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  • Imagine this: After a moderately busy day at work, I’m sitting in my La-Z-Boy making saltine and peanut butter sandwiches.

    One side of my brain (I’m not sure which– possibly the inside) is busy mentally writing a letter to the cracker company. “Dear Zesta, I should start out by saying I quite enjoy eating your saltine crackers. I find them pleasing to my palette and very reasonably priced. However, as I was sitting in my La-Z-Boy eating saltine and peanut butter sandwiches I realized a potential quality control problem with your product. When I get to the bottom of a sleeve of crackers, occasionally there is one left over. Each peanut butter saltine sandwich I make uses exactly two saltines. I was wondering: is there supposed to be an odd or even number of crackers in each sleeve? Personally, I would prefer to have an even number. Which leads me to my question: what should I do with the last cracker? I tried using both one and three saltines with peanut butter, but found the results unsatisfactory. Any information you can provide me on this matter would be greatly appreciated.”

    The rest of my brain was busy processing information from earlier in the afternoon– the shorter days, the first significant snowfall of the year, the icy roads I had to navigate all morning and, of course, the trailer park where I got a UPS truck stuck twenty miles away from the center. It all reminded me (with the exception of the trailer park bit—more on that later) that is was time to write my annual Christmas letter. I jumped up from the La-Z-Boy, looked down at the last couple of saltines, sat down again, finished the last of the crackers, got up again, let the dog outside, decided I, too, had to empty my bladder, grabbed a soda from the refrigerator, and then raced to my computer to start writing. Oh, yeah, and somewhere in there I had the oil in my car changed.

    Speaking of automobiles, I just realized that I’ve been driving my Saturn almost as long as I’ve been writing Christmas letters. Based on my personal experience, 1996 was a good year to buy a Saturn. In the seven and a half years I’ve owned this vehicle, it has served me well. However, after consulting my ancient Chinese astrological charts I discovered that 2003 was destined to be “the year of the broken alternator.”

    Here is what I learned from the situation:

    1. When the battery light on the dashboard goes on, hoping it will just turn itself off in a few days may not always be the best solution.
    2. Anyone familiar with northern Colorado will agree that being stranded alone in a non-functioning vehicle in the complete void of civilization between Loveland and Greeley is not the best way to start an evening.
    3. When #1 and #2 are no longer just hypothetical situations, it is possible to take your girlfriend’s car to Wal-Mart, buy a new, fully charged battery, install it in the vehicle with the broken alternator, drive to a nearby mechanic for repair work, and finally return the slightly used battery the next day without the woman at the customer service desk realizing what happened. When she asked the reason for the return, I simply said I made a mistake and only needed a nine volt.

    September 25, 2003 marked my one year anniversary working at UPS. I’m not sure why, but I expected the day to be kind of special. Nothing too fancy– maybe a nice bottle of wine or some flowers. You know, just a little something to make me feel like I’m important to UPS. But no, UPS just went on like it does every day, completely oblivious to my feelings.

    Now that I completely understand / mentally repress everything that happens during the morning shift at UPS, I find my mind occasionally wanders while my body is busy running in and out of the delivery trucks. Just looking at a box moving down the belt can reveal a lot about its contents. Packages from a company such as L.L. Bean have a distinct look and feel that says, “Hello, I’ve got a sweater inside me.” Packages sent from less frequent shippers say things like, “This is a care package for my son who just started college.” Or, “I used to be a box of coco-puffs cereal.”

    Sometimes during the spare seven nanoseconds between loading boxes I ask myself questions like, “Come on, now Omar, really, do you even know how long a nanosecond is?”, “Do you like movies about gladiators?”, and, of course, “Who comes up with these street names?” One part of town in Fort Collins is full of “Lord of the Rings” themed street names such as Shire, Hobbit, and Gilgalad. One morning when a coworker asked if a package for an address on Gilgalad Street should be loaded on one of my trucks, I replied with one of my favorite Hobbit songs, “Gilgalad was an Elven-king. Of him the harpers sadly sing…” I stopped only because someone threw a moderately heavy package at the back of my head, but that’s another story. (one I don’t remember, for some reason.)

    I made my first official “career move” at UPS in September when I started working as a Saturday air driver. So now, in addition to my usual responsibilities of loading trucks Monday through Friday, I now spend Saturday mornings in a brown UPS truck. After I put on my cute little brown uniform, I deliver packages in the towns of Fort Collins, Laporte, and Belleview. For anyone not familiar with northern Colorado, Laporte is a small town up in the foothills where people go to get away from the hustle and bustle of Fort Collins. Belleview is nestled even further up in the mountains where people go to get away from the hustle and bustle of Laporte, usually with little more than a handful of cows and several high caliber firearms.

    Driving UPS trucks has been a good learning experience for me. After one moderately sized Friday night snowstorm, I found out what a UPS truck can and can’t do. It can descend a moderately icy inclined entrance to a trailer park without much trouble. After I delivered the package, I discovered that getting back up and on to the main road was not a simple task. After several failed attempts, I looked around, found some trash to stick under the rear tires, and was soon on my way.

    Well, that just about wraps things up for 2003. Will 2004 be the year I resolve the odd saltine cracker mystery? Will I keep working at UPS? Will my coworkers keep throwing packages at the back of my head? If you want to know the answer to these and many other totally unrelated questions, stay tuned for the 2004 edition. Until then, just remember my favorite line from the movie “Office Space.” Bob: Looks like you’ve been missing quite a bit of work lately. Peter Gibbons: Well, I wouldn’t say I’ve been MISSING it, Bob.

  • Pop singer Bobby Brown has been charged with battery after a weekend domestic dispute with his wife, singing star and actress Whitney Houston, left her with facial injuries. When questioned about the incident, Brown explained how the whole situation was just a simple misunderstanding. “All night long she just kept asking for a good smacking, but it turned out all she wanted was some more heroin.”

  • Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh returned to his long-running radio show today after being absent for five weeks in an effort to break his dependence on prescription pain medication. When asked about the situation, Mr. Limbaugh commented, “While I have made some progress in dealing with the pain pills, the five weeks I’ve been off the air has helped me realize that my real addiction is having millions of people around the world listen to my every word on a daily basis– and trust me, they don’t have a rehab center for that.”

  • A car in Southhaven, Mississippi, ran a police checkpoint outside the arena where President Bush was speaking Saturday and rammed the building. “Despite the fact he was inside the structure at the time of the incident,” one republican at the scene pointed out, “the police force and secret service kept the President as secure as a Halliburton reconstruction contract.”

  • North Korea has agreed, in principle, to six-way talks addressing Pyongyang’s controversial nuclear program. The complex agreement will bring North Korea, South Korea, China, Japan, Russia, and the United States together in an attempt to resolve the situation. While the details of the negotiations have not been finalized, it is widely believed the meeting will culminate in a no-holds-barred, winner-takes-all game of Chinese checkers.

  • A report commissioned by the governor of Illinois found that the if the state purchased prescription drugs from Canada, the average retiree could save more than $1000 a year without compromising the safety or quality of their medications. When asked to respond to these findings, a spokesperson for an undisclosed drug company replied, “Sure, this might save seniors in Illinois a few bucks here and there, but who is going to watch out for the multi-billion dollar pharmaceutical companies? Oh, wait– that’s why we pay off high-level government officials. Sucks to be you, old sick people.”

  • China’s first man in space said the Earth looked beautiful from his orbiting capsule but he couldn’t find the Great Wall. “I tried to see it,” Yang Liwei told reporters, “but when I booked the flight I could only get an aisle seat. The gentleman next to the window closed the blind so he could take a nap.”

  • A 6-foot tall, 150-pound Mr. Potato Head statue once used by the Rhode Island Tourism Division was stolen Friday from the driveway of a private home in Newport, Rhode Island. After hearing the news, the search for a 6-foot tall letter “E” was initiated by former Vice President Dan Quayle.

  • In a recent Los Angeles Times interview, Stephen King announced he would soon be “done with writing.” While many fans will miss King’s unique horror-genre novels, television executives have calmed a nervous public by confirming a steady stream of crappy made-for-T.V. movies will be released through the 2023 television season.

  • Welcome to the first debate for the 2004 Presidential Election here on the Fox News Network. We have with us, from the Republican side, current President George “Dubya” Bush. Representing the Democrats tonight is Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman. In order to give the American people more of what we think they want, the theme of this debate is “Politics at the Movies.” Every statement must contain at least one cinematic reference. But enough of the small talk– we begin with an opening statement from George Bush.

    Bush: I’m sure my opponent will try and change the subject with all kinds of facts relating to how I have been running this country over the past three years. But first I would like to point out that Mr. Lieberman shares more than a passing resemblance to Star Wars’ Senator Palpatine.

    Lieberman: What? That was a movie, and besides, it takes place in a galaxy far, far away. Go back and look at my voting record– I have never endorsed building a Death Star in my fourteen years as a congressman.

    Announcer: Whoa there, Senator! You should know our broadcast well enough not to bring up vague notions like your voting record. Please stay focused on the matter at hand, or you won’t get any more camera time.

    Bush: Death Star, huh, we could use something like that in the War on Terror. We could set it on “singe” and take Afghanistan right off the map! I wonder how much Haliburton would charge us to build one under the table. Dangit–am I talking out loud again?

    Lieberman: Fine… if I’m the evil Senator, that means Bush is Jar-Jar Binks! I’ll concede there isn’t much of physical resemblance, but they both have wacky accents, and, well, let’s face it— they are both bumbling idiots.

    Bush: Mr. Lieberman, we have a little saying where I come from. I can’t remember it off the top of my head, and even if I could, I probably wouldn’t say it right on the first try anyway. Going back to Jar-Jar Binks– Despite his unusual accent and awkward adolescence, Jar-Jar bravely served in the military defending his planet from the evil invasion force. Several years later, a more wise and conservative Mr. Binks became a public servant and assisted Queen Amidala in official duties of the Imperial Senate. Finally, Jar-Jar… well, I haven’t seen the next film. But my point is this: If you want to compare me to Jar-Jar Binks, I’ll take it as a compliment Senator Palpat… I mean, Lieberman.

    Announcer: Whoa! He really burned you there Joe.

    Bush: But obviously I’m Maverick from Top Gun. Studies commissioned by my administration shows that 53% of voting-age American females would enjoy watching me play sand volleyball half naked with Anthony Edwards and Val Kilmer. While I am more than willing to give the public what they want, scheduling conflicts between the three of us have kept it from happening. As a compromise, however, I did dress up in a flight suit on that aircraft carrier earlier this year.

    Liberman: If I was going to be compared to a likeness of a movie character, I think the best fit would be that of Oskar Schindler from Steven Spielberg’s World War 2 drama “Schindler’s List.” After learning of the horrible crimes committed by the Nazi party, Schindler puts himself at risk in order to save more than 1,000 Jews from a German concentration camp. His bravery in the face of evil has been an inspiration for the past decade.

    Bush: Yeah, I think I’ve seen that one—but for some reason we could only see it in black and white. I remember getting horrible customer service when I called the cable company to complain about the picture. So should we, as Americans, be surprised that Joe Lieberman’s favorite movie centered on a controlling Jewish man and literally thousands of naked people? I’m sure everyone else found the ending as terribly confusing as I did, but the general idea I got out of it was that this Schindler guy bought as many of the naked people as he could in order to start his own perverted sex brothel and corresponding Internet site. Now is this the kind of man we want running the country?

    Announcer: That’s all the time we have tonight. Stay tuned for next week’s debate, when we force the candidates to address the tough question, “What would YOU do to reduce the size of J-Lo’s ass?”

  • Researchers at John Hopkins have been forced to retract a highly publicized paper linking the drug Ecstasy to serious brain damage after discovering that they had actually administered a different drug to most of the animals in their study. The head researcher commented, “The problem, without going into too much detail, centered around the annual Christmas party and a rather persuasive, perky, and adventurous young female laboratory assistant.”

  • In an effort to explain 11,400 more fatalities than usual during the first two weeks of August, officials in France have claimed air pollution and a lack of wind were the actual cause of death during the nation’s hottest summer in 60 years. A new phrase has been circulating in Paris: “Its not the heat, it’s the smog death cloud.”