Officials at San Francisco’s Bay Area Rapid Transport admitted to shutting down cell phone service to disrupt a planned protest in the vicinity. While reaction to the news was mixed during the blackout, one man went on record saying, “I think this is a perfectly acceptable course of action given the need for public safety. We don’t need a bunch of troublemakers down here…. aaaarrrrggghhh… I’m having a heart attack… call 911! What do you mean you aren’t getting a signal?”
Former President Bill Clinton said the United States could save more than $1 trillion a year by adopting any other advanced nation’s healthcare system. “That has to be one of the biggest lies that man has ever told to the American public” replied the group of people who get paid an extra trillion dollars a year.
Several members of the Republican party, including Karl Rove and Sarah Palin, have openly criticized President Barack Obama for inviting the rap star Common to read a short poem at a recent White House Poetry event. “We don’t want this to come off as racists old school thinking,” the Republicans explained in a press release, “but letting a colored man into the White House to talk about things like hope and freedom just doesn’t sit well with our more established voting base.”
Announcer: Welcome to the premiere of Traveling Iron Chef. While Chiarman Kaga Takeshi’s “Kitchen Stadium” vision remains a fixture of Japanese culture, he recently gave a direct order to his younger brother, Lou. Instead of bumming around Kaga’s apartment watching television all day, Lou has been instructed to travel to the ends of the earth in an effort to discover more Iron Chefs. Moving through the countryside with an army of helpers and a scaled down “moderately equipped kitchen tent,” Lou searches for an answer to the eternal question, “Whose cuisine will reign supreme?”
Lou: We have traveled many moons from our homeland, and today we are broadcasting from the European country of Holland. Two local culinary artists will go in, but only one will come out with the title, “Iron Chef Amsterdam!” And now, the moment you have all been waiting for… today’s secret ingredient is… MARIJUANA!
Announcer: The marijuana plant, also known as hemp, cannabis, pot, grass, or weed, is one of the most rugged forms of flora known to mankind. Able to grow in almost any climate, marijuana has become a plant of choice for “amateur horticulturists” around the world. The non-flowering section can be used to produce cloth that is both durable and environmentally friendly. While using the bud of the plant as a cooking ingredient is not commonplace, a movement that can almost be described at underground has evolved to help promote marijuana consumption. Despite all this, the plant in question remains illegal in many parts of the world—due in large part to intensive tobacco company lobbying efforts.
Lou: To help judge the creations of our two Iron Chef candidates, we have three well-known members of Japanese society: Sumi, a young female actress from a popular soap opera, Typo, a fifty-five year old journalist, and Shooki, a new age psychic. They will be evaluating two highly respected Dutch chefs, Willhelm and Hansel. Chefs– you have one hour, starting now!
Sumi: I am very excited to be here. Hee hee hee.
Announcer: It appears that Chef Willhelm is preparing thinly-sliced duck breast for his first entrée.
Typo: I am an old, old man. And I am very good at complaining about things. This is why I am on the show so often.
Announcer: Well, this is quite amazing! Chef Willhelm is lighting a large pile of the marijuana on fire in order to SMOKE the duck breast. He is instructing one of the assistants to keep the smoke going at a constant rate. Chef Hansel is preparing chocolate and sugar. I think he is going to make some sort of a dessert.
Sumi: The tent is filling up with smoke. I kind of like it… I feel all tickly. Hee hee hee.
Shooki: Yes, I feel as though the spirits of 1000 dead relatives are inside my body dancing around and having a party.
Announcer: I’m not sure what the chefs are doing, but they are being very deliberate about their actions now. Perhaps they are contemplating their next dish. Someone had better tell them they only have one hour to complete the competition!
Typo: I find this smoke to be highly irregular. The secret ingredient should be in our tummies, and not in our lungs– very unusual. Am I talking too much? I feel as though the words are coming out of my mouth with much less effort than usual.
Shooki: I never found old, whiney Japanese men attractive until just now. Typo, can I touch your hand for a moment?
Typo: I am flattered, Shooki, but I must inform you that I called the front desk and had some hookers come up to my hotel room to pleasure me before the show. Did you know they can just add it to your room service bill? Are these thoughts in my head, or are they escaping out of my mouth?
Announcer: After spending the past five minutes staring at the top of the tent and smiling, chef Willhelm has sprung into action. He is getting something out of his pocket. It appears to be a cellular phone. Who could he be calling?
Shooki: I believe he is trying to get in touch with one of his deceased parents.
Typo: You are being foolish, Shooki. You can’t call dead people on a telephone. Where would the phone company send the bill?
Announcer: We have gotten more details from the cooking area. It appears Willhelm has called for pizza to be delivered to the tent. Extra pepperoni and bread sticks are the order. But will it get here fast enough? In the mean time, Hansel has finished baking brownies, and, if I’m not mistaken, just broke open a box of Hagelslag, or literally “chocolate hail.” This Dutch delicacy is generally used as a bread topping instead of cheese or jam.
Sumi: Chocolate hail? Is the tent going to hold up okay? Hee hee hee… snort! Snort! SNORT!
Announcer: Chef Hansel has just filled his mouth with Hagelslag. Now he is laughing uncontrollably and it appears the tiny pieces of chocolate are coming out his nose.
Lou: Competitors, your time is up!
Announcer: It has been quite an unsual hour. Chef Willhelm, please explain your dishes.
Chef Willhelm: I was planning on making a smoked duck dish, but my assistant got too high from the marijuana smoke and fell asleep under the table. So, as a backup plan, I had pizza delivered. Unless the delivery guy screwed up, it should be pepperoni. Unfortunately, I ate the bread sticks during the commercial.
Typo: I like the taste of the pizza, but if I am not mistaken, there is no direct connection with the special ingredient. Also, it feels as though the food getting larger in my mouth the more I chew it. Is that happening to anyone else?
Shooki: I see dead people! Get it? I’m being funny. It’s from that movie a few years ago– the one with the little kid.
Announcer: And now, Chef Hansel, tell us what you have done here.
Chef Hansel: Well, I don’t know about everyone else, but I got really stoned when what’s-his-name lit that big pile of pot on fire. But I’m used to it, so I made my favorite pot brownies. Oh yeah, and I’m sorry about the Hagelslag coming out my nose… it just seemed like a good idea at the time.
Typo: I think this dish truly enhances the flavor of the marijuana. Please do not be insulted that I didn’t try any of it– I’m saving it for the hookers in my hotel room.
Shooki: Can I go with you? I’ve never seen hookers before. How much do they cost?
Typo: It depends on what you want. You can ask them when we get back to the hotel.
Sumi: You are cute, so I’m going to give you a lot of points. Hee hee hee.
Announcer: The competition is complete. Who is going to be Iron Chef Amsterdam?
Lou: Sumi awarded Chef Hansel twenty points. Typo and Shooki seemed to have left without turning in their scorecards. So I guess the winner is… Iron Chef Hansel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, now hand me one of those brownies. And does anyone here have any Pink Floyd? I could really go for some Dark Side of the Moon right about now…
I had to explain some car stuff to my wife today. The difference between “four wheel drive” and “all wheel drive” is as follows: In a four wheel drive car the power from the engine is transferred to each wheel to improve traction and handling. All wheel drive does much the same thing, but the spare tire also spins when the vehicle is in motion.
After becoming bored beating almost all of the humans on the planet at the game show Jeopardy, the supercomputer known as Watson will start entertaining himself by creating a billion fake tweets every day. Twitter followers, after discovering the situation, by in large decide the fake tweets are more interesting than the real ones and Watson quickly ends up with more followers than Charlie Sheen.
Republicans in Congress are attempting to eliminate funding for a federal program which provides low income women basic reproductive services such as low-cost cervical and breast cancer screening. “Hey, maybe these guys aren’t so bad after all.” commented the Taliban.
Recently unemployed actor Charlie Sheen announced plans for a stand-up tour in Chicago and Detroit. “Tickets will be free,” explains Sheen, “But before the show we will pass around collection plates. Once I get at least two million dollars, then I’ll start the show.”
“So I asked my girlfriend how she would rate me in bed, and she said I was average. What a let down.”
“But aren’t you the only one she has ever slept with?”
“What’s your point?”
When asked about his potential Presidential campaign in 2012, Newt Gingrich replied, “This type of campaign requires a tremendous amount of planning. For example, I have barely even begun to consider who will be my wife this time around.”
I was looking through the web statistics for newfunny.com, and was somewhat surprised about what words lead people to this site. Here are the top 10 phrases according to godaddy.com where I host the site:
porno, porn movie, rush limbaugh wedding, www.newfunny.com, holmes on homes, british petroleum, bp, south park porn, orgazmo, silly christmas letters.
Next I went to wordpress to see what it thought were the most popular search phrases. It agreed with godaddy.com in spirit, but also came up with:
playstation 4, dukes of hazzard, lord of the rings, UPS
So now I’m thinking– do I need to write in such a way to include more popular keywords? I made one casual reference to an “R” rated comedy about making a pornographic movie and it accounts for a lot of the traffic to my site.
Welcome to my first keyword centric blog entry:
Joss Weaton, creator of cult favorite “Firefly” and “Serenity”, and Nathan Fillion are sitting in a restaurant eating breakfast and filling out paperwork.
Nathan is concentrating on a paper, and finally looks up and asks Joss, “Does 17 feel lucky?”
Joss replies, “Stop asking me about the lottery numbers. I know that you said you wanted to win the lottery and buy the rights to Firefly, but I think we should focus on new ideas instead of living in the past.”
“You are right, Joss. So what type of show should we create? How about a porno? You haven’t made one of those yet?
“I don’t know if I am up for making a porn flick. The lesbian plot line with Willow and Tara in Buffy was as far as I’ve ever gone down that road.”
Nathan thought about it for a minute and replied, “How about we make a funny porno movie? It could be centered around some unlikely celebrity, like, say, Rush Limbaugh. The main character could have an unexplained obsession with Rush Limbaugh’s wedding pictures. It could be a pornographic version of Saving Silverman. Or a political version of Orgazmo. Who wouldn’t want to see that?”
“I think you might have something there.” Joss replied. “But securing the rights could prove difficult. We would work for years and not see it in theaters until after the Lord of the Rings prequel movies get finished. If every other prequel movie is any indication, the Hobbit movies are going to be way better than the related movies.”
“How about we work in some video game tie-ins?” Nathan asked. “If we started now we could get a game released on the Playstation 4, Xbox 720, and Wii 2.”
“Way to think ahead, but I’m not sure how many people really want to see that man naked. How about a Dukes of Hazzard porn flick? That could be really funny.”
Nathan looks at his watch. “Well, Joss, I love having these breakfast brainstorming sessions with you, but I have to go film another episode of Castle. And I need to get some gas on the way over.”
“Have fun on set. I think there is a British Petroleum station around the corner.”
“Wasn’t BP in the news lately?” Nathan asked.
“Yeah, something about some minor rule violations. Some people got all bent out of shape over it.” Joss answered.
Nathan turned back as he walked out the door. “Don’t forget to call when Doctor Horrible’s Sing Along 2 is ready to shoot.”
After giving it a bit of thought, I’ve decided on some possible goals for the next 10 years. At the moment I’ve got two somewhat different directions:
Create a trumpet, baritone, and tuba playing and singing street performance troupe. I used to play the baritone in high school marching band, so I just need a trumpet and tuba player. Also, I don’t know anything about how to arrange or write music, so at least one of the team members will need experience in this area. (and FYI for anyone interested– I don’t know many keys, if I see too many sharp signs I get dizzy.)
I plan on starting the routine with a new take on “dueling banjos” and move on through various popular music references. One example would be to play “Cecilia” and then have a more accurate version revealing she was actually a call girl for Art Garfunkel. Okay, so what rhymes with “prostitute”?
The second plan is to run for the House of Representative’s Fourth District in Colorado. I think I would do quite well as a UPS driver who delivers packages over a large area in the district. I mean, really, who doesn’t have a good opinion of their local UPS driver? I plan on running a grass roots campaign that will include appearing in part one of an unknown number of Stephen Colbert’s new segment, “Better Know a Long Shot Challenger for Congress”. The highlight of the segment will be me riding my kinetics craft up and down the street in a dignified manner.
I haven’t completely defined my policy goals, but some of the ideas that have come to mind include standardizing tupperware lids, a la carte cable and satellite options, and switching to daylight savings time all year round. That last one is something that most people don’t care about with the exception of UPS drivers and golf course owners.
So stay tuned. I’m open to suggestions in both areas, and I have a lot of time to plan this out. I don’t want to rush things.