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Virgin Kinetics Guidebook16 years ago
All I know is that I’m not some kind of wizard. And just because the real wizard told me all of this a week before the race doesn’t mean anything.
How Computers Work Part 221 years ago
If you would like more information on the topics discussed today, please visit the nearest ancient Roman library and local abacus store.
The New Kid In Town20 years ago
Thanks to my technique of randomly driving around town for little or no specific reason I have identified many, if not all, of the points of interest Loveland, Colorado has to offer.
Asset Management13 years ago
Facing Chapter 11 bankruptcy, Chrysler announced a new “Employee Pricing Plus Plus,” incentive program Tuesday. A top executive at the automaker explained how the new system works. “Not only will employee pricing be offered for the purchase of all Chrysler, Jeep, and Dodge vehicles, but for a limited time customers will also receive an actual … Continue reading Asset Management
Lord Of The Rings17 years ago
Gandolf, you silly old man. We live in Middle Earth, but that doesn’t mean we must live in the Middle Ages.
Good Oil Boys19 years ago
The Army Corps of Engineers today released details regarding a controversial plan to rebuild Iraq’s oilfields once the military campaign has ended. While some members of Congress are questioning the ethics of awarding a seven billion dollar contract without competitive bidding to a company once run by Vice President Dick Chaney, the Bush administration replied, … Continue reading Good Oil Boys
Thoughts On The Competition21 years ago
Is this a plan of action that will advance my writing career? I'm not really sure. Could it land me in jail? Quite possibly.
Blowing In The Wind12 years ago
A recently completed offshore renewable energy facility has been put into service off the coast of Ramsgate in Kent, England. The turbines, which will generate enough electricity to power 200,000 homes, are poised to officially take over the record for largest wind farm– a record currently held by Taco Bell.
AT&T Drops Tiger NYC12 years ago
Telecommunication giant AT&T recently announced plans to drop sponsorship of Tiger Woods due to his indefinite break from professional golf and infidelity issues. AT&T has also recently stopped selling certain phones in New York City for unknown reasons. This has led Tiger and NYC to become friends on Facebook and send each other messages about … Continue reading AT&T Drops Tiger NYC
Revenge Of The Nerds: The Next Generation10 years ago
So I’ve been keeping up to date on this whole “CSU wants to build a new football stadium on campus even though they already have one a few miles off campus” ordeal. For everyone not up to speed on the matter, read the previous sentence. Now that everyone is caught up, one of the proposals … Continue reading Revenge Of The Nerds: The Next Generation
The Joy Of Shingles10 years ago
The pain in my ear can be described exactly as the scene in Star Trek when a younger, more fit, and, well, I suppose less passed away Ricardo Montelbon places mind-controlling bugs in crew members of the Enterprise.
New Ad Campaign11 years ago
Village Inn suggests you change your schedule: Sunday: Shut your pie hole Monday: Shut your pie hole Tuesday: Shut your pie hole Wednesday: Open your pie hole! Thursday: Shut your pie hole Friday: Shut your pie hole Saturday: Shut your pie hole
The War On Terror20 years ago
The once popular free music swapping service Napster declared bankruptcy this week. After hearing the news, officials at the Drug Enforcement Agency decided to indefinitely postpone their upcoming “Napster: The Gateway To Substance Abuse” television ad campaign.
Two For T8 years ago
I decided last night that when one person is in bed laying on their back and the other person is snuggled up on their side it is called “T-spooning.” Kat’s thoughts on my revelation- “Go to sleep already!”
Error Codes11 years ago
Wow, I was just looking back at my latest posts, and I realized that I haven’t posted any real updates about my personal life in a very long time. So here goes. We recently added a +1 to our family: Samatha Rose Lutfey. So now we have a total of one husband, one wife, two … Continue reading Error Codes
Blown Away14 years ago
I’m switching Internet service providers because my wireless service didn’t work well in the wind. A cable modem should improve the overall performance, and, as a bonus, my pornography will stop showing up on my neighbor’s computer.
Stay Or Go13 years ago
I watch quite a few home remodeling shows on television. The premise this idea is to find homeowners who are on the fence about moving to a new home in the same general area. A team of experts come in and talk to the homeowner about what issues they have with their current home. From … Continue reading Stay Or Go
Road Rage19 years ago
A car in Southhaven, Mississippi, ran a police checkpoint outside the arena where President Bush was speaking Saturday and rammed the building. “Despite the fact he was inside the structure at the time of the incident,” one republican at the scene pointed out, “the police force and secret service kept the President as secure as … Continue reading Road Rage
Apple Products11 years ago
In its ongoing effort to expand market share, Apple has announced plans for a new hardware platform. While most of the specifications have yet to be finalized, a press release from the company covered the basic intentions of the product line. Since the invention of the personal computer in the mid 1980s, a major demographic … Continue reading Apple Products
Relationship Tip #579 years ago
If you are dating a woman and are considering “taking things to the next level” (such as spending the rest of your lives together or lending her your spare grocery store rewards card) I would highly recommend that you do a little bit of research on the Internet and check out how she fares in … Continue reading Relationship Tip #57
Getting To The Bottom Of Things20 years ago
This week the Supreme Court heard opening arguments in a dispute between Victoria’s Secret and a similarly named Victor’s Little Secret. At issue is the Federal Trademark Dilution Act passed by Congress seven years ago. Lawyers for the lingerie giant claim Victor’s Little Secret, a single Kentucky store that sells lingerie and adult-only novelties, is … Continue reading Getting To The Bottom Of Things
Most Effective Barrier Method11 years ago
While various barrier methods of birth control have been around since the ancient Egyptians were putting up those lovely pyramids, I’ve come to realize the most effective barrier method to date. Step one: The woman lays down on the bed on the left side. She can position herself on her stomach, back, or side– whichever position … Continue reading Most Effective Barrier Method
Change I Can Believe In12 years ago
I’ve decided to report one million people live in my house on my official census form to qualify my residence as a new Congressional district. This would give me a good shot at finally getting elected to the House of Representatives, provided I can convince the dog not to vote for my wife. (note to … Continue reading Change I Can Believe In
Slowing Down In Boulder21 years ago
People covet that which is new and shiny. This universal truth has been demonstrated once again in the south suburbs of Denver, Colorado on Tuesday when hundreds of people waited for hours in the freezing early morning fog as the first Krispy Kreme store opened. I find this entertaining not because people camped out the … Continue reading Slowing Down In Boulder
Olympic Adventures Part 220 years ago
Walking into a strangers house at four in the morning and crawling into a mattress set up on the floor is a feeling I think I’ll never be completely comfortable with.
2006 Christmas Letter16 years ago
One thing leads to another, and eventually the matter is settled with a traditional “pirate dance off.”
House Calls10 years ago
Mitt Romney is still working to clarify his statement, “I’m not concerned about the very poor.” On an unplanned trip to chat with reporters in the rear of his campaign jet, the former Governor of Massachusetts worked to explain his intentions of the comment in question. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no,” Romney proclaimed. “I … Continue reading House Calls
Election Coverage20 years ago
After a close election in the Democratic nomination for governor of Florida, former Clinton administration attorney general Janet Reno conceded defeat to Tampa lawyer and first-time candidate Bill McBride. While generally cordial, she ended her concession speech by saying, “Sure, Mr. McBride seems like a nice enough guy, but when push comes to shove does … Continue reading Election Coverage
Fighting Terrorism20 years ago
Citing security concerns, officials at Pittsburgh International Airport recently dedicated a replica of a Tyrannosaurus Rex by tearing the ribbon with their hands. In a totally unrelated story, FBI agents were called to the scene when passengers boarding a flight noticed a suspicious-looking individual attempting to fit a four-foot-long pair of novelty scissors in an … Continue reading Fighting Terrorism
2012 Christmas Letter10 years ago
Once the race started my craft went about ten feet into the water at which point something happened that could best be described as “sudden massive critical widespread structural failures.”
Past My Prime9 years ago
Now I’m officially 39 years old. As I always say– The older you get, the harder it is to be a prime number.
Adventures In Europe5 years ago
The first step in planning a trip to Europe is deciding where to visit. My first idea was to map out an itinerary that faithfully recreated Matt Daemon’s adventures in the first three Borne movies. After closer examination, however, this plan requires travel to four separate continents and would probably not be suitable for small … Continue reading Adventures In Europe
Bright Eyes8 years ago
Delivering packages at the mall is making me feel old. I was at Sephora this week when one of the girls asked if I would get mad if she moved by me as I was unloading packages. I replied that I was “living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.” None of the three … Continue reading Bright Eyes
Road Trip21 years ago
Perhaps I've watched a few too many episodes of "Xena Warrior Princess."
Glass Eyes9 years ago
Newt Gingrich has been given the opportunity to be one of the very first adopters of the new Google Glass. While always a public advocate of futuristic technological advances such as robotic doctor chairs and moon colonies, Gingrich’s excitement to try out this new technology was hard to contain as he detailed the potential uses … Continue reading Glass Eyes
Irregular13 years ago
"That's a nice shirt/pair of shoes/lavishly decorated tiara"
Strange Bedfellows11 years ago
When asked about his potential Presidential campaign in 2012, Newt Gingrich replied, “This type of campaign requires a tremendous amount of planning. For example, I have barely even begun to consider who will be my wife this time around.”
Tex-Ass Rangers19 years ago
The U.S. Supreme Court declared unconstitutional a Texas “homosexual conduct” law which imposes a $500 fine for same-sex couples who engage in oral and anal sex. When asked about President Bush’s views on the matter, soon-to-be ex-White House Spokesman Ari Fleischer commented, “The President is actually quite pleased with this decision. Now nobody on Capitol … Continue reading Tex-Ass Rangers
Another Clark Joke10 years ago
After learning of the death of Dick Clark, a group of Nigerian businessmen have been sending out numerous invitations via email to help the world deal with this unexpected loss through their latest endeavor “The $25,000 Pyramid Scheme.”
Vacuum Upgrade2 months ago
I worked on this all day and now it sucks!
Gods Playing Poker20 years ago
Jesus: Just this morning I produced my image in a tortilla in a small town in eastern Texas. Thor: I've always admired you for that.
Save Some Bills11 years ago
Former President Bill Clinton said the United States could save more than $1 trillion a year by adopting any other advanced nation’s healthcare system. “That has to be one of the biggest lies that man has ever told to the American public” replied the group of people who get paid an extra trillion dollars a … Continue reading Save Some Bills
Blow By Blow19 years ago
Pop singer Bobby Brown has been charged with battery after a weekend domestic dispute with his wife, singing star and actress Whitney Houston, left her with facial injuries. When questioned about the incident, Brown explained how the whole situation was just a simple misunderstanding. “All night long she just kept asking for a good smacking, … Continue reading Blow By Blow
Burning Issues20 years ago
Betty Bullock started smoking when she was seventeen and was diagnosed with lung cancer that has since spread to her liver. This week a jury awarded her $28 billion in damages after she sued Philip Morris for fraud and negligence. As a result of this court action, millions of people across the country are reconsidering … Continue reading Burning Issues
Lisa Loeb13 years ago
There aren’t too many famous people I would want to meet in person, but I thought I would keep track of who I would like to meet for lunch. Lisa Loeb: OK, she is rather pleasing to the eye (or at least both of mine), but what really won me over was her short lived … Continue reading Lisa Loeb
Hair Daze20 years ago
For reasons I don't completely understand, my hair doesn't succumb to the traditional forces of gravity.
To Tell The Truth21 years ago
Unfortunately, the very nature of the Cosmos doesn’t always provide clear cut answers.
Flu’s Clues13 years ago
avoid any impromptu "Hands Across America" events.
How Do I Annoy Thee?20 years ago
Since my schedule as a writer is quite flexible, I often submit to my nocturnal tendencies and end up doing things at somewhat odd hours.
Hot Potato19 years ago
A 6-foot tall, 150-pound Mr. Potato Head statue once used by the Rhode Island Tourism Division was stolen Friday from the driveway of a private home in Newport, Rhode Island. After hearing the news, the search for a 6-foot tall letter “E” was initiated by former Vice President Dan Quayle.
Santa Fe8 years ago
Here are some interesting and possibly true and/or false facts about this city.
Getting Published13 years ago
Kind of like putting a rubber band around the trigger of the pull out sprayer at the kitchen sink so when the next person turns on the water it shoots straight at their chest.
Stephen Colbert Title Sequence10 years ago
“Mi-partison”, “My-partison”, and/or “Mypartison” are my submissions for the next word in Stephen Colbert’s “The Colbert Report.” I’m not sure exactly how to spell it since I just made up the word, but that is besides the point. For those who aren’t up on Comedy Central’s talk shows, every now and then a new phrase is … Continue reading Stephen Colbert Title Sequence
In Business News20 years ago
Xerox recently admitted to overstating revenue by 1.9 billion over the past 5 years. Attempts to destroy potentially damaging information proved unsuccessful when the copier, instead of mangling documents beyond recognition, produced clean and easy-to-read duplicates.
Monkey Business19 years ago
Michael Jackson was briefly hospitalized after suffering what a Jackson family lawyer called a “reaction to lawsuits.” A Jackson family doctor, speaking on the condition of anonymity, reclassified the condition as a “reaction to monkey feces.”
Star Wreck13 years ago
Not everyone keeps as up to date on Finnish Star Trek parodies as they probably should. That’s exactly why I run this website. Ever wonder what happens when 5 Finns, 300 extras, and whole bunch of computing power get mixed together for seven years? The answer is “Star Wreck,” a parody of “Star Trek: The … Continue reading Star Wreck
2011 Christmas Letter11 years ago
As was the case with Isabel’s birth, I looked stunning in the white sterile body suit I wore during the birthing procedure.
Breaking News9 years ago
I hurt my back last week opening the rear door of my UPS truck. The chiropractor took x-rays of my spine and explained how a healthy back should curve like the letter “S”. My back looked more like a combination of a treble clef and the unpronounceable symbol used by the artist formerly known as … Continue reading Breaking News
2004 Christmas Letter18 years ago
I’ve managed to keep myself busy with a new job, new house, and new electronic gadgetry.
Worth Every Penny10 years ago
Years ago, Stephen Hawking bet a fellow scientist from the University of Michigan $100 that the Higgs Boson particle would never be discovered. In an interview with the BBC, Hawking said: “It seems I have just lost $100.” On Wednesday, scientists from the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) announced the discovery of the Higgs Boson … Continue reading Worth Every Penny
A Tangled Web12 years ago
Designing a website consisted mostly of looking at other people's websites and stealing their source code.
2016 Christmas Letter6 years ago
Countless people– well, OK, maybe three or four– have been asking about what happened to my 2015 Christmas Letter. Was I abducted by aliens who erased my memories? Perhaps, but I have no way of knowing. Was I too lazy to spend 0.03% of the time I’m on my computer to stop playing Candy Crush … Continue reading 2016 Christmas Letter
Always bet on black. Or was that red? Green maybe?9 years ago
In an effort to make our schools safer from violence, action movie star Steven Seagal is training 40 volunteers in Forrest Hills, Arizona to become armed guards in public schools. In other news, H&R Block is offering to let customers have their tax returns prepared by Wesley Snipes.
Buildin Better Townhomes13 years ago
I would try this myself, but I would like to avoid a lengthy legal dispute with my homeowner's association.
iPhone Sex App13 years ago
However, the application has led to many complaints from users saying the iPhone is either the wrong shape or that the docking port is way, way too small.
The Postman Always Rings Twice13 years ago
…but the UPS guy is already driving away by the time you put down the remote control, get your butt off the couch, dust the potato chips off your stomach, and walk over to the front door.
2022 Goals: The Streets Or Capitol Hill11 years ago
After giving it a bit of thought, I’ve decided on some possible goals for the next 10 years. At the moment I’ve got two somewhat different directions:Create a trumpet, baritone, and tuba playing and singing street performance troupe. I used to play the baritone in high school marching band, so I just need a trumpet … Continue reading 2022 Goals: The Streets Or Capitol Hill
Mission Possible7 years ago
So I’m sitting here in my home on a quiet Saturday morning before anyone else has woken up thinking about things I want to accomplish in my lifetime. Here are a few randomly selected items on my list: Make a complete list of everything I want to accomplish in my lifetime (so I will know … Continue reading Mission Possible
I Could Write For Robot Chicken13 years ago
I’m a big fan of Robot Chicken on the Cartoon Network. It combines stop motion animation with CGI to create short (sometimes just a few seconds) sketch comedy. Here are two ideas for very short skits: A courtroom setting. An older woman in a black leather jacket is on the witness stand being questioned by … Continue reading I Could Write For Robot Chicken
Free Bird19 years ago
Pop singer Rachel Farris and her independent record label are embedding mini-CDs in the lids of 4.8 million soft drink cups to be distributed at movie theaters and amusement parks. One music executive, who asked to remain anonymous, commented on this unique promotion, “As an industry, we want to send the message that we can … Continue reading Free Bird
Office Aids20 years ago
Bill Gates recently announced two large monetary investments in India. The founder of Microsoft is donating $100 million to fight AIDS and investing another $400 million to promote Microsoft products in the developing nation. Critics point out this action will do little more than eliminate one virus and replace it with another.
Internet Killed The TV Star8 years ago
I showed my kids “Video Killed the Radio Star” on YouTube today. This song has the honor of being the first video ever played on MTV. In a related story, MTV has announced it will play it’s very last music video later on this year.
Stalling Repairs19 years ago
The Los Angeles School District plans to spend $10 million to repair school restrooms after a TV report showed facilities that were dirty, broken down, or even locked. While many supporters describe the action as desperately needed, a small group of California taxpayers describe the plan as little more than throwing money down the toilet.
How Computers Work Part 321 years ago
And don't worry too much about the evil alien robot monkeys. The odds of them suddenly materializing in your bedroom are rather slim.
Stock Up On AOL8 years ago
In a recent press release, AOL announced their latest plan to turn the company around. “We have come a long way since we revolutionized dial-up service in the 1990’s. Customers take their 4G enabled cell phones and call a local number that connects them directly to an AOL phone line. Once the connection is established, … Continue reading Stock Up On AOL
This Old Crack House19 years ago
If you would like to build a meth lab in your house, a set of measured drawings is available on our website.
Trip To Pennsylvania21 years ago
Their experience seemed quite disorienting and nauseating, which is exactly why they found it entertaining beyond description.
In Political News20 years ago
Speaking at the foot of Mount Rushmore, President Bush took time out of his four-week working vacation to criticize congress on the issue of Homeland Security. “The Democrats in the Senate are intentionally limiting… [LOOKS AT TV MONITOR] Whoa, hey, look at this– my head is the same size as those up on the side … Continue reading In Political News
How Computers Work Part 621 years ago
The packaging of the product in stores proclaimed the game of Pong to be, "Virtual reality fourth dimension alien space tennis with real lasers."
Heading Out To San Francisco19 years ago
NOTE TO SELF: Come up with a witty and insightful "Rice-a-roni" joke to end the paragraph
In High Technology19 years ago
Microsoft Corporation recently announced plans to enhance everyday objects such as watches and refrigerator magnets. These devices will provide users with up-to-date information regarding sports scores, traffic reports, and, somewhere down the road, home power outages and threats at your children’s school. When asked about this new technology, Microsoft founder Bill Gates commented, “While I’m … Continue reading In High Technology
Back To The Future, Part 412 years ago
"You built a time machine out of a UPS TRUCK?"
Xmas Party Story21 years ago
If you happen to be familiar with my annual Christmas letter you may be scratching your head thinking, “But Omar, it’s not anywhere near the end of the year– how can you already be posting your Christmas letter?” I decided that publishing my Christmas letter only once a year is not consistent with my idiom … Continue reading Xmas Party Story
Only The Good Die Young18 years ago
Music superstar Billy Joel married his 23-year-old fiancée Saturday in a small ceremony in Long Island, New York. When asked about the nature of their relationship, the young bride explained, “I have always respected and admired Billy’s musical abilities for as long as I can remember. In fact, when I told my mother we were … Continue reading Only The Good Die Young
Dog Park20 years ago
Maybe I'm developing self-esteem issues here-- sometimes I really wonder why these two dogs are so excited by my presence.
Getting Dumped20 years ago
Henry doesn’t worry about hooking up stereo speakers or rifling through boxes trying to find a clean pair of underwear.
Driving Me Up The Wall-E9 years ago
So I’m watching Wall-e (again) and now I’m trying to figure out how exactly he hooked up a 1980’s VCR to a first generation iPod to watch “Hello Dolly.” I think it is safe to say that I’ve watched this movie about 100 times beyond the recommended lifetime allowance for any adult male human.
You Know You Are An Insomniac If21 years ago
Just to set the record straight, calculators have the 1,2,3 row on the bottom row while telephones put it on the top row.
Annoying Janet20 years ago
Now I’m not saying we peed “on” one of the most famous museums in the world, but I’m not going to say we didn’t pee “in the general vicinity” of said structure.
2017 Christmas Letter5 years ago
I think the best approach is to assume the quality of the instructions is adequate at best and for a completely different type of product in the worst case.
Newfunny Consulting LLC20 years ago
Reality check here Omar, nobody is going to pay you money for your stupid Taco Bell song!
2013 Christmas Letter9 years ago
The older you get, the harder it is to be a prime number.
Latest Addition13 years ago
I put off talking about this topic because there seemed to be so much wedding stuff to blog about, but here is the official news: Katherine is pregnant and due to deliver in mid December. Here is our first ultrasound, taken May 6, 2009. I was going to scan this into my computer, but it … Continue reading Latest Addition
High Hopes18 years ago
Three University of Cincinnati have spent the past two years designing and building a rocket that, with the help of NASA, will be launched over the Atlantic and is designed to reach and altitude of 30,000 feet. When asked about the amount of effort needed to complete the project, one of the students replied, “Sure, … Continue reading High Hopes
One Large French Fry19 years ago
The continuing heat wave in Europe has reportedly led to 3,000 deaths in France. While neighboring countries called on military forces to help deal with the problem, France has been busy drafting a United Nations proposal asking the local climate to refrain from being so hot.
Spice Rack20 years ago
Police in London arrested five people on Saturday for allegedly plotting to kidnap Spice Girl Victoria Beckham and hold her for a $7.8 million ransom. In a related note, authorities are still investigating the theft of the group’s music career.
Corporate Farmville12 years ago
Welcome to the latest Facebook application! For the 25,000,000 fans of the original Farmville, we now introduce the next generation: Corporate Farmville! While planting and tending to small plots of land has its own unique charm, Corporate Farmville takes the entire process to the next level. Start the game by incorporating your business in a state … Continue reading Corporate Farmville
Horse Play9 years ago
I was talking with my chiropractor the other day about “horse punching” in movies. He said they use trip wires to knock the horse over which seems pretty cruel to the animal. While he was twisting my neck back and forth I made the reassuring observation that “at least with today’s computer animation technology any … Continue reading Horse Play
Twelve Steps To Becoming A Lounge Singer21 years ago
The misspelled words were few, the grammatical errors were minor, and I even managed to make the idea of gratuitously beating up a helpless old Dutch man seem funny.
Berlin21 years ago
Say what you want about communism, but they are light years ahead of us in personal hot dog vending devices.
Come On Holmes12 years ago
I watched “Holmes on Homes” on HGTV last night. Mike Holmes travels to people’s houses to repair shady contractor projects gone awry. Now he can finally quit his part time job working security detail for that Dexy’s Midnight Runners tribute band.
Supporting Children20 years ago
President Bush signed into law legislation to create a new kids-safe domain on the internet. The “.kids.us” domain will contain content acceptable for children under the age of 13. When the president signed the bill, he went on record saying, “I support this child net safety law– especially after I saw that musical fella dangling … Continue reading Supporting Children
Living It Up20 years ago
A recent study found more pedestrians died on California streets than any other state in the nation. Last year, 731 pedestrians were killed in the Golden State. North Dakota came in dead last with three pedestrian fatalities. The study noted, however, that the rankings were reversed for the number of people who died of boredom.
Me– Being Productive?21 years ago
I also engage in a vast array of interesting—if somewhat more mainstream—activities. Just the other day, for example, I ran my dishwasher.
Annoying Sleeping Habits20 years ago
NOTE TO SELF: eat two more chocolate eclairs before bed to fulfill the recommended daily allowance of vanilla goo
Barrel Of Monkeys14 years ago
A report in the December 2007 issue of Animal Behavior claims male monkeys pay for sex with grooming services. After a twenty month observation of the monkeys, one researcher concluded, “Despite the rather conclusive evidence that monkeys pay for these services, we still advise the general public to avoid monkeys who try to pay for … Continue reading Barrel Of Monkeys
Wealth Tip9 years ago
Welcome to part seven of my randomly ordered, finite but arbitrary large set of financial tips: Hoard food coupons that do not contain expiration dates. If started early and executed properly, this method will provide free food between the years of 65 and 103.
More Kinetics20 years ago
For the second year in a row I saw not a single article of women’s clothing constructed from fruit despite my detailed explanation of how to construct a watermelon bra on my web site last year
Breaking New Ground17 years ago
President Bush visited Mongolia Monday to cap off his multi-nation Asian tour. When asked how it felt to be the first sitting US President to visit the former communist nation, the Commander in Chief replied, “I thought we were stopping for lunch at a Mongolian BBQ place– I didn’t realize we were stopping at the … Continue reading Breaking New Ground
Breaking The Law19 years ago
Officials in China are responding to the SARS epidemic by threatening possible execution for individuals who do not comply with quarantines and other travel restrictions. One high-ranking Texan Republican commented, “Boy, I wish we could do something like that to the Democrats right about now.”
Year In Review20 years ago
Investigating obscure but unsolved mathematical problems has always been a hobby of mine.
Crunch Time12 years ago
AOL said on Tuesday that it was buying the influential technology news blog TechCrunch for a reported $25 million dollars in order to bolster its growing online editorial business. When asked about plans for their latest purchase, a high ranking AOL official replied, “Based on our previous acquisitions, we plan on throwing away everything useful … Continue reading Crunch Time
Eight: Moderately Annoying Sins20 years ago
John springs into action when customers tear off one banana from the bunch and put the lone piece of fruit back on the display.
Thai Cheap16 years ago
A project to provide $100 laptop computers to poor children around the world is about to take a step forward. Thaiwan’s Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra announced that “if this project is completed” it would reach all Thai elementary students. With the exception, of course, of the children who are too busy working in the $100 … Continue reading Thai Cheap
Houston17 years ago
NASA unveiled plans on Monday to return humans to the moon by 2018 at a cost of $104 billion as recently demanded by President Bush. One anonymous member of congress commented, “I think we need to form a commission and find out who is responsible for, sometime during his latest vacation, letting our Commander-In-Chief watch … Continue reading Houston
Heavy Reading16 years ago
The hottest book on Amazon.com this week described the efforts of a morbidly obese man to become a functioning member of society once again. The title of the book is, “How I Lost 749 Pounds But Found It In The Sofa Cushions.”
Aw, Snap!8 years ago
After reportedly turning down a three billion dollar buyout offer from Facebook for their service that sends messages which disappear seconds after being read, the leaders of Snapchat are facing new issues after hackers exploited a weakness in the software that allowed them to download the usernames and phone numbers of 4.6 million users. When … Continue reading Aw, Snap!
Another Dot Com21 years ago
I get a lot of inside information about up-and-coming web sites. And I'm not just talking about unsolicited e-mail I get on my AOL account
Judge Dread17 years ago
Continuing his unbridled assault on the nation’s judicial system, House Majority leader Tom Delay voiced strong criticism for Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, noting that Kennedy was guilty of “writing decisions based upon international law… and doing his own research on the Internet.” Delay finished his statement saying, “What happened to the good old days … Continue reading Judge Dread
Mr. Watson, Come Here11 years ago
After becoming bored beating almost all of the humans on the planet at the game show Jeopardy, the supercomputer known as Watson will start entertaining himself by creating a billion fake tweets every day. Twitter followers, after discovering the situation, by in large decide the fake tweets are more interesting than the real ones and … Continue reading Mr. Watson, Come Here
Fixing The Leak5 years ago
Depending on the outcome of the upcoming Ecuadorian Presidential election, Wikileaks founder Julian Assange may need to find a new place to live. Assange has been living in the Ecuador Embassy in London since 2012 to avoid facing sexual assault charges in Sweden and the possibility extradition the the United States to answer to espionage charges. Guillermo … Continue reading Fixing The Leak
IGF15 years ago
If you answered “Yes” or “No” to any of these questions, or if you haven’t changed the channel yet, you need the IGF 3000!
Skyrocketing Ambitions17 years ago
The House Friday overwhelmingly endorsed President Bush’s vision to send man back to the lunar surface as it passed a bill to set NASA policy for the next two years. Speaking anonymously, one Democratic congressman commented, “Maybe, just maybe, things will get better down here if we let the President focus on invading the moon.”
Try Rebooting9 years ago
President Obama has chosen a former Microsoft executive, Kurt DelBene, to replace Jeffrey D. Zients as head of the effort to finish repairs on the government’s health insurance website, administration officials said on Tuesday. “I’m bringing in years of experience to turn this project around,” commented DelBene. “We want to create a website that is … Continue reading Try Rebooting
Output Error12 years ago
I’m not going to name names, but SOMEONE decided to make a big mess, and I mean really, really unpleasant stuff, in her diaper RIGHT AFTER she spit up all over my favorite Battlestar Galactica shirt while I was trying to watch the season finale of Caprica. OK, it was Isabel.
1996 Christmas Letter26 years ago
The earth and the sun have once again completed another round of their cosmic tag team, no holds barred wrestling match which means it is time for the second annual publication of my Christmas letter. My goal for this year is to have at least three people (including myself) read this letter. I am sure … Continue reading 1996 Christmas Letter
Suspicious Cups10 years ago
A high level administrator at the Transportation Security Administration responded to criticism when an agent recently confiscated a cupcake from an airline passenger in December because the food product in question exceeded the maximum quantities for liquid, gels, and aerosols. A detailed explanation of the situation was posted on the official TSA blog, ending with: “And … Continue reading Suspicious Cups
Having Kids Ruined My Netflix Account10 years ago
This is really more of a problem with Netflix than my kids. While I go off to work my kids like to watch stuff like “The Cat in the Hat” and “The Mickey Mouse Fun House.” Which is fine, but then we put the kids to bed, come downstairs, and fire up Netflix only to … Continue reading Having Kids Ruined My Netflix Account
Conservative Weather Channel20 years ago
While the liberal news bias has been well documented for many years now, most people are ignorant of how it has crept into the weather reports.
Escape To New York13 years ago
Nothing promotes tourism more than locking the bathrooms when people might be interested in using them.
The Dog Days Of Summer20 years ago
But enough about my roommate's chromatically symmetrical eyes-- this is a story about the dogs.
Future SNL Weekend Update Joke11 years ago
Republicans in Congress are attempting to eliminate funding for a federal program which provides low income women basic reproductive services such as low-cost cervical and breast cancer screening. “Hey, maybe these guys aren’t so bad after all.” commented the Taliban.
Sleep Deprivation10 years ago
The Rosetta Stone company is actively suppressing Esperanto for their own finical gain.
Another Exciting Friday Night9 years ago
My ongoing quest to get our DVD collection onto a network drive took a big step forward last night. I found a gizmo on Amazon that lets me turn an old USB drive into a network drive. Now I have someplace to download all of our movies that the Playstation 3 can recognize. This means … Continue reading Another Exciting Friday Night
Olympic Adventures Part 120 years ago
Despite my incredibly hectic schedule, I have managed to violate the known laws of physics by tearing a hole in the space time continuum large enough to permit a brief trip to the upcoming Olympics.
Law Of Averages11 years ago
“So I asked my girlfriend how she would rate me in bed, and she said I was average. What a let down.” “But aren’t you the only one she has ever slept with?” “What’s your point?”
2005 Christmas Letter17 years ago
I made a promise to myself never to wear a tuxedo after my disastrous prom experience my junior year of high school.
2012 Review9 years ago
My resolution for 2013 is to finally get invited to a masquerade party. Sci-fi themed or otherwise.
House Rules16 years ago
Immigration legislation has been stalled in Congress due to policy decisions regarding existing illegal immigrants. One Republican Senator went on record saying, “we could get a lot more done here if the Democrats stopped calling us Nazis every time we try to forcibly remove twelve million minorities from our country.”
Spring Time13 years ago
I'm not sure if it was real rustic or fake rustic-- around here it could go either way.
Love Crimes15 years ago
In a recent radio address, President Bush promoted a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriages. Even though current Federal law defines marriage as a union between a man and a woman, the President said we must “counteract a few activist judges insisting on imposing their arbitrary will on the people– because we all know that’s … Continue reading Love Crimes
Ode To Mr. Squishy Ball21 years ago
Try using the phrase "severe rectal itch" without it being funny.
Wall Eyed19 years ago
China’s first man in space said the Earth looked beautiful from his orbiting capsule but he couldn’t find the Great Wall. “I tried to see it,” Yang Liwei told reporters, “but when I booked the flight I could only get an aisle seat. The gentleman next to the window closed the blind so he could … Continue reading Wall Eyed
In Medical News20 years ago
A report issued by the British Medical Journal casts doubts on the effectiveness of providing men with annual prostate exams. Prostate cancer can be slow growing and may never actually threaten the patient’s life. While less than one percent of the individuals in the study benefited from the exam, ten percent of the men considered … Continue reading In Medical News
Handicapped20 years ago
Quite a few people have asked me, "What's it like to have a girlfriend who is missing a finger?"
How Computers Work Part 121 years ago
While not the most powerful of computers, fingers are still the most widely used computational machine in the world today.
Lawyer Who8 years ago
As a new season of Doctor Who is upon us, producers of the show are being tight lipped about episode story lines. Despite the increased security around this topic, the two part season finale will center around the Dalek invading the United States in an attempt to destroy the economy by simultaneously filing 100 million … Continue reading Lawyer Who
Do Pennies Make Our Lives Better?22 years ago
Until last week I considered myself neutral on the entire penny issue. A recently published report sponsored by Americans for Common Cents (a pro-penny group backed by zinc companies) documents the effects if the Federal government were to take pennies out of circulation. Some of these negative consequences includes an effective 600 million dollar “rounding … Continue reading Do Pennies Make Our Lives Better?
In Business News20 years ago
Xerox recently admitted to overstating revenue by 1.9 billion over the past 5 years. Attempts to destroy potentially damaging information proved unsuccessful when the copier, instead of mangling documents beyond recognition, produced clean and easy-to-read duplicates.
X Marks The Spot1 year ago
Starship will land successfully once SpaceX creates enough footage for their "How Not To Land A Starship" montage video.
Moving Excitement20 years ago
You have drawn the happy squirrel card. You need to make some big changes in your life, my friend
Home Sweet Home18 years ago
As if I didn't have enough to keep me busy between not getting fired at work and arranging my Netflix movie queue on the Internet
Wood Masters9 years ago
Tiger Wood’s girlfriend Lindsey Vonn plans to accompany the number one ranked golfer at the year’s Masters tournament. When asked about Wood’s past relationships, she commented, “Does anyone know exactly what happened? As far as I can tell it was just a case of he said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she … Continue reading Wood Masters
Parade Skit16 years ago
our Kinetics theme was too liberal for Boulder
In Exotic Motorcycle News19 years ago
Dodge recently unveiled a new prototype motorcycle. Sitting on four wheels and sporting a 10 cylinder Viper engine, the machine can accelerate from 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds and has an estimated top speed of 400 miles per hour. A slightly less impressive statistic was recorded, however, when the vehicle had to stop for … Continue reading In Exotic Motorcycle News
Turning 3018 years ago
For the first seven or eight years I knew my friend Brian, he kept telling me the word sopapilla meant “soup thief”
A Room With A View13 years ago
Condemned killer Kenneth Biros could become the first person in the country put to death with a single dose of an intravenous anesthetic instead of the usual — and faster-acting — process if his execution proceeds Tuesday. This new process is believed to be more humane than the previous method of strapping the individual into … Continue reading A Room With A View
24 UPS Commercial13 years ago
This is another idea I’ve come up with for a new UPS commercial. The entire commercial is similar to the style of the television show “24,” with views of different scenes at the same point in time. Voice Over: “The following takes place between 5:00 P.M. and 9:00 A.M.” A timer appears at the bottom … Continue reading 24 UPS Commercial
Caged In20 years ago
Less than four months after getting married, Lisa Marie Presley and Nicolas Cage have filed for divorce. While Cage only issued a terse comment on the matter, Michel Jackson held an elaborate press conference where he proudly announced, “I knew that if I cranked up my freakiness she would be irresistibly drawn back to the … Continue reading Caged In
Climbing the Wal12 years ago
Wal-Mart Stores Inc., the nation’s largest private employer, plans to end automatic profit-sharing contributions for its employees in a revamp of its benefits package. A Human Resource representative for the company explained the changes. “Now, instead of giving money to all those employees over and over again, we are going to give these people a … Continue reading Climbing the Wal
Keeping A Stiff Upper Lip19 years ago
Massachusetts Senator and potential President candidate John Kerry recently underwent surgery at John Hopkins Hospital to remove a cancerous prostate. One of the doctors involved provided an assessment of the situation. “The cancer was caught in an early stage, but the procedure is not without risk. The slightest mistake could leave the Senator as impotent … Continue reading Keeping A Stiff Upper Lip
Secret Agenda20 years ago
Four protesters with PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) recently disrupted the taping of Victoria’s Secrets Fashion Show by rushing the catwalk with protest signs. The event continued after security whisked the women off the stage and out of the building. After the show, a Victoria’s Secrets executive commented, “I’m not sure why … Continue reading Secret Agenda
Interview With Ertok21 years ago
A lot of newfunny readers are curious to learn more about Ertok. For those of you who are new to the site, Ertok is an Evil Alien Overlord that oversees my work on the newfunny web site. The Evil Alien Overlords are planning to enslave the human race and create a planetary network of mining … Continue reading Interview With Ertok
Going Down20 years ago
Still working damage control, Senator Trent Lott recently appeared on Black Entertainment Television to apologize for recent racially insensitive comments. While many viewers found his thirty-minute speech unconvincing, the Senate Republican leader generally received high marks for his introductory break-dance routine.
Chronic Pain19 years ago
Hundreds of people in England are being recruited to take Cannabis after operations. In the clinical study, 400 patients will test a Cannabis-based prototype produced by GW Pharmaceuticals to determine the drug’s effectiveness in reducing post-operative pain. The announcement of this study sent the companies stock up 7.5 percent to a two-month high. The stock … Continue reading Chronic Pain
Heat Pump12 months ago
As with so many revolutionary ideas, this one started as a butcher paper doodle while waiting for our food at Macaroni Grill. Anyone who has taken apart as many air conditioning units as I have knows these are by no means trivial devices. In an effort to help rescue humanity from environmental self destruction, I … Continue reading Heat Pump
Taking Care Of Business13 years ago
The shit really hit the fan today at work, so I confronted my supervisor and told him that somebody doesn’t know how to use that new high-tech bidet they put in the men’s bathroom.
Hertz So Good9 years ago
Notice to all Hertz rental offices in Northern California: After a complete analysis of our operation over the past decade, we have found a disturbing trend that has accounted for a disproportionate amount of revenue loss in the Northern California division. It appears that one organization has been responsible for a vast majority of our damage claims. … Continue reading Hertz So Good
Mom, I Want To Grow Up And Be A Lounge Singer21 years ago
While I'm not sure if I'll ever become an actual lounge singer, I do like to entertain the thought when I'm stuck in traffic or trying to get my computer to submit to my will.
DVD Lo Down19 years ago
Forty-two million pirated CDs and DVDs were destroyed in Beijing as Chinese authorities demonstrated their commitment to enforce international copyright laws. One movie executive in the United States commented, “While this is a step in the right direction, a closer examination of the situation showed an overwhelming majority of the pirated material was the movie … Continue reading DVD Lo Down
I should Be An SNL Writer13 years ago
Here was a joke on Thursday’s Saturday Night Live: A man in Massachusetts who used a pellet gun to steal a hot dog from another man in the park has been sentenced to 18 months in prison. And just for future reference, stealing a guys wallet can buy you lots of hot dogs. Here is … Continue reading I should Be An SNL Writer
Music Notes20 years ago
Singer David Lee Roth is suing his former Van Halen band mates. The suit alleges members of the band robbed him of royalty money through a 1996 contract with Warner Bros. When asked about the legal proceedings, Roth said, “Woooo! I’m back in the spotlight, and ready to ROCK!!!”
Free Bird17 years ago
President Bush pardoned two turkeys, Stars and Stripes, during the annual White House Thanksgiving tradition. When asked about the status of those who did not receive clemency and are still being held at undisclosed locations around the world, the President replied, “I want to be clear on this– we do not torture… Let’s just say … Continue reading Free Bird
Fun And Games21 years ago
While most people think of me as a mere computer geek, the truth is that my obsession with the less popular aspects of general amusement span the entire technological spectrum. I can entertain myself for indefinite amounts of time with the time honored tradition of poking at things with a stick. At the other extreme, … Continue reading Fun And Games
How Computers Work Part 820 years ago
One theory on how computers work involves groups of small gnomes that run around inside the case using enchanted spells to obey the will of the users.
Dish It Up13 years ago
Dear Dish Network, As one of your faithful customers for the past five years, I thought I would take a few minutes and tell you how to run your business. I do watch a moderate amount of television, and therefore I feel qualified to give advice to a multi-billion dollar high-tech communications company. First of … Continue reading Dish It Up
2009 Christmas Letter13 years ago
I would recommend to anyone who likes cake to go to a bakery that specializes in wedding cakes and pretend you are getting married.
Ghost Protocol9 years ago
Snapchat, the high-tech start up that lets users transmit text messages and images that disappear a few seconds after being sent, has recently turned down a $3 billion dollar offer from Facebook. When asked for a comment on the situation a high ranking yet unnamed official at the company replied, “We believe that there is … Continue reading Ghost Protocol
Jacked Up19 years ago
President Bush today reiterated that time is running out for Saddam Hussein. The Commander in Chief compared the situation to “a rerun of a bad movie and I’m not interested in watching.” The President summed up his speech by saying, “I want to watch a fun, new movie– preferably that one with the wacky computer-generated … Continue reading Jacked Up
Undertaking In Iraq19 years ago
President Bush recently declared that rebuilding Iraq will be a “massive and long-term undertaking.” The White House Press Secretary elaborated, “To put this in perspective, it is way more important than rebuilding our nation’s economy, but slightly less important than rebuilding the President’s re-election war chest.”
Divide And Conquer20 years ago
Kristin just rolled her eyes at my suggestion to combine the two and name it “Sandwiches Good Enough For Jehovah.”
Gas And Bloating13 years ago
The time line for former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin’s pet project involving a natural gas pipeline across Alaska has recently come into question. Despite recent increases in the price of this abundant resource in the state, many experts are questioning when, if ever, the project will be completed. To save on construction costs, Palin’s plan … Continue reading Gas And Bloating
I Just Knew It Was Going To Happen10 years ago
On April 16, 2012 an airline passenger was detained by the TSA due to luggage that contained two silicon breast enhancers that exceeded the TSA’s limit of 3.2 ounce limit on liquids and gels. Back on January 19, 2012 I made the following fake quote from the TSA after the “cupcake in a jar” ordeal: … Continue reading I Just Knew It Was Going To Happen
Word On The Street20 years ago
Paramount Pictures recently announced plans for a motion picture based on the 1980s Fox television drama “21 Jump Street.” Plans call for the return of some original cast members and a heavy dose of computer-generated effects to turn Richard Grieko back into an undercover high school student.
Eye Of The Tiger11 years ago
Recently unemployed actor Charlie Sheen announced plans for a stand-up tour in Chicago and Detroit. “Tickets will be free,” explains Sheen, “But before the show we will pass around collection plates. Once I get at least two million dollars, then I’ll start the show.”
Groundhog Days21 years ago
This whole situation started, like so many of my stories, with me innocently sitting on my couch watching television.
Omar And Katherine Lutfey13 years ago
I took my car to the shop to get the driver's side power window fixed, a saw my doctor for my annual check-up, oh, yeah, and I went and married Katherine.
2020 Christmas Letter2 years ago
If I ever end up murdered from a shattered "Best In Show" DVD being lodged in my neck and/or eye sockets, it was TOTALLY my wife.
Kinetics: In The Beginning16 years ago
Completing the race dressed up as, say, a medieval wizard riding on a purple, fire breathing dragon, now that’s doing it in STYLE.
Brown Collar Song13 years ago
When I was just a young boyI didn’t know what to doBouncing through jobsDrifting without a clue Then one day my purpose became clearI felt a few inches tallerThe very first timeI wore the brown collar So now I go door to doorJust a spreading my wordMy presence is knownWhen I’m not seen or heard … Continue reading Brown Collar Song
Putting His Finger On The Problem14 years ago
My doctor’s prostate exam really left an impression on me. And by that I mean that all my poop is shaped like his finger.
Tesla News5 years ago
When asked how he balances work and family life, SpaceX founder Elon Musk explained how he makes an effort to find common ground. “For example, I spent the last forth of July with my children and we all put our heads together and came up with a system for reusable fireworks.”
2002 Christmas Letter20 years ago
I wanted to say "beard Nair," but I wrote "bread Nair." I don't think either product currently exists.
Fat Bottomed Girls19 years ago
The National Institute of Health released a report stating that while American children are becoming more obese, they are less likely to become pregnant or engage in violent activity. One of the researchers concluded, “If you want to keep your son out of school-yard fights and your daughter from getting knocked up, make sure they … Continue reading Fat Bottomed Girls
Turning 408 years ago
So I finished turning 40 on Thursday. The biggest difference I’ve noticed is that when I deliver packages in the trailer park the trampy women aren’t throwing themselves at me like they did when I was 39 earlier in the week.
chess2 months ago
This was a good challenge to make sharp inside corners.
UPS Superbowl Commercial15 years ago
Sunday early morning local news program. The stadium crew is busy setting up chairs in the middle of Investco Field. News anchor: … and preparations are underway for what is expected to be largest single event at Investco Field… (Quick Channel Change) Mid-morning: News reporter standing next to the highway at I-70 and the Kansas … Continue reading UPS Superbowl Commercial
Black Remote Technology13 years ago
Who wants to save electricity? Or from a more pragmatic perspective: Who wants to save money? By far the best first step in reducing a home utility bill is to buy compact fluorescent light bulbs to replace less efficient incandescent bulbs. These CFL bulbs used to be quite pricey, but I just checked on Amazon.com … Continue reading Black Remote Technology
All By Four11 years ago
I had to explain some car stuff to my wife today. The difference between “four wheel drive” and “all wheel drive” is as follows: In a four wheel drive car the power from the engine is transferred to each wheel to improve traction and handling. All wheel drive does much the same thing, but the … Continue reading All By Four
Alien Encounters19 years ago
A group of scientists in Australia have concluded that the number of stars in the known universe is roughly 70 sextillion. For those unfamiliar with these types of numbers, a sextillion is the number one followed by 21 zeros (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000). In the future, however, they will be better known as a race of seductive and … Continue reading Alien Encounters
Energy Bar19 years ago
The Bush administration has taken an unusual step of asking a federal appeals court to stop a lawsuit investigating Vice President Dick Cheney’s relationship with energy industry executives and lobbyists. During the proceedings one of the lawyers explained, “this is the same government that investigated Clinton for years and couldn’t come through with the money … Continue reading Energy Bar
S And Men12 years ago
“Sex and the City 2” earned $32.1 million dollars over the three day memorial day weekend. Reports show 90% of the audience were women and the rest were men hoping to get some.
If I Had A Million Dollars…1 year ago
If I had a million dollars I would want a million more (why not two million more?) Good point… wait, what are you getting at? (I think you are missing the point of the song.) Oh, all right, let me start over. If I had a million dollars I’d buy us some time. (that’s better) … Continue reading If I Had A Million Dollars…
Time On My Hands21 years ago
I would like to encourage everyone who reads this to make sure to spend some time each day doing something that isn't productive.
Nights At The Round Table19 years ago
North Korea has agreed, in principle, to six-way talks addressing Pyongyang’s controversial nuclear program. The complex agreement will bring North Korea, South Korea, China, Japan, Russia, and the United States together in an attempt to resolve the situation. While the details of the negotiations have not been finalized, it is widely believed the meeting will … Continue reading Nights At The Round Table
Rats!15 years ago
I'm sure we can get people to live there when we can change the name from 'Rat Island' to 'Dead Rat Island.'
License Plate14 years ago
OK, so I’m driving around in a UPS truck this afternoon and I saw the following personalized license plate without any spaces in between the letters: BIGAL I guess the meaning really depends on where you put the space.
And One Pill Makes You Small19 years ago
A report commissioned by the governor of Illinois found that the if the state purchased prescription drugs from Canada, the average retiree could save more than $1000 a year without compromising the safety or quality of their medications. When asked to respond to these findings, a spokesperson for an undisclosed drug company replied, “Sure, this … Continue reading And One Pill Makes You Small
How’s That Going Anyways12 years ago
Astronomers recently discovered the largest star in the Universe. Called R136a1, it is about 265 times more massive than our Sun. “To put this in perspective,” one scientists closely involved with the discovery explained, “it is the biggest ball of hot gas ever found in one place– even larger than the previous record set in … Continue reading How’s That Going Anyways
Strangers On A Train13 years ago
Here is a song I wrote for Nick– another UPS driver who is also in a country/rock band. I came up with the idea back when I lived in Amsterdam and took the train to work every day. You sit next to meI tell you that’s OKwithout speaking a wordnothing much to say the smell … Continue reading Strangers On A Train
Palin’s Plan13 years ago
In a recent interview on the Oprah Winfrey show, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin described the President’s economic plan as “back-assward.” She went on to explain how her plan would be different when she runs for Office in 2012. “When I sit down at that big desk in the White House, the first thing I’ll … Continue reading Palin’s Plan
Taco Bell21 years ago
But I'm getting ahead of myself. For the sake of continuity, I'll start at the beginning.
What’s Up20 years ago
Qantas Airlines recently announced John Travolta will be flying his completely restored Boeing 707 around the world as part of the airline’s thirteen city “Spirit of Friendship” tour. While Mr. Travolta expects to be at the controls for the majority of the 65,000 kilometer tour, security and safety concerns require Mr. Kotter keep the remaining … Continue reading What’s Up
Funny And Sexy– Is It Possible13 years ago
We rented “Zach and Miri Make a Porno” from Netflix this weekend. The premise is quite simple– long time friends and roommates Zach and Miri are broke, and decide to remedy the situation by filming a porno flick. Of course nothing really goes as planned, and things get weird between the two friends when the … Continue reading Funny And Sexy– Is It Possible
2000 Christmas Letter22 years ago
Welcome to the sixth year of the increasingly inaccurately named “Christmas Letter Trilogy.” The world seemed to have survived the whole Y2K scare without too much pillaging and plundering. Or at least there wasn’t any more than last year (adjusted for inflation). Despite the fact I didn’t get to spend six months in Europe this … Continue reading 2000 Christmas Letter
Six Months In Amsterdam23 years ago
Now that I think about it, the title sounds like a good title for a song. It would be kind of like “One Night in Bankock” but with less of a techno beat and more references to sex and drugs. In case you didn’t already know, I spent the first half of 1999 living and … Continue reading Six Months In Amsterdam
Eye Of Newt10 years ago
Newt Gingrich slammed Mitt Romney’s assertion last week that he lost the 2012 presidential election because of “gifts” President Barack Obama gave to blacks, Hispanics and younger voters during his first term in the White House. “It’s nuts,” Gingrich explained. “The job of a political leader in part is to understand the people. If we … Continue reading Eye Of Newt
Fries With That?20 years ago
Investors are not expecting good news when McDonald’s Corp. updates its earnings outlook on Tuesday. In an effort to increase profits, the world’s largest fast food establishment has announced plans to cut several high-profile employees and increase the number of items on the $1 value meal. Can anyone say “McGrimmace Burgers?”
Minus J and K13 years ago
The bitter divorce proceedings of the Gosselin family, famous for their reality show “John and Kate Plus Eight,” continue to play out in the media tabloids. When asked for a comment on the situation, a high level employee of the network anonymously commented, “When divorce proceedings turn ugly like this the judicial system needs to … Continue reading Minus J and K
For Our Next Project20 years ago
Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University built a machine designed to demonstrate basic social skills. The robot, named Grace, is a 6-foot-tall drum shaped device which communicates through a digitally animated woman’s face. While the robot’s social abilities are minimal at best, the researcher’s modest goal is to have Grace appear at least as human as … Continue reading For Our Next Project
Mouse Problems20 years ago
Sixty passengers on a Disney cruise have fallen ill on the ship’s latest voyage, prompting officials to bring aboard the former head of the Centers for Disease Control to oversee the cleanup operations. The Disney spokesman described the sickness as “like the flu” and said the symptoms are mostly vomiting and diarrhea. The outbreak started … Continue reading Mouse Problems
Alien Speak21 years ago
Thanks for subscribing to the newfunny.com newsletter. I created this site as a moderated showcase for the talents of up-and-coming comedy writers. So if you like to write and believe that you are the next Dave Berry or Douglas Adams, please feel free to submit your work. If you can’t write, but like to read … Continue reading Alien Speak
In International News20 years ago
Archaeologists in London have recently unearthed the oldest known plaque with the city’s name. The Italian marble sign, which dates to 50-150 A.D., is dedicated to Roman emperors and was discovered in an area that will eventually be covered up by a housing development. In addition to the impressive age and condition, researchers also report … Continue reading In International News
In Box Office News20 years ago
The low-budget, independently produced film, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” reached the number one spot for box office revenue this week. After being released in April, the feel-good romantic comedy steadily climbed the charts– beating out several movies featuring high-profile actors and state-of-the-art special effects. Taking note of the unexpected success, Hollywood recently green-lighted a … Continue reading In Box Office News
Working Man20 years ago
If there is a box marked "Glass-- FRAGILE" I have to be very careful about what NOT to place on top-- like an anvil, for example.
New TLC Show13 years ago
Following the success of the show, “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” The Learning Channel greenlighted a sister show titled, “I Thought I Was Pregnant But It Turns Out I Was Just Getting Fat Really Quickly After My Boyfriend Dumped Me And I Just Sat Around On The Couch Eating Microwave Pizza and Twinkies All … Continue reading New TLC Show
Ultrasound 212 years ago
I don't know why we think clams are all that happy to begin with, but, hey, that's the expression.
Star Trek 11? I’ve Lost Count13 years ago
Wow-- they must have saved a lot of money by using the set of 'Ugly Betty' as the bridge of the Enterprise.
How Computers Work Part 920 years ago
Note to reader: Make wavy up and down motion with hands to indicate a flashback sequence.
Oh What An Interweb We Weave9 years ago
CNN Writer Paul Miller recently wrote about his year long self-imposed banishment from the Internet. “What’s the Internet?” asked half the world.
Envigoral Infomercial17 years ago
Most people haven’t heard of this new and exciting product due to some minor paperwork issues with the Food and Drug Administration.
The B Team12 years ago
“Who are you freaks, and why are you sneaking up behind total strangers at the local Loaf ‘n Jug?” the woman asked after she sprayed a healthy does of concentrated pepper spray in their general direction.
In School News20 years ago
Parents in Aspen, Colorado claim that plans to teach yoga violate federal rulings that bar religion in the classroom. The district’s yoga program was developed after September 11 to help make children feel safer in school. When questioned about this controversy, President Bush responded, “Before we let this issue create a division among us, we … Continue reading In School News
One Ecstatic Birthday19 years ago
The game is over, Madame Lovejoy. I know you are hopped up on E!
Lego My Eggo8 years ago
It was a good year for team Lego My Eggo. We finished 6th out of 14 teams which means we even exceed our goal of getting the “median award.” To the best of my knowledge, this was the first year that someone recorded our presentation and posted it on youtube. I still think our Doctor … Continue reading Lego My Eggo
Common Sense11 years ago
Several members of the Republican party, including Karl Rove and Sarah Palin, have openly criticized President Barack Obama for inviting the rap star Common to read a short poem at a recent White House Poetry event. “We don’t want this to come off as racists old school thinking,” the Republicans explained in a press release, … Continue reading Common Sense
Heat Pump2 months ago
As with so many revolutionary ideas, this one started as a butcher paper doodle while waiting for our food at The Macaroni Grill. Anyone who has taken apart as many air conditioning units as I have knows these are by no means trivial devices. In an effort to help rescue humanity from environmental self destruction, … Continue reading Heat Pump
Let’s Have This Baby12 years ago
Isabel had to make a few adjustments like breathing air, receiving nutrition through her mouth, and not being allowed to lounge around all day in that warm soft jacuzzi of a uterus.
Rush To Judgement12 years ago
Rush Limbaugh on his plans if the new United States health care program is implemented: Look here folks, all I’m saying is that if Obamacare gets implemented and all the sick people are rounded up, transported in military vehicles to various community swimming pools, stripped naked, and finally, after a five day wait, diagnosed by … Continue reading Rush To Judgement
Military Operations20 years ago
When questioned on the situation in the Middle East, former Vice President Dan Quayle responded, “Don’t you mean IRAQUE?”
Entertainment Of The Future21 years ago
I have to admit up front that I have never written a story while being held against my will at the Boulder County Police Headquarters. Usually I sit home at my desk and mold the random thoughts running around in my head into a somewhat coherent and for the most part correctly-spelled piece of literature. … Continue reading Entertainment Of The Future
Men And Women21 years ago
The odds of throwing out your back while putting dirty clothes into the hamper are quite small.
Weight Watchers15 years ago
The International Bureau of Weights and Measures recently reported the 118-year-old cylinder that is the international prototype for the metric mass of a kilogram appears to have lost 50 micrograms. This confirms a theory that scientists have suspected for quite some time now– everyone is getting fatter.The International Bureau of Weights and Measures recently reported … Continue reading Weight Watchers
2011 Wrap Up10 years ago
there are more methods of calculating web traffic than there are ways to deep fry a Snickers bar
Chicken Little19 years ago
P.E.T.A. is currently campaigning for a general boycott of Kentucky Fried Chicken. When queried, a spokesperson for the organization stated, “They are raising chickens in a safe and sanitary environment– we are just disgusted by the continued production of annoying commercials with that fat, annoying guy from Seinfeld.”
Use Your Illusion19 years ago
Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer sent a memo out to all his employees critical of open source software and the companies who support it. “Complicating the situation are companies, like IBM, whose support of Linux has added an illusion of support and accountability.” The memo went on to say, “This, obviously, is in direct conflict with … Continue reading Use Your Illusion
Custom Frame2 months ago
I took this picture of my preloader and made a custom frame. I bought a few frames from the thrift store and used the plastic front and the back parts. A good investment of 99 cents.
A Sure Thing20 years ago
An offshore gaming company recently stopped taking bets on the final outcome of ABC’s “The Bachelor.” Since taping the final episode, a highly disproportionate number of bets were placed for one of the two remaining candidates– leading officials to suspect the outcome of the show was leaked to the public. As a result, the company … Continue reading A Sure Thing
Iron Chef Amsterdam11 years ago
Announcer: Welcome to the premiere of Traveling Iron Chef. While Chiarman Kaga Takeshi’s “Kitchen Stadium” vision remains a fixture of Japanese culture, he recently gave a direct order to his younger brother, Lou. Instead of bumming around Kaga’s apartment watching television all day, Lou has been instructed to travel to the ends of the earth … Continue reading Iron Chef Amsterdam
Hitting The Books17 years ago
Mike Tyson and Kevin McBride have announced plans for a June 11, 2005 boxing fight in Washington, D.C. Tyson, currently $30 million in debt, commented at the press conference, “after pulverizing this man I’ll have another win under my belt, more respect from the boxing community, and roughly $2 million more debt to add to … Continue reading Hitting The Books
Tick Tick Tick Tick9 years ago
Photograph sharing website Instagram created an uproar after announcing sweeping changes to their terms of service. The wave of negative publicity has forced the company to change their plans, with one high ranking company official stating off the record that “this ranks up there with one of the most blatant abuses of technology since CBS … Continue reading Tick Tick Tick Tick
We’ve Got Ears Say Cheers9 years ago
Just a quick post for some predictions on where things are headed with this whole “technology” thing. We are going to see some new applications with noise canceling technology. Most commonly used in headphones to quiet unwanted sounds such as annoying coworkers, jet engines, and your daughter’s pet gerbil that sits in his cage as … Continue reading We’ve Got Ears Say Cheers
Pound For Pound14 years ago
Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett recently challenged it’s citizens to collectively lose one million pounds through change in diet and exercise after being ranked in the top 10 of America’s Fattest Cities. After hearing the news, the two half million pound men in the front row looked at each other and asked, “That’s all great … Continue reading Pound For Pound
Pie In The Sky18 years ago
In light of the recent Space Shuttle disaster, officials at NASA are considering sending an unmanned robot into space to perform maintenance on the fourteen year old Hubble Telescope. “The idea came to us,” one project manager reported, “after the local Chuck E Cheese closed down and the entire animatronic Pizza Time Band became unemployed.”
Get Ducked10 years ago
An older man is sitting in an over-sized chair. “My name is Steve, and I am the product manager here at the Select Comfort’s Sleep Number bed product line. While our product line has been an amazing success over the years, we are always looking for new ways to improve our customer’s sleep experience. I recently received … Continue reading Get Ducked
Bare Essentials14 years ago
A German travel agency recently announced it would start taking bookings for a trial nudist day trip from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the popular Baltic Sea resort of Usedom. The 55 passengers will have to remain clothed until they board, and dress before disembarking. When asked what effect this will have on … Continue reading Bare Essentials
If I Could Turn Back Time19 years ago
Hundreds of mourners passed through South Carolina’s Statehouse to pay their final respects to Strom Thurmond. Many people brought flowers and other items to leave by the coffin in a make-shift memorial. Trent Lott put all his future political ambitions down and quickly left the building.
Texas Toast17 years ago
Ecuador’s President Lucio Gutierrez declared a state of emergency and dissolved the Supreme Court, saying the unpopular judges were the cause of three days of pot-banging street protests. “Hey, now why didn’t I think of that?” asked Republican House majority leader Tom Delay.
More Than Words19 years ago
At a Capitol Hill hearing regarding Homeland Security, FBI Director Robert Mueller reported, “the enemies we face are resourceful, merciless and fanatically committed to inflicting massive damage on our homeland, which they regard as a bastion of evil.” Later in the day the President of Iraq responded by asking the Director, “Hey, would you mind … Continue reading More Than Words
Weirdos In Town21 years ago
I truly believe that people, organizations, and entire nations expose the true content of their character when cruelty and misfortune test the limits of human endurance. When the fringe elements of a culture force their views on the rest of society through radical and unlawful acts, we must strive as a country to respond with … Continue reading Weirdos In Town
World Peace20 years ago
Intense riots in Kaduna, Nigeria were sparked by a local newspaper article regarding the upcoming Miss World pageant. The front-page article claimed that if he was alive today, the Islamic prophet Mohamed probably would have chosen a wife from among the contestants. The developing African country won the right to host the competition last year … Continue reading World Peace
Wrong Numbers9 years ago
So I was thinking about trigonometry the other day after I had been tutoring someone about to take a mathematics placement course focusing on the wide net of mathematical animals known a “pre-calculus.” Basically it covers everything from “Explain how many fingers you think you have, and don’t worry, there are no wrong answers, including leaving … Continue reading Wrong Numbers
Heat Pump: The Next Generation4 weeks ago
Here is my latest heat pump idea. The concept is to not employ any traditional refrigerants and only use simple, inexpensive equipment.
Cellular Damage20 years ago
A California report that blames cell phone use in 913 highway accidents in 2001 is being revised because officials believe the figure should be about seven times higher. Governor Gray Davis returned the report to the California Highway Patrol after performing some rough calculations on his cell phone calculator on his drive to work.
The Real World: The Next Generation17 years ago
This is the true story of seven strangers, picked to live on a starship and have their lives holographically recorded, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL. The Real World: The Next Generation!
Rush To Judgement19 years ago
Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh returned to his long-running radio show today after being absent for five weeks in an effort to break his dependence on prescription pain medication. When asked about the situation, Mr. Limbaugh commented, “While I have made some progress in dealing with the pain pills, the five weeks I’ve been off the … Continue reading Rush To Judgement
Sub Standards17 years ago
The crew of the trapped Russian mini-submarine are back in port after their three day ordeal. An English submarine came to the rescue after the Russian sub got tangled up in wires at the bottom of the Pacific. Faced with dwindling oxygen supplies, the trapped crew quickly realized that someone violated standard protocol and entered … Continue reading Sub Standards
Death And Taxes9 years ago
In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. –Benjamin Franklin Not so fast there Ben. –Google Google’s New Company Calico To Try to Cheat Deathwww.technologyreview.com/view/…/google-to-try-to-solve-death-lol/Sep 17, 2013 – A new company launched by Google will seek to extend human life spans. Google dodges billions in taxes with Bermuda tax havenThe Global Dispatch ‎- 1 day agoThe UK tax authority has indicated it is investigating Google.
Tuesday Morning13 years ago
A chain store called “Tuesday Morning” opened up a year or so ago in Loveland, Colorado. I keep wondering how they came up with the name. To the best of my knowledge, they sell a variety of overstocked gift type items at rather low prices. Even though I know exectly what they sell, I keep … Continue reading Tuesday Morning
2003 Christmas Letter19 years ago
One side of my brain (I’m not sure which-- possibly the inside) is busy mentally writing a letter to the cracker company.
Putting A Lid On It13 years ago
“Jon and Kate Plus Eight” celebrity Jon Gosselin has reportedly turned to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, well known as a spiritual adviser to Michael Jackson, for religious counseling. The Rabbi released the following statement to the press, “Jon is aware that his recent behavior has been creating a negative image in the media. He hopes that … Continue reading Putting A Lid On It
Rest Room Question13 years ago
I realized something while eating lunch as Wok ‘n Roll this afternoon. After drinking 3 large Diet Pepsi’s I had to answer the call of nature. I was forced to put the call on hold, however, when the door to the mens’ bathroom was occupied. Now when a place of business only has only one … Continue reading Rest Room Question
Dancing With The Stars13 years ago
In the soon to be released "Terminator Salvation" the machines hypnotize people with their smooth steps and jazz hands-- humanity never saw it coming.
Television Playlists13 years ago
I wrote a ranting lunatic type letter to Dish Network the other day just to make myself feel better. Basically I want to be able to make playlists of DVR television shows for my future children to watch based on their age. Then I want everyone to be able to share their playlists with the … Continue reading Television Playlists
Cosmic Error8 years ago
After reading the dozen tweets from Neil deGrasse Tyson regarding the accuracy of the movie Gravity, I would like to point out a glaring inaccuracy in the title sequence of the television series Cosmos. Even if you could travel faster than the speed of light through the cosmos the stars wouldn’t appear to move relative to … Continue reading Cosmic Error
Three Strikes19 years ago
In a recent interview, Ben Affleck dismissed rumors that he plans to marry Jennifer Lopez on Valentine’s Day. When asked if he ever had a fling with Britney Spears, Affleck again said it wasn’t true. He proceeded to ask the pop princess’s age and then mouthed the words “call me” as he made a telephone … Continue reading Three Strikes
2520 years ago
The non-traditional action series “24” is back for another season on the Fox network. The first season documented a single twenty-four hour period of the main character’s life that included, among other things, foiling an assassination attempt on a presidential candidate. The first ten episodes of this season are focusing on Kiefer Sutherland enjoying a … Continue reading 25
Another Interview With Ertok21 years ago
For those of you new to the site, Ertok is an Evil Alien Overlord who, among other things, oversees the operations here
There Should Have Been Only One7 years ago
Executives at Hulu are being investigated for “review inflation” after an investigative journalist recently uncovered a “3 out of 5” star rating for Highlander 2. Scientific investigation on this subject have concluded this movie is as close to “absolute zero stars” as is humanly possible.
Signs Of The Times9 years ago
I was driving down the highway today and the electronic warning sign said, “Call *277 to report drunk drivers.” The next sign read, “Plz txt Some1NEARmeISbReakingTHElaw to 31416 to report drivers using their phones while driving.” Back to driving…
Father’s Day Update10 years ago
So Katherine ended up getting me a nine inch diameter glazed doughnut for Father’s Day. Apparently I was a little bit off the mark with the whole Lisa Loeb coming over to my house and making me pancakes. Katherine explained to me how she really tried to get Lisa to stop by, but apparently she … Continue reading Father’s Day Update
2019 Christmas Letter3 years ago
The lesson I taught my kids is the old man isn't going to go down in laser tag without a fight.
Expanding Horizons20 years ago
A police investigation is underway into a pornographic movie shot on campus at Indiana University. A film crew from Shane Enterprises had 20 to 30 students sign model release forms before shooting erotic footage for “Shane’s World 32: Campus Invasion.” The resident manager at Teter Quadrangle who brought the matter to the police commented, “I … Continue reading Expanding Horizons
Doctor Who Kinetics Song15 years ago
Why a covered wagon? Well, the rap song explained it all.
Messed With Texas13 years ago
A 72 year old woman who was tasered during a routine traffic stop has received a $40,000 settlement from a Texas county. In response to this and several other high-profile incidents, the maker of Taser stun guns has created several recommendations on taser gun use, including instructing officers to avoid hitting suspects in the chest … Continue reading Messed With Texas
Prime Contenders11 years ago
Here is the transcript of our parade skit: You may address me as number 2– the number one prime number. Behind me is number 3, the number 2 prime, and also with me is numbers 5 and 7, the third and fourth primes. We represent the prime numbers– positive integers evenly divisible by only ourselves … Continue reading Prime Contenders
Inexpensive Solar Collector13 years ago
Back in the day you could ask AOL for as many CDs as you wanted, but I'm not sure that would fly today.
Kids Don’t Try This At Home21 years ago
In retrospect, the fact that I was hauling around a backpack containing a broken car battery might have contributed to my decreased velocity.
Business Birth18 years ago
After examining all the choices in the area, I’ve decided to start a fitness club that caters exclusively to pregnant woman, and I’m going to name the center “The OB-GYM.”
Star Search18 years ago
Astronomers using the Hubble Space telescope have released the deepest-ever image of the universe using a long duration exposure that provides a glimpse of the cosmos more than 13 billion years ago. “In addition to the clouds of space dust and ice particles,” one source close to the program explained, “we have discovered a very, … Continue reading Star Search
How Computers Work Part 521 years ago
In addition to the blinking lights and reel-to-reel tape devices, each generation of computers was becoming smaller and more powerful than its predecessor.
Shelves2 months ago
These were a bit of a challenge because the pieces were bigger than what the CNC machine could cut at one time, but it turned out great in the end.
Need For Speed20 years ago
A supercomputer in Yokohama, Japan recently claimed the number one position in the Top 500 list of the most powerful computer systems in the world. The system, which simulates climate and other aspects of the earth, consists of 640 machines connected through a high-speed network. The machine performs more than 35 trillion operations per second … Continue reading Need For Speed
Shell Games21 years ago
Before going on I must point out that what I am about to say it pure speculation. Despite having an Arabic name I was born and raised in the United States (as were both my parents and three of my four grandparents). I don’t speak or write any language other than English and the few … Continue reading Shell Games
Grounds Of Discontent10 years ago
I’m pretty sure that I’m not giving away any sensitive UPS intelligence when I say that my employer saves money by purchasing the cheapest coffee that doesn’t violate any Federal laws. So the other day I took a small sample of coffee to a lab for analysis. It turns out that each packet of coffee contains … Continue reading Grounds Of Discontent
No More Playing Around19 years ago
France has agreed to provide 320 military personnel for a peacekeeping operation in ethnically divided Macedonia. The French brigadier general in charge went on record saying, “If we don’t get the complete and immediate cooperation from the Macedonian government, ethic rebels, and civilian population, we are prepared to take whatever means necessary to resolve the … Continue reading No More Playing Around
The Zero Effect20 years ago
A White House spokesman stated Monday that the United States will insist on a “zero tolerance” policy regarding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. To put this in perspective, the Bush administration assigned Iran and North Korea, the remaining two-thirds of the “Axis of Evil,” tolerance levels of five and eleven.
Traffic Jam11 years ago
I was looking through the web statistics for newfunny.com, and was somewhat surprised about what words lead people to this site. Here are the top 10 phrases according to godaddy.com where I host the site: porno, porn movie, rush limbaugh wedding, www.newfunny.com, holmes on homes, british petroleum, bp, south park porn, orgazmo, silly christmas letters. … Continue reading Traffic Jam
Kinetics21 years ago
Just for the sake of comparison, building a craft and competing in the race requires roughly three to four orders of magnitudes more effort than, say, writing a song about Taco Bell.
How Qwest Annoys Me20 years ago
I believe that the phone company has better things to do than to keep calling me and asking me to upgrade my phone service.
2008 Christmas Letter14 years ago
I'm not saying Milliken is small-- just go to the main restaurant in town, “Jose's Taco Factory,” and ask anyone there.
2010 Christmas Letter12 years ago
2011 promises to be another eventful year as (SPOLIER ALERT) the sequel to Isabel is scheduled to be released on May 31.
Remote Control Conserves Energy13 years ago
Most electronic devices that use a remote control are constantly wasting energy “listening” for signals from the remote control, even when they are turned off. The problem is magnified with home entertainment centers which use multiple devices, all of which are accessible with a remote control. I’ve applied for a patent for a remote control … Continue reading Remote Control Conserves Energy
2018 Christmas Letter4 years ago
Doggie heaven is great-- the toys are the best and everyone loves it when you fart.
Easter Time21 years ago
I don't actually get fan mail quite yet, but I believe this is a plot by "The Man" who, despite the fact that I am a white male, is trying to keep me down by removing any mail from my box that might improve my self esteem.
2014 Christmas Letter8 years ago
I believe it was JP Morgan who once said “You don’t rise to the top by jumping in the kiddie pool.” That, or I just made it up a few moments ago. Fact checking isn’t a strong point in my Christmas Letters. Where am I going with this? Well, this year I decided to bring … Continue reading 2014 Christmas Letter
Semicolon2 months ago
Someone asked me to make them a semicolon. I used a spare piece of our flooring which means I didn’t need to do any finishing work to it.
In Military News20 years ago
President Bush became upset with Germany this week for refusing to support the United States regarding military action against Iraq. Many Democrats in the Senate responded to the incident by stating, “You know your battle plan sucks, Mr. President, when even Germany turns down your invitation to start a war.”
Father’s Day Surprise10 years ago
Katherine told me Friday night that she is picking up a special Father’s Day gift for me at 9am Saturday morning. She refuses to give me any more details regarding the nature of the item, so I am using my amazing powers of deduction and reasonableness to conclude that she spent a small part of … Continue reading Father’s Day Surprise
Get Some Glass App9 years ago
I highly recommend this for anyone looking to meet someone new when everyone else you know describes you as hopelessly boring, lacking any knowledge of current events, and/or obsessed with changes made to the 1997 re-release of "Star Wars: A New Hope."
12862, 11561, 67, 2465, 762, -178, 938, 129213 years ago
each number represented an important milestone in our lives-- measured in days
Adventures In Europe21 years ago
No matter how many times it happens to me, I'm never totally comfortable when I am stranded near a nuclear power plant and witness an explosion.
Horror Story19 years ago
In a recent Los Angeles Times interview, Stephen King announced he would soon be “done with writing.” While many fans will miss King’s unique horror-genre novels, television executives have calmed a nervous public by confirming a steady stream of crappy made-for-T.V. movies will be released through the 2023 television season.
The Dukes Of Hazzard13 years ago
With an odd blank look on his face Enos stared off to the distance and said, to nobody in particular, "I want to see Daisy's womanly abilities…."
The War On Drugs20 years ago
The Bush administration today announced a new tool to help fight the war on drugs. The “Say No To Drugs” slogan currently printed on urinal cake holders will soon be replaced with a voice recording of John Ashcroft yelling “say no to drugs RIGHT NOW, or DEA agents will be dispatched to this location. You … Continue reading The War On Drugs
This Little Piggy19 years ago
A British teenager was recently forced to pay $160 to a policeman for calling him “fat.” The fine would have been higher, but the judge decided to deduct the cost of the pound of uncooked bacon the teen stuffed down the officers shirt during the altercation.
America Off Line12 years ago
America Online recently announced a new service aimed at protecting children from the dangers of the internet. For only $9.99 a month AOL’s ‘Safe Social’ will help parents monitor what their children do online. A representative from the company explained how the system works. “This setup only allows your children to connect to the internet … Continue reading America Off Line
Island Paradise19 years ago
An unidentified British financier recently spent $40 million for an apartment space facing Central Park in New York City. After the deal was finalized, the landlord warned the new tenant, “No loud music, no drugs, or I get you arrested and someone else gets your apartment.”
1997 Christmas Letter25 years ago
Well folks, it’s that time of year again– the days are getting shorter, annoying Christmas music is playing at the mall, the political forces that run our nation are gearing up for the next presidential election, and, of course, it’s time to publish my third annual Christmas letter. This brings up the question of whether … Continue reading 1997 Christmas Letter
Black Remote Update8 years ago
I don’t spend too much time talking about my remote control patent mostly because there isn’t much humor in United States patents named “Electronic Control Conservation Devices.” My idea is a remote control cradle that completely shuts off power to a home entertainment system. When the remote is placed in the cradle power to the … Continue reading Black Remote Update
Pain In The Ass19 years ago
A recently completed study in the United Kingdom discovered a link between alcohol consumption and rectal cancer. The research team found people who consume more than fourteen drinks a week are three times more likely than non-drinkers to develop the disease. The report came with the following warning, “if you go out to your local … Continue reading Pain In The Ass
2021 Christmas Letter4 weeks ago
No time for the usual introduction as I smash through the fourth wall like the Kool-Aid Man after his latest parole hearing! WILLFUL DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY– OH YEAH! You! Yes YOU! The one reading this letter– somehow I can communicate with you while you are reading this. You can write your very own Christmas letter! … Continue reading 2021 Christmas Letter
Traffic Jams20 years ago
Hello! How was I supposed to know a truck was going to tip over on I-25? Do I look like Miss Cleo?
2 Cute12 years ago
The Learning Channel began airing the second season of “Toddlers & Tiaras” which documents young girls in highly competitive beauty contests. “Finally, a show that caters to our unique demographic!” proclaimed all the pedophiles.
Kicking It Old School19 years ago
U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently caused a bit of a stir by stating that France and Germany’s reluctance to support a war against Iraq indicated they were still part of “old Europe.” A high ranking French official replied, “I’m not sure about the rest of the world, but talking about war and ‘old … Continue reading Kicking It Old School
1999 Christmas Letter23 years ago
Assuming that I am not going to get hit by a meteorite or trampled to death in some freak Y2K riot, I have made it through another year to write my fifth Christmas letter. I’m quite impressed with my ability to stick with the program for five years now. I can’t really think of anything … Continue reading 1999 Christmas Letter
Down The Rabbit Hole11 years ago
Officials at San Francisco’s Bay Area Rapid Transport admitted to shutting down cell phone service to disrupt a planned protest in the vicinity. While reaction to the news was mixed during the blackout, one man went on record saying, “I think this is a perfectly acceptable course of action given the need for public safety. … Continue reading Down The Rabbit Hole
Cleaning Up20 years ago
Accused of looting hundreds of millions of dollars from Tyco International, former CEO Dennis Kozlowski now faces federal charges of corruption, conspiracy, and grand larceny. One of the prosecuting attorneys in the case went on record saying, “Six thousand dollars for a shower curtain! What does he think this is, the military?”
Ice Pact12 years ago
Some 40 nations at a high-level climate meeting in Germany have made headway toward a pact to curb global warming. “This meeting has broken the ice and one cannot overestimate the importance,” Norbert Roettgen said as the three-day conference drew to a close. “Stop breaking the ice– I live there,” commented a polar bear in attendance.
Dough Boys19 years ago
In an effort to reduce obesity in the United States, Kraft Foods Inc, the nation’s largest food manufacturer, has announced plans to evaluate portion sizes and the nutritional content of all its products. A spokesperson for Kraft explained, “In the future, a bag of, say, Oreo cookies will be exactly the same size as before, … Continue reading Dough Boys
Personal Grooming13 years ago
You may be asking yourself how this is Ancient, Chinese, or a secret. The old Chinese man I have locked in my basement taught me how to do it.
Obama Campaign Ads14 years ago
Campaign Ad #1 The entire ad is shown in the form of dated black and white film. The scene fades in showing an elaborate 1950’s ball A full sized orchestra is playing Glenn Miller’s “Moonlight Serenade.” All the men are clean cut and wearing traditional suits. A few couples are dancing in the middle, but … Continue reading Obama Campaign Ads
Lax Security10 years ago
Security screening in one major airport was completely closed today for the better part of an hour after experiencing another cupcake related incident. A senior administrator at the TSA explained. “While we feel that we have made every effort to explain our actions related to the ‘cupcake in a jar’ incident, we would also like … Continue reading Lax Security
World Racing Interface13 years ago
The world is your oyster. Oyster has no cash value.
Does It Come With Wheels12 years ago
President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev signed an agreement on Thursday to significantly reduce the superpowers’ nuclear arsenals to the lowest point since the arms race of the 1960s. While many experts applauded the effort, the issue of “loose nukes” such as suitcase bombs was left unresolved. When asked about this point, Obama … Continue reading Does It Come With Wheels
Lost In Translation8 years ago
Kmart had plenty of sexy Scarlett Johansson “Avenger” posters for sale today, but they were all out of merchandising from her frumpy “Lost in Translation” appearance.
Dog Days13 years ago
I pulled up to the house just as a woman and her dog were leaving to go for an afternoon walk. I reached for a dog biscuit as I stepped out of the truck. The dog ate it up while I talked to the woman. “This is for you.” I said as I handed her … Continue reading Dog Days
Nice To Meet You13 years ago
Lady, I ran out of nice on Tuesday.
Oil Well That Ends Well12 years ago
After causing the largest oil spill in U.S. history, British Petroleum announced today a $20 billion fund to compensate individuals negatively effected by this disaster. In an unrelated story, BP released a statement to refineries noting a minor increase of $1 for the next 20 billion barrels it sells.
Travel Guide: Estes Park19 years ago
Being a secluded mountain town, many of these stores focus on specialized candy and dessert items
In The Name Of Security19 years ago
Microsoft Corporation warned on Wednesday that users of its Office software were at risk of having their computers taken over by an attacker unless they applied a patch to correct the problem. The attacker? Microsoft Corporation.
Another Brick In The Wall19 years ago
Despite intense lobbying efforts by Microsoft, the city of Munich, Germany decided to stop using Microsoft Windows in favor of Linux, a popular open source operating system. In an official document explaining the situation, the government explained, “It was a tough decision to abandon the Microsoft corporation– we have the highest levels of respect for … Continue reading Another Brick In The Wall
Team Infinities6 years ago
Welcome to the post-race wrap-up for the 37th annual Longmont Kinetics Race! I’m the team captain of team Infinities, but to keep things simple you can call me Infini-tease. I’m the one with the pink hair and the fishnet stockings. The other members of my team include Infini Tea, Infini T, and Infini Tee. The … Continue reading Team Infinities
Making Boulder Safe21 years ago
I am almost positive that kangaroos are not indigenous to the state of Colorado.
Force Of Nature17 years ago
President Bush sent a message to European leaders who opposed the Iraq war saying that “no passing disagreement of governments, no power on Earth will ever divide us.” Shortly afterwards, a spokesperson for the Commander-in-Chief added, “with the exception of the tectonic plates under the Atlantic ocean that have been pushing apart the two continents … Continue reading Force Of Nature
How Computers Work Part 421 years ago
Eniac comes from an old Czechoslovakian phrase that roughly translates to "factory workers with steel shells who attempt to enslave humanity."
Quirky 28 years ago
So I was playing around on my computer last night and I submitted another idea I’ve been kicking around in my head for the past few months. I don’t have anywhere near the time and effort into this idea as my remote control stuff, but I still think it has a lot of potential. Feel … Continue reading Quirky 2
This Just In16 years ago
Standing-next-to-a-landing-helicopter-hair is the worst, but fortunately I'm bald.
2007 Christmas Letter15 years ago
On a side note, he didn’t seem to enjoy the memory nasal probe. None of them do.
In The Dog House19 years ago
In her new book, Hillary Rodham Clinton says her husband’s relationship with Monica Lewinsky caused so much pain that, at one point, Buddy the dog was the only member of the family willing to keep President Clinton company. “I’m really not too surprised,” she explained, “since they both just wanted to have their way with … Continue reading In The Dog House
Raising Security20 years ago
Faced with shrinking profit margins, airlines in the United States are imposing new fees to help boost their bottom line. At various airports around the country, for example, passengers going through security can pay forty dollars to walk past Federal screeners and submit to an extensive “hand search” by perky eighteen year old women in … Continue reading Raising Security
Drug War17 years ago
Rush Limbaugh is expected to visit Afghanistan, officials said on Thursday. When asked about the nature of the visit, the conservative radio talk show host stated, “I’m excited to see the emergence of freedom in a country that for so many years has been ravished by war. That, and the vast expanse of heroin-producing poppy … Continue reading Drug War
Devilish Numbers19 years ago
Military troops in the Middle East are on high alert because April 28, 2003 marks Saddam Hussein’s sixty-sixth birthday. Still trying to locate the former dictator, Marine ground forces are questioning all Iraqi citizens who leave grocery centers with two or more “number six” candles.
Escher2 months ago
I plan on doing some more Escher projects on the CNC. This turned out to be a nice test piece.
Bursting At The Seams20 years ago
Actor and director Kevin Costner recently underwent surgery to remove his appendix. In addition to being inflamed and irritated, the organ in question cited “artistic and personal differences” when it formally requested to be removed from Mr. Costner’s abdominal cavity.
Play Time12 years ago
you heard it here first, for whatever that is worth
A Word From Our Sponsors13 years ago
If you are a nobody, don't call me-- I've got a truckload of packages that need to get delivered before I can go home for the night.
Why I Want My Own Route13 years ago
Here are the exact directions (meaning I’m not making any of this up) to 4580 County Road 68, Wellington, Colorado: Go north on I-25 and get off at the Wellington exit. Head north on the east side frontage road until you see a sign for CR68. There is only one house on the road and … Continue reading Why I Want My Own Route
Annoying Kristin20 years ago
She likes Buffy in much the same way I enjoy, say, breathing.
Je Ne Sais French19 years ago
In an effort to explain 11,400 more fatalities than usual during the first two weeks of August, officials in France have claimed air pollution and a lack of wind were the actual cause of death during the nation’s hottest summer in 60 years. A new phrase has been circulating in Paris: “Its not the heat, … Continue reading Je Ne Sais French
Gory Details13 years ago
ABC is working to quiet rumors of a major retooling of their science fiction drama ‘V’. One anonymous source reported, “yes, we are making one small change to the script after having consulted with Nobel Prize winner and former Vice President of the United States Al Gore. Now, instead of the visitors coming to take … Continue reading Gory Details
Words Of Wisdom12 years ago
Sarah Palin was awarded the 2010 “Word of the Year” for typing “refudiate” in her Twitter feed. Second place went to my cat for typing the the word “wefvpo;g” as he walked over my keyboard last week. Also, Rich Hall from HBO’s Not Necessarily the News called and wants his Sniglet back.
Election Coverage20 years ago
Republicans accused Democrats of turning the memorial service for Paul Wellstone into a rousing political rally. When asked about how the unexpected death of the Minnesota Senator is going to effect the upcoming election, one Republican looked around suspiciously before speaking in a calm and controlled tone, “Yes, it was an accident.”
Siri Snooping9 years ago
I’ve peered into my 17-months-into-the-future crystal ball, and a disturbing development has come to light. An unnamed evil marketing company has developed a new interactive robo-calling computer with the objective of selling a specific product or service. This practice, known as “Siri Snooping,” can simultaneously interact with tens of thousands of humans using countless different … Continue reading Siri Snooping
The Real Santa21 years ago
Things got weird for me, however, when "Santa" turned out to be my high school math teacher.
Estate Planning9 years ago
In a recent interview on Fox News Sunday the Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney placed the blame for not winning the election squarely on his campaign’s failure to connect with minority voters. His wife, however, was quick to place blame on the fourth estate. “And just to be clear about this, when I say ‘fourth … Continue reading Estate Planning
The Silver Screams19 years ago
Welcome to the first debate for the 2004 Presidential Election here on the Fox News Network. We have with us, from the Republican side, current President George “Dubya” Bush. Representing the Democrats tonight is Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman. In order to give the American people more of what we think they want, the theme of … Continue reading The Silver Screams
Making A Difference20 years ago
Republican Senator Trent Lott apologized once again for a recent comment made regarding Strom Thurmond’s 1948 presidential campaign based on a segregationist platform. Meanwhile, democrats have officially adopted an “anti-dixiecrat Lott-bashing” platform for the 2004 elections.
Thoughts On Star Trek: Voyager21 years ago
I can say without any doubt that she has her own "prime directive" to cause bodily harm to any one who thinks its cool to wear a Klingon forehead apparatus in public.
In Television News19 years ago
Fox announced plans today for yet another high-profile reality show. Twenty teenage female contestants will compete against each other for a year long contract to help promote maxi pads, tampons, and other feminine hygiene products. When asked how long this reality show theme can go on, one high ranking network official replied, “While the general … Continue reading In Television News
2001 Christmas Letter21 years ago
The idea was about as appealing as a “Three’s Company” television reunion special (likely plot line: Chrissy isn’t pregnant—she’s menopausal.)
Boxer Delivery13 years ago
I spent a few minutes playing with a customer’s dog this afternoon while he finished taping up a box. When the package was ready he asked if I wanted to wash my hands. I glanced down at my perpetually-dirty-whenever-I’m-at-work hands, smiled at the dog, and told the guy, “No thanks, but you may want to … Continue reading Boxer Delivery
Better Than The Maze16 years ago
Having a cigarette while drinking may reduce the effects of the alcohol, scientists suggest – but the tests have only been carried out on rats so far. The lead scientist explained, “we did everything within reason to create a nice bar scene for the rats, but when all was said and done it wasn’t much … Continue reading Better Than The Maze
Women Are Strange21 years ago
The biggest thing I would have NOT done in high school if I could do it all over again would be attending my senior prom.
X Marks The Spot19 years ago
Researchers at John Hopkins have been forced to retract a highly publicized paper linking the drug Ecstasy to serious brain damage after discovering that they had actually administered a different drug to most of the animals in their study. The head researcher commented, “The problem, without going into too much detail, centered around the annual … Continue reading X Marks The Spot
That Is Correct Your Honor19 years ago
Former “Tonight Show” sidekick Ed McMahon has been pursuing legal action against multiple defendants because of toxic mold that allegedly sickened his family and made his Beverly Hills mansion unlivable. The insurance companies and cleanup contractors received identical letters stating, “Congratulations! I may already be a winner– I’m suing you!”
Not in Russian Anymore10 years ago
I was looking through my wordpress admin page and I noticed more than 1,000 spam responses in the comments section. By default I don’t post any of these to my site, but just for fun I looked through some of the stuff that people are trying to get on my site. About half of the … Continue reading Not in Russian Anymore
Internet Cafe20 years ago
You see fellows, you are in the Internet Bar. In here all the rules of talking to people through Instant Messenger apply.
Enclosure: Part 22 months ago
I learned a few lessons from the original enclosure. The main takeaway was to not make it just barely big enough to fit the CNC machine. The drag chains would rub against the top in certain places and I didn’t leave enough space for the vacuum hoses. The second problem I encountered was that … Continue reading Enclosure: Part 2
Adding Fuel To The Fire19 years ago
After finishing his State of the Union speech, the President took a moment to respond to concerns regarding the nation’s policy towards North Korea. “We can launch an attack the minute we finish building that battalion of hydrogen-powered armored vehicles.”
The Profiler13 years ago
All I want is a beautiful elven princess who possesses eternal beauty, courage, passion, and kindness but is willing to give it all up for a stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder
Men Are From Mars18 years ago
President Bush said on Tuesday his proposals for a space program that would take man to the Moon and Mars, criticized by some for its high cost, would be affordable. “We can get half way there,” the Commander in Chief explained, “just by climbing on top of all the money I’ve collected for the next … Continue reading Men Are From Mars
Step One: Find A Partner12 years ago
a majority of Americans prefer to emulate their favorite masked Mexican wrestling superstars during sex.
Hitting The Wall9 years ago
So I was watching Wall-E the other day for the Nth time (where N=N+1, which explains how many times my kiddos want to see this particular movie) and I noticed something that bothered me and now I can’t get it out of my head. When Wall-E is hanging on to the outside of the rocket … Continue reading Hitting The Wall
1995 Christmas Letter27 years ago
Dear friend, Another year has passed before us and I am taking time out of my busy schedule to personally write you this letter explaining to you what is going on in my life. Please do not infer that just because I am constantly referring to you in the generic second person and not including … Continue reading 1995 Christmas Letter
Wind Of Change8 years ago
So as of this Saturday I’ve officially been a full time package driver at United Parcel Service for 10 years. Only another 10 or 20 years left until I can retire and start drawing my pension. Too bad I didn’t start at UPS earlier. Also, I’ve come to the realization that I only have 12 … Continue reading Wind Of Change
Flights Of Fancy19 years ago
The Hong Kong based Blue Box Toys company announced plans to distribute a one-foot-tall GI Joe doll of the president called “Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush– U.S. President and Naval Aviator.” A spokesperson for the company commented, “We are excited to release this new doll, especially after the marketing department killed plans for a … Continue reading Flights Of Fancy
Free Passage18 years ago
McDonalds is spending $300,000 to fly Charlie Bell to Australia in a special medically-equipped corporate jet. Bell, who recently resigned the top position at the golden arches, will return to his native country and continue his battle against colorectal cancer. In a similar gesture of medical goodwill, the world’s largest fast food franchise will soon … Continue reading Free Passage
Mile High Club18 years ago
In the wake of record-high crude oil prices, one national newspaper reporter asked the President what can be done to conserve this limited resource. The Commander-in-Chief replied, “We all must do our part to conserve fuel. I, for example, have retracted my open invitation for Rush Limbaugh to travel with me on Air Force One.”
Solo Weekend9 years ago
My wife doesn't seem to want to watch Highlander with me much anymore. Well, that isn't exactly true-- she really never wanted to see it from, I suspect, the moment of her birth.
How Computers Work Part 721 years ago
This situation is quite similar to the safe guards put in place in the movie, "Jurassic Park" to keep the dinosaurs from reproducing. And we all know how well that worked out.
Build A Boat13 years ago
"Let's Get Our Ship Together!"
Jack Of All Trades13 years ago
Action star and martial artist Jackie Chan recently stirred up controversy with a comment that the general Chinese population “needs to be controlled.” When asked how the government should subdue a nation of 1.3 billion people, Mr. Chan replied simply, “ladders.”
Getting Jerked Around20 years ago
The Supreme Court recently refused to hear the case brought by William Reno Gerber. Currently serving a life sentence in a California prison, Gerber fought for the right to ship sperm to his wife. California’s state Attorney General commented about the decision, “The law recognizes that individuals who commit serious crimes forfeit many rights that … Continue reading Getting Jerked Around
Patent Description3 years ago
HEAT PUMP BACKGROUND Technical Field of the Invention: [0001] The present invention is related in general to heat transfer apparatus and methods, and more specifically to heat pumps for moving heat from one environment to another environment. State of the Prior Art [0002] A heat pump generally comprises a system with an evaporator, a compressor, a condenser, a … Continue reading Patent Description
1998 Christmas Letter24 years ago
Welcome to my fourth annual Christmas letter. Well, I can’t pretend my life wasn’t drastically changed this year when my dad died. I’ve tried not to dwell on it too much, but I don’t think that I could write my annual Christmas letter pretending that it never happened. Don’t worry though– that isn’t all that … Continue reading 1998 Christmas Letter
Problems On The Hill21 years ago
The unusually cold winter this season has given Boulder a few months of calm from the recurring problem of wildly inappropriate behavior up on the Hill. As a mix of retail, housing, and Greek organizations, the area west of the CU Boulder campus known as the Hill has become a real black eye for both … Continue reading Problems On The Hill