Condemned killer Kenneth Biros could become the first person in the country put to death with a single dose of an intravenous anesthetic instead of the usual — and faster-acting — process if his execution proceeds Tuesday.  This new process is believed to be more humane than the previous method of strapping the individual into a chair and forcing them to watch old episodes of “The View” until they became bored to death.

In a recent interview on the Oprah Winfrey show, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin described the President’s economic plan as “back-assward.”  She went on to explain how her plan would be different when she runs for Office in 2012.  “When I sit down at that big desk in the White House, the first thing I’ll do is fix this economic disaster by getting rid of all these overly complex rules that only benefit those shady characters on Wall Street and make things nice and simple by declaring that the dollar is worth exactly one pound of caribou meat and all new home loans will be backed by the snow machines in your garage.  The second thing I’ll do is boldly stand at the window and wave to all of our neighboring countries.”

The shit really hit the fan today at work, so I confronted my supervisor and told him that somebody doesn’t know how to use that new high-tech bidet they put in the men’s bathroom.