Marty walks into the empty lab with no sign of either Doc or his four legged friend Einstein. Marty straps on his guitar and plugs it into the large amplifier. A UPS truck wildly pulls into the garage just as Marty begins to play. For no obvious reason the vehicle is covered in ice and steam. An old man in a UPS uniform and a scruffy dog exit the truck. Marty sets down the guitar and cautiously investigates the situation.
“Doc– where have you been?” Marty asks.
The Doc looks down at his watch and yells, “Great Scott! I didn’t realize how long I’ve been gone.”
Marty looks at the Doc’s clothes and with a puzzled look on his face asks, “What’s up with the new clothes?”
“You see Marty, I decided to make a change in my life, so I signed up to be a seasonal UPS driver.”
“Well, at least you aren’t messing with that time machine anymore. That thing was nothing but trouble.”
“I know Marty, but I’ve finally figured out how to make it work!” The Doc explains as he gestures towards the UPS truck.
“You built a time machine out of a UPS TRUCK?”
“No, no, no, Marty. I’ve realized the problems encountered when changing the timeline for one’s own personal agenda. So I took the original design and made some key modifications. You are now looking at the worlds first ON TIME MACHINE!”
“What?”
“No time to explain– just put this on.” The Doc orders as he throws a UPS vest at Marty. “We’ve got work to do!”
The Doc starts organizing packages in the back and after putting on the vest, Marty looks at the truck and runs toward the front hood. He tries to jump on the hood and slide over to the driver side, but the hood is too high up and at a steep angle. He rolls across the front bumper several times awkwardly before falling to the ground.
The Doc, too busy organizing packages to notice what just happened, warned Marty, “By the way, don’t try that dramatic sliding across the hood trick. The height and average angle of the hood is not conducive to entering the vehicle in that manner. A more practical method of entering and exiting the vehicle is to use three points of contact.”
“Point taken Doc.” Marty says as he brushes the off his clothes and gets into the passenger side of the truck. “So why are we doing this anyway?”
“Marty, I’ve discovered that key points in history have been negatively impacted by packages not being delivered on time. If we can fix these anomalies once and for all we can restore the original intent of the timeline. All we have to do is travel back in time a make the deliveries when they were originally supposed to take place.” The Doc explains as he starts up the engine. The vehicle rumbles to life and rolls outside. It gains speed going down the road. Soon a bright light flashes and they all disappear– the only evidence of their presence is lingering flames from the tires.
Wal-Mart Stores Inc., the nation’s largest private employer, plans to end automatic profit-sharing contributions for its employees in a revamp of its benefits package. A Human Resource representative for the company explained the changes. “Now, instead of giving money to all those employees over and over again, we are going to give these people a chance to live, at a very reasonable cost, in a vibrant, rugged community with fellow employees on the rooftops where they work. Outside of public view, obviously.”
AOL said on Tuesday that it was buying the influential technology news blog TechCrunch for a reported $25 million dollars in order to bolster its growing online editorial business. When asked about plans for their latest purchase, a high ranking AOL official replied, “Based on our previous acquisitions, we plan on throwing away everything useful in this new company and putting the company for sale on Ebay. Oh look, it is already listed, and someone just bid $10!”