Devilish Numbers April 28, 2003
Military troops in the Middle East are on high alert because April 28, 2003 marks Saddam Hussein’s sixty-sixth birthday. Still trying to locate the former dictator, Marine ground forces are questioning all Iraqi citizens who leave grocery centers with two or more “number six” candles.
How Computers Work Part 3 July 25, 2001
And don’t worry too much about the evil alien robot monkeys. The odds of them suddenly materializing in your bedroom are rather slim.
How Do I Annoy Thee? January 17, 2002
Since my schedule as a writer is quite flexible, I often submit to my nocturnal tendencies and end up doing things at somewhat odd hours.
AT&T Drops Tiger NYC December 31, 2009
Telecommunication giant AT&T recently announced plans to drop sponsorship of Tiger Woods due to his indefinite break from professional golf and infidelity issues. AT&T has also recently stopped selling certain phones in New York City for unknown reasons. This has led Tiger and NYC to become friends on Facebook and send each other messages about […]
DVD Lo Down August 14, 2003
Forty-two million pirated CDs and DVDs were destroyed in Beijing as Chinese authorities demonstrated their commitment to enforce international copyright laws. One movie executive in the United States commented, “While this is a step in the right direction, a closer examination of the situation showed an overwhelming majority of the pirated material was the movie […]
Fat Bottomed Girls July 18, 2003
The National Institute of Health released a report stating that while American children are becoming more obese, they are less likely to become pregnant or engage in violent activity. One of the researchers concluded, “If you want to keep your son out of school-yard fights and your daughter from getting knocked up, make sure they […]
Stephen Colbert Title Sequence November 10, 2012
“Mi-partison”, “My-partison”, and/or “Mypartison” are my submissions for the next word in Stephen Colbert’s “The Colbert Report.” I’m not sure exactly how to spell it since I just made up the word, but that is besides the point. For those who aren’t up on Comedy Central’s talk shows, every now and then a new phrase is […]
Free Bird July 1, 2003
Pop singer Rachel Farris and her independent record label are embedding mini-CDs in the lids of 4.8 million soft drink cups to be distributed at movie theaters and amusement parks. One music executive, who asked to remain anonymous, commented on this unique promotion, “As an industry, we want to send the message that we can […]
2023 Christmas Letter December 25, 2023
My character was a lovely one-eyed cleric who, many years ago, accidentally fell asleep next to his newly sharpened mace. Honestly, that could happen to anyone.
Me– Being Productive? November 7, 2001
I also engage in a vast array of interesting—if somewhat more mainstream—activities. Just the other day, for example, I ran my dishwasher.
Need For Speed November 15, 2002
A supercomputer in Yokohama, Japan recently claimed the number one position in the Top 500 list of the most powerful computer systems in the world. The system, which simulates climate and other aspects of the earth, consists of 640 machines connected through a high-speed network. The machine performs more than 35 trillion operations per second […]
Remote Control Conserves Energy June 19, 2009
Most electronic devices that use a remote control are constantly wasting energy “listening” for signals from the remote control, even when they are turned off. The problem is magnified with home entertainment centers which use multiple devices, all of which are accessible with a remote control. I’ve applied for a patent for a remote control […]
Six Months In Amsterdam July 1, 1999
Now that I think about it, the title sounds like a good title for a song. It would be kind of like “One Night in Bankock” but with less of a techno beat and more references to sex and drugs. In case you didn’t already know, I spent the first half of 1999 living and […]
Another Brick In The Wall June 5, 2003
Despite intense lobbying efforts by Microsoft, the city of Munich, Germany decided to stop using Microsoft Windows in favor of Linux, a popular open source operating system. In an official document explaining the situation, the government explained, “It was a tough decision to abandon the Microsoft corporation– we have the highest levels of respect for […]
Common Sense May 15, 2011
Several members of the Republican party, including Karl Rove and Sarah Palin, have openly criticized President Barack Obama for inviting the rap star Common to read a short poem at a recent White House Poetry event. “We don’t want this to come off as racists old school thinking,” the Republicans explained in a press release, […]
In The Beginning October 5, 2022
In the beginning God created the mathematical universe and it was formless and void. God said, “Let this be known as nothing.” Then God said, “It is not right that this creation should be alone. I will make a companion suitable for him. Also, let this be known as everything.” God saw that everything was […]
Business Birth February 18, 2004
After examining all the choices in the area, I’ve decided to start a fitness club that caters exclusively to pregnant woman, and I’m going to name the center “The OB-GYM.”
This Little Piggy May 13, 2003
A British teenager was recently forced to pay $160 to a policeman for calling him “fat.” The fine would have been higher, but the judge decided to deduct the cost of the pound of uncooked bacon the teen stuffed down the officers shirt during the altercation.
Good Oil Boys April 11, 2003
The Army Corps of Engineers today released details regarding a controversial plan to rebuild Iraq’s oilfields once the military campaign has ended. While some members of Congress are questioning the ethics of awarding a seven billion dollar contract without competitive bidding to a company once run by Vice President Dick Chaney, the Bush administration replied, […]
Fun And Games March 1, 2001
While most people think of me as a mere computer geek, the truth is that my obsession with the less popular aspects of general amusement span the entire technological spectrum. I can entertain myself for indefinite amounts of time with the time honored tradition of poking at things with a stick. At the other extreme, […]
Newfunny Consulting LLC April 8, 2002
Reality check here Omar, nobody is going to pay you money for your stupid Taco Bell song!
Kicking It Old School January 28, 2003
U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently caused a bit of a stir by stating that France and Germany’s reluctance to support a war against Iraq indicated they were still part of “old Europe.” A high ranking French official replied, “I’m not sure about the rest of the world, but talking about war and ‘old […]
In Military News September 26, 2002
President Bush became upset with Germany this week for refusing to support the United States regarding military action against Iraq. Many Democrats in the Senate responded to the incident by stating, “You know your battle plan sucks, Mr. President, when even Germany turns down your invitation to start a war.”
You Know You Are An Insomniac If October 30, 2001
Just to set the record straight, calculators have the 1,2,3 row on the bottom row while telephones put it on the top row.
License Plate May 29, 2008
OK, so I’m driving around in a UPS truck this afternoon and I saw the following personalized license plate without any spaces in between the letters: BIGAL I guess the meaning really depends on where you put the space.
Apple Products January 1, 2011
In its ongoing effort to expand market share, Apple has announced plans for a new hardware platform. While most of the specifications have yet to be finalized, a press release from the company covered the basic intentions of the product line. Since the invention of the personal computer in the mid 1980s, a major demographic […]
Dough Boys July 1, 2003
In an effort to reduce obesity in the United States, Kraft Foods Inc, the nation’s largest food manufacturer, has announced plans to evaluate portion sizes and the nutritional content of all its products. A spokesperson for Kraft explained, “In the future, a bag of, say, Oreo cookies will be exactly the same size as before, […]
2011 Christmas Letter December 25, 2011
As was the case with Isabel’s birth, I looked stunning in the white sterile body suit I wore during the birthing procedure.
For Our Next Project July 26, 2002
Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University built a machine designed to demonstrate basic social skills. The robot, named Grace, is a 6-foot-tall drum shaped device which communicates through a digitally animated woman’s face. While the robot’s social abilities are minimal at best, the researcher’s modest goal is to have Grace appear at least as human as […]
Horror Story September 25, 2003
In a recent Los Angeles Times interview, Stephen King announced he would soon be “done with writing.” While many fans will miss King’s unique horror-genre novels, television executives have calmed a nervous public by confirming a steady stream of crappy made-for-T.V. movies will be released through the 2023 television season.
Ice Pact May 5, 2010
Some 40 nations at a high-level climate meeting in Germany have made headway toward a pact to curb global warming. “This meeting has broken the ice and one cannot overestimate the importance,” Norbert Roettgen said as the three-day conference drew to a close. “Stop breaking the ice– I live there,” commented a polar bear in attendance.
One Large French Fry August 14, 2003
The continuing heat wave in Europe has reportedly led to 3,000 deaths in France. While neighboring countries called on military forces to help deal with the problem, France has been busy drafting a United Nations proposal asking the local climate to refrain from being so hot.
Buildin Better Townhomes September 16, 2009
I would try this myself, but I would like to avoid a lengthy legal dispute with my homeowner’s association.
Three Strikes February 6, 2003
In a recent interview, Ben Affleck dismissed rumors that he plans to marry Jennifer Lopez on Valentine’s Day. When asked if he ever had a fling with Britney Spears, Affleck again said it wasn’t true. He proceeded to ask the pop princess’s age and then mouthed the words “call me” as he made a telephone […]
Turning 40 April 4, 2014
So I finished turning 40 on Thursday. The biggest difference I’ve noticed is that when I deliver packages in the trailer park the trampy women aren’t throwing themselves at me like they did when I was 39 earlier in the week.
Star Search March 9, 2004
Astronomers using the Hubble Space telescope have released the deepest-ever image of the universe using a long duration exposure that provides a glimpse of the cosmos more than 13 billion years ago. “In addition to the clouds of space dust and ice particles,” one source close to the program explained, “we have discovered a very, […]
Father’s Day Update June 17, 2012
So Katherine ended up getting me a nine inch diameter glazed doughnut for Father’s Day. Apparently I was a little bit off the mark with the whole Lisa Loeb coming over to my house and making me pancakes. Katherine explained to me how she really tried to get Lisa to stop by, but apparently she […]
Does It Come With Wheels April 8, 2010
President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev signed an agreement on Thursday to significantly reduce the superpowers’ nuclear arsenals to the lowest point since the arms race of the 1960s. While many experts applauded the effort, the issue of “loose nukes” such as suitcase bombs was left unresolved. When asked about this point, Obama […]
Handicapped November 30, 2002
Quite a few people have asked me, “What’s it like to have a girlfriend who is missing a finger?”
iPhone Sex App August 15, 2009
However, the application has led to many complaints from users saying the iPhone is either the wrong shape or that the docking port is way, way too small.
Hot Potato September 29, 2003
A 6-foot tall, 150-pound Mr. Potato Head statue once used by the Rhode Island Tourism Division was stolen Friday from the driveway of a private home in Newport, Rhode Island. After hearing the news, the search for a 6-foot tall letter “E” was initiated by former Vice President Dan Quayle.
Houston September 19, 2005
NASA unveiled plans on Monday to return humans to the moon by 2018 at a cost of $104 billion as recently demanded by President Bush. One anonymous member of congress commented, “I think we need to form a commission and find out who is responsible for, sometime during his latest vacation, letting our Commander-In-Chief watch […]
World Racing Interface September 19, 2009
The world is your oyster. Oyster has no cash value.
Election Coverage November 1, 2002
Republicans accused Democrats of turning the memorial service for Paul Wellstone into a rousing political rally. When asked about how the unexpected death of the Minnesota Senator is going to effect the upcoming election, one Republican looked around suspiciously before speaking in a calm and controlled tone, “Yes, it was an accident.”
Why I Want My Own Route July 23, 2009
Here are the exact directions (meaning I’m not making any of this up) to 4580 County Road 68, Wellington, Colorado: Go north on I-25 and get off at the Wellington exit. Head north on the east side frontage road until you see a sign for CR68. There is only one house on the road and […]
Spice Rack November 2, 2002
Police in London arrested five people on Saturday for allegedly plotting to kidnap Spice Girl Victoria Beckham and hold her for a $7.8 million ransom. In a related note, authorities are still investigating the theft of the group’s music career.
All By Four April 19, 2011
I had to explain some car stuff to my wife today. The difference between “four wheel drive” and “all wheel drive” is as follows: In a four wheel drive car the power from the engine is transferred to each wheel to improve traction and handling. All wheel drive does much the same thing, but the […]
Internet Killed The TV Star November 23, 2014
I showed my kids “Video Killed the Radio Star” on YouTube today. This song has the honor of being the first video ever played on MTV. In a related story, MTV has announced it will play it’s very last music video later on this year.
Revenge Of The Nerds: The Next Generation April 13, 2012
So I’ve been keeping up to date on this whole “CSU wants to build a new football stadium on campus even though they already have one a few miles off campus” ordeal. For everyone not up to speed on the matter, read the previous sentence. Now that everyone is caught up, one of the proposals […]
Texas Toast April 16, 2005
Ecuador’s President Lucio Gutierrez declared a state of emergency and dissolved the Supreme Court, saying the unpopular judges were the cause of three days of pot-banging street protests. “Hey, now why didn’t I think of that?” asked Republican House majority leader Tom Delay.