Condemned killer Kenneth Biros could become the first person in the country put to death with a single dose of an intravenous anesthetic instead of the usual — and faster-acting — process if his execution proceeds Tuesday.  This new process is believed to be more humane than the previous method of strapping the individual into a chair and forcing them to watch old episodes of “The View” until they became bored to death.

In a recent interview on the Oprah Winfrey show, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin described the President’s economic plan as “back-assward.”  She went on to explain how her plan would be different when she runs for Office in 2012.  “When I sit down at that big desk in the White House, the first thing I’ll do is fix this economic disaster by getting rid of all these overly complex rules that only benefit those shady characters on Wall Street and make things nice and simple by declaring that the dollar is worth exactly one pound of caribou meat and all new home loans will be backed by the snow machines in your garage.  The second thing I’ll do is boldly stand at the window and wave to all of our neighboring countries.”

The shit really hit the fan today at work, so I confronted my supervisor and told him that somebody doesn’t know how to use that new high-tech bidet they put in the men’s bathroom.

ABC is working to quiet rumors of a major retooling of their science fiction drama ‘V’.   One anonymous source reported, “yes, we are making one small change to the script after having consulted with Nobel Prize winner and former Vice President of the United States Al Gore.  Now, instead of the visitors coming to take our water, as in the original, they plan on stealing all of our carbon offset tax credits.”

“Jon and Kate Plus Eight” celebrity Jon Gosselin has reportedly turned to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, well known as a spiritual adviser to Michael Jackson, for religious counseling.  The Rabbi released the following statement to the press, “Jon is aware that his recent behavior has been creating a negative image in the media.  He hopes that through a renewed religious commitment he can forge a more positive path for himself and his family.  Also, he discovered that wearing a Yarmulke covers up his growing bald spot.”

The time line for former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin’s pet project involving a natural gas pipeline across Alaska has recently come into question.  Despite recent increases in the price of this abundant resource in the state, many experts are questioning when, if ever, the project will be completed.  To save on construction costs, Palin’s plan called for driving down to the Home Depot in Anchorage, buying 2000 miles of PVC pipe and a few cases of duct tape, and sending 18 of her nephews out on snow machines to fit everything together.

The bitter divorce proceedings of the Gosselin family, famous for their reality show “John and Kate Plus Eight,” continue to play out in the media tabloids.  When asked for a comment on the situation, a high level employee of the network anonymously commented, “When divorce proceedings turn ugly like this the judicial system needs to focus on what is best for the children.  We strongly believe sole custody should be given to the TLC network.  I mean, come on, have you seen the parents lately?  They have both gone bat-shit crazy.  And this would fit nicely into our plan for our new reality show ‘Eight’.”

To help prevent the spread of the H1N1 virus, medical authorities in the United States are recommending the following precautions:  get the flu shot once it becomes available, stay home from work if you are exhibiting flu-like symptoms, and, most importantly, avoid any impromptu “Hands Across America” events.

A 72 year old woman who was tasered during a routine traffic stop has received a $40,000 settlement from a Texas county.  In response to this and several other high-profile incidents, the maker of Taser stun guns has created several recommendations on taser gun use, including instructing officers to avoid hitting suspects in the chest and retrofitting guns with a second chamber that, when fired, automatically ejects pre-signed litigation settlement checks.

Here was a joke on Thursday’s Saturday Night Live:

A man in Massachusetts who used a pellet gun to steal a hot dog from another man in the park has been sentenced to 18 months in prison.  And just for future reference, stealing a guys wallet can buy you lots of hot dogs.

Here is my version:

A man in Massachusetts who used a pellet gun to steal a hot dog from another man in the park has been sentenced to 18 months in prison where he will be warmly embraced as “the guy who likes to grab other guy’s wieners.”