobody is going to pay you money for your stupid Taco Bell song!
  • 2020 Christmas Letter
    If I ever end up murdered from a shattered "Best In Show" DVD being lodged in my neck and/or eye sockets, it was TOTALLY my wife.
  • Getting Published
    Kind of like putting a rubber band around the trigger of the pull out sprayer at the kitchen sink so when the next person turns on the water it shoots straight at their chest.
  • Personal Grooming
    You may be asking yourself how this is Ancient, Chinese, or a secret. The old Chinese man I have locked in my basement taught me how to do it.
  • Lax Security
    Security screening in one major airport was completely closed today for the better part of an hour after experiencing another cupcake related incident.  A senior administrator at the TSA explained. “While we feel that we have made every effort to …
  • The B Team
    “Who are you freaks, and why are you sneaking up behind total strangers at the local Loaf ‘n Jug?” the woman asked after she sprayed a healthy does of concentrated pepper spray in their general direction.
  • Envigoral Infomercial
    Most people haven’t heard of this new and exciting product due to some minor paperwork issues with the Food and Drug Administration.
  • Buildin Better Townhomes
    I would try this myself, but I would like to avoid a lengthy legal dispute with my homeowner's association.
  • 2000 Christmas Letter
    Welcome to the sixth year of the increasingly inaccurately named “Christmas Letter Trilogy.” The world seemed to have survived the whole Y2K scare without too much pillaging and plundering. Or at least there wasn’t any more than last year (adjusted …
  • Easter Time
    I don't actually get fan mail quite yet, but I believe this is a plot by "The Man" who, despite the fact that I am a white male, is trying to keep me down by removing any mail from my …
  • UPS Superbowl Commercial
    Sunday early morning local news program. The stadium crew is busy setting up chairs in the middle of Investco Field. News anchor: … and preparations are underway for what is expected to be largest single event at Investco Field… (Quick …
  • Groundhog Days
    This whole situation started, like so many of my stories, with me innocently sitting on my couch watching television.
  • Strangers On A Train
    Here is a song I wrote for Nick– another UPS driver who is also in a country/rock band. I came up with the idea back when I lived in Amsterdam and took the train to work every day. You sit …
  • Virgin Kinetics Guidebook
    All I know is that I’m not some kind of wizard. And just because the real wizard told me all of this a week before the race doesn’t mean anything.
  • Six Months In Amsterdam
    Now that I think about it, the title sounds like a good title for a song. It would be kind of like “One Night in Bankock” but with less of a techno beat and more references to sex and drugs. …
  • Solo Weekend
    My wife doesn't seem to want to watch Highlander with me much anymore. Well, that isn't exactly true-- she really never wanted to see it from, I suspect, the moment of her birth.
  • Let’s Have This Baby
    Isabel had to make a few adjustments like breathing air, receiving nutrition through her mouth, and not being allowed to lounge around all day in that warm soft jacuzzi of a uterus.
  • Back To The Future, Part 4
    "You built a time machine out of a UPS TRUCK?"
  • Hertz So Good
    Notice to all Hertz rental offices in Northern California: After a complete analysis of our operation over the past decade, we have found a disturbing trend that has accounted for a disproportionate amount of revenue loss in the Northern California division. It …
  • Grounds Of Discontent
    I’m pretty sure that I’m not giving away any sensitive UPS intelligence when I say that my employer saves money by purchasing the cheapest coffee that doesn’t violate any Federal laws.  So the other day I took a small sample …
  • 2010 Christmas Letter
    2011 promises to be another eventful year as (SPOLIER ALERT) the sequel to Isabel is scheduled to be released on May 31.
  • Dog Days
    I pulled up to the house just as a woman and her dog were leaving to go for an afternoon walk.  I reached for a dog biscuit as I stepped out of the truck.  The dog ate it up while …
  • Relationship Tip #57
    If you are dating a woman and are considering “taking things to the next level” (such as spending the rest of your lives together or lending her your spare grocery store rewards card) I would highly recommend that you do …
  • Annoying Kristin
    She likes Buffy in much the same way I enjoy, say, breathing.
  • Worth Every Penny
    Years ago, Stephen Hawking bet a fellow scientist from the University of Michigan $100 that the Higgs Boson particle would never be discovered. In an interview with the BBC, Hawking said: “It seems I have just lost $100.” On Wednesday, scientists …
  • Working Man
    If there is a box marked "Glass-- FRAGILE" I have to be very careful about what NOT to place on top-- like an anvil, for example.
  • 1999 Christmas Letter
    Assuming that I am not going to get hit by a meteorite or trampled to death in some freak Y2K riot, I have made it through another year to write my fifth Christmas letter. I’m quite impressed with my ability …
  • Star Trek 11? I’ve Lost Count
    Wow-- they must have saved a lot of money by using the set of 'Ugly Betty' as the bridge of the Enterprise.
  • 2006 Christmas Letter
    One thing leads to another, and eventually the matter is settled with a traditional “pirate dance off.”
  • Olympic Adventures Part 2
    Walking into a strangers house at four in the morning and crawling into a mattress set up on the floor is a feeling I think I’ll never be completely comfortable with.
  • This Just In
    Standing-next-to-a-landing-helicopter-hair is the worst, but fortunately I'm bald.
  • How Computers Work Part 9
    Note to reader: Make wavy up and down motion with hands to indicate a flashback sequence.
  • Slowing Down In Boulder
    People covet that which is new and shiny. This universal truth has been demonstrated once again in the south suburbs of Denver, Colorado on Tuesday when hundreds of people waited for hours in the freezing early morning fog as the …
  • How Computers Work Part 7
    This situation is quite similar to the safe guards put in place in the movie, "Jurassic Park" to keep the dinosaurs from reproducing. And we all know how well that worked out.
  • 2011 Wrap Up
    there are more methods of calculating web traffic than there are ways to deep fry a Snickers bar
  • Play Time
    you heard it here first, for whatever that is worth
  • You Know You Are An Insomniac If
    Just to set the record straight, calculators have the 1,2,3 row on the bottom row while telephones put it on the top row.
  • Latest Addition
    I put off talking about this topic because there seemed to be so much wedding stuff to blog about, but here is the official news:  Katherine is pregnant and due to deliver in mid December.  Here is our first ultrasound, …
  • 2017 Christmas Letter
    I think the best approach is to assume the quality of the instructions is adequate at best and for a completely different type of product in the worst case.
  • Rest Room Question
    I realized something while eating lunch as Wok ‘n Roll this afternoon.  After drinking 3 large Diet Pepsi’s I had to answer the call of nature.  I was forced to put the call on hold, however, when the door to …
  • How Computers Work Part 8
    One theory on how computers work involves groups of small gnomes that run around inside the case using enchanted spells to obey the will of the users.
  • Omar And Katherine Lutfey
    I took my car to the shop to get the driver's side power window fixed, a saw my doctor for my annual check-up, oh, yeah, and I went and married Katherine.
  • Another Dot Com
    I get a lot of inside information about up-and-coming web sites. And I'm not just talking about unsolicited e-mail I get on my AOL account
  • Do Pennies Make Our Lives Better?
    Until last week I considered myself neutral on the entire penny issue. A recently published report sponsored by Americans for Common Cents (a pro-penny group backed by zinc companies) documents the effects if the Federal government were to take pennies …
  • Gods Playing Poker
    Jesus: Just this morning I produced my image in a tortilla in a small town in eastern Texas. Thor: I've always admired you for that.

One Large French Fry

The continuing heat wave in Europe has reportedly led to 3,000 deaths in France. While neighboring countries called on military forces to help deal with the problem, France has been busy drafting a United Nations proposal asking the local climate to refrain from being so hot.

Share this:

  • Click to share on Twitter (Opens in new window)
  • Click to share on Facebook (Opens in new window)
Posted on August 14, 2003March 7, 2021Author Omar LutfeyCategories Quips

Post navigation

Previous Previous post: Flights Of Fancy
Next Next post: DVD Lo Down
Proudly powered by WordPress