Lutfey.com

  • Campaign Ad #1

    The entire ad is shown in the form of dated black and white film. The scene fades in showing an elaborate 1950’s ball A full sized orchestra is playing Glenn Miller’s “Moonlight Serenade.” All the men are clean cut and wearing traditional suits. A few couples are dancing in the middle, but for the most part the men are on one side and the women are on the opposite side.

    George W. Bush is casually drinking some fruit punch and John McCain is in a dress and high heels wearing makeup sitting alone with the other women. They briefly establish eye contact but McCain quickly looks away. Bush sets his drink down and slowly moves towards McCain.

    McCain notices, but keeps looking away when their eyes meet.

    Bush sits down next to McCain and asks, “What’s a pretty girl like you doing all by yourself tonight?”

    McCain nervously coughs and explains, “Well, you see, I’m not like most of the other girls. I like to think of myself as a maverick.”

    Bush replies, “I’m always up for a challenge– how about a dance?”

    “I don’t know,” McCain answers. “You don’t seem like my type.”

    “I’m everyone’s type honey. Now stand up and let’s dance.”

    McCain reluctantly stands up and takes Bush’s hand as they walk towards the center of the dance floor.

    “Just follow my lead and you will do just fine.”

    “I’m just not sure about this.”

    They start dancing and McCain does surprisingly well.

    Bush pipes up, “See, you’re very good at this.”

    Right after he said that, McCain steps on one of Bush’s feet.

    McCain smiles nervously and says, “I’m sorry, that must be my maverick side coming out.”

    They keep dancing and making small talk. The camera slowly zooms out and shows the rest of the party with the following text fades in over the screen:

    “McCain is in step with Bush 95% of the time”

    “Do we need more of the same old song and dance?”

    “Obama 2008”

    Campaign Ad #2

    “On February 11, 2006, Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter in the face.”

    Change to a shot of Sara Palin giving a speech to a large group of people. In the audience she sees a young man with a Palin t-shirt and a baseball cap with a set of fake antlers sticking out of the top. Sara yells “MOOSE!” and reaches both hands over her shoulders and pulls out two shotguns concealed in her outfit. She starts shooting with guns in both hands as she screams while running towards the man with the moose hat.

    “Who would Sara Palin shoot?”

  • OK, so I’m driving around in a UPS truck this afternoon and I saw the following personalized license plate without any spaces in between the letters:

    BIGAL

    I guess the meaning really depends on where you put the space.

  • A report in the December 2007 issue of Animal Behavior claims male monkeys pay for sex with grooming services. After a twenty month observation of the monkeys, one researcher concluded, “Despite the rather conclusive evidence that monkeys pay for these services, we still advise the general public to avoid monkeys who try to pay for sex with a personal check.”

  • A German travel agency recently announced it would start taking bookings for a trial nudist day trip from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the popular Baltic Sea resort of Usedom. The 55 passengers will have to remain clothed until they board, and dress before disembarking. When asked what effect this will have on the flight one executive commented, “we expect a drastic reduction in the number of passengers wanting to swap seats– especially during the summer months.”

  • Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett recently challenged it’s citizens to collectively lose one million pounds through change in diet and exercise after being ranked in the top 10 of America’s Fattest Cities. After hearing the news, the two half million pound men in the front row looked at each other and asked, “That’s all great and all, but what can WE do to make things better?”

  • Welcome Humanoid—I, Ertok the Evil Alien Overlord, have been assigned the process of downloading and summarizing recent memories from unit 5d-301, also known as Omar. On a side note, he didn’t seem to enjoy the memory nasal probe. None of them do, which is strange considering how much recreational time these humans spend on digitally probing their own nasal cavities. Sure, the NP-5000 penetrates slightly deeper and contains various sharp, pointy objects similar to a Swiss Army Knife, but otherwise the processes are identical. And really, why am I stuck on this remote planet monitoring meaningless humans anyway? Just because I drank a bit too much space ale last holiday and vaporized the arm of the Assistant Regional Supervisor of Remote Planet Observations? His two other arms remain intact, so as long as he doesn’t plan on a career in professional hyper-circuit-plasma-ball, he should be fine. And trust me, he doesn’t have anywhere near the upper thorax for it anyways. But I digress– commencing download.

    What’s going on? Where am I? Where is that voice coming from? I have to think about what I did this year? Why does it feel like someone crammed a Swiss Army Knife up my nose? It’s extracting my memories and digitally recording them—GREAT!

    I spent a considerable amount of time getting my team ready for the annual Boulder Kinetics race. By team I mean myself, Katherine, and the sprawling mass of Styrofoam, random bicycle parts, and strategically placed duct tape that calls itself home in the two car garage of my house. As many alert readers recall, my first attempt at the kinetics race ended about 5 feet into the Boulder reservoir. This year I actually completed roughly 70 percent of the race. Three things kept me from finishing the race: 1) the paddle mechanism was too deep in the water, 2) I wasn’t exactly in peak physical form, and 3) a previously unknown sea monster was covertly attaching itself to my craft during the water portions of the race, thereby significantly increasing my coefficient of drag. Obviously, I need to spend more time on the last issue.

    A few weeks after wrapping up the loose ends at Kinetics, Katherine and I decided to spice up our lives a bit by getting a dog. We discussed our dog needs, looked around at the local animal shelters, and finally decided to adopt Maury—a six month old black lab mix that was too scared to let anyone else play with him. They warned us Maury was what they called a “high energy” animal. I think a better way to describe his situation is to say he smokes crack several times a day. (Side note—our attempts to take a cute picture of Maury holding a crack pipe in his front paws were unsuccessful.) To go along with his high energy, Maury has a perpetual appetite. We feed him twice a day, and he thinks that every meal has barely managed to save him from starvation. Maury also has “jaws of death” teeth. Much like firefighters use the “jaws of life” to open up damaged vehicles, Maury’s teeth are very effective at ripping apart any type of dog toy we throw at him, regardless of any “indestructible” rating on the label. Despite his very active lifestyle, we have found that making him fetch his dog toy down one and a half flights of stairs fifteen to twenty times in a row will somewhat wear him out.

    We spent a lot of effort this year deciding where to go for a vacation in November. After shooting down almost all of Katherine’s ideas, I finally agreed on a Caribbean cruise. My main objection, obviously, was that I couldn’t hone my bowling skills while sailing to the Grand Caymans. Thanks to Norwegian Cruise Lines this is no longer a problem. The Pearl, one of their newest and largest ships, is equipped with just about every possible leisure activity known to man—including a fully equipped four lane bowling alley. We flew to into Miami, got on board the ship, and spent five days getting spoiled with great food and entertainment. The highlight of the Grand Caymans was going on a snorkeling excursion where we found ourselves up close and personal with a friendly group of stingrays. On the ship we got to see Second City—a Chicago based comedy improvisation group—on several nights of the cruise.

    I can’t, in good faith, write this letter without mentioning the worst crisis this country has been forced to deal with since the Monica Lewinski ordeal. Yes, I’m talking about the ongoing Writers Guild strike. Whose life hasn’t been radically altered now that new movies and television shows have been indefinitely put on hold? Several of my own personal creative ideas will have to wait until the strike is over to see the light of day. Here are a few gems from my computer’s hard drive:

    Saturday Night Live News Story: …and now for a special report on Senator Larry Craig, we present Tobias Fünke….

    OK, this might need a bit of an explanation here just in case a) you don’t watch as much TV as I do or b) you are from the far, far, future, (perhaps an alien species too far advanced for us to understand) taking a bit of a look-see at our Inter-Web and none of this makes any sense. Actor (adult humanoid) David Cross played Tobias Fünke on the regrettably short lived TV show (primitive two dimensional serial image and sound display device) “Arrested Development” who was, much like the Senator (regrettable evil needed to keep social order), in deep denial about his homosexuality (eww, if it involves old men, hot if it involves attractive college-aged women).

    House: Special Billing Unit

    Doctor House addressing a group of twenty accountants waiting patiently in the large classroom: “OK, team—my REAL team has, for this fiscal year, seen fifteen patients, saved eleven of them (eventually), and been forced to defend itself in five malpractice lawsuits. Strangely enough, it appears that most of our patients don’t have any insurance to pay for the extensive battery of tests we run with our revolutionary shotgun approach to diagnosis. In order to keep this facility financially solvent, you will find new, creative, and possibly ethical ways to make these deadbeats pay their bills.”

    So that about wraps it up for the year. And as the snowy weather moves in, here are a few things to consider: wear dry socks, put on plenty of Chapstick, and always remember that the dog can jump the fence in the front yard if he is standing on top of two feet of snow.

  • State and federal wildlife biologists are teaming up to eliminate rats who have, for the past 200 years, overrun a large Alaskan island uninhabited by humans. The island, known to locals as “Rat Island,” will face a multi-pronged attack that will include the use of a blood thinners to make the rats bleed to death. One official close to the operation commented, “I’m sure we can get people to live there when we can change the name from ‘Rat Island’ to ‘Dead Rat Island.’”

  • The International Bureau of Weights and Measures recently reported the 118-year-old cylinder that is the international prototype for the metric mass of a kilogram appears to have lost 50 micrograms. This confirms a theory that scientists have suspected for quite some time now– everyone is getting fatter.The International Bureau of Weights and Measures recently reported the 118-year-old cylinder that is the international prototype for the metric mass of a kilogram appears to have lost 50 micrograms. This confirms a theory that scientists have suspected for quite some time now– everyone is getting fatter.

  • Sunday early morning local news program. The stadium crew is busy setting up chairs in the middle of Investco Field.

    News anchor: … and preparations are underway for what is expected to be largest single event at Investco Field…

    (Quick Channel Change)

    Mid-morning: News reporter standing next to the highway at I-70 and the Kansas border. Eighty percent of the vehicles going west are UPS trucks, both delivery and feeder trucks.

    Reporter: …here on I-70 at the Kansas border since dawn. As you can see behind me, a majority of the vehicles passing by are the familiar brown color, and it shows no signs of letting up…

    (Quick Channel Change)

    Noon: News reporter in the control tower at Denver International Airport. Outside UPS planes are parked everywhere on the tarmac. Three lines of planes in the sky can be seen on the approach. The radar shows a solid line of planes in the air ready to land. In the background an air traffic controller is giving direction to countless UPS flights.

    Reporter: …from the main control tower at Denver International Airport. Usually a quiet time for the airport, this Sunday afternoon controllers are busy directing planes and finding space on the ground for all this incoming traffic. Fortunately, the three parallel north-south runway configuration allows concurrent…

    (Quick Channel Change)

    Dusk: News reporter at one of the entrances at Investco Field. The parking lot behind her is filled with UPS trucks of various sizes, some of which are still in the process of parking. A steady stream of UPS drivers are the only ones entering into the stadium.

    Reporter: …everywhere I look I see more and more brown. Delivery trucks of all sizes and even the big 18 wheelers are quickly taking every available parking spot.

    Switches to helicopter footage showing the stadium and surrounding parking lots. All are filled with different sized UPS trucks and drivers walking towards the stadium. The highway and most nearby roads contain mostly UPS trucks.

    Reporter: I’ve just received a parking update. All Investco Field parking—FULL. Pepsi Center lots—FULL. Auraria campus and Coors Field—ALL FULL. Officials are requesting that drivers…

    (Quick Channel Change)

    Evening: News reporter inside Investco Field. The stadium seats and the entire field are all filled with UPS drivers finding their seats with the exception of a small square shaped stage in the middle of the field with a single microphone on a stand on the edge of the stage. The crowd is talking amongst themselves creating a high energy level.

    Reporter: …standing room only here inside the stadium. We have gotten word that the ceremony will begin momentarily. The latest official attendance is 91,312 with a few latecomers trickling in the gates. This is by far the largest single event to be held at this stadium.

    The audience lights start to dim and two dozen spotlights around the stadium light up the stage.

    Reporter: It looks like things are starting up. We are going to try and get a close-up now.

    The camera zooms into the stage. The crowd quiets down surprisingly quickly. A small girl wearing a dress walks up to the microphone clutching a doll and a small book. The microphone is a little bit too high on the stand, so she has to reach up on her tip toes to get it. She puts the microphone to her mouth, hesitates a second, and says, “Thank you Santa.” Then, not sure what to do, she looks around, sets the microphone on the stage, and runs over to her mother waiting for her on the side of the stage.

    The entire crowd starts clapping and cheering wildly. They all rise to their feet to give her a standing ovation. Then it fades out to brown and says “What can brown do for you?”

  • IGF

    Announcer: Do you have a girlfriend?

    [Shots of three different guys nodding]

    Announcer: Is she perfect for you?

    [First guy nods, and the other two shake their heads]

    Announcer: Is she inflatable?

    [First two guys look offended, the third one give and apologetic shrug]

    Announcer: If you answered “Yes” or “No” to any of these questions, or if you haven’t changed the channel yet, you need the IGF 3000! After months of continuous use, inflatable girlfriends, or IGFs, have been known to malfunction and produce undesirable behaviors.

    [Shot of man and IGF in bed with the man shivering and all the sheets on top of the IGF]

    [Shot of man and IGF sitting on the couch. She is holding the remote. He says in a whiny voice, “Mannequin again?”]

    [Shot of IGF sitting at the kitchen table wearing a wife beater and boxer shorts with a cheap can of beer in her hand and a lit cigar in her mouth]

    Announcer: If this sounds like you, DON’T WORRY! The developers of the IGF 3000 have used “science” and “technology” to make everything all better!

    [Shot of a lab. One guy is furiously fake typing on an old Commodore 64. Another guy is intently watching a test tube of liquid boil while occasionally looking at something on his clipboard. It turns out to be a comic book.]

    Announcer: But wait! If you order now, we will throw in the “enhancement pack” ABSOLUTELY… at the regular price. In addition to all the basic features already described, the enhanced version will make your IGF even more productive around the house. She can exercise the pets.

    [Shot of IGF in sweat suit being dragged along the sidewalk by a dog on a leash. Then dog is shown riding her leg.]

    Announcer: She can run errands.

    [Shot of IGF driving a car in regular clothes]

    Announcer: She can even work on an oil rig!

    [Shot of sign saying “Footage not available”]

    Announcer: Quantities are, well, in theory, limited, so order now before your pesky roommate comes home and sees what you are doing!

  • Here is a picture of Katherine and I in front of our 2007 Kinetics craft.  Why a covered wagon?  Well, the rap song we sung at the parade explained it all.  Katherine sang the first part and I sang the second part.

    It started all out with my old man
    An old school player doing all he can
    Not much for progress, hard work was the key
    But he never even heard of Manifest Destiny

    But thing got ugly real quick one day
    When pa came home early from bailing hay
    He walked around the barn on the way to the can
    Just to see us playing a little “Jack and Diane”

    So he loaded up the wagon with a months supplies
    Not even time for some quick goodbyes
    It came to me as we walked across this land
    Kids, take it from me, parents just don’t understand

    So I was cruising down the prairie just me and my doll
    When along came an English man six feet tall
    With a long knit scarf and some curly hair
    He jumped into a box that wasn’t quite there

    I don’t have time to explain it all
    But come with me and you will have a ball
    I’ll take you to a place that’s fun and new
    Cause I’m the original Doctor Who

    So he brought us down to the here and now
    And before we knew it he was saying chow
    I’d love to stay and watch you complete the race
    But I have to bounce around through time and space

    So we plan to run the race in its entirety
    In our 1806 S.U.V.

  • In a recent radio address, President Bush promoted a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriages. Even though current Federal law defines marriage as a union between a man and a woman, the President said we must “counteract a few activist judges insisting on imposing their arbitrary will on the people– because we all know that’s MY job!”