Still working damage control, Senator Trent Lott recently appeared on Black Entertainment Television to apologize for recent racially insensitive comments. While many viewers found his thirty-minute speech unconvincing, the Senate Republican leader generally received high marks for his introductory break-dance routine.
Investors are not expecting good news when McDonald’s Corp. updates its earnings outlook on Tuesday. In an effort to increase profits, the world’s largest fast food establishment has announced plans to cut several high-profile employees and increase the number of items on the $1 value meal. Can anyone say “McGrimmace Burgers?”
Singer David Lee Roth is suing his former Van Halen band mates. The suit alleges members of the band robbed him of royalty money through a 1996 contract with Warner Bros. When asked about the legal proceedings, Roth said, “Woooo! I’m back in the spotlight, and ready to ROCK!!!”
Republican Senator Trent Lott apologized once again for a recent comment made regarding Strom Thurmond’s 1948 presidential campaign based on a segregationist platform. Meanwhile, democrats have officially adopted an “anti-dixiecrat Lott-bashing” platform for the 2004 elections.
(Fade in to Jerry Falwell rhythmically tapping a pencil on the desk)
Falwell: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the premiere of the Conservative Weather Channel. My name is Jerry Falwell and I’m here today with my co-host Pat Buchanan. How are you doing today, Pat?
Buchanan: I’m excited Jerry– excited to be here and grateful for this opportunity to finally create a weather channel for the conservative citizens of the world.
Falwell: I couldn’t agree more– While the liberal news bias has been well documented for many years now, most people are ignorant of how it has crept into the weather reports. We founded the Conservative Weather Channel, or CWC, to let people learn about the weather from a solid conservative perspective.
Buchanan: We like to think of the CWC as “the weather channel that Jesus would watch.” To start out, we eliminated the flashy introduction graphics. In its place we just have one of us tapping a pencil on the edge of the desk when the cameras start rolling. We considered several other ideas for the introduction. One option involved banging a large gong– it was a pleasing sound, but we didn’t want to get into the whole “Asian” issue.
Falwell: Good point, Pat. Our viewers aren’t interested in different cultures– those kind of people are too busy watching “The Jeffersons” on “Nick at Nite.” But enough small talk– lets get right down to the weather.
Buchanan: OK, Jerry. I was outside a few minutes ago, and it was raining. Everything else is mere speculation.
Falwell: You see, this is exactly what the CWC is all about. Those liberals over at the Weather Channel use all kind of fancy computers and satellites in a futile attempt to predict the future. Lets be honest here– that kind of attitude just flies right in the face of God. I don’t want to go so far as to say they are minions of Satan, but that entire operation sure would benefit from some good old fashioned God-fearing humility.
Buchanan: This morning I read the Bible and asked God to help me see His vision for today. With His blessing I researched past temperatures for this time of the year and factored in the sins of humanity. Using this data, we performed a statistical report to find the average mean high seasonally adjusted temperature. God willing, we can expect the high today to be 65 degrees, plus or minus 13.34 degrees. The range of course, is the statistically accepted two standards of deviation of the mean sample value.
Falwell: I’m glad you took the time to explain your methods instead of just picking a random number out of the air. So what would you suggest for our viewers that are going to be outside today?
Buchanan: Well, Jerry, I like to play it safe. Going outside with just a short sleeve shirt would simply be tempting fate. I suggest a long sleeve shirt, waterproof jacket, parka, earmuffs, sandals, sunscreen, a baseball hat with those flaps that cover the neck and ears, and of course six to ten road flares. Anyone going farther than the local grocery store should, obviously, take extra precautions.
Falwell: Now that’s what I call conservative! I can’t think of a better feeling than playing it safe. Do you have any information on long term weather patterns?
Buchanan: I believe residents of the San Francisco area should be prepared for a reign of fire. God is angry about all their non-Christian behavior and is getting ready to punish the entire vicinity to set an example for the rest of this great nation. Now I can’t say what the exact form of there complete and utter annihilation is going to be, but a sudden earthquake and falling into the Pacific Ocean seems like a distinct possibility.
Falwell: I can’t argue with you on that point. Well, that’s all the time we have for today. We hope you enjoyed the show. And remember folks, if you miss the show for some reason, just read the Bible and pray to God– He will help show you what to do. Good night, and God bless you.
(Jerry starts tapping on the desk again as the cameras fade out.)
President Bush signed into law legislation to create a new kids-safe domain on the internet. The “.kids.us” domain will contain content acceptable for children under the age of 13. When the president signed the bill, he went on record saying, “I support this child net safety law– especially after I saw that musical fella dangling his kid off a balcony in Berlin. A safety net could have really helped that poor child.”
A police investigation is underway into a pornographic movie shot on campus at Indiana University. A film crew from Shane Enterprises had 20 to 30 students sign model release forms before shooting erotic footage for “Shane’s World 32: Campus Invasion.” The resident manager at Teter Quadrangle who brought the matter to the police commented, “I don’t want to see anyone taking advantage of students. And don’t get me started on the lack of character development and poor lighting. Anyone else who has seen the first 31 movies in the series knows what I’m talking about.”
The world in which we live is far from perfect. The English and Metric systems of measurements are still fighting it out, the Republican party completely pummeled the Democrats in recent mid-term elections, and the soda I just opened exploded out of the can and soiled my last clean T-shirt. While I like to believe otherwise, I have to admit that Kristin, my significant other, is also a little less than perfect. While many of her personality traits fall into the “quirky” category, quite a few people have asked me, “What’s it like to have a girlfriend who is missing a finger?”
For anyone keeping track of this type of information, Kristin is missing her right ring finger. Actually, I wouldn’t say she’s been missing it, Bob. (NOTE TO SELF: Watch “Office Space” movie later on tonight.) In all honesty, she never had the digit in question to begin with. It all started twenty-some years ago when the stork paid a visit to Kristin’s parents. To save some money, Kristin was ordered unassembled. Her parents carefully unpacked all the baby parts and started reading the extensive directions. Unfortunately, they were too busy trying to locate “slot A” and “tab 3” to notice the dog ran into the other room with part RF-0004. By the time they realized the situation, it was getting rather late and the decision was made to wrap things up before the new episode of “The Love Boat” came on at eight. Perhaps if Ethel Merman wasn’t a guest on the Princess Caribbean that night the situation would have been different.
In some ways Kristin’s life is more difficult because of her missing finger. One problem she constantly faces involves finding a decent pair of gloves. Most glove manufactures only make gloves with exactly five fingers on each hand. When she does find four fingered gloves, they usually are constructed of inferior materials and do not reflect current fashion trends. Also, most department stores will not allow customers to mix and match the four and five fingered gloves. Kristin is currently looking for a “complimentary glove life partner”– another woman with similar hand size that is missing the left ring finger. Despite an extensive Internet search, no such woman has been found.
Another problem Kristin faces on a daily basis is balance. Since the right side of her body has slightly less mass her internal balancing mechanism has to constantly readjust for this irregularity. When I first explained this to Kristin, she did not believe me. To prove my point, we drove to a nearby field to test my hypothesis. I blindfolded Kristin and told her to walk in a straight line back to the car. Sure enough, she started drifting away from the straight line after a few steps. She eventually walked in concentric clockwise circles with a radius of roughly forty-seven meters. To help correct this situation, I suggested that she start wearing a watch on her right hand. While not a perfect solution, it does seem to balance her out.
Having an odd number of fingers can have certain advantages. For instance, Kristin has landed a role in the upcoming movie “The Princess Bride 2.” I don’t want to give away too much, but she spends her adolescence as a metalsmith apprentice. In her spare time she creates a custom four-fingered mace for the climatic battle scene with the mysterious six-fingered man. And Fred Savage, well, he is an evil robot. Unfortunately, the shooting schedule has been delayed because the casting director is currently looking for another eight-foot-tall French wrestler to replace the late great Andre the Giant.
The best thing about Kristin’s missing digit is holding her hand. With most people, this process is usually complicated by the issue of finger placement. Personally, I like my thumb to be on top, but I also like to have my pinkie on the outside. Now I can have it both ways, and the overall situation is a lot less crowded. Four fingers seems like more than enough to establish a positive connection. For this reason, I believe this condition will eventually work its way into the process of human evolution. Four fingered people will be highly sought after for their superior hand-holding abilities. Through the process of genetic manipulation (either by the multiple generation-spanning process of natural selection or through shady scientific DNA meddling of mad scientists) human beings of the future will simply stop growing so many fingers. Which actually makes a lot of sense– I almost never use all ten of my fingers at the same time.
What does Kristin think of all this? Not too much– most people don’t comment on her missing finger. I guess its just human nature to assume people aren’t missing body parts. While most normal people don’t consider her condition to be much of an issue, Kristin did qualify for a disabled drivers license when she lived in the state of New York. (NOTE TO READERS: No, I’m not making that part up. The only exceptions to that rule are people who lost fingers through illegal offshore wagers or in the making of “Jackass” style home videos.) Of course that does little good since she hasn’t lived there for more than a decade. So until Kristin decides to drive 2000 miles to renew her driver’s license, I just like to think of her as the woman who puts the “hand” back in “handicapped.”
Less than four months after getting married, Lisa Marie Presley and Nicolas Cage have filed for divorce. While Cage only issued a terse comment on the matter, Michel Jackson held an elaborate press conference where he proudly announced, “I knew that if I cranked up my freakiness she would be irresistibly drawn back to the house of Jacko. Lisa and I will remarry, and the bones of the Elephant man will be happy once again.”
Sixty passengers on a Disney cruise have fallen ill on the ship’s latest voyage, prompting officials to bring aboard the former head of the Centers for Disease Control to oversee the cleanup operations. The Disney spokesman described the sickness as “like the flu” and said the symptoms are mostly vomiting and diarrhea. The outbreak started after the ship’s Muzak system jammed and played twelve consecutive hours of “Its A Small World.”
Paramount Pictures recently announced plans for a motion picture based on the 1980s Fox television drama “21 Jump Street.” Plans call for the return of some original cast members and a heavy dose of computer-generated effects to turn Richard Grieko back into an undercover high school student.
A recent study found more pedestrians died on California streets than any other state in the nation. Last year, 731 pedestrians were killed in the Golden State. North Dakota came in dead last with three pedestrian fatalities. The study noted, however, that the rankings were reversed for the number of people who died of boredom.