Lutfey.com

  • After giving it a bit of thought, I’ve decided on some possible goals for the next 10 years.  At the moment I’ve got two somewhat different directions:
    Create a trumpet, baritone, and tuba playing and singing street performance troupe.  I used to play the baritone in high school marching band, so I just need a trumpet and tuba player. Also, I don’t know anything about how to arrange or write music, so at least one of the team members will need experience in this area.  (and FYI for anyone interested–  I don’t know many keys, if I see too many sharp signs I get dizzy.)

    I plan on starting the routine with a new take on “dueling banjos” and move on through various popular music references.  One example would be to play “Cecilia” and then have a more accurate version revealing she was actually a call girl for Art Garfunkel.  Okay, so what rhymes with “prostitute”?

    The second plan is to run for the House of Representative’s Fourth District in Colorado.  I think I would do quite well as a UPS driver who delivers packages over a large area in the district.  I mean, really, who doesn’t have a good opinion of their local UPS driver?  I plan on running a grass roots campaign that will include appearing in part one of an unknown number of Stephen Colbert’s new segment, “Better Know a Long Shot Challenger for Congress”.  The highlight of the segment will be me riding my kinetics craft up and down the street in a dignified manner.

    I haven’t completely defined my policy goals, but some of the ideas that have come to mind include standardizing tupperware lids, a la carte cable and satellite options, and switching to daylight savings time all year round.  That last one is something that most people don’t care about with the exception of UPS drivers and golf course owners.

    So stay tuned.  I’m open to suggestions in both areas, and I have a lot of time to plan this out.  I don’t want to rush things.

  • While various barrier methods of birth control have been around since the ancient Egyptians were putting up those lovely pyramids, I’ve come to realize the most effective barrier method to date.

    Step one:  The woman lays down on the bed on the left side.  She can position herself on her stomach, back, or side– whichever position is most comfortable.

    Step two:  The man lays down on the other side of the bed.  He too can position himself as to maximize comfort.

    Step three:  When the initial contact between the man and woman is made a signal is sent (the exact transmission method is unknown) to the one year old child sleeping in the adjoining bedroom.  This signal causes the child’s “I don’t want you to have sex” alarm to be activated.  The alarm system can only be deactivated by placing the child in between the man and the woman.  At this point the infant will promptly go back to sleep.  This guarantees the prevention of any type of sexual penetration for the rest of the night.

  • Village Inn suggests you change your schedule:

    Sunday: Shut your pie hole

    Monday: Shut your pie hole

    Tuesday: Shut your pie hole

    Wednesday: Open your pie hole!

    Thursday: Shut your pie hole

    Friday: Shut your pie hole

    Saturday: Shut your pie hole