After becoming bored beating almost all of the humans on the planet at the game show Jeopardy, the supercomputer known as Watson will start entertaining himself by creating a billion fake tweets every day.  Twitter followers, after discovering the situation, by in large decide the fake tweets are more interesting than the real ones and Watson quickly ends up with more followers than Charlie Sheen.

Republicans in Congress are attempting to eliminate funding for a federal program which provides low income women basic reproductive services such as low-cost cervical and breast cancer screening. “Hey, maybe these guys aren’t so bad after all.” commented the Taliban.

Recently unemployed actor Charlie Sheen announced plans for a stand-up tour in Chicago and Detroit.  “Tickets will be free,” explains Sheen, “But before the show we will pass around collection plates.  Once I get at least two million dollars, then I’ll start the show.”