Recently unemployed actor Charlie Sheen announced plans for a stand-up tour in Chicago and Detroit.  “Tickets will be free,” explains Sheen, “But before the show we will pass around collection plates.  Once I get at least two million dollars, then I’ll start the show.”

“So I asked my girlfriend how she would rate me in bed, and she said I was average.  What a let down.”

“But aren’t you the only one she has ever slept with?”

“What’s your point?”

When asked about his potential Presidential campaign in 2012, Newt Gingrich replied, “This type of campaign requires a tremendous amount of planning.  For example, I have barely even begun to consider who will be my wife this time around.”