Lutfey.com

  • Years ago, Stephen Hawking bet a fellow scientist from the University of Michigan $100 that the Higgs Boson particle would never be discovered. In an interview with the BBC, Hawking said: “It seems I have just lost $100.” On Wednesday, scientists from the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) announced the discovery of the Higgs Boson particle, controversially dubbed “the God particle.”

    “Mr. Hawking isn’t wrong very often,” said an individual who knows Stephen Hawking well but nonetheless would prefer to remain anonymous. “Just don’t fall for ‘the money is in my front trouser’s pocket– just reach in there and grab it’ trick.  Sure, he may be one of the brightest scientific minds of this generation, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t a dirty old man.”

  • So Katherine ended up getting me a nine inch diameter glazed doughnut for Father’s Day. Apparently I was a little bit off the mark with the whole Lisa Loeb coming over to my house and making me pancakes. Katherine explained to me how she really tried to get Lisa to stop by, but apparently she is married and has a few kids to look after. (I know how that can dampen one’s social life!)

    So I put up a link to the pancake song that she recently releases on my last post, but I didn’t even know about it until I googled “Lisa Loeb pancakes”. I was thinking back to her short lived food show “Dweezil & Lisa” where they spent an entire show preparing and hosting a pancake party. I guess I’m not being the best fanatic that I could be in this area.

    While going on a date with Lisa is kind of out of the question, maybe we could arrange a play date with our kiddos. Isabel and Samantha have a lot of cool toys and plenty of space to run around. But if I don’t ever get to meet you in person, I’ll always remember you as “the queen of being sexy without letting all your junk hang out, even though you have the figure to wear trampy attention grabbing outfits, because you want the world to appreciate you for your artistic abilities.” I totally get it.

    So despite the lack of sexy rock stars at our house this weekend, I really enjoyed my Father’s Day. And yes, I ate the whole doughnut myself!

  • Katherine told me Friday night that she is picking up a special Father’s Day gift for me at 9am Saturday morning. She refuses to give me any more details regarding the nature of the item, so I am using my amazing powers of deduction and reasonableness to conclude that she spent a small part of the afternoon arranging for one of my long term goals of having Lisa Loeb come over to our house and cook me pancakes.

    Developments in this matter, I’m quite sure, will soon follow.

  • I now have the honor of being part of an elite group  of Americans who have come down with the shingles. [LOOKS OVER AT THE INTERNET]  Oh, wait, apparently one in three people get it sometime in their lifetime. If you are thinking quietly to yourself, “hey, isn’t that the band who sang that catchy song in the movie The Garden State?” you are probably getting the band The Shins. I’m not sure if anyone in the Shins have ever had the shingles, but the odds are there.

    If you are thinking it has something to do with having experienced the chicken pox as a child, you are on the right track. Apparently the virus that causes the chicken pox hangs around inside your body just waiting to cause problems at some random point in the future.

    So about a week ago I started getting daily headaches and my neck and right shoulder started to feel sore. Being a UPS employee for almost a decade now, none of these symptoms seemed particularly alarming. A few days later I got a rash on my neck and right ear. Just looking at it in no way relates to the pain I was feeling. Laying my head down on my pillow caused tremendous pain. I eventually started plans to build a bacta water tank that helped heal Luke Skywalker from a severe wampa attack at the beginning of The Empire Strikes Back. Katherine was not receptive to this idea.

    The pain in my ear can be described exactly as the scene in Star Trek when a younger, more fit, and, well, I suppose less passed away Ricardo Montelbon places mind-controlling bugs in crew members of the Enterprise.

    So, in conclusion, the shingles really suck. Really. And I know that I’m the type who, on occasion, may tend to exaggerate my pain situation to gain sympathy. And the fact that they just randomly pop up for no real reason makes it that much better. So if you know of anyone who get the shingles, the best thing to do is to sneak up behind them and inject them with large dose of horse tranquiler. Just let them sleep the whole experience away. Do not, and I don’t think I can stress this enough, sneak up behind them and give them an Indian burn on the effected area. This will most likely cause them to die. Literally.

  • On April 16, 2012 an airline passenger was detained by the TSA due to luggage that contained two silicon breast enhancers that exceeded the TSA’s limit of 3.2 ounce limit on liquids and gels.

    Back on January 19, 2012 I made the following fake quote from the TSA after the “cupcake in a jar” ordeal:

    “And really, nobody is going to care about this whole cupcake fiasco in a few months once we instruct all of our agents to feel up women if the agent suspects her bra is constructed with more than three ounces of gel enhancing material.”

    So what do I win for predicting just how far the TSA is willing to go on their quest for security?  Oh, and by the way, the passenger in question is a cross dressing male Britney Spears impersonator and the incident occurred in the Las Vegas airport.  So maybe I didn’t guess that part quite right, but I had the overall theme going.

  • After learning of the death of Dick Clark, a group of Nigerian businessmen have been sending out numerous invitations via email to help the world deal with this unexpected loss through their latest endeavor “The $25,000 Pyramid Scheme.”

  • So I’ve been keeping up to date on this whole “CSU wants to build a new football stadium on campus even though they already have one a few miles off campus” ordeal. For everyone not up to speed on the matter, read the previous sentence.  Now that everyone is caught up, one of the proposals is to tear down two of the freshman dormitories to make space for this new structure.

    Of course everyone who watches half as many 1980’s B movies as I do knows exactly where I’m going with this:  THIS IS THE EXACT SAME PLOT AS THE MOVIE “REVENGE OF THE NERDS!”

    Anyone who doesn’t know what I’m talking about, go watch it on Netflix.  Now that everyone is caught up, how cool is that analogy?  The football coach is played by the football coach (played wonderfully by a young and slimmer John Goodman), the President of CSU is played by the dean of Adams State College.  I’m not sure who the nerds are going to be, but they will be walking up to their dorm only to see it blown up (for dramatic effect only– I don’t think dynamite would be the appropriate tool for the job) and John Goodman standing on top of a bobcat with a mega-phone telling all the new students to report to the gymnasium for their temporary housing.

    Having no other choice, the nerds will band together and fight the new stadium constructions like most conflicts in life– in a college carnival setting.  The nerds will eventually come out the winners. Lewis, the head nerd, will have sex with the hot head cheerleader (although he did the deed while pretending to be her boyfriend– I’m pretty sure that could be considered rape.)  Gilbert will find work as a emergency room doctor until he dies of a brain tumor at the end of season seven on ER.  As for the rest of the group, I think one of them was on an episode of Star Trek as an alien or something.

    So just remember– don’t underestimate the nerds.

  • I truly believe that any sleep deprivation study needs to use 10 month old children who wake up a random intervals in the middle of the night.  My second daughter, Samantha, is quite skilled at screaming at random intervals in the night for reasons completely unknown to me.

    So I took her downstairs the other night to try and calm her down, but none of the usual tricks were doing me any good.  Eventually I just sat down with her on the recliner and turned on the television.  After randomly moving through channels we both dozed off in the chair.  When I woke up I had a bunch of strange thoughts in my head such as:

    Drug cartels from south of the boarder are funding conservative super PACs to keep funding for the war on drugs
    The Rosetta Stone company is actively suppressing Esperanto for their own finical gain.
    Jimmy Carter, at night when he isn’t working on being an international peace ambassador, is a super hero whose only goal is to get the United States to convert to the metric system.

    So I’m not really sure what channel I was watching when I fell asleep, but I highly suspect it was one of those crazy 24 news channels. That, or I was watching the Colbert report commenting on these topics.  The last alternative is that I’m just strange enough to think of these things on my own.

  • I was looking through my wordpress admin page and I noticed more than 1,000 spam responses in the comments section.  By default I don’t post any of these to my site, but just for fun I looked through some of the stuff that people are trying to get on my site.  About half of the comments were in, and I’m just kind of guessing here because there were a bunch of backwards Rs and other symbols I didn’t recognize, Russian or some similar language.  If these spammers are so smart, can’t they figure out only to spam sites that at least use the same character set?

    While I was messing around with my website setup, I thought I would give the “automagically post this to my facebook page” plugin another shot.  I tried a few months ago but wasn’t able to get it to work. Here goes attempt number 2.  Engage!

  • Mitt Romney is still working to clarify his statement, “I’m not concerned about the very poor.”  On an unplanned trip to chat with reporters in the rear of his campaign jet, the former Governor of Massachusetts worked to explain his intentions of the comment in question.

    “No, no, no, no, no, no, no,” Romney proclaimed. “I was referring to the fact that the very poor have a safety net.  Let me give you an example here– I was watching television up front and witnessed a story about a pretty young homeless woman who came into the emergency room with a mysterious illness.  During her stay at the hospital she received top-notch care from the best doctors in the building and not once was refused treatment based on ability to pay.  This reassures me that our safety net is working.  Thank you Doctor House.”

  • Security screening in one major airport was completely closed today for the better part of an hour after experiencing another cupcake related incident.  A senior administrator at the TSA explained. “While we feel that we have made every effort to explain our actions related to the ‘cupcake in a jar’ incident, we would also like to ask the general public not to bring a dozen cupcake jars through security– especially when their primary ingredient appeared to be chocolate flavored laxatives.”

  • A high level administrator at the Transportation Security Administration responded to criticism when an agent recently confiscated a cupcake from an airline passenger in December because the food product in question exceeded the maximum quantities for liquid, gels, and aerosols.  A detailed explanation of the situation was posted on the official TSA blog, ending with:

    “And really, nobody is going to care about this whole cupcake fiasco in a few months once we instruct all of our agents to feel up women if the agent suspects her bra is constructed with more than three ounces of gel enhancing material.”