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  • I was sitting in Good Times taking my break from being a UPS driver and all, and I found a very inexpensive way to entertain myself for a few minutes before it was time to get back to work. I took a copy of the “Tidbits” newspaper (its a paper with random stories and local ads that’s maybe 8 pages total) and slightly altered all the photographs of people in the paper. Here is a partial list of items I added:

    Harry Potter glasses
    monicals
    bushy eyebrows
    pointy goatees
    Hitler style mustaches
    cigars
    handlebar mustaches
    devil horns
    mustaches that curl up around at the ends

    Also I found a really cute golden retriever that I altered so he was smoking a bong.

    After I finished with that, I started the Suduko puzzle, but it was rated “very hard” and I gave up after I filled in a half dozen squares.  So I filled in a few more squares with random things like numbers bigger than 9, letters of the alphabet, pi, and a small drawing of a tree.

    Of course the really entertaining part was carefully putting back on the stand with all the other new copies.  I amuse myself thinking of the next person who gets to see what I’ve done.

    Now that I think about this, I remember doing a similar activity back in high school.  We would go out to Taco Bell, order the nachos, and take a few extra straws back to the table.  Carefully, we would take a straw out of the wrapper, suck up the nacho “cheese” into the straw, place the straw back in the wrapper, and casually take the straw back to the condiment area.  We never did get to see anyone get the nacho cheese filled straw, but knowing that someone did made entertained us for the rest of the afternoon.

    I was always proud of that because it was funny, but not destructive.  Kind of like putting a rubber band around the trigger of the pull out sprayer at the kitchen sink so when the next person turns on the water it shoots straight at their chest.  I did that to my sister when I was in middle school.

  • I’m getting married in June, which means I’ve got a lot of stuff to do before then. Of course I’m putting off all those things and procrastinating by writing a story about my old myspace profile when I really should be going to the Men’s Warehouse to get fitted for a suit. Anyone looking to meet people on the Internet is going to have to create a profile to describe who they are. A good profile will catch the attention of the type of people you would like to meet. A bad profile will repel these types of people, and, in some extreme cases, get your name permanently added to several government watch lists. Below is my old Myspace profile, along with some pointers in bold.

    About Me:

    First of all, I’m a delivery driver in Northern Colorado. Saying where you live and what kind of work you do is a good place to start, but don’t be too specific.

    What does this mean to you? I’m pretty active since I’m running around town in a big brown truck 45 hours a week. I have a nice tan, except for the fact that my feet are totally white from my socks. I’m in good shape, except my love for Taco Bell means I have a few extra pounds to deal with. Be honest about your age and physical description. And while I’m on the topic, make sure to put up a reasonably new picture of yourself, preferably looking somewhat happy where your body takes up at least half the image. Sending a picture you took at a bar with 17 other people all wearing novelty Saint Patrick’s day sunglasses isn’t going give the other person much to go on.

    Finally, I have a habit of droning on about work related stories, but I’m currently getting counseling and electro-shock therapy to keep it under control. References to electro-shock treatments can be a good ice breaker.

    I’m also a writer. Not the kind that had made any money, but I keep plugging away at it. My goal is to get one of my stories on Saturday Night Live or Mad TV. I run a website at Newfunny.com where I put a lot of my writing. Mentioning what you would like to be doing is a good idea. Not too many people work at their dream job, so knowing that your soul hasn’t been crushed from years of cubical nesting gives your profile a positive spin.

    What else do I do? I’m currently building an entry for next years Kinetics Race in Boulder. Once I get my hands on some welding equipment and some industrial grade marine Styrofoam I’ll be 80 percent finished. OK, this brings up a concept that many people don’t grasp too well. Many people assume if you write about your strangest hobbies everyone will thing you are crazy and nobody will talk to you. In reality, a certain percentage of the viewers will be turned off by this, but the ones who aren’t will be even more intrigued. For example, saying that you’ve been to one or more Star Trek conventions will make 90 percent of the viewers move on to the next profile, but the remaining 10 percent will be 90 percent more likely to keep reading. On the other hand, saying you like movies and going out to eat isn’t going to win points with anyone. You might as well say you like breathing air and drinking water.

    I also like to play pool, ride my motorcycle, and meet new people. I’m very outgoing when I’m working, but more quiet and reserved when I go out socially. For some reason the UPS uniform gives me special powers– I can park where ever I want, ask random questions of total strangers, and of course run to the front of the line at any business without anyone getting mad. Talking about your job is good in moderation. Just remember to keep is positive. Starting a sentence with, “My boss is such a jerk-off for the following eleven reasons…” isn’t the best way to go, even if have detailed documentation to back up your claims.

    Who I’d like to meet:

    What do I want from a woman? Well, have you ever seen “Lord of the Rings”? All I want is a beautiful elven princess, like, say, Arwin (played by Liv Tyler) who possesses eternal beauty, courage, passion, and kindness but is willing to give it all up for a stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder (hmmm… I might be mixing my sci-fi metaphors a bit here). Am I asking too much? If you fit all of these criterion but are only a regular human princess, give me a call. If you are Liv Tyler, give me a call right now. This section is largely a trick question. Many of the things you want from a potential mate you can’t come right out and say in the beginning, like, say, “I want to meet someone who will paint my house on a regular basis. And not just going through the motions either. They need to do all the proper preparation like scraping the old paint, filling in the cracks, and laying a solid coat of primer.” And when you say “paint my house” you really mean something else like “cook all my meals,” “do my laundry,” or “satisfy my deviant sexual fetishes.”

    Seriously though, I want a woman with a strong sense of balance. Not falling over too much, being able to ride a bicycle, and perhaps even the ability to juggle a few tennis balls is a good start. But more important is having a balance between your own needs and the needs of partner. Give and take is a big part of a strong relationship. Like saying, “OK, we can watch the stupid History channel special about subway construction (which I’ll bet you’ve already see before) but I get to put my feet up on your lap and so you can rub lotion on them during the show.” or “I’ll do the laundry if you do something about that rotting dead hooker in the trunk.” Another thing about what type of person you want to meet: You don’t need to say that you are looking for someone who shares common interests. That is kind of assumed. Nobody looks at profiles and thinks, “I want someone who is totally opposite than me in every possible dimension so we can just sit at dinner silently night after night knowing that any attempt at communication is destined to fail until the weaker willed of the union can’t take it anymore and, in a fit of uncontrolled anger, throws their dinner plate across the table accidentally decapitating their partner and damaging beyond any hope of repair, the Persian rug sitting underneath the dining room table that had been in your family for two generations.”

    So now that my days of online dating are over, I hope this helps out everyone out there who haven’t met/seduced/started stalking their favorite lover. Keep your spirits up, your profile up to date, and your dates full of spirits.

  • Who wants to save electricity? Or from a more pragmatic perspective: Who wants to save money? By far the best first step in reducing a home utility bill is to buy compact fluorescent light bulbs to replace less efficient incandescent bulbs. These CFL bulbs used to be quite pricey, but I just checked on Amazon.com and found a pack of 8 bulbs available for $12.69. Don’t wait for the old bulbs to burn out– grab the step stool from the utility closet and go on a bulb changing spree. The the cost of the new bulbs will be covered by the savings on next month’s electricity bill. The biggest challenge is removing the new bulbs from the hermetically sealed double-walled cocoons that General Electric uses to keep their merchandise safe during the moving process. Personally, I have found these types of packages quite easy to open by driving to my local home improvement store and a) renting an acoustic welder, b) purchasing a set of the “jaws of life”, and c) ranting like a lunatic at the poor girl working the customer service center until she successfully opens the package.

    So now you figured out how easy it is to save a few bucks each month without any real long-term lifestyle change. So what’s next? CFL bulbs are the low hanging fruit on the home energy efficiency tree. Many of the next ideas, while they will consume less electricity, have a more significant startup cost. Buying a programmable thermostat can save money, but it will cost somewhere in the neighborhood of $100. Buying Energy Star appliances is also going to save money in the long run. Heck, replacing all the exterior windows in a house with double pained high efficiency windows will pay off ten to fifteen years down the road. Assuming, of course, that home prices will stop going down somewhere down the road. And, just a reminder, if you don’t own the building in which you live, well, none of this paragraph applies to you anyway.

    For the forty five percent of the population that is renting, and the rest of the home owners who are only one quarter the environmentalist of Ed Begley Jr., the next step is to go from room to room and count how many remote controls you use on a regular basis. Here is a list of the electronic devices in my house that use a remote control: two television sets, two DVD players, satellite box, audio receiver, Playstation 2, XM Radio, and two CD players. When these devices are plugged in but not turned on they are drawing power. All these devices are consuming small amounts of electricity 24/7 which adds up to about 5% of your electric bill.

    One way to eliminate this problem is to plug these devices into outlets which are shut off by a nearby electrical switch. Another solution is to plug these devices into a power strip. When you turn off the switch on the wall or on the power strip, no electricity is getting to these devices. While this solution works in a technical sense, many people are going to forget to physically disconnect these devices on a regular basis. And, let’s face it, another segment of the population won’t really understand why they need to unplug something they just turned off.

    I have a much better idea.

    In the future, any stand-alone electronic device that comes with a remote control is also going to contain a built-in remote control cradle to physically keep the remote control with the device. When the remote is not in the cradle, the electronic device listens for signals from the remote. When the remote is returned to the cradle, it physically activates a switch which disables the circuitry used for the remote control. The benefits are twofold: The remote control is kept with the device when not in use and the device is not wasting energy associated with the remote control. Note that when the remote is in the cradle all the non-remote functionality is still active.

    A slight variation of this idea can be implemented for more complex setups such as a home entertainment centers. Often times several components are working in unison. For example, a universal remote control can send signals to a television set, a cable box, and DVD player. For this setup a stand alone cradle can be used for the single remote control. This type of cradle plugs into a wall outlet and contains space for multiple electrical devices (much like a power switch) for the television, cable box, and DVD player. When the universal remote control is removed from the cradle, power is restored to all the devices. When the user is finished, all the devices are turned off through the remote control and the remote control is placed back in the cradle. This activates a switch which completely cuts off all power to these devices.

    While reducing a home’s power consumption by 5% may seem trivial, as a nation we are wasting 65 Billion kilowatt-hours of electricity which costs us $5.8 billion dollars a year. To put that in perspective, the Hoover Dam produces 565 million kilowatt-hours each year. That is equivalent to 115 Hoover Dams.

  • Here is a song I wrote for Nick– another UPS driver who is also in a country/rock band. I came up with the idea back when I lived in Amsterdam and took the train to work every day.

    You sit next to me
    I tell you that’s OK
    without speaking a word
    nothing much to say

    the smell of your perfume
    as you sit there quietly
    makes me wonder who you are
    and if you wonder about me

    I’m just a regular Joe
    do you really want to know
    the thoughts in my brain?
    two more strangers on a train

    our bodies share warmth
    close as lovers lay
    should I open up
    or keep you at bay

    time is winding down
    as we race from A to B
    should I act as expected
    or challenge destiny?

    I’m just a regular Joe (another Jane doe)
    do you really want to know
    the thoughts in my brain
    two more strangers on a train

  • The days are getting cooler, the political issue rob-calling is winding down, and most stores are busy setting up extensive Valentine’s day promotional material– which means it must be time for me to write my annual Christmas letter. 2008 has been a crazy year with the economy, the presidential election, and, of course, the wonderfully crazy mid-season cliffhanger of Battlestar Galactica which led a shaky alliance between the Cylons and the fleet back to Earth only to see the crumbling remains of New York City. What the frack happened? We have to wait until January 2009 to how that’s going to play out.

    The first project I tackled this year was cleaning up some of the loose ends on my entertainment center. A few years back I installed a projector and a large screen in my previously underused living room. This let me watch movies and television on a screen that’s about 10 feet across. Since I had become such an expert in cutting holes in drywall, I decided to add front and rear built in speakers to replace the speakers sitting on the floor. I also closed off the “projection room” with glass to cut down on the fan noise. Finally, I added a picture frame on hinges in front of the electronic equipment to give the room a more finished look. If I ever decide to to move the entertainment center is going to have to stay with the house– I’m pretty sure I don’t have the skills to repair all the drywall damage I’ve created.

    My next Christmas-letter-worthy project was to file for a United States Patent. I’ve been kicking around this idea for a remote control holder that shuts off power to the television when not in use. (Many people don’t realize that any electronic device that uses a remote draws power when plugged in but turned off.) So I hired a lawyer who took my idea and transformed it into 30 pages of techno-patent-babble. We would sit at my kitchen table as he explained why he replaced the phrase “electrical switch” with “electronic control device” to make the patent as broad as possible. So now I’m in the process of promoting the idea to various companies. I put together a website at www.BlackRemote.com to explain the idea in more detail. If all goes well my 2009 Christmas Letter will describe production of a wacky remote control holder infomercial.

    In August Katherine, my mom, and I went on a cruise to Alaska. Since water based transportation options in Colorado are somewhat limited (the canoe ferry down the Colorado river was booked months in advance), we chose to fly to Seattle and get on a boat from there. Coincidentally, we traveled aboard the same ship we were on during our trip to the Caribbean. When we picked our room this time around we decided NOT to be directly under the aerobics room where people gathered at way-too-early hours of the day to jump up and down in unison. Traveling through Alaska’s inside passage in a 14 story mega cruise ship took some getting used to (I’m still not sure exactly why the ship doesn’t tip right over, especially with the two pools, four hot tubs, and the food buffett on the very top), but I did enjoy eating a leisurely breakfast while watching various islands move in and out of my field of vision. We took a scenic train ride in Skagway. It is one thing to watch the History Channel and have them talk about some small foot path that prospectors used during the gold rush, it a much different experience to see it in person. Other highlights of the trip included the optional fire drill and mandatory midnight chocolate buffet.

    This year saw the end of my ownership of my Saturn. Since 1996 I’ve driven a hunter green Saturn SC2 coupe. I’ve managed to put 131,000 miles on it, and I decided that if I didn’t sell it soon I would just end up driving it until the last of the plastic body panels decomposed. After looking at all my options, I decided I wanted an all wheel drive car. After looking at all kinds of Subarus, a few Ford Fusions, and even kicking the tires of a Dodge Challenger, I decided on a used 2004 Audi A4 quattro wagon. It is fun to drive, gets decent gas mileage, and, most importantly, the dog likes the big flat area in the back when we take him places. I listed my Saturn on Craigslist and had it sold in two weeks.

    I’m still working at UPS. I’m now on year number seven and counting. I am still a driver who covers other driver’s routes when they are sick or on vacation. Each year I learn a few more of the fifty five or so routes covered by the Loveland center. This year’ highlight was when I spent a few weeks working way out in Milliken, Colorado to see what’s going on out there. Short answer: not much. Long answer: nothing, I was exaggerating when I said “not much” for the short answer. I’m not saying Milliken is small– just go to the main restaurant in town, “Jose’s Taco Factory,” and ask anyone there.

    So that summarizes 2008 for me. My resolutions for 2009 include watching all the Battlestar Galactica that I can get my hands on, getting out to see the new “Star Trek” movie coming out in May, and, of course, spending a few minutes each day watching my dog race around the house like a maniac. So until next year remember what they keep singing in the “Smokey and the Bandit” movies: We’re going to do what they say can’t be done. We’ve got a long way to go, and a short time to get there.

  • I’m switching Internet service providers because my wireless service didn’t work well in the wind. A cable modem should improve the overall performance, and, as a bonus, my pornography will stop showing up on my neighbor’s computer.

  • My doctor’s prostate exam really left an impression on me. And by that I mean that all my poop is shaped like his finger.

  • Campaign Ad #1

    The entire ad is shown in the form of dated black and white film. The scene fades in showing an elaborate 1950’s ball A full sized orchestra is playing Glenn Miller’s “Moonlight Serenade.” All the men are clean cut and wearing traditional suits. A few couples are dancing in the middle, but for the most part the men are on one side and the women are on the opposite side.

    George W. Bush is casually drinking some fruit punch and John McCain is in a dress and high heels wearing makeup sitting alone with the other women. They briefly establish eye contact but McCain quickly looks away. Bush sets his drink down and slowly moves towards McCain.

    McCain notices, but keeps looking away when their eyes meet.

    Bush sits down next to McCain and asks, “What’s a pretty girl like you doing all by yourself tonight?”

    McCain nervously coughs and explains, “Well, you see, I’m not like most of the other girls. I like to think of myself as a maverick.”

    Bush replies, “I’m always up for a challenge– how about a dance?”

    “I don’t know,” McCain answers. “You don’t seem like my type.”

    “I’m everyone’s type honey. Now stand up and let’s dance.”

    McCain reluctantly stands up and takes Bush’s hand as they walk towards the center of the dance floor.

    “Just follow my lead and you will do just fine.”

    “I’m just not sure about this.”

    They start dancing and McCain does surprisingly well.

    Bush pipes up, “See, you’re very good at this.”

    Right after he said that, McCain steps on one of Bush’s feet.

    McCain smiles nervously and says, “I’m sorry, that must be my maverick side coming out.”

    They keep dancing and making small talk. The camera slowly zooms out and shows the rest of the party with the following text fades in over the screen:

    “McCain is in step with Bush 95% of the time”

    “Do we need more of the same old song and dance?”

    “Obama 2008”

    Campaign Ad #2

    “On February 11, 2006, Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter in the face.”

    Change to a shot of Sara Palin giving a speech to a large group of people. In the audience she sees a young man with a Palin t-shirt and a baseball cap with a set of fake antlers sticking out of the top. Sara yells “MOOSE!” and reaches both hands over her shoulders and pulls out two shotguns concealed in her outfit. She starts shooting with guns in both hands as she screams while running towards the man with the moose hat.

    “Who would Sara Palin shoot?”

  • OK, so I’m driving around in a UPS truck this afternoon and I saw the following personalized license plate without any spaces in between the letters:

    BIGAL

    I guess the meaning really depends on where you put the space.

  • A report in the December 2007 issue of Animal Behavior claims male monkeys pay for sex with grooming services. After a twenty month observation of the monkeys, one researcher concluded, “Despite the rather conclusive evidence that monkeys pay for these services, we still advise the general public to avoid monkeys who try to pay for sex with a personal check.”

  • A German travel agency recently announced it would start taking bookings for a trial nudist day trip from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the popular Baltic Sea resort of Usedom. The 55 passengers will have to remain clothed until they board, and dress before disembarking. When asked what effect this will have on the flight one executive commented, “we expect a drastic reduction in the number of passengers wanting to swap seats– especially during the summer months.”

  • Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett recently challenged it’s citizens to collectively lose one million pounds through change in diet and exercise after being ranked in the top 10 of America’s Fattest Cities. After hearing the news, the two half million pound men in the front row looked at each other and asked, “That’s all great and all, but what can WE do to make things better?”