Researchers at John Hopkins have been forced to retract a highly publicized paper linking the drug Ecstasy to serious brain damage after discovering that they had actually administered a different drug to most of the animals in their study. The head researcher commented, “The problem, without going into too much detail, centered around the annual Christmas party and a rather persuasive, perky, and adventurous young female laboratory assistant.”

In an effort to explain 11,400 more fatalities than usual during the first two weeks of August, officials in France have claimed air pollution and a lack of wind were the actual cause of death during the nation’s hottest summer in 60 years. A new phrase has been circulating in Paris: “Its not the heat, it’s the smog death cloud.”

Microsoft Corporation warned on Wednesday that users of its Office software were at risk of having their computers taken over by an attacker unless they applied a patch to correct the problem. The attacker? Microsoft Corporation.