The Zero Effect October 21, 2002
A White House spokesman stated Monday that the United States will insist on a “zero tolerance” policy regarding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. To put this in perspective, the Bush administration assigned Iran and North Korea, the remaining two-thirds of the “Axis of Evil,” tolerance levels of five and eleven.
Slowing Down In Boulder March 23, 2001
People covet that which is new and shiny. This universal truth has been demonstrated once again in the south suburbs of Denver, Colorado on Tuesday when hundreds of people waited for hours in the freezing early morning fog as the first Krispy Kreme store opened. I find this entertaining not because people camped out the […]
Eye Of Newt November 18, 2012
Newt Gingrich slammed Mitt Romney’s assertion last week that he lost the 2012 presidential election because of “gifts” President Barack Obama gave to blacks, Hispanics and younger voters during his first term in the White House. “It’s nuts,” Gingrich explained. “The job of a political leader in part is to understand the people. If we […]
Stalling Repairs February 19, 2003
The Los Angeles School District plans to spend $10 million to repair school restrooms after a TV report showed facilities that were dirty, broken down, or even locked. While many supporters describe the action as desperately needed, a small group of California taxpayers describe the plan as little more than throwing money down the toilet.
Having Kids Ruined My Netflix Account November 26, 2012
This is really more of a problem with Netflix than my kids. While I go off to work my kids like to watch stuff like “The Cat in the Hat” and “The Mickey Mouse Fun House.” Which is fine, but then we put the kids to bed, come downstairs, and fire up Netflix only to […]
Chronic Pain August 20, 2003
Hundreds of people in England are being recruited to take Cannabis after operations. In the clinical study, 400 patients will test a Cannabis-based prototype produced by GW Pharmaceuticals to determine the drug’s effectiveness in reducing post-operative pain. The announcement of this study sent the companies stock up 7.5 percent to a two-month high. The stock […]
The Real World: The Next Generation July 3, 2005
This is the true story of seven strangers, picked to live on a starship and have their lives holographically recorded, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL. The Real World: The Next Generation!
Free Bird July 1, 2003
Pop singer Rachel Farris and her independent record label are embedding mini-CDs in the lids of 4.8 million soft drink cups to be distributed at movie theaters and amusement parks. One music executive, who asked to remain anonymous, commented on this unique promotion, “As an industry, we want to send the message that we can […]
In International News October 16, 2002
Archaeologists in London have recently unearthed the oldest known plaque with the city’s name. The Italian marble sign, which dates to 50-150 A.D., is dedicated to Roman emperors and was discovered in an area that will eventually be covered up by a housing development. In addition to the impressive age and condition, researchers also report […]
2016 Christmas Letter December 25, 2016
Countless people– well, OK, maybe three or four– have been asking about what happened to my 2015 Christmas Letter. Was I abducted by aliens who erased my memories? Perhaps, but I have no way of knowing. Was I too lazy to spend 0.03% of the time I’m on my computer to stop playing Candy Crush […]
Relationship Tip #57 January 23, 2013
If you are dating a woman and are considering “taking things to the next level” (such as spending the rest of your lives together or lending her your spare grocery store rewards card) I would highly recommend that you do a little bit of research on the Internet and check out how she fares in […]
Quirky 2 January 26, 2014
So I was playing around on my computer last night and I submitted another idea I’ve been kicking around in my head for the past few months. I don’t have anywhere near the time and effort into this idea as my remote control stuff, but I still think it has a lot of potential. Feel […]
One Ecstatic Birthday June 11, 2003
The game is over, Madame Lovejoy. I know you are hopped up on E!
Kinetics: In The Beginning January 29, 2006
Completing the race dressed up as, say, a medieval wizard riding on a purple, fire breathing dragon, now that’s doing it in STYLE.
Getting Published April 4, 2009
Kind of like putting a rubber band around the trigger of the pull out sprayer at the kitchen sink so when the next person turns on the water it shoots straight at their chest.
Gods Playing Poker September 15, 2002
Jesus: Just this morning I produced my image in a tortilla in a small town in eastern Texas. Thor: I’ve always admired you for that.
Trip To Pennsylvania December 15, 2001
Their experience seemed quite disorienting and nauseating, which is exactly why they found it entertaining beyond description.
The Silver Screams September 24, 2003
Welcome to the first debate for the 2004 Presidential Election here on the Fox News Network. We have with us, from the Republican side, current President George “Dubya” Bush. Representing the Democrats tonight is Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman. In order to give the American people more of what we think they want, the theme of […]
Tuesday Morning May 21, 2009
A chain store called “Tuesday Morning” opened up a year or so ago in Loveland, Colorado. I keep wondering how they came up with the name. To the best of my knowledge, they sell a variety of overstocked gift type items at rather low prices. Even though I know exectly what they sell, I keep […]
2022 Goals: The Streets Or Capitol Hill February 23, 2011
After giving it a bit of thought, I’ve decided on some possible goals for the next 10 years. At the moment I’ve got two somewhat different directions:Create a trumpet, baritone, and tuba playing and singing street performance troupe. I used to play the baritone in high school marching band, so I just need a trumpet […]
Brown Collar Song April 5, 2009
When I was just a young boyI didn’t know what to doBouncing through jobsDrifting without a clue Then one day my purpose became clearI felt a few inches tallerThe very first timeI wore the brown collar So now I go door to doorJust a spreading my wordMy presence is knownWhen I’m not seen or heard […]
Making A Difference December 12, 2002
Republican Senator Trent Lott apologized once again for a recent comment made regarding Strom Thurmond’s 1948 presidential campaign based on a segregationist platform. Meanwhile, democrats have officially adopted an “anti-dixiecrat Lott-bashing” platform for the 2004 elections.
Output Error May 2, 2010
I’m not going to name names, but SOMEONE decided to make a big mess, and I mean really, really unpleasant stuff, in her diaper RIGHT AFTER she spit up all over my favorite Battlestar Galactica shirt while I was trying to watch the season finale of Caprica. OK, it was Isabel.
Mission Possible January 6, 2015
So I’m sitting here in my home on a quiet Saturday morning before anyone else has woken up thinking about things I want to accomplish in my lifetime. Here are a few randomly selected items on my list: Make a complete list of everything I want to accomplish in my lifetime (so I will know […]
2012 Christmas Letter December 25, 2012
Once the race started my craft went about ten feet into the water at which point something happened that could best be described as “sudden massive critical widespread structural failures.”
AT&T Drops Tiger NYC December 31, 2009
Telecommunication giant AT&T recently announced plans to drop sponsorship of Tiger Woods due to his indefinite break from professional golf and infidelity issues. AT&T has also recently stopped selling certain phones in New York City for unknown reasons. This has led Tiger and NYC to become friends on Facebook and send each other messages about […]
Annoying Sleeping Habits February 1, 2002
NOTE TO SELF: eat two more chocolate eclairs before bed to fulfill the recommended daily allowance of vanilla goo
Wall Eyed October 20, 2003
China’s first man in space said the Earth looked beautiful from his orbiting capsule but he couldn’t find the Great Wall. “I tried to see it,” Yang Liwei told reporters, “but when I booked the flight I could only get an aisle seat. The gentleman next to the window closed the blind so he could […]
Play Time August 27, 2010
you heard it here first, for whatever that is worth
Common Sense May 15, 2011
Several members of the Republican party, including Karl Rove and Sarah Palin, have openly criticized President Barack Obama for inviting the rap star Common to read a short poem at a recent White House Poetry event. “We don’t want this to come off as racists old school thinking,” the Republicans explained in a press release, […]
License Plate May 29, 2008
OK, so I’m driving around in a UPS truck this afternoon and I saw the following personalized license plate without any spaces in between the letters: BIGAL I guess the meaning really depends on where you put the space.
Build A Boat September 19, 2009
“Let’s Get Our Ship Together!”
Road Trip September 6, 2001
Perhaps I’ve watched a few too many episodes of “Xena Warrior Princess.”
2020 Christmas Letter December 25, 2020
If I ever end up murdered from a shattered “Best In Show” DVD being lodged in my neck and/or eye sockets, it was TOTALLY my wife.
Bright Eyes February 8, 2014
Delivering packages at the mall is making me feel old. I was at Sephora this week when one of the girls asked if I would get mad if she moved by me as I was unloading packages. I replied that I was “living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.” None of the three […]
Men And Women April 12, 2001
The odds of throwing out your back while putting dirty clothes into the hamper are quite small.
In School News September 6, 2002
Parents in Aspen, Colorado claim that plans to teach yoga violate federal rulings that bar religion in the classroom. The district’s yoga program was developed after September 11 to help make children feel safer in school. When questioned about this controversy, President Bush responded, “Before we let this issue create a division among us, we […]
Lord Of The Rings October 8, 2005
Gandolf, you silly old man. We live in Middle Earth, but that doesn’t mean we must live in the Middle Ages.
2003 Christmas Letter December 25, 2003
One side of my brain (I’m not sure which– possibly the inside) is busy mentally writing a letter to the cracker company.
Wood Masters April 13, 2013
Tiger Wood’s girlfriend Lindsey Vonn plans to accompany the number one ranked golfer at the year’s Masters tournament. When asked about Wood’s past relationships, she commented, “Does anyone know exactly what happened? As far as I can tell it was just a case of he said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she […]
Energy Bar April 17, 2003
The Bush administration has taken an unusual step of asking a federal appeals court to stop a lawsuit investigating Vice President Dick Cheney’s relationship with energy industry executives and lobbyists. During the proceedings one of the lawyers explained, “this is the same government that investigated Clinton for years and couldn’t come through with the money […]
Getting Dumped April 25, 2002
Henry doesn’t worry about hooking up stereo speakers or rifling through boxes trying to find a clean pair of underwear.
Rats! December 2, 2007
I’m sure we can get people to live there when we can change the name from ‘Rat Island’ to ‘Dead Rat Island.’
Thoughts On Star Trek: Voyager April 26, 2001
I can say without any doubt that she has her own “prime directive” to cause bodily harm to any one who thinks its cool to wear a Klingon forehead apparatus in public.
Going Down December 17, 2002
Still working damage control, Senator Trent Lott recently appeared on Black Entertainment Television to apologize for recent racially insensitive comments. While many viewers found his thirty-minute speech unconvincing, the Senate Republican leader generally received high marks for his introductory break-dance routine.
In High Technology January 9, 2003
Microsoft Corporation recently announced plans to enhance everyday objects such as watches and refrigerator magnets. These devices will provide users with up-to-date information regarding sports scores, traffic reports, and, somewhere down the road, home power outages and threats at your children’s school. When asked about this new technology, Microsoft founder Bill Gates commented, “While I’m […]
Hitting The Books April 12, 2005
Mike Tyson and Kevin McBride have announced plans for a June 11, 2005 boxing fight in Washington, D.C. Tyson, currently $30 million in debt, commented at the press conference, “after pulverizing this man I’ll have another win under my belt, more respect from the boxing community, and roughly $2 million more debt to add to […]
Military Operations September 20, 2002
When questioned on the situation in the Middle East, former Vice President Dan Quayle responded, “Don’t you mean IRAQUE?”
Let’s Have This Baby April 3, 2010
Isabel had to make a few adjustments like breathing air, receiving nutrition through her mouth, and not being allowed to lounge around all day in that warm soft jacuzzi of a uterus.
Interview With Ertok February 22, 2001
A lot of newfunny readers are curious to learn more about Ertok. For those of you who are new to the site, Ertok is an Evil Alien Overlord that oversees my work on the newfunny web site. The Evil Alien Overlords are planning to enslave the human race and create a planetary network of mining […]