Business Birth February 18, 2004
After examining all the choices in the area, I’ve decided to start a fitness club that caters exclusively to pregnant woman, and I’m going to name the center “The OB-GYM.”
Hitting The Wall March 6, 2013
So I was watching Wall-E the other day for the Nth time (where N=N+1, which explains how many times my kiddos want to see this particular movie) and I noticed something that bothered me and now I can’t get it out of my head. When Wall-E is hanging on to the outside of the rocket […]
World Peace November 22, 2002
Intense riots in Kaduna, Nigeria were sparked by a local newspaper article regarding the upcoming Miss World pageant. The front-page article claimed that if he was alive today, the Islamic prophet Mohamed probably would have chosen a wife from among the contestants. The developing African country won the right to host the competition last year […]
2004 Christmas Letter December 25, 2004
I’ve managed to keep myself busy with a new job, new house, and new electronic gadgetry.
Traffic Jam February 25, 2011
I was looking through the web statistics for newfunny.com, and was somewhat surprised about what words lead people to this site. Here are the top 10 phrases according to godaddy.com where I host the site: porno, porn movie, rush limbaugh wedding, www.newfunny.com, holmes on homes, british petroleum, bp, south park porn, orgazmo, silly christmas letters. […]
Get Ducked January 15, 2012
An older man is sitting in an over-sized chair. “My name is Steve, and I am the product manager here at the Select Comfort’s Sleep Number bed product line. While our product line has been an amazing success over the years, we are always looking for new ways to improve our customer’s sleep experience. I recently received […]
Mom, I Want To Grow Up And Be A Lounge Singer April 5, 2001
While I’m not sure if I’ll ever become an actual lounge singer, I do like to entertain the thought when I’m stuck in traffic or trying to get my computer to submit to my will.
Lost In Translation April 27, 2014
Kmart had plenty of sexy Scarlett Johansson “Avenger” posters for sale today, but they were all out of merchandising from her frumpy “Lost in Translation” appearance.
Dancing With The Stars May 22, 2009
In the soon to be released “Terminator Salvation” the machines hypnotize people with their smooth steps and jazz hands– humanity never saw it coming.
I should Be An SNL Writer October 14, 2009
Here was a joke on Thursday’s Saturday Night Live: A man in Massachusetts who used a pellet gun to steal a hot dog from another man in the park has been sentenced to 18 months in prison. And just for future reference, stealing a guys wallet can buy you lots of hot dogs. Here is […]
The Zero Effect October 21, 2002
A White House spokesman stated Monday that the United States will insist on a “zero tolerance” policy regarding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. To put this in perspective, the Bush administration assigned Iran and North Korea, the remaining two-thirds of the “Axis of Evil,” tolerance levels of five and eleven.
Spice Rack November 2, 2002
Police in London arrested five people on Saturday for allegedly plotting to kidnap Spice Girl Victoria Beckham and hold her for a $7.8 million ransom. In a related note, authorities are still investigating the theft of the group’s music career.
Spring Time August 29, 2009
I’m not sure if it was real rustic or fake rustic– around here it could go either way.
Gods Playing Poker September 15, 2002
Jesus: Just this morning I produced my image in a tortilla in a small town in eastern Texas. Thor: I’ve always admired you for that.
12862, 11561, 67, 2465, 762, -178, 938, 1292 June 19, 2009
each number represented an important milestone in our lives– measured in days
Kicking It Old School January 28, 2003
U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently caused a bit of a stir by stating that France and Germany’s reluctance to support a war against Iraq indicated they were still part of “old Europe.” A high ranking French official replied, “I’m not sure about the rest of the world, but talking about war and ‘old […]
The Dukes Of Hazzard August 15, 2009
With an odd blank look on his face Enos stared off to the distance and said, to nobody in particular, “I want to see Daisy’s womanly abilities….”
Two For T January 10, 2014
I decided last night that when one person is in bed laying on their back and the other person is snuggled up on their side it is called “T-spooning.” Kat’s thoughts on my revelation- “Go to sleep already!”
Cosmic Error April 8, 2014
After reading the dozen tweets from Neil deGrasse Tyson regarding the accuracy of the movie Gravity, I would like to point out a glaring inaccuracy in the title sequence of the television series Cosmos. Even if you could travel faster than the speed of light through the cosmos the stars wouldn’t appear to move relative to […]
I Just Knew It Was Going To Happen May 2, 2012
On April 16, 2012 an airline passenger was detained by the TSA due to luggage that contained two silicon breast enhancers that exceeded the TSA’s limit of 3.2 ounce limit on liquids and gels. Back on January 19, 2012 I made the following fake quote from the TSA after the “cupcake in a jar” ordeal: […]
Stephen Colbert Title Sequence November 10, 2012
“Mi-partison”, “My-partison”, and/or “Mypartison” are my submissions for the next word in Stephen Colbert’s “The Colbert Report.” I’m not sure exactly how to spell it since I just made up the word, but that is besides the point. For those who aren’t up on Comedy Central’s talk shows, every now and then a new phrase is […]
Sleep Deprivation March 26, 2012
The Rosetta Stone company is actively suppressing Esperanto for their own finical gain.
In Television News January 20, 2003
Fox announced plans today for yet another high-profile reality show. Twenty teenage female contestants will compete against each other for a year long contract to help promote maxi pads, tampons, and other feminine hygiene products. When asked how long this reality show theme can go on, one high ranking network official replied, “While the general […]
2014 Christmas Letter December 25, 2014
I believe it was JP Morgan who once said “You don’t rise to the top by jumping in the kiddie pool.” That, or I just made it up a few moments ago. Fact checking isn’t a strong point in my Christmas Letters. Where am I going with this? Well, this year I decided to bring […]
IGF May 10, 2007
If you answered “Yes” or “No” to any of these questions, or if you haven’t changed the channel yet, you need the IGF 3000!
Mission Possible January 6, 2015
So I’m sitting here in my home on a quiet Saturday morning before anyone else has woken up thinking about things I want to accomplish in my lifetime. Here are a few randomly selected items on my list: Make a complete list of everything I want to accomplish in my lifetime (so I will know […]
Father’s Day Surprise June 15, 2012
Katherine told me Friday night that she is picking up a special Father’s Day gift for me at 9am Saturday morning. She refuses to give me any more details regarding the nature of the item, so I am using my amazing powers of deduction and reasonableness to conclude that she spent a small part of […]
For Our Next Project July 26, 2002
Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University built a machine designed to demonstrate basic social skills. The robot, named Grace, is a 6-foot-tall drum shaped device which communicates through a digitally animated woman’s face. While the robot’s social abilities are minimal at best, the researcher’s modest goal is to have Grace appear at least as human as […]
The Postman Always Rings Twice April 4, 2009
…but the UPS guy is already driving away by the time you put down the remote control, get your butt off the couch, dust the potato chips off your stomach, and walk over to the front door.
Putting His Finger On The Problem November 6, 2008
My doctor’s prostate exam really left an impression on me. And by that I mean that all my poop is shaped like his finger.
Blowing In The Wind September 25, 2010
A recently completed offshore renewable energy facility has been put into service off the coast of Ramsgate in Kent, England. The turbines, which will generate enough electricity to power 200,000 homes, are poised to officially take over the record for largest wind farm– a record currently held by Taco Bell.
One Ecstatic Birthday June 11, 2003
The game is over, Madame Lovejoy. I know you are hopped up on E!
Funny And Sexy– Is It Possible August 8, 2009
We rented “Zach and Miri Make a Porno” from Netflix this weekend. The premise is quite simple– long time friends and roommates Zach and Miri are broke, and decide to remedy the situation by filming a porno flick. Of course nothing really goes as planned, and things get weird between the two friends when the […]
Olympic Adventures Part 1 February 15, 2002
Despite my incredibly hectic schedule, I have managed to violate the known laws of physics by tearing a hole in the space time continuum large enough to permit a brief trip to the upcoming Olympics.
We’ve Got Ears Say Cheers May 19, 2013
Just a quick post for some predictions on where things are headed with this whole “technology” thing. We are going to see some new applications with noise canceling technology. Most commonly used in headphones to quiet unwanted sounds such as annoying coworkers, jet engines, and your daughter’s pet gerbil that sits in his cage as […]
Come On Holmes February 15, 2010
I watched “Holmes on Homes” on HGTV last night. Mike Holmes travels to people’s houses to repair shady contractor projects gone awry. Now he can finally quit his part time job working security detail for that Dexy’s Midnight Runners tribute band.
Ice Pact May 5, 2010
Some 40 nations at a high-level climate meeting in Germany have made headway toward a pact to curb global warming. “This meeting has broken the ice and one cannot overestimate the importance,” Norbert Roettgen said as the three-day conference drew to a close. “Stop breaking the ice– I live there,” commented a polar bear in attendance.
Iceland Photos July 12, 2024
If I Could Turn Back Time June 30, 2003
Hundreds of mourners passed through South Carolina’s Statehouse to pay their final respects to Strom Thurmond. Many people brought flowers and other items to leave by the coffin in a make-shift memorial. Trent Lott put all his future political ambitions down and quickly left the building.
You Know You Are An Insomniac If October 30, 2001
Just to set the record straight, calculators have the 1,2,3 row on the bottom row while telephones put it on the top row.
No More Playing Around April 2, 2003
France has agreed to provide 320 military personnel for a peacekeeping operation in ethnically divided Macedonia. The French brigadier general in charge went on record saying, “If we don’t get the complete and immediate cooperation from the Macedonian government, ethic rebels, and civilian population, we are prepared to take whatever means necessary to resolve the […]
Escape To New York May 25, 2009
Nothing promotes tourism more than locking the bathrooms when people might be interested in using them.
Force Of Nature February 22, 2005
President Bush sent a message to European leaders who opposed the Iraq war saying that “no passing disagreement of governments, no power on Earth will ever divide us.” Shortly afterwards, a spokesperson for the Commander-in-Chief added, “with the exception of the tectonic plates under the Atlantic ocean that have been pushing apart the two continents […]
Xmas Party Story January 15, 2001
If you happen to be familiar with my annual Christmas letter you may be scratching your head thinking, “But Omar, it’s not anywhere near the end of the year– how can you already be posting your Christmas letter?” I decided that publishing my Christmas letter only once a year is not consistent with my idiom […]
X Marks The Spot March 11, 2021
Starship will land successfully once SpaceX creates enough footage for their “How Not To Land A Starship” montage video.
Let’s Have This Baby April 3, 2010
Isabel had to make a few adjustments like breathing air, receiving nutrition through her mouth, and not being allowed to lounge around all day in that warm soft jacuzzi of a uterus.
Expanding Horizons December 3, 2002
A police investigation is underway into a pornographic movie shot on campus at Indiana University. A film crew from Shane Enterprises had 20 to 30 students sign model release forms before shooting erotic footage for “Shane’s World 32: Campus Invasion.” The resident manager at Teter Quadrangle who brought the matter to the police commented, “I […]
Chicken Little January 8, 2003
P.E.T.A. is currently campaigning for a general boycott of Kentucky Fried Chicken. When queried, a spokesperson for the organization stated, “They are raising chickens in a safe and sanitary environment– we are just disgusted by the continued production of annoying commercials with that fat, annoying guy from Seinfeld.”
Men And Women April 12, 2001
The odds of throwing out your back while putting dirty clothes into the hamper are quite small.
Television Playlists August 1, 2009
I wrote a ranting lunatic type letter to Dish Network the other day just to make myself feel better. Basically I want to be able to make playlists of DVR television shows for my future children to watch based on their age. Then I want everyone to be able to share their playlists with the […]