Republicans in Congress are attempting to eliminate funding for a federal program which provides low income women basic reproductive services such as low-cost cervical and breast cancer screening. “Hey, maybe these guys aren’t so bad after all.” commented the Taliban.

Recently unemployed actor Charlie Sheen announced plans for a stand-up tour in Chicago and Detroit.  “Tickets will be free,” explains Sheen, “But before the show we will pass around collection plates.  Once I get at least two million dollars, then I’ll start the show.”

“So I asked my girlfriend how she would rate me in bed, and she said I was average.  What a let down.”

“But aren’t you the only one she has ever slept with?”

“What’s your point?”