Pain In The Ass June 29, 2003
A recently completed study in the United Kingdom discovered a link between alcohol consumption and rectal cancer. The research team found people who consume more than fourteen drinks a week are three times more likely than non-drinkers to develop the disease. The report came with the following warning, “if you go out to your local […]
Bursting At The Seams November 7, 2002
Actor and director Kevin Costner recently underwent surgery to remove his appendix. In addition to being inflamed and irritated, the organ in question cited “artistic and personal differences” when it formally requested to be removed from Mr. Costner’s abdominal cavity.
This Old Crack House July 21, 2003
If you would like to build a meth lab in your house, a set of measured drawings is available on our website.
Weirdos In Town November 16, 2001
I truly believe that people, organizations, and entire nations expose the true content of their character when cruelty and misfortune test the limits of human endurance. When the fringe elements of a culture force their views on the rest of society through radical and unlawful acts, we must strive as a country to respond with […]
Rush To Judgement November 17, 2003
Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh returned to his long-running radio show today after being absent for five weeks in an effort to break his dependence on prescription pain medication. When asked about the situation, Mr. Limbaugh commented, “While I have made some progress in dealing with the pain pills, the five weeks I’ve been off the […]
The Real Santa June 15, 2001
Things got weird for me, however, when “Santa” turned out to be my high school math teacher.
2007 Christmas Letter December 25, 2007
On a side note, he didn’t seem to enjoy the memory nasal probe. None of them do.
2021 Christmas Letter December 25, 2021
You! Yes YOU! The one reading this letter– somehow I can communicate with you while you are reading this. You can write your very own Christmas letter! No permits, licensing deals, or shady backroom arrangements required.
2012 Review December 31, 2012
My resolution for 2013 is to finally get invited to a masquerade party. Sci-fi themed or otherwise.
Pound For Pound January 5, 2008
Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett recently challenged it’s citizens to collectively lose one million pounds through change in diet and exercise after being ranked in the top 10 of America’s Fattest Cities. After hearing the news, the two half million pound men in the front row looked at each other and asked, “That’s all great […]
Aw, Snap! January 7, 2014
After reportedly turning down a three billion dollar buyout offer from Facebook for their service that sends messages which disappear seconds after being read, the leaders of Snapchat are facing new issues after hackers exploited a weakness in the software that allowed them to download the usernames and phone numbers of 4.6 million users. When […]
Supporting Children December 4, 2002
President Bush signed into law legislation to create a new kids-safe domain on the internet. The “.kids.us” domain will contain content acceptable for children under the age of 13. When the president signed the bill, he went on record saying, “I support this child net safety law– especially after I saw that musical fella dangling […]
Judge Dread April 20, 2005
Continuing his unbridled assault on the nation’s judicial system, House Majority leader Tom Delay voiced strong criticism for Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, noting that Kennedy was guilty of “writing decisions based upon international law… and doing his own research on the Internet.” Delay finished his statement saying, “What happened to the good old days […]
Personal Grooming April 4, 2009
You may be asking yourself how this is Ancient, Chinese, or a secret. The old Chinese man I have locked in my basement taught me how to do it.
Cosmic Error April 8, 2014
After reading the dozen tweets from Neil deGrasse Tyson regarding the accuracy of the movie Gravity, I would like to point out a glaring inaccuracy in the title sequence of the television series Cosmos. Even if you could travel faster than the speed of light through the cosmos the stars wouldn’t appear to move relative to […]
Get Some Glass App May 7, 2013
I highly recommend this for anyone looking to meet someone new when everyone else you know describes you as hopelessly boring, lacking any knowledge of current events, and/or obsessed with changes made to the 1997 re-release of “Star Wars: A New Hope.”
Irregular April 4, 2009
“That’s a nice shirt/pair of shoes/lavishly decorated tiara”
The Dukes Of Hazzard August 15, 2009
With an odd blank look on his face Enos stared off to the distance and said, to nobody in particular, “I want to see Daisy’s womanly abilities….”
Inexpensive Solar Collector September 17, 2009
Back in the day you could ask AOL for as many CDs as you wanted, but I’m not sure that would fly today.
Mouse Problems November 26, 2002
Sixty passengers on a Disney cruise have fallen ill on the ship’s latest voyage, prompting officials to bring aboard the former head of the Centers for Disease Control to oversee the cleanup operations. The Disney spokesman described the sickness as “like the flu” and said the symptoms are mostly vomiting and diarrhea. The outbreak started […]
Living It Up November 22, 2002
A recent study found more pedestrians died on California streets than any other state in the nation. Last year, 731 pedestrians were killed in the Golden State. North Dakota came in dead last with three pedestrian fatalities. The study noted, however, that the rankings were reversed for the number of people who died of boredom.
Mile High Club April 9, 2004
In the wake of record-high crude oil prices, one national newspaper reporter asked the President what can be done to conserve this limited resource. The Commander-in-Chief replied, “We all must do our part to conserve fuel. I, for example, have retracted my open invitation for Rush Limbaugh to travel with me on Air Force One.”
2003 Christmas Letter December 25, 2003
One side of my brain (I’m not sure which– possibly the inside) is busy mentally writing a letter to the cracker company.
Trip To Pennsylvania December 15, 2001
Their experience seemed quite disorienting and nauseating, which is exactly why they found it entertaining beyond description.
Panama City, Panama Vacation March 21, 2025
Bare Essentials January 29, 2008
A German travel agency recently announced it would start taking bookings for a trial nudist day trip from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the popular Baltic Sea resort of Usedom. The 55 passengers will have to remain clothed until they board, and dress before disembarking. When asked what effect this will have on […]
Island Paradise July 11, 2003
An unidentified British financier recently spent $40 million for an apartment space facing Central Park in New York City. After the deal was finalized, the landlord warned the new tenant, “No loud music, no drugs, or I get you arrested and someone else gets your apartment.”
Wall Eyed October 20, 2003
China’s first man in space said the Earth looked beautiful from his orbiting capsule but he couldn’t find the Great Wall. “I tried to see it,” Yang Liwei told reporters, “but when I booked the flight I could only get an aisle seat. The gentleman next to the window closed the blind so he could […]
Eight: Moderately Annoying Sins January 10, 2002
John springs into action when customers tear off one banana from the bunch and put the lone piece of fruit back on the display.
Another Clark Joke April 21, 2012
After learning of the death of Dick Clark, a group of Nigerian businessmen have been sending out numerous invitations via email to help the world deal with this unexpected loss through their latest endeavor “The $25,000 Pyramid Scheme.”
In Box Office News September 12, 2002
The low-budget, independently produced film, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” reached the number one spot for box office revenue this week. After being released in April, the feel-good romantic comedy steadily climbed the charts– beating out several movies featuring high-profile actors and state-of-the-art special effects. Taking note of the unexpected success, Hollywood recently green-lighted a […]
Problems On The Hill March 8, 2001
The unusually cold winter this season has given Boulder a few months of calm from the recurring problem of wildly inappropriate behavior up on the Hill. As a mix of retail, housing, and Greek organizations, the area west of the CU Boulder campus known as the Hill has become a real black eye for both […]
Tuesday Morning May 21, 2009
A chain store called “Tuesday Morning” opened up a year or so ago in Loveland, Colorado. I keep wondering how they came up with the name. To the best of my knowledge, they sell a variety of overstocked gift type items at rather low prices. Even though I know exectly what they sell, I keep […]
Why I Want My Own Route July 23, 2009
Here are the exact directions (meaning I’m not making any of this up) to 4580 County Road 68, Wellington, Colorado: Go north on I-25 and get off at the Wellington exit. Head north on the east side frontage road until you see a sign for CR68. There is only one house on the road and […]
2022 Goals: The Streets Or Capitol Hill February 23, 2011
After giving it a bit of thought, I’ve decided on some possible goals for the next 10 years. At the moment I’ve got two somewhat different directions:Create a trumpet, baritone, and tuba playing and singing street performance troupe. I used to play the baritone in high school marching band, so I just need a trumpet […]
Alien Speak January 1, 2001
Thanks for subscribing to the newfunny.com newsletter. I created this site as a moderated showcase for the talents of up-and-coming comedy writers. So if you like to write and believe that you are the next Dave Berry or Douglas Adams, please feel free to submit your work. If you can’t write, but like to read […]
Jacked Up January 21, 2003
President Bush today reiterated that time is running out for Saddam Hussein. The Commander in Chief compared the situation to “a rerun of a bad movie and I’m not interested in watching.” The President summed up his speech by saying, “I want to watch a fun, new movie– preferably that one with the wacky computer-generated […]
Dancing With The Stars May 22, 2009
In the soon to be released “Terminator Salvation” the machines hypnotize people with their smooth steps and jazz hands– humanity never saw it coming.
And One Pill Makes You Small October 28, 2003
A report commissioned by the governor of Illinois found that the if the state purchased prescription drugs from Canada, the average retiree could save more than $1000 a year without compromising the safety or quality of their medications. When asked to respond to these findings, a spokesperson for an undisclosed drug company replied, “Sure, this […]
Getting Jerked Around November 20, 2002
The Supreme Court recently refused to hear the case brought by William Reno Gerber. Currently serving a life sentence in a California prison, Gerber fought for the right to ship sperm to his wife. California’s state Attorney General commented about the decision, “The law recognizes that individuals who commit serious crimes forfeit many rights that […]
A Word From Our Sponsors May 16, 2009
If you are a nobody, don’t call me– I’ve got a truckload of packages that need to get delivered before I can go home for the night.
Chicken Little January 8, 2003
P.E.T.A. is currently campaigning for a general boycott of Kentucky Fried Chicken. When queried, a spokesperson for the organization stated, “They are raising chickens in a safe and sanitary environment– we are just disgusted by the continued production of annoying commercials with that fat, annoying guy from Seinfeld.”
For Our Next Project July 26, 2002
Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University built a machine designed to demonstrate basic social skills. The robot, named Grace, is a 6-foot-tall drum shaped device which communicates through a digitally animated woman’s face. While the robot’s social abilities are minimal at best, the researcher’s modest goal is to have Grace appear at least as human as […]
In Political News August 15, 2002
Speaking at the foot of Mount Rushmore, President Bush took time out of his four-week working vacation to criticize congress on the issue of Homeland Security. “The Democrats in the Senate are intentionally limiting… [LOOKS AT TV MONITOR] Whoa, hey, look at this– my head is the same size as those up on the side […]
1997 Christmas Letter December 25, 1997
Well folks, it’s that time of year again– the days are getting shorter, annoying Christmas music is playing at the mall, the political forces that run our nation are gearing up for the next presidential election, and, of course, it’s time to publish my third annual Christmas letter. This brings up the question of whether […]
Slowing Down In Boulder March 23, 2001
People covet that which is new and shiny. This universal truth has been demonstrated once again in the south suburbs of Denver, Colorado on Tuesday when hundreds of people waited for hours in the freezing early morning fog as the first Krispy Kreme store opened. I find this entertaining not because people camped out the […]
2017 Christmas Letter December 25, 2017
I think the best approach is to assume the quality of the instructions is adequate at best and for a completely different type of product in the worst case.
Turning 40 April 4, 2014
So I finished turning 40 on Thursday. The biggest difference I’ve noticed is that when I deliver packages in the trailer park the trampy women aren’t throwing themselves at me like they did when I was 39 earlier in the week.
We’ve Got Ears Say Cheers May 19, 2013
Just a quick post for some predictions on where things are headed with this whole “technology” thing. We are going to see some new applications with noise canceling technology. Most commonly used in headphones to quiet unwanted sounds such as annoying coworkers, jet engines, and your daughter’s pet gerbil that sits in his cage as […]
To Tell The Truth November 30, 2001
Unfortunately, the very nature of the Cosmos doesn’t always provide clear cut answers.