The Real World: The Next Generation July 3, 2005
This is the true story of seven strangers, picked to live on a starship and have their lives holographically recorded, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL. The Real World: The Next Generation!
Bright Eyes February 8, 2014
Delivering packages at the mall is making me feel old. I was at Sephora this week when one of the girls asked if I would get mad if she moved by me as I was unloading packages. I replied that I was “living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.” None of the three […]
The Dukes Of Hazzard August 15, 2009
With an odd blank look on his face Enos stared off to the distance and said, to nobody in particular, “I want to see Daisy’s womanly abilities….”
2019 Christmas Letter December 25, 2019
The lesson I taught my kids is the old man isn’t going to go down in laser tag without a fight.
2024 Christmas Letter October 25, 2024
January 1, 2024 7:04 AM: Omar’s eyes shoot open and he proclaims to his still sleeping wife, “I need to ride my bicycle on a volcano in Iceland!” Kat rolls her eyes. Said gesture might have been more effective if she was facing him or her eyelids were open. [SUDDEN LOUD VINYL RECORD SCRATCHING NOISE] […]
Rush To Judgement November 17, 2003
Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh returned to his long-running radio show today after being absent for five weeks in an effort to break his dependence on prescription pain medication. When asked about the situation, Mr. Limbaugh commented, “While I have made some progress in dealing with the pain pills, the five weeks I’ve been off the […]
Men Are From Mars January 13, 2004
President Bush said on Tuesday his proposals for a space program that would take man to the Moon and Mars, criticized by some for its high cost, would be affordable. “We can get half way there,” the Commander in Chief explained, “just by climbing on top of all the money I’ve collected for the next […]
Always bet on black. Or was that red? Green maybe? February 10, 2013
In an effort to make our schools safer from violence, action movie star Steven Seagal is training 40 volunteers in Forrest Hills, Arizona to become armed guards in public schools. In other news, H&R Block is offering to let customers have their tax returns prepared by Wesley Snipes.
Entertainment Of The Future March 16, 2001
I have to admit up front that I have never written a story while being held against my will at the Boulder County Police Headquarters. Usually I sit home at my desk and mold the random thoughts running around in my head into a somewhat coherent and for the most part correctly-spelled piece of literature. […]
Output Error May 2, 2010
I’m not going to name names, but SOMEONE decided to make a big mess, and I mean really, really unpleasant stuff, in her diaper RIGHT AFTER she spit up all over my favorite Battlestar Galactica shirt while I was trying to watch the season finale of Caprica. OK, it was Isabel.
Going Down December 17, 2002
Still working damage control, Senator Trent Lott recently appeared on Black Entertainment Television to apologize for recent racially insensitive comments. While many viewers found his thirty-minute speech unconvincing, the Senate Republican leader generally received high marks for his introductory break-dance routine.
Cleaning Up September 20, 2002
Accused of looting hundreds of millions of dollars from Tyco International, former CEO Dennis Kozlowski now faces federal charges of corruption, conspiracy, and grand larceny. One of the prosecuting attorneys in the case went on record saying, “Six thousand dollars for a shower curtain! What does he think this is, the military?”
Kids Don’t Try This At Home November 7, 2001
In retrospect, the fact that I was hauling around a backpack containing a broken car battery might have contributed to my decreased velocity.
We’ve Got Ears Say Cheers May 19, 2013
Just a quick post for some predictions on where things are headed with this whole “technology” thing. We are going to see some new applications with noise canceling technology. Most commonly used in headphones to quiet unwanted sounds such as annoying coworkers, jet engines, and your daughter’s pet gerbil that sits in his cage as […]
Twelve Steps To Becoming A Lounge Singer May 9, 2001
The misspelled words were few, the grammatical errors were minor, and I even managed to make the idea of gratuitously beating up a helpless old Dutch man seem funny.
Fat Bottomed Girls July 18, 2003
The National Institute of Health released a report stating that while American children are becoming more obese, they are less likely to become pregnant or engage in violent activity. One of the researchers concluded, “If you want to keep your son out of school-yard fights and your daughter from getting knocked up, make sure they […]
Funny And Sexy– Is It Possible August 8, 2009
We rented “Zach and Miri Make a Porno” from Netflix this weekend. The premise is quite simple– long time friends and roommates Zach and Miri are broke, and decide to remedy the situation by filming a porno flick. Of course nothing really goes as planned, and things get weird between the two friends when the […]
2018 Christmas Letter December 25, 2018
Doggie heaven is great– the toys are the best and everyone loves it when you fart.
Kicking It Old School January 28, 2003
U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently caused a bit of a stir by stating that France and Germany’s reluctance to support a war against Iraq indicated they were still part of “old Europe.” A high ranking French official replied, “I’m not sure about the rest of the world, but talking about war and ‘old […]
Cellular Damage November 11, 2002
A California report that blames cell phone use in 913 highway accidents in 2001 is being revised because officials believe the figure should be about seven times higher. Governor Gray Davis returned the report to the California Highway Patrol after performing some rough calculations on his cell phone calculator on his drive to work.
The Postman Always Rings Twice April 4, 2009
…but the UPS guy is already driving away by the time you put down the remote control, get your butt off the couch, dust the potato chips off your stomach, and walk over to the front door.
Free Bird November 22, 2005
President Bush pardoned two turkeys, Stars and Stripes, during the annual White House Thanksgiving tradition. When asked about the status of those who did not receive clemency and are still being held at undisclosed locations around the world, the President replied, “I want to be clear on this– we do not torture… Let’s just say […]
Television Playlists August 1, 2009
I wrote a ranting lunatic type letter to Dish Network the other day just to make myself feel better. Basically I want to be able to make playlists of DVR television shows for my future children to watch based on their age. Then I want everyone to be able to share their playlists with the […]
One Large French Fry August 14, 2003
The continuing heat wave in Europe has reportedly led to 3,000 deaths in France. While neighboring countries called on military forces to help deal with the problem, France has been busy drafting a United Nations proposal asking the local climate to refrain from being so hot.
Problems On The Hill March 8, 2001
The unusually cold winter this season has given Boulder a few months of calm from the recurring problem of wildly inappropriate behavior up on the Hill. As a mix of retail, housing, and Greek organizations, the area west of the CU Boulder campus known as the Hill has become a real black eye for both […]
Pie In The Sky May 12, 2004
In light of the recent Space Shuttle disaster, officials at NASA are considering sending an unmanned robot into space to perform maintenance on the fourteen year old Hubble Telescope. “The idea came to us,” one project manager reported, “after the local Chuck E Cheese closed down and the entire animatronic Pizza Time Band became unemployed.”
How Computers Work Part 9 June 12, 2002
Note to reader: Make wavy up and down motion with hands to indicate a flashback sequence.
1995 Christmas Letter December 25, 1995
Dear friend, Another year has passed before us and I am taking time out of my busy schedule to personally write you this letter explaining to you what is going on in my life. Please do not infer that just because I am constantly referring to you in the generic second person and not including […]
Need For Speed November 15, 2002
A supercomputer in Yokohama, Japan recently claimed the number one position in the Top 500 list of the most powerful computer systems in the world. The system, which simulates climate and other aspects of the earth, consists of 640 machines connected through a high-speed network. The machine performs more than 35 trillion operations per second […]
Taking Care Of Business November 18, 2009
The shit really hit the fan today at work, so I confronted my supervisor and told him that somebody doesn’t know how to use that new high-tech bidet they put in the men’s bathroom.
Latest Addition July 25, 2009
I put off talking about this topic because there seemed to be so much wedding stuff to blog about, but here is the official news: Katherine is pregnant and due to deliver in mid December. Here is our first ultrasound, taken May 6, 2009. I was going to scan this into my computer, but it […]
How Computers Work Part 2 July 12, 2001
If you would like more information on the topics discussed today, please visit the nearest ancient Roman library and local abacus store.
Black Remote Technology March 1, 2009
Who wants to save electricity? Or from a more pragmatic perspective: Who wants to save money? By far the best first step in reducing a home utility bill is to buy compact fluorescent light bulbs to replace less efficient incandescent bulbs. These CFL bulbs used to be quite pricey, but I just checked on Amazon.com […]
Rest Room Question April 4, 2009
I realized something while eating lunch as Wok ‘n Roll this afternoon. After drinking 3 large Diet Pepsi’s I had to answer the call of nature. I was forced to put the call on hold, however, when the door to the mens’ bathroom was occupied. Now when a place of business only has only one […]
Stay Or Go July 19, 2009
I watch quite a few home remodeling shows on television. The premise this idea is to find homeowners who are on the fence about moving to a new home in the same general area. A team of experts come in and talk to the homeowner about what issues they have with their current home. From […]
No More Playing Around April 2, 2003
France has agreed to provide 320 military personnel for a peacekeeping operation in ethnically divided Macedonia. The French brigadier general in charge went on record saying, “If we don’t get the complete and immediate cooperation from the Macedonian government, ethic rebels, and civilian population, we are prepared to take whatever means necessary to resolve the […]
Team Infinities June 26, 2016
Welcome to the post-race wrap-up for the 37th annual Longmont Kinetics Race! I’m the team captain of team Infinities, but to keep things simple you can call me Infini-tease. I’m the one with the pink hair and the fishnet stockings. The other members of my team include Infini Tea, Infini T, and Infini Tee. The […]
The Real Santa June 15, 2001
Things got weird for me, however, when “Santa” turned out to be my high school math teacher.
Why I Want My Own Route July 23, 2009
Here are the exact directions (meaning I’m not making any of this up) to 4580 County Road 68, Wellington, Colorado: Go north on I-25 and get off at the Wellington exit. Head north on the east side frontage road until you see a sign for CR68. There is only one house on the road and […]
In Political News August 15, 2002
Speaking at the foot of Mount Rushmore, President Bush took time out of his four-week working vacation to criticize congress on the issue of Homeland Security. “The Democrats in the Senate are intentionally limiting… [LOOKS AT TV MONITOR] Whoa, hey, look at this– my head is the same size as those up on the side […]
Flights Of Fancy August 13, 2003
The Hong Kong based Blue Box Toys company announced plans to distribute a one-foot-tall GI Joe doll of the president called “Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush– U.S. President and Naval Aviator.” A spokesperson for the company commented, “We are excited to release this new doll, especially after the marketing department killed plans for a […]
2007 Christmas Letter December 25, 2007
On a side note, he didn’t seem to enjoy the memory nasal probe. None of them do.
More Than Words February 11, 2003
At a Capitol Hill hearing regarding Homeland Security, FBI Director Robert Mueller reported, “the enemies we face are resourceful, merciless and fanatically committed to inflicting massive damage on our homeland, which they regard as a bastion of evil.” Later in the day the President of Iraq responded by asking the Director, “Hey, would you mind […]
24 UPS Commercial April 16, 2009
This is another idea I’ve come up with for a new UPS commercial. The entire commercial is similar to the style of the television show “24,” with views of different scenes at the same point in time. Voice Over: “The following takes place between 5:00 P.M. and 9:00 A.M.” A timer appears at the bottom […]
Heavy Reading July 26, 2006
The hottest book on Amazon.com this week described the efforts of a morbidly obese man to become a functioning member of society once again. The title of the book is, “How I Lost 749 Pounds But Found It In The Sofa Cushions.”
Getting Published April 4, 2009
Kind of like putting a rubber band around the trigger of the pull out sprayer at the kitchen sink so when the next person turns on the water it shoots straight at their chest.
How Computers Work Part 3 July 25, 2001
And don’t worry too much about the evil alien robot monkeys. The odds of them suddenly materializing in your bedroom are rather slim.
How Do I Annoy Thee? January 17, 2002
Since my schedule as a writer is quite flexible, I often submit to my nocturnal tendencies and end up doing things at somewhat odd hours.
Secret Agenda November 16, 2002
Four protesters with PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) recently disrupted the taping of Victoria’s Secrets Fashion Show by rushing the catwalk with protest signs. The event continued after security whisked the women off the stage and out of the building. After the show, a Victoria’s Secrets executive commented, “I’m not sure why […]
25 November 6, 2002
The non-traditional action series “24” is back for another season on the Fox network. The first season documented a single twenty-four hour period of the main character’s life that included, among other things, foiling an assassination attempt on a presidential candidate. The first ten episodes of this season are focusing on Kiefer Sutherland enjoying a […]
