Force Of Nature February 22, 2005
President Bush sent a message to European leaders who opposed the Iraq war saying that “no passing disagreement of governments, no power on Earth will ever divide us.” Shortly afterwards, a spokesperson for the Commander-in-Chief added, “with the exception of the tectonic plates under the Atlantic ocean that have been pushing apart the two continents […]
Get Ducked January 15, 2012
An older man is sitting in an over-sized chair. “My name is Steve, and I am the product manager here at the Select Comfort’s Sleep Number bed product line. While our product line has been an amazing success over the years, we are always looking for new ways to improve our customer’s sleep experience. I recently received […]
Internet Killed The TV Star November 23, 2014
I showed my kids “Video Killed the Radio Star” on YouTube today. This song has the honor of being the first video ever played on MTV. In a related story, MTV has announced it will play it’s very last music video later on this year.
Lord Of The Rings October 8, 2005
Gandolf, you silly old man. We live in Middle Earth, but that doesn’t mean we must live in the Middle Ages.
Flu’s Clues October 24, 2009
avoid any impromptu “Hands Across America” events.
Mom, I Want To Grow Up And Be A Lounge Singer April 5, 2001
While I’m not sure if I’ll ever become an actual lounge singer, I do like to entertain the thought when I’m stuck in traffic or trying to get my computer to submit to my will.
Travel Guide: Estes Park January 20, 2003
Being a secluded mountain town, many of these stores focus on specialized candy and dessert items
Putting His Finger On The Problem November 6, 2008
My doctor’s prostate exam really left an impression on me. And by that I mean that all my poop is shaped like his finger.
Not in Russian Anymore March 3, 2012
I was looking through my wordpress admin page and I noticed more than 1,000 spam responses in the comments section. By default I don’t post any of these to my site, but just for fun I looked through some of the stuff that people are trying to get on my site. About half of the […]
2001 Christmas Letter December 25, 2001
The idea was about as appealing as a “Three’s Company” television reunion special (likely plot line: Chrissy isn’t pregnant—she’s menopausal.)
This Little Piggy May 13, 2003
A British teenager was recently forced to pay $160 to a policeman for calling him “fat.” The fine would have been higher, but the judge decided to deduct the cost of the pound of uncooked bacon the teen stuffed down the officers shirt during the altercation.
Turning 30 April 3, 2004
For the first seven or eight years I knew my friend Brian, he kept telling me the word sopapilla meant “soup thief”
The Postman Always Rings Twice April 4, 2009
…but the UPS guy is already driving away by the time you put down the remote control, get your butt off the couch, dust the potato chips off your stomach, and walk over to the front door.
Save Some Bills June 8, 2011
Former President Bill Clinton said the United States could save more than $1 trillion a year by adopting any other advanced nation’s healthcare system. “That has to be one of the biggest lies that man has ever told to the American public” replied the group of people who get paid an extra trillion dollars a […]
Rats! December 2, 2007
I’m sure we can get people to live there when we can change the name from ‘Rat Island’ to ‘Dead Rat Island.’
Latest Addition July 25, 2009
I put off talking about this topic because there seemed to be so much wedding stuff to blog about, but here is the official news: Katherine is pregnant and due to deliver in mid December. Here is our first ultrasound, taken May 6, 2009. I was going to scan this into my computer, but it […]
Most Effective Barrier Method February 6, 2011
While various barrier methods of birth control have been around since the ancient Egyptians were putting up those lovely pyramids, I’ve come to realize the most effective barrier method to date. Step one: The woman lays down on the bed on the left side. She can position herself on her stomach, back, or side– whichever position […]
Change I Can Believe In March 20, 2010
I’ve decided to report one million people live in my house on my official census form to qualify my residence as a new Congressional district. This would give me a good shot at finally getting elected to the House of Representatives, provided I can convince the dog not to vote for my wife. (note to […]
Buildin Better Townhomes September 16, 2009
I would try this myself, but I would like to avoid a lengthy legal dispute with my homeowner’s association.
2019 Christmas Letter December 25, 2019
The lesson I taught my kids is the old man isn’t going to go down in laser tag without a fight.
Handicapped November 30, 2002
Quite a few people have asked me, “What’s it like to have a girlfriend who is missing a finger?”
1998 Christmas Letter December 25, 1998
Welcome to my fourth annual Christmas letter. Well, I can’t pretend my life wasn’t drastically changed this year when my dad died. I’ve tried not to dwell on it too much, but I don’t think that I could write my annual Christmas letter pretending that it never happened. Don’t worry though– that isn’t all that […]
2011 Christmas Letter December 25, 2011
As was the case with Isabel’s birth, I looked stunning in the white sterile body suit I wore during the birthing procedure.
Alien Encounters July 23, 2003
A group of scientists in Australia have concluded that the number of stars in the known universe is roughly 70 sextillion. For those unfamiliar with these types of numbers, a sextillion is the number one followed by 21 zeros (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000). In the future, however, they will be better known as a race of seductive and […]
Brown Collar Song April 5, 2009
When I was just a young boyI didn’t know what to doBouncing through jobsDrifting without a clue Then one day my purpose became clearI felt a few inches tallerThe very first timeI wore the brown collar So now I go door to doorJust a spreading my wordMy presence is knownWhen I’m not seen or heard […]
Virgin Kinetics Guidebook November 7, 2006
All I know is that I’m not some kind of wizard. And just because the real wizard told me all of this a week before the race doesn’t mean anything.
How Computers Work Part 5 September 14, 2001
In addition to the blinking lights and reel-to-reel tape devices, each generation of computers was becoming smaller and more powerful than its predecessor.
Dancing With The Stars May 22, 2009
In the soon to be released “Terminator Salvation” the machines hypnotize people with their smooth steps and jazz hands– humanity never saw it coming.
Signs Of The Times March 30, 2013
I was driving down the highway today and the electronic warning sign said, “Call *277 to report drunk drivers.” The next sign read, “Plz txt Some1NEARmeISbReakingTHElaw to 31416 to report drivers using their phones while driving.” Back to driving…
One Ecstatic Birthday June 11, 2003
The game is over, Madame Lovejoy. I know you are hopped up on E!
Solo Weekend September 29, 2013
My wife doesn’t seem to want to watch Highlander with me much anymore. Well, that isn’t exactly true– she really never wanted to see it from, I suspect, the moment of her birth.
Road Trip September 6, 2001
Perhaps I’ve watched a few too many episodes of “Xena Warrior Princess.”
Spring Time August 29, 2009
I’m not sure if it was real rustic or fake rustic– around here it could go either way.
Drug War February 21, 2005
Rush Limbaugh is expected to visit Afghanistan, officials said on Thursday. When asked about the nature of the visit, the conservative radio talk show host stated, “I’m excited to see the emergence of freedom in a country that for so many years has been ravished by war. That, and the vast expanse of heroin-producing poppy […]
24 UPS Commercial April 16, 2009
This is another idea I’ve come up with for a new UPS commercial. The entire commercial is similar to the style of the television show “24,” with views of different scenes at the same point in time. Voice Over: “The following takes place between 5:00 P.M. and 9:00 A.M.” A timer appears at the bottom […]
How Computers Work Part 6 September 23, 2001
The packaging of the product in stores proclaimed the game of Pong to be, “Virtual reality fourth dimension alien space tennis with real lasers.”
Worth Every Penny July 7, 2012
Years ago, Stephen Hawking bet a fellow scientist from the University of Michigan $100 that the Higgs Boson particle would never be discovered. In an interview with the BBC, Hawking said: “It seems I have just lost $100.” On Wednesday, scientists from the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) announced the discovery of the Higgs Boson […]
2 Cute January 25, 2010
The Learning Channel began airing the second season of “Toddlers & Tiaras” which documents young girls in highly competitive beauty contests. “Finally, a show that caters to our unique demographic!” proclaimed all the pedophiles.
Twelve Steps To Becoming A Lounge Singer May 9, 2001
The misspelled words were few, the grammatical errors were minor, and I even managed to make the idea of gratuitously beating up a helpless old Dutch man seem funny.
Tick Tick Tick Tick January 6, 2013
Photograph sharing website Instagram created an uproar after announcing sweeping changes to their terms of service. The wave of negative publicity has forced the company to change their plans, with one high ranking company official stating off the record that “this ranks up there with one of the most blatant abuses of technology since CBS […]
Rush To Judgement July 17, 2010
Rush Limbaugh on his plans if the new United States health care program is implemented: Look here folks, all I’m saying is that if Obamacare gets implemented and all the sick people are rounded up, transported in military vehicles to various community swimming pools, stripped naked, and finally, after a five day wait, diagnosed by […]
Annoying Janet February 8, 2002
Now I’m not saying we peed “on” one of the most famous museums in the world, but I’m not going to say we didn’t pee “in the general vicinity” of said structure.
How Computers Work Part 3 July 25, 2001
And don’t worry too much about the evil alien robot monkeys. The odds of them suddenly materializing in your bedroom are rather slim.
12862, 11561, 67, 2465, 762, -178, 938, 1292 June 19, 2009
each number represented an important milestone in our lives– measured in days
Blow By Blow December 11, 2003
Pop singer Bobby Brown has been charged with battery after a weekend domestic dispute with his wife, singing star and actress Whitney Houston, left her with facial injuries. When questioned about the incident, Brown explained how the whole situation was just a simple misunderstanding. “All night long she just kept asking for a good smacking, […]
1851 Christmas Letter April 20, 2025
It was just another typical retro 80’s Saturday night for me– I started streaming the original Tron movie on my 75 inch flat screen television, pulled out a cold six pack of Jolt soda from the refrigerator, and popped in a 5.25 inch floppy disc into my gaming computer which contained a slightly pirated version […]
Berlin September 3, 2001
Say what you want about communism, but they are light years ahead of us in personal hot dog vending devices.
This Old Crack House July 21, 2003
If you would like to build a meth lab in your house, a set of measured drawings is available on our website.
How Computers Work Part 8 May 22, 2002
One theory on how computers work involves groups of small gnomes that run around inside the case using enchanted spells to obey the will of the users.
Free Passage December 12, 2004
McDonalds is spending $300,000 to fly Charlie Bell to Australia in a special medically-equipped corporate jet. Bell, who recently resigned the top position at the golden arches, will return to his native country and continue his battle against colorectal cancer. In a similar gesture of medical goodwill, the world’s largest fast food franchise will soon […]