Officials at San Francisco’s Bay Area Rapid Transport admitted to shutting down cell phone service to disrupt a planned protest in the vicinity.  While reaction to the news was mixed during the blackout, one man went on record saying, “I think this is a perfectly acceptable course of action given the need for public safety.  We don’t need a bunch of troublemakers down here….   aaaarrrrggghhh… I’m having a heart attack… call 911!   What do you mean you aren’t getting a signal?”

Former President Bill Clinton said the United States could save more than $1 trillion a year by adopting any other advanced nation’s healthcare system. “That has to be one of the biggest lies that man has ever told to the American public” replied the group of people who get paid an extra trillion dollars a year.

Several members of the Republican party, including Karl Rove and Sarah Palin, have openly criticized President Barack Obama for inviting the rap star Common to read a short poem at a recent White House Poetry event.  “We don’t want this to come off as racists old school thinking,” the Republicans explained in a press release, “but letting a colored man into the White House to talk about things like hope and freedom just doesn’t sit well with our more established voting base.”