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  • We rented “Zach and Miri Make a Porno” from Netflix this weekend.  The premise is quite simple– long time friends and roommates Zach and Miri are broke, and decide to remedy the situation by filming a porno flick.  Of course nothing really goes as planned, and things get weird between the two friends when the idea of having sex with each other and a bunch of strangers comes into play.

    Overall I enjoyed the movie.  Seth Rogen who plays the main character Zach, does a great job being the slightly irresponsible but good intentioned roommate.  Elizabeth Banks play Miri, who kind of seems too sexy to have been living with Zach for the past decade.  These main characters get developed well through witty dialogue.  My biggest problem was that you could see where the plot was going every second of the film–  no major surprises.  Zach and Miri attend their high school reunion and meet a moderately successful gay porn star.  Brandon St. Randy mixes Keanu Reeves good looks, Clint Eastwood’s scratchy voice, and a dash of old fashioned compassion in perfect proportion to create his almost-but-not-quite over-the-top performance.  I kept waiting for him to appear later on in the movie, but was sorely disappointed.  Oh, I guess I should have put “spoiler alert” before that last sentence.

    I don’t know exactly how this type of compensation works, but someone should be paying Jason Mewes because they really just stole the his character of Jay from several movies (Clerks, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Clerks 2, and so on) with the Lester character.  He looked and sounded just like Jay, which really bothered me since all of the other characters seemed so original.

    My favorite line of the movie was Zach telling Miri, “I don’t mean to alarm you… but I think I just jerked off Lester a little bit.”

    See this movie if: you are a Seth Rogen fan and enjoy porn satire.

    Don’t see this movie if: you are on a first date, want to watch a real porn movie, or want to be surprised by exciting plot twists.

    And, while I’m thinking about comedy pornography, I think the best movie to see in this genre is “Orgazmo.”  Written by South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone, Orgazmo details the transformation of Joe Young from a Jahova’s witness on his first mission to taking down an organized crime ring.  A variety of jokes about Utah (Joe Young, “I’m not a superhero! I’m a Latter-Day Saint.”),  fake boobs (“My doctor says now I have enough silicone in my body to kill a small elephant! Isn’t that cool?”), and even a surprisingly insightful debate by the porn stars about who gets degraded by pornography.

    The movie might have seen a wider audience if it hadn’t gotten an “NC-17” rating.  I don’t think it is any more or less graphic as “Zach and Miri,” which received and “R” rating.  I suspect the people who rate movies just don’t like Matt Stone and Trey Parker.  I’ve read that “Team America” and “South Park: The Movie” both orginally received NC-17 ratings.  Which is interesting since one was made completely out of puppets and the other one was a cartoon.

    So if you are only going to see one funny pornographic movie this summer, watch Orgazmo.  If you are going to see more than one, also check out “Zach and Miri Make a Porno.”

  • I wrote a ranting lunatic type letter to Dish Network the other day just to make myself feel better. Basically I want to be able to make playlists of DVR television shows for my future children to watch based on their age. Then I want everyone to be able to share their playlists with the world through the Internet. Anyone, even Oprah, could make suggestions about programming to watch based on date of birth. From this I can see which shows are popular with parents whose children are the same age. Oh yeah, and when my kid turns on the TV, they have to enter their own password so they can only watch shows on their own playlist. I’ll switch over to which ever company can effectively set this up. So Dish, Echostar, Cable guys, and Tivo– get working on this ASAP– my first girl is due in December!

  • I put off talking about this topic because there seemed to be so much wedding stuff to blog about, but here is the official news:  Katherine is pregnant and due to deliver in mid December.  Here is our first ultrasound, taken May 6, 2009.   I was going to scan this into my computer, but it was already quite blurry so I just used my cell phone camera.

    I have no idea what is in the picture, but Katherine explained to me that the big dark blob is her womanly parts, the small gray blob inside that is the baby, and the pink object on the right is my thumb.  At the time the ultrasound was taken it was roughly the size of a gummy bear, which is what led us to the nickname “Walter.”

    No word yet on the gender.  Everyone seems to have an opinion this topic, but I’ll just be happy if it comes out one or the other and not both.  We should have more information on the boy/girl issue after our August appointment.  We may even get a three dimensional ultrasound even though it is more expensive than the regular two dimensional version.  Most of the extra cost involves hiring an artist to be present in the exam room during the procedure to create a clay model based on a compilation of various two dimensional views.  Once the model is air dried it gets fired in a kiln after which time we can apply color glazes as we see fit.  It will look great on the mantle above the fireplace.

    So until next time– happy gestating Katherine!

  • Here are the exact directions (meaning I’m not making any of this up) to 4580 County Road 68, Wellington, Colorado:

    Go north on I-25 and get off at the Wellington exit.  Head north on the east side frontage road until you see a sign for CR68.  There is only one house on the road and it is in no way labeled.  Don’t worry– that isn’t the house you are looking for, but it does happen to belong to the guy’s brother.  He will vaguely point you towards three dirt roads in various states of disrepair.  Keep driving until you see another man driving around a front end loader for no particular reason.  He will explain how to get to the small workshop and instruct you to leave the package in the old refrigerator in the back– either compartment is fine.

  • Here are the exact directions (meaning I’m not making any of this up) to 4580 County Road 68, Wellington, Colorado:

    Go north on I-25 and get off at the Wellington exit.  Head north on the east side frontage road until you see a sign for CR68.  There is only one house on the road and it is in no way labeled.  Don’t worry– that isn’t the house you are looking for, but it does happen to belong to the guy’s brother.  He will vaguely point you towards three dirt roads in various states of disrepair.  Keep driving until you see another man driving around a front end loader for no particular reason.  He will explain how to get to the small workshop and instruct you to leave the package in the old refrigerator in the back– either compartment is fine.

  • I watch quite a few home remodeling shows on television.  The premise this idea is to find homeowners who are on the fence about moving to a new home in the same general area.  A team of experts come in and talk to the homeowner about what issues they have with their current home.  From this they develop a plan to spend X dollars to fix up the house in an attempt to convince the homeowner to stay put.  The conclusion of each show would be the homeowner giving their final decision.  And, hopefully, HGTV could get the rights to “Should I Stay of Should I Go” from the Clash for before and after commercial breaks.

  • Dear Dish Network,

    As one of your faithful customers for the past five years, I thought I would take a few minutes and tell you how to run your business. I do watch a moderate amount of television, and therefore I feel qualified to give advice to a multi-billion dollar high-tech communications company.

    First of all, you need to slowly move to an “a la carte” business model.  I would love to purchase the History International channel, but it is only available with a package that is two tiers above where I am at right now (which is an extra $30 a month).  It isn’t fair to me or the channels that I would really like to support financially.  And those 7 ESPN channels– well you can keep those.  I don’t have anything against sports programming, but I never watch them.  Same goes for all of the Spanish Channels.  No hablo Español.  Please credit my account.  I just want to be able to choose the channels I want and not be forced to pay for channels I never use.  Is that asking too much?  To start the conversion, you need to start rewarding quality programming by offering bonuses for the most recorded and viewed programming.  Eventually allow customers to customize exactly which channels they want.

    As a side note on the “a la carte” issue, you should have a dedicated channel that gives previews of other channels for a week at a time.  Every now and then I hear about a “free Cinemax” weekend, but I forget to go into the channel selection, add Cinemax, and see if there is anything I want to watch.  If there was a channel that offered a week of FX, and then a week of HBO, and so on, I would keep it on my list of channels and be more likely to preview these channels.  A new channel to try out every week of the year!

    I’ve got a kiddo on the way, and I would really like to see a better way to control what they watch.  How about letting customers set up “playlists” online that everyone can see and add to their DVRs?  Customers could then pick specific programs for their children, or supplement their choices for other people’s playlists that highlight age appropriate programming.  Netflix has a somewhat similar system for sharing information.  When the DVR is turned on a password would be required to see different playlists or live programming.  I know, it sounds complicated, but you guys can do it.  You got all those satellites into space– that couldn’t have been easy.  And remember– if you don’t do it someone else will on the Internet and bypass your network all together.

    Let’s see– what else has been bugging my lately?  Oh yeah– I love my DVR and being able to record shows, but why not make it easier by taking note of what shows are being watched, and then just automatically start recording them in the future?  Kind of what Tivo has done with their recommendations, but this would be recording the shows that are otherwise getting watched on live tv.

    Finally, can you make an option for listing channels sorted by popularity?  I watch about 5 channels 90% of the time– it would be nice to see all those on the top of the list followed by the less frequented channels.  You shouldn’t have too much trouble with that request.

    That’s it– so if you end up using my ideas feel free to compensate me with a gift fruit basket, a singing telegram, or, if you can’t think of anything else– free cable is always an option!

  • Most electronic devices that use a remote control are constantly wasting energy “listening” for signals from the remote control, even when they are turned off.  The problem is magnified with home entertainment centers which use multiple devices, all of which are accessible with a remote control.  I’ve applied for a patent for a remote control holster which physically disconnects power to an entertainment system when not in use.  Picking up the remote restores power to the system.  Another variation on this concept is to incorporate a holster into portable electronics devices, such as iPod speakers, such that if the remote is in the holster the device will stop listening for signals from the remote.  I’m currently waiting for the patent to be approved, but more information on this idea can be found on my website at BlackRemote.com.

  • What are these numbers– winning lottery numbers?  The numbers printed on the mysterious hatch on the television show “Lost”?  The combination to my luggage?

    No, these were the table numbers at our wedding.  Instead of starting at 1 and ending at 8, we decided to make  our table numbers have multiple purposes.  In addition to telling people where to sit, each number represented an important milestone in our lives– measured in days.

    Anyone who has been to a wedding with a buffet knows that you can’t just let everyone get up and start filling their plates all at once.  So I went around to tables and asked them what their table number meant.  It got a lot easier once the first table figured out to answer in the form of, “number of days since…”

    Here are the answers:

    12862:  Number of days since Omar was born.

    11561:  Number of days since Katherine was born.

    67:  Number of days we were officially married

    2465:  Number of days Omar worked at UPS, or number of injury free days for Omar at UPS

    762:  Number of days since we adopted our dog Maury.

    -178:  Number of days until the baby is due.  (This got quite a few people’s attention.  Not everyone knew she is pregnant, so we figured this was as good of time as any to announce to everyone.)

    938:  Number of days of safe driving for Omar at UPS.

    1292:  Number of days since we met.

    Some people were very fustrated by their numbers.  My UPS supervisor ended up having a bit of trouble getting the number of days of safe driving number, but it was a lot of fun to make fun of him with a microphone in a room full of people, many of whom were fellow UPS drivers.  His table ended up going to the buffet last, after giving him several big hints.

    So when all was said and done, it was a fun activity to keep people occupied during the buffet down time.

  • For everyone just catching up on my life, a few weeks ago I married my long time partner in crime, Katherine.  So in any future posts here on my website I will, at one time or another, refer to Katherine, Kat (though not Kathy, she hates that–I think it has something to do with the cartoon strip), my wife, my baby mama (more on that as it develops, but the short version is: yes, yes, December 15, 2009), and finally the one person in the house who knows where things are located.

    In our consistent approach of reaching our relationship milestones in the complete wrong order, we decided to go on our honeymoon a few weeks before the actual wedding.  We decided, for no exact reason, to spend a week in New York City.  Our flight from Denver to LaGuardia was uneventful.  Katherine gave me the Dan Brown’s novel “Angels and Demons” to read during the flight.  I quickly started thinking the book would make a great season of “24” if Tom Hanks hadn’t starred in the big screen version that came out last week.  And, let’s be honest here, the script just doesn’t have enough gratuitous torture sequences to show off the talents of Kiefer Sutherland.

    After a relatively short cab ride to our hotel, we got our luggage put away and started randomly walking around the city.  Central Park to the north, and Times Square to the south– we had plenty of areas to explore.  My first impression of Times Square:  this is not the bisexual prostitute cowboy part of town I saw in that John Voight film.  (Who, coincidentally, was also in the most recent season of “24”, but I digress.)  I didn’t even see that naked cowboy.  No, Times Square is a busy mix of automobile traffic and pedestrians who stop in the middle of the sidewalk because they need to get a half dozen pictures of the 37 foot neon “Mr Peanut” on the corner of 45th and Broadway.

    As we visited different parts of Manhattan, we noticed everyone has formed an alliance. Times Square, Chinatown, Midtown, and of course the magicians have all resorted to aligning themselves– presumably against one another, or at least against the magicians, who always seem to have some kind of trick up their sleeve.  Keeping a fragile peace over the island is the Ray’s Pizza Alliance with has locations literally on every block of the city.

    Whenever I would see a scene from a movie or television show involving Central Park I always thought it looked like a back lot somewhere in southern California.  But I can now personally attest that, yes, that is what Central Park looks like.  The rest of the island has been stripped of all natural vegetation, but one rectangular area in the middle was spared.  I think of it as an island with a mowhawk.  A pamphlet about the park when on and on about the beauty of Central Park.  Maybe the island would look better if they just built the city where Central Park is and left everything else how it was when they got there.  Somehow I think it is a bit too late for that.

    For no particular reason, I wanted to go see Coney Island.  We took the N train all the way south and walked a block to the boardwalk.  The weather was warm, the sun was shining, and Coney Island was closing up for the night.  We arrived at 6:05 PM five days before the unofficial start to summer, Memorial Day, and the place was a ghost town.  We got there just in time for the restrooms “convenience hours” to have expired.  Nothing promotes tourism more than locking the bathrooms when people might be interested in using them.  We headed back to the subway, and we saw an ad on the side of a bus for Coney Island that read, “Coney Island: Really Fun, Really Open.”  And no, I’m not making that up.  We stopped in the bathroom at the subway station before getting back on the train.  Not the best facilities I’ve been in, but I wouldn’t call it a shithole.  Katherine, however, did use that exact description for the ladies room.

    So that wraps up the highlights of our trip.  I finished the book on the flight home and we made our way back home to Loveland.  Now I’ll be busy getting everything ready for my wedding in a few weeks.

  • I started watching “Dancing with the Stars” with the intention of learning a few good dance moves for my upcoming wedding.  After about 20 seconds of watching the show I came to the conclusion that either A) the entire show is completely computer generated, or B) Dancing cybernetic robots are scheming to take over the planet. (SPOILER ALERT:  In the soon to be released “Terminator Salvation” the machines hypnotize people with their smooth steps and jazz hands– humanity never saw it coming.)

    After watching the first episode I came to the following conclusion:  Shawn Johnson, the 17 year old Olympic gold medal gymnast, was going to win this season.  At first I didn’t believe she won a gold medal in gymnastics due to her regular womanly proportions.  I had always thought the rule for these young women is that their breasts must be smaller than the top of their pelvic bone jutting out of her abdomen when they stand up straight.

    I felt a bit empty after watching the finale.  I think they should have one last show where Shawn Johnson and Gilles Marrini compete together against their coaches to see if it is possible for the students to surpass the teachers.  Steve-O and Steve Wozniac will dance together for comic relief.  The rest of the contestants with be the judges, the judges with attempt to play musical instruments, and the hosts will do their best to operate the cameras.

    Most importantly, none of the dancers get to talk about how much fun they had just being here and the directors will be forced (at gunpoint if necessary) not to use previous footage to fill up 63% of the show’s air time.

  • I started watching “Dancing with the Stars” with the intention of learning a few good dance moves for my upcoming wedding.  After about 20 seconds of watching the show I came to the conclusion that either A) the entire show is completely computer generated, or B) Dancing cybernetic robots are scheming to take over the planet. (SPOILER ALERT:  In the soon to be released “Terminator Salvation” the machines hypnotize people with their smooth steps and jazz hands– humanity never saw it coming.)

    After watching the first episode I came to the following conclusion:  Shawn Johnson, the 17 year old Olympic gold medal gymnast, was going to win this season.  At first I didn’t believe she won a gold medal in gymnastics due to her regular womanly proportions.  I had always thought the rule for these young women is that their breasts must be smaller than the top of their pelvic bone jutting out of her abdomen when they stand up straight.

    I felt a bit empty after watching the finale.  I think they should have one last show where Shawn Johnson and Gilles Marrini compete together against their coaches to see if it is possible for the students to surpass the teachers.  Steve-O and Steve Wozniac will dance together for comic relief.  The rest of the contestants with be the judges, the judges with attempt to play musical instruments, and the hosts will do their best to operate the cameras.

    Most importantly, none of the dancers get to talk about how much fun they had just being here and the directors will be forced (at gunpoint if necessary) not to use previous footage to fill up 63% of the show’s air time.