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  • Wow, I was just looking back at my latest posts, and I realized that I haven’t posted any real updates about my personal life in a very long time.  So here goes.

    We recently added a +1 to our family:  Samatha Rose Lutfey.  So now we have a total of one husband, one wife, two kiddos, and one crazy dog.  Pretty typical family lineup.

    Having never done this before, I am very much learning how to be a father as I go. Of course pretty much everyone has to start out from scratch, so I’m not really special in my situation. The easiest way to categorize activities in this area is “things I was reasonably expecting to happen” and “what?  did that really just happen?  You must be kidding me!”

    So in the first category I put things like changing diapers, feeding, and playing with my children. To a large degree I’ve had experience with this by having taken care of my dog Maury for several years now. The key here, as much as I understand things, is to understand the desire of the dog/child and things will go smoothly. If someone is making an unpleasant sound, or error code as I like to say, then resolving the situation is just a matter of finding the cause of the error code and fixing the underlying problem. To start out, babies generally have a small set of error codes– my diaper’s full, my stomach is empty, and someone isn’t giving me their full attention. So debugging small children is a pretty simple process.

    The only situations to look out for are false positives and false negatives. For example, my oldest child Isabel doesn’t seem to mind running around with a diaper full of poop. And to make things more fun she likes to run and hide when we try and change her diaper. Don’t forget that kids can just start crying for no known reason. This is the most frustrating of all the error codes since there is no corresponding resolution action. The key to this situation is to identify it as a “Kobayashi Maru.”  For anyone not intimately familiar with Star Trek terminology, this is a no win situation used to train Star Fleet officers.  So just think, “What would Captain Kirk do?” And the correct answer isn’t “make more cheesy Priceline commercials.”

    So now we come to the next group of activities. These are things that you will in no way be able to see coming. My personal favorite example of this is having Isabel on my chest fall asleep. Since I can’t really do anything else without waking up, I soon fell asleep myself. Then, for really no reason I could understand, Isabel emptied the entire contents of her stomach onto my face and chest. Very unpleasant I must say. But my point here is that I couldn’t have seen it coming.

    So this is all I’ve learned in my two years or so of being a father. That, and if you want to get anything done on the computer your kids better be asleep or at grandmas for the weekend.

  • Here is the transcript of our parade skit:

    You may address me as number 2– the number one prime number.  Behind me is number 3, the number 2 prime, and also with me is numbers 5 and 7, the third and fourth primes.

    We represent the prime numbers– positive integers evenly divisible by only ourselves and one.  We are tired of being treated as freaks and second hand citizens on the number line.

    Welcome to prime time– when all numbers are treated equally.  To make this dream a reality, we will now present our organizations prime directive:

    We the primes, an infinite subset of the positive integers, are demanding equal rights to composite numbers.  The time has come to elect one of our own to the position of prime minister.

    Don’t forget that we prime numbers hold the keys to your most important encryption programs.  And who do you think controls the prime rate?  Remember this the next time your are in your house built on prime real estate while eating a wonderfully cooked piece of prime rib.

    If our demands for equality are not met, we will not hesitate to call on one of our strongest military allies, optimus prime.

    That is all.

  • Officials at San Francisco’s Bay Area Rapid Transport admitted to shutting down cell phone service to disrupt a planned protest in the vicinity.  While reaction to the news was mixed during the blackout, one man went on record saying, “I think this is a perfectly acceptable course of action given the need for public safety.  We don’t need a bunch of troublemakers down here….   aaaarrrrggghhh… I’m having a heart attack… call 911!   What do you mean you aren’t getting a signal?”

  • Former President Bill Clinton said the United States could save more than $1 trillion a year by adopting any other advanced nation’s healthcare system. “That has to be one of the biggest lies that man has ever told to the American public” replied the group of people who get paid an extra trillion dollars a year.

  • Several members of the Republican party, including Karl Rove and Sarah Palin, have openly criticized President Barack Obama for inviting the rap star Common to read a short poem at a recent White House Poetry event.  “We don’t want this to come off as racists old school thinking,” the Republicans explained in a press release, “but letting a colored man into the White House to talk about things like hope and freedom just doesn’t sit well with our more established voting base.”

  • Announcer: Welcome to the premiere of Traveling Iron Chef. While Chiarman Kaga Takeshi’s “Kitchen Stadium” vision remains a fixture of Japanese culture, he recently gave a direct order to his younger brother, Lou. Instead of bumming around Kaga’s apartment watching television all day, Lou has been instructed to travel to the ends of the earth in an effort to discover more Iron Chefs. Moving through the countryside with an army of helpers and a scaled down “moderately equipped kitchen tent,” Lou searches for an answer to the eternal question, “Whose cuisine will reign supreme?”

    Lou: We have traveled many moons from our homeland, and today we are broadcasting from the European country of Holland. Two local culinary artists will go in, but only one will come out with the title, “Iron Chef Amsterdam!” And now, the moment you have all been waiting for… today’s secret ingredient is… MARIJUANA!

    Announcer: The marijuana plant, also known as hemp, cannabis, pot, grass, or weed, is one of the most rugged forms of flora known to mankind. Able to grow in almost any climate, marijuana has become a plant of choice for “amateur horticulturists” around the world. The non-flowering section can be used to produce cloth that is both durable and environmentally friendly. While using the bud of the plant as a cooking ingredient is not commonplace, a movement that can almost be described at underground has evolved to help promote marijuana consumption. Despite all this, the plant in question remains illegal in many parts of the world—due in large part to intensive tobacco company lobbying efforts.

    Lou: To help judge the creations of our two Iron Chef candidates, we have three well-known members of Japanese society: Sumi, a young female actress from a popular soap opera, Typo, a fifty-five year old journalist, and Shooki, a new age psychic. They will be evaluating two highly respected Dutch chefs, Willhelm and Hansel. Chefs– you have one hour, starting now!

    Sumi: I am very excited to be here. Hee hee hee.

    Announcer: It appears that Chef Willhelm is preparing thinly-sliced duck breast for his first entrée.

    Typo: I am an old, old man. And I am very good at complaining about things. This is why I am on the show so often.

    Announcer: Well, this is quite amazing! Chef Willhelm is lighting a large pile of the marijuana on fire in order to SMOKE the duck breast. He is instructing one of the assistants to keep the smoke going at a constant rate. Chef Hansel is preparing chocolate and sugar. I think he is going to make some sort of a dessert.

    Sumi: The tent is filling up with smoke. I kind of like it… I feel all tickly. Hee hee hee.

    Shooki: Yes, I feel as though the spirits of 1000 dead relatives are inside my body dancing around and having a party.

    Announcer: I’m not sure what the chefs are doing, but they are being very deliberate about their actions now. Perhaps they are contemplating their next dish. Someone had better tell them they only have one hour to complete the competition!

    Typo: I find this smoke to be highly irregular. The secret ingredient should be in our tummies, and not in our lungs– very unusual. Am I talking too much? I feel as though the words are coming out of my mouth with much less effort than usual.

    Shooki: I never found old, whiney Japanese men attractive until just now. Typo, can I touch your hand for a moment?

    Typo: I am flattered, Shooki, but I must inform you that I called the front desk and had some hookers come up to my hotel room to pleasure me before the show. Did you know they can just add it to your room service bill? Are these thoughts in my head, or are they escaping out of my mouth?

    Announcer: After spending the past five minutes staring at the top of the tent and smiling, chef Willhelm has sprung into action. He is getting something out of his pocket. It appears to be a cellular phone. Who could he be calling?

    Shooki: I believe he is trying to get in touch with one of his deceased parents.

    Typo: You are being foolish, Shooki. You can’t call dead people on a telephone. Where would the phone company send the bill?

    Announcer: We have gotten more details from the cooking area. It appears Willhelm has called for pizza to be delivered to the tent. Extra pepperoni and bread sticks are the order. But will it get here fast enough? In the mean time, Hansel has finished baking brownies, and, if I’m not mistaken, just broke open a box of Hagelslag, or literally “chocolate hail.” This Dutch delicacy is generally used as a bread topping instead of cheese or jam.

    Sumi: Chocolate hail? Is the tent going to hold up okay? Hee hee hee… snort! Snort! SNORT!

    Announcer: Chef Hansel has just filled his mouth with Hagelslag. Now he is laughing uncontrollably and it appears the tiny pieces of chocolate are coming out his nose.

    Lou: Competitors, your time is up!

    Announcer: It has been quite an unsual hour. Chef Willhelm, please explain your dishes.

    Chef Willhelm: I was planning on making a smoked duck dish, but my assistant got too high from the marijuana smoke and fell asleep under the table. So, as a backup plan, I had pizza delivered. Unless the delivery guy screwed up, it should be pepperoni. Unfortunately, I ate the bread sticks during the commercial.

    Typo: I like the taste of the pizza, but if I am not mistaken, there is no direct connection with the special ingredient. Also, it feels as though the food getting larger in my mouth the more I chew it. Is that happening to anyone else?

    Shooki: I see dead people! Get it? I’m being funny. It’s from that movie a few years ago– the one with the little kid.

    Announcer: And now, Chef Hansel, tell us what you have done here.

    Chef Hansel: Well, I don’t know about everyone else, but I got really stoned when what’s-his-name lit that big pile of pot on fire. But I’m used to it, so I made my favorite pot brownies. Oh yeah, and I’m sorry about the Hagelslag coming out my nose… it just seemed like a good idea at the time.

    Typo: I think this dish truly enhances the flavor of the marijuana. Please do not be insulted that I didn’t try any of it– I’m saving it for the hookers in my hotel room.

    Shooki: Can I go with you? I’ve never seen hookers before. How much do they cost?

    Typo: It depends on what you want. You can ask them when we get back to the hotel.

    Sumi: You are cute, so I’m going to give you a lot of points. Hee hee hee.

    Announcer: The competition is complete. Who is going to be Iron Chef Amsterdam?

    Lou: Sumi awarded Chef Hansel twenty points. Typo and Shooki seemed to have left without turning in their scorecards. So I guess the winner is… Iron Chef Hansel. Yeah, yeah, yeah, now hand me one of those brownies. And does anyone here have any Pink Floyd? I could really go for some Dark Side of the Moon right about now…

  • I had to explain some car stuff to my wife today.  The difference between “four wheel drive” and “all wheel drive” is as follows:  In a four wheel drive car the power from the engine is transferred to each wheel to improve traction and handling.  All wheel drive does much the same thing, but the spare tire also spins when the vehicle is in motion.

  • After becoming bored beating almost all of the humans on the planet at the game show Jeopardy, the supercomputer known as Watson will start entertaining himself by creating a billion fake tweets every day.  Twitter followers, after discovering the situation, by in large decide the fake tweets are more interesting than the real ones and Watson quickly ends up with more followers than Charlie Sheen.

  • Republicans in Congress are attempting to eliminate funding for a federal program which provides low income women basic reproductive services such as low-cost cervical and breast cancer screening. “Hey, maybe these guys aren’t so bad after all.” commented the Taliban.

  • Recently unemployed actor Charlie Sheen announced plans for a stand-up tour in Chicago and Detroit.  “Tickets will be free,” explains Sheen, “But before the show we will pass around collection plates.  Once I get at least two million dollars, then I’ll start the show.”

  • “So I asked my girlfriend how she would rate me in bed, and she said I was average.  What a let down.”

    “But aren’t you the only one she has ever slept with?”

    “What’s your point?”

  • When asked about his potential Presidential campaign in 2012, Newt Gingrich replied, “This type of campaign requires a tremendous amount of planning.  For example, I have barely even begun to consider who will be my wife this time around.”