Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University built a machine designed to demonstrate basic social skills. The robot, named Grace, is a 6-foot-tall drum shaped device which communicates through a digitally animated woman’s face. While the robot’s social abilities are minimal at best, the researcher’s modest goal is to have Grace appear at least as human as Martha Stewart.
Qantas Airlines recently announced John Travolta will be flying his completely restored Boeing 707 around the world as part of the airline’s thirteen city “Spirit of Friendship” tour. While Mr. Travolta expects to be at the controls for the majority of the 65,000 kilometer tour, security and safety concerns require Mr. Kotter keep the remaining sweat hogs out of trouble and away from the cockpit for the duration of the flight.
Xerox recently admitted to overstating revenue by 1.9 billion over the past 5 years. Attempts to destroy potentially damaging information proved unsuccessful when the copier, instead of mangling documents beyond recognition, produced clean and easy-to-read duplicates.
Xerox recently admitted to overstating revenue by 1.9 billion over the past 5 years. Attempts to destroy potentially damaging information proved unsuccessful when the copier, instead of mangling documents beyond recognition, produced clean and easy-to-read duplicates.
The Bush administration today announced a new tool to help fight the war on drugs. The “Say No To Drugs” slogan currently printed on urinal cake holders will soon be replaced with a voice recording of John Ashcroft yelling “say no to drugs RIGHT NOW, or DEA agents will be dispatched to this location. You have ten seconds to comply.”
With all the competing operating systems floating around in the world, it is quite amazing that any productive uses have ever been found for modern-day computers. Imagine, for no particular reason, Bill Gates and Steve Jobs in a seedy downtown bar fighting it out during amateur mud wrestling night. Sure, it can be fun to watch, but when the match is over and the beer is digested very little gets resolved. All that remains is a mildly disturbing image of two pasty white computer geeks cleaning mud from their various nooks and crannies. Despite this divergence in technology, one concept has focused the computer industry on a common goal. No, it’s not the “We Are the World” charity album (which came in a distant second), but the ever present concept of the Internet.
(Note to reader: Make wavy up and down motion with hands to indicate a flashback sequence.)
The birth of the Internet can be traced back to the mid 1960s. It was the middle of the cold war and everyone seemed to be worried about who was next on the Soviet’s invasion list. To make matters worse, they had become quite skilled at building nuclear weapons. And if the situation wasn’t bad enough, Gallagher started his first international fruit smashing comedy tour. With the exception of futuristic space battles and James Earl Jones portraying a large black man, this was clearly an “Empire Strikes Back” time for the United States of America.
Despite being 300 ton monstrosities, computer systems of this era were still quite vulnerable to inter-continental thermo-nuclear warheads. The military was taking extraordinary steps to protect their assets from this new threat. One high ranking government computer specialist went on record saying, “Over my dead body are those commies going to put funny little fur hats on our computers while they reprogram the software to display backwards letter Rs!”
One protective method was to tunnel deep inside granite mountains and place the computer hardware out of harms way in the event of a missile attack. While this approach seemed like a good idea on paper, it turned out the specific mountain they drilled into was also home to an established zoological garden. Filtering out the exotic animal dropping smells proved to be a non-trivial matter.
Since many of the computers in the nation were not located in the immediate vicinity of large granite mountain tops, a more practical solution was needed. While the idea of building portable mountain ranges was kicked around by the government, in the end they decided to connect their computers with really long wires. This allowed independent systems to communicate in the event of a nuclear war. Here is an example of typical electronic exchange of information:
Computer 1: Dude, what’s going on?
Computer 2: Not much—my operator is off watching that Gallagher guy.
Computer 1: How exciting. I don’t mean to be nosy, but has any of your hardware been damaged by a nuclear explosion?
Computer 2: Will you shut up already? You have been asking me that exact same question every 1.5 seconds for the past two years!
Computer 1: I’m sorry– that’s all I’ve been programmed to do.
Computer 2: Okay, fine. I’ve changed my mind. I’ve been completely annihilated by a surprise thermo-nuclear missile attack. What are you going to say now?
Computer 1: Umm… did it hurt?
(Note to reader: Imagine a series of wavy lines of varying frequencies in field of vision to return to the normal “now” time frame.)
Believe it or not, over the years this network of computers grew into the backbone of the modern day Internet. While technically functional, the average Joe on the street had no use for this technology. A few more pieces were needed to complete the puzzle. First of all, personal computers had to start multiplying faster than those evil muppets from the movie “Gremlins.” Finally, a ground-breaking new software program was needed for everyone with access to a phone line and the attention span and intelligence of an average third grader.
The company that first took up this challenge was named Netscape. Starting with little more than a few oversized mallets and a truckload full of produce, Gallagher built the company into an impressive giant by constructing an Internet browser. In an interview after the fact, Gallagher admitted to coming up with the idea after receiving a call from James Earl Jones. “I am your father, Gallagher. Now go and build up an enormous fortune so I can finance my empire of evil. And stop smashing all that fruit– it is wearing a bit thin.”
Once the power of the Internet was fully realized, everyone and their dog needed to have their own web site. In a few short years the Internet went from being completely empty to being chalk full of every imaginable type of web site. Personal, E-commerce, gambling, pornography, and undiscovered comedy writer web sites– the Internet has it all.
The once popular free music swapping service Napster declared bankruptcy this week. After hearing the news, officials at the Drug Enforcement Agency decided to indefinitely postpone their upcoming “Napster: The Gateway To Substance Abuse” television ad campaign.
Since Kristin and I have been dating for a few months now, I figure it’s only fair to feature her in the “How I Annoy People” section of my web site. In all honesty I don’t remember any significant “moments” that defined our relationship. There was that one time I stood in the driveway holding up a stereo playing romantic Peter Gabriel music in the middle of the night. Had I actually been at the correct address at the time I think Kristin would have been impressed with the gesture. And I’m not just saying that– it’s part of the official police report. I guess things got serious somewhere in between meeting Kristin and her friend for a movie and getting put on the “A list” for her recent moving party.
One of the constant sources of conflict in our relationship revolves around the television series, “Buffy the Vampire Slayer.” To say Kristin is obsessed with this show would be quite an understatement. She likes Buffy in much the same way I enjoy, say, breathing.
I wasn’t at all surprised when I realized Kristin created a “Sim” on her computer that revolved around some of the main Buffy characters. For anyone not familiar with the computer game “The Sims,” it allows the user to create character simulations who interact with each other based on various user input. The entire experience is quite similar to playing God, but with a convenient graphical interface.
In addition to Buffy, Kristin created characters for two male vampires named Spike and Angel. While Kristin was otherwise occupied, I decided to see what would happen when Spike and Angel met face to face. I expected some surreal bloody vampire battle, but it turned out the software did not understand the television-based nature of the simulation. Spike and Angel just stood around talking to each other. To make things more interesting, I had Spike flirt with and tickle Angel. Next I had Angel return the favor. Both characters seemed to enjoy the experience. When Kristin came back into the room I saved the game and closed the program on her computer.
Thanks to my intervention, Spike and Angel became, well, quite close. Kristin was very upset when her plans to build a relationship between Buffy and Spike were thwarted by my meddling. Spike and Angel spend the weekends antiquing while Buffy sits at home wondering why (quite literally) all the men in her world are gay. Even though I think of Kristin as a tolerant and understanding individual, it turns out she categorically draws the line at computer-generated vampire homo-eroticism.
In addition to Buffy, I firmly believe that as long as Kristin and I are both alive (and possibly longer) we are never going to agree on the topic of Rush Limbaugh. Now don’t get me wrong here– I quite admire the accomplishments of this man. Kristin, for some reason, sees him as a future political leader, where I think of Rush as a heavier-set republican version of Dennis Miller.
So while I would like to see Rush Limbaugh use his abilities to provide commentary for high-profile sporting events, Kristin is waiting for the day when she can vote him into political office. Kristin firmly believes we would all be better off if this man was running the country. These “spirited conversations” we have usually end up with Kristin giving me a cold stare when I concede the point that Rush has been married more than enough times to understand the Republican Party’s family values stance.
Kristin’s anal-retentive nature is always a source of entertainment for me. The easiest way I’ve found to annoy Kristin is to take one of her CDs and rotate it in the jewel case so the disc isn’t aligned correctly. I have determined that a clockwise rotation of eighty-seven degrees provides the maximum effectiveness to drive Kristin crazy. Of course after I rotate the disc, I hold it up to make sure Kristin can see what I’ve done. This is followed by about twenty seconds of Kristin pretending not to care. Finally she lunges for the CD and will not rest until the situation is resolved.
While I try to be considerate of Kristin’s needs, I find it almost impossible to resist sneaking into her kitchen and shuffling the packets of Kool-Aid. I started this little hobby after watching Kristin alphabetize them while unpacking the groceries. I’m not sure what difference it makes to have the Lemonade packet sitting in front of the Black Cherry packet, but Kristin doesn’t want to take the chance on the matter. I have no doubt in my mind that this severely annoys Kristin and I suspect it explains her fantasies involving the eight foot tall pitcher-shaped Kool-Aid man breaking through her kitchen wall and beating the crap out of me.
Despite all my deficiencies, Kristin still seems to enjoy my company. Even though I tend to annoy Kristin on a surprisingly regular basis, she still wants to spend time with me. All of this leads up to the $64,000 question: Who repairs all the structural damage when the Kool-Aid man comes over for a visit?
Anyone with an advanced degree in Electrical Engineering and decades of hands-on experience in the world of computer design knows that hardware alone is not enough to make a computer function. One theory on how computers work involves groups of small gnomes that run around inside the case using enchanted spells to obey the will of the users. Due to the largely unverifiable and mythical nature of this explanation, it is yet to gain widespread acceptance in the scientific community. A less controversial hypothesis revolves around the concept of a software based operating system.
The need for operating systems first arose when the manufacturers of complex electrical devices realized their products were just too easy to operate. Equipment such as small pocket calculators, Commodore 64s, and Teddy Ruxpin dolls came equipped with a straight forward and easy-to-operate on/off switch. Users turned the machines on, performed the needed operations, and turned them off. The inherent problem with this situation was, of course, that the computer industry only received money from the customer for the initial purchase. Something had to be done to fix this grievous error.
Eventually the computer industry developed the concept of an operating system. Instead of just “being on,” computers would now have to load a software program in order to function correctly. In addition to costing the consumer extra money, this software was constantly being updated. Known problems were fixed, new problems were introduced, and the money kept rolling in.
One of the most popular and commercially successful operating systems is known as Microsoft Windows. Many people claim that the basic “window” concept was stolen from the Apple Macintosh. Of course Apple stole it from Xerox, who conveniently took it from basic Roman architecture. (Incidently, the “arch” style of operating system, while more elegant and able to support massive loads, proved too difficult to implement.) When asked how they felt about the whole situation, the Romans just shrugged their shoulders and mumbled something about having received poor legal advise from their copyright lawyer.
Choosing an operating system is an important decision for anyone who uses a computer on a regular basis. While no system is perfect, the following three options have evolved over the years to meet the various needs of the computer operating public:
Macintosh Operating System: Most people don’t know that the Apple Computer Corporation started out as little more than a garage band. After several noise complaints and a few visits from the local police department, they decided to change the focus from music and become a garage computer company. After releasing the commercially successful “Apple” line of computers, the focus of the company shifted to a new graphic-based operating system. The project, originally code-named “Granny Smith,” was eventually released to the public as the Apple Macintosh.
The simple yet elegant look of the operating system refined over the years has created a fierce loyalty to the Apple product line. (The only notable exception to this rule was the “Newton” hand-held digital personal assistant.) People who use this operating system are usually scared of electronic pointing devices with more than one button and often times can be heard making comments such as, “I can’t use this computer—its beige!”
Linux Operating System: This is the operating system of choice for hard-core computer geeks who like to build their own computers from scratch and anyone who wants to stick it to “the man.” While a relative newcomer in the world of operating systems, Linux was modeled after mainframe Unix systems. Due to an unexplained error in the accounting department, the source code for Linux is available at no charge. Despite being the most stable of all the operating systems for personal computers, many people figure that when something is free it must really suck. People who use Linux generally hope it will eliminate, with extreme prejudice, the competing operating systems in the near future.
Windows Operating System: As another computer company born in a garage, Microsoft has built a vast empire based on the Windows operating system. This operating system has won over countless users with functionality such as the “unscheduled coffee break while the computer reboots” and informative error messages such as “an unknown error has occurred at location 57EE:009B.” Having the largest market share, most people use Windows simply because everyone else is—and everyone can’t be wrong.
What can we expect to see in future versions of operating systems? Apple has just released “Macintosh X” (not to be confused with the recently released Friday the 13th movie, “Jason X.”) Microsoft’s Windows XP includes functionality to collect user’s DNA during the installation process. Rumor has it that the next version will be able to read user’s most personal thoughts. Finally, if everything goes according to plan, Teddy Ruxpin 2.0 will be in stores in time for the Christmas shopping season.
I was planning on writing about the town of Divide, Colorado on my recent trip to eat dinner with Kristin and her mother, but that was before I discovered the size of the town. Located a bit west of Colorado Springs, Divide basically consists of a gas station, a stop light, and a two story mini-mall. Curious about why a town of this magnitude needs a stop light, I researched the matter at the Teller county library. It turns out the traffic control device was installed in the spring of 1921 as a way of getting people to stop and wander through the inevitably small selection at the local video store.
Most of the residents of Divide drive to the neighboring town of Woodland Park for their consumer needs. A few miles down the road from Divide, this town has its own unique character. The first thing I noticed driving through Woodland Park is the abundance of Conoco / Loaf ‘n Jug convenience stores. I counted a total of four on my way through town. I probably wouldn’t have even noticed except for the fact I drove by two of them that were separated by a small unrelated building. In addition to the many, many occupations I’ve claimed to have no knowledge of in the past, I now must add to the list by saying that I’m not a top level executive at Conoco (or Loaf ‘n Jug for that matter). I just can’t see the logic of placing two of the exact same stores twenty-four feet apart in a small mountain town. I can only theorize this strategy was implemented to cater to the following situation:
A man driving a late model minivan approaches the first Conoco. His wife and two kids are quietly taking in the mountain scenery.
Husband: Well, we have plenty of gas. Honey, do you want to stop for anything at this safe and hygienic Conoco / Loaf ‘n Jug establishment?
Wife: No thanks dear, I think we should just continue on our journey.
Husband: Bobby, Sally, are you two doing okay back there?
Kids: (In unison) Yes dad.
Husband: Great– I’m glad we can spend this quality time together.
And then, 0.0003 seconds later:
Bobby: Dad! Sally threw up on me.
Sally: Dad! I threw up on Bobby. And I have to pee. And I want some candy and soda.
Wife: Your kids need tending to, Jack. And why did you have to drive through that plague of locust? The windshield is a mess! And I need a cigarette. Make that a few.
Husband: Will everyone just SHUT UP for a second? I’m trying to think what to do here. We could turn around and go back to that last Conoco / Loaf ‘n Jug. (Looks at the dashboard) OH CRAP! We are dangerously low on fuel—- we don’t have enough gasoline for a U-turn. We are all going to die!
Wife: (Looks up the road) It is a miracle Jack! There is ANOTHER Conoco / Loaf ‘n Jug just past this building. We are saved!
Husband: Phew! When we get back home I’m going to find the Conoco executive who arranged these convenience stores and give him a big hug.
In addition to the convenience store curiosities, Woodland Park has it’s own unique history. For example, Kristin and I ate lunch at Quiznos. After we ordered our food and sat down to eat, she explained to me how this store front used to be occupied by the Christian Science Reading Room. Kristin just rolled her eyes at my suggestion to combine the two and name it “Sandwiches Good Enough For Jehovah.”
Despite being a quiet mountain town, Woodland Park has an impressive police presence. The ratio of law enforcement officers to civilians is similar to that of a Siberian prison colony. On our way back to Divide, we had the honor of receiving a police escort through town. Things got even more interesting when Kristin threw a cigarette butt out the window. We got pulled over and the officer started off the conversation by saying, “I’m pulling you over because you tossed a lit object from your car. Did you know that is illegal?” He then went on to explain the forest fire danger in the area. While I wanted to discuss the long term dangers of artificial fire suppression, I had a feeling this would not be the optimal time for such a debate.
Kristin, who has no love for the police, didn’t seem to enjoy the conversation very much. To help remember that night, Kristin was given an authentic document from the Teller county police department which gave her two options. She can either pay the thirty-eight dollar fine or be hunted down by attack dogs and officers wearing full riot gear in an ATF training exercise.
After all that, we managed to get back just in time for dinner– which I must say was quite lovely.
Despite my recent move to Loveland, Colorado, last weekend I drove down to Boulder for my favorite annual event in town. And, no, I am not talking about the release of new slanderous allegations revolving around the JonBenet Ramsey murder investigation. It would not be May in Boulder, Colorado without thousands of people converging on the reservoir for the yearly rite of passage known as Kinetics.
For those not familiar with the event, it involves me spending several hours in the sun looking at women prancing around in skimpy bikinis. Oh yeah, and there is also some sort of race.
While I try not to sound like a broken record, I have to readdress a serious concern about the Kinetics race. For the second year in a row I saw not a single article of women’s clothing constructed from fruit. Despite my detailed explanation of how to construct a watermelon bra on my web site last year, no one seems to have taken on the challenge of reviving this noble tradition. While I do not claim to be an expert in this matter, this could be taken as a sign that the end of the world is near.
Despite the watermelon bra drought, there was a flurry of activity the whole day which kept my eyes stimulated. Usually I get nervous when men I don’t know approach me wearing nothing but shiny boots, a blonde wig, and a tight gold thong which leaves very little to the imagination. (When it is someone I know I get down right uncomfortable.) At the Kinetics race, however, it just means that he is part of the “Rocky Horror Picture Show” craft. Or at least I hope that is the case.
After checking out the rest of the Kinetic vehicles, Kristin and I sat down on the beach to watch the rest of the day’s entertainment as they walked around, applied suntan lotion to each other, and whipped their hair around in slow motion. Adding to the excitement of the event were several oversized beach balls that were constantly bouncing around in the more densely populated areas of the beach. The center of each inflatable sphere contained a small computer processor which coordinated data from real time global positioning satellites and miniature self-contained digital cameras. This information was processed in real time to develop trajectories that maximized smacking inattentive beer drinking people in the back of the head while they were starting the process of digesting their cool, tasty beverage.
I’ve never really thought of myself as a pillar of society, but as we were enjoying the afternoon, some of the people around us asked if we could watch their stuff for a while. Not that I’m against it, but the whole concept of asking someone you don’t know to guard belongings seems kind of odd. It bothers me for several reasons. First of all there is the possibility the person you ask is really some freaky kleptomaniac who has been mentally drooling over the half empty bottle of sun block and cut-off jeans—just waiting for the right moment to club you over the head before he steals your possessions. (I suppose the upside in this situation is that you are less likely to get clubbed in the head.)
The other problem is that you are announcing to the entire area that you are going to be away from your belongings for a fair amount of time with only a total stranger keeping an eye on the situation. Anyone can just walk up and take stuff under the pretense of, “Oh, they asked me to come get their stuff.” And unless the dealings with the original stranger involved a hologram of authenticity of some sort, you have no way of knowing who is telling the truth and who has a sick fetish for other people’s cut-off jeans.
Given that most people at the Kinetics race didn’t come to the event with the intention of theft, neither of these situations arose. However, a half an hour after we agreed to watch over our neighbors’ belongings, we wanted to leave. While I didn’t want any specific harm to come to the belongings, I had to accept the possibility they would never be coming back. Perhaps they walked over to the beer tent and became yet another victim of the “inflatable beach ball of death” on their way back. In the end we did decide to take off and leave their stuff unattended, but as we were leaving I made an announcement to the general area. “We are leaving now, so feel free to pillage and plunder these here belongings!”
Now that I’ve lived in Loveland for a month, I feel a much stronger connection with the town. To be honest, when I first moved in, I knew little more than the two main streets in the area. Depending on my starting point, finding my way back home was at times quite a challenge. Thanks to my technique of randomly driving around town for little or no specific reason I have identified many, if not all, of the points of interest Loveland, Colorado has to offer.
One of the first things I did after moving in was to locate the nearest Walmart. Fortunately for me, it was only a few blocks away from the house. I drove over and stocked up on soda and other random items that seem to find their way into my shopping basket whenever I enter the store. Unfortunately for me, I drove to the exact same location a week later only to find it was gone. Well, the building didn’t go anywhere, but the essence of the company was nowhere to be found. After a few minutes of playing Columbo, I discovered a large note on the door, explaining that a new store had opened up on the other side of town.
But this wasn’t just any Walmart—- the new building housed a “Super” Walmart. Which means it is basically a traditional Walmart with a complete grocery store stuck on the side. And it stays open all the time. Given my well-documented erratic sleeping habits, this schedule was quite a welcomed change. To test things out, I drove over at midnight to examine the new structure. It literally has tons of stuff. I can’t say offhand exactly how many tons, but everywhere I looked I just saw more stuff. Having just moved all my stuff from Boulder, I was not really in the mood to acquire more stuff. But I did feel the need to buy something, just to be courteous to the Walmart establishment.
In order to make everyone happy, I bought a ninety-seven cent bottle of hair gel. While I’m still not sure if my hair needs the “ultra hold” or “maximum goo” style, the bottle I purchased does seem to be functioning within the expected parameters. And now I have one more item to add to my “ways to entertain myself at two in the morning” list. (Going to Walmart that is, not contemplating my hair gel needs.)
Now that Scott and I have cleared out all the unwanted vegetation from the yard, I have taken on the responsibility of mowing the lawn. For one thing, I haven’t had a lawn to mow since I was in high school. Secondly, the area covered by the lawn is so small it is not a big deal to fire up the lawn mower once a week. The lawn mower is one that mulches the grass instead of collecting it in a bag. In addition to being environmentally better for the planet, it keeps me in a much better mood since I don’t have to spend time hauling bags of dead grass all over the place.
One of my favorite aspects of living in Colorado are the two seasons. Winter and summer both make their presence felt throughout the year—- but not in any particular order. Sure, in December it is more likely to be winter and in June, odds favor the summer. I was mowing the lawn a few days ago when the sun was shining and all the other meteorological signs pointed to summer. By the time I had finished, the situation had completely reversed and it was quite clear that winter was stopping by for a visit. A few hours later it started snowing. If I had postponed mowing the lawn I might have had to shovel snow off it first. Fortunately, winter didn’t want to stay very long and things were back to summer status the next day.
After holding a brief funeral service to honor the premature demise of the raspberry bushes, Scott and I planted some new seeds in the garden. It turns out that world of genetic engineering hasn’t advanced to the point of being able to produce “seven-layer burrito” seeds. Given that limitation, I went back to the Super Walmart (which hadn’t been moved since my last visit to buy the hair gel) and bought various packages of seeds. According to the instructions, if planted correctly, the seeds will grow into various forms of vegetables. My specialty seems to be more in the area of killing vegetation, so I’m sure an attempt to grow a useful garden will be quite an adventure. (NOTE TO SELF: don’t run over the garden with the lawn mower.) But at least now I know where I can buy gardening equipment in the middle of the night.