World Peace November 22, 2002
Intense riots in Kaduna, Nigeria were sparked by a local newspaper article regarding the upcoming Miss World pageant. The front-page article claimed that if he was alive today, the Islamic prophet Mohamed probably would have chosen a wife from among the contestants. The developing African country won the right to host the competition last year […]
Siri Snooping September 22, 2013
I’ve peered into my 17-months-into-the-future crystal ball, and a disturbing development has come to light. An unnamed evil marketing company has developed a new interactive robo-calling computer with the objective of selling a specific product or service. This practice, known as “Siri Snooping,” can simultaneously interact with tens of thousands of humans using countless different […]
Star Search March 9, 2004
Astronomers using the Hubble Space telescope have released the deepest-ever image of the universe using a long duration exposure that provides a glimpse of the cosmos more than 13 billion years ago. “In addition to the clouds of space dust and ice particles,” one source close to the program explained, “we have discovered a very, […]
2011 Christmas Letter December 25, 2011
As was the case with Isabel’s birth, I looked stunning in the white sterile body suit I wore during the birthing procedure.
The Real World: The Next Generation July 3, 2005
This is the true story of seven strangers, picked to live on a starship and have their lives holographically recorded, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL. The Real World: The Next Generation!
Down The Rabbit Hole August 13, 2011
Officials at San Francisco’s Bay Area Rapid Transport admitted to shutting down cell phone service to disrupt a planned protest in the vicinity. While reaction to the news was mixed during the blackout, one man went on record saying, “I think this is a perfectly acceptable course of action given the need for public safety. […]
Kinetics: In The Beginning January 29, 2006
Completing the race dressed up as, say, a medieval wizard riding on a purple, fire breathing dragon, now that’s doing it in STYLE.
Lord Of The Rings October 8, 2005
Gandolf, you silly old man. We live in Middle Earth, but that doesn’t mean we must live in the Middle Ages.
Fighting Terrorism September 27, 2002
Citing security concerns, officials at Pittsburgh International Airport recently dedicated a replica of a Tyrannosaurus Rex by tearing the ribbon with their hands. In a totally unrelated story, FBI agents were called to the scene when passengers boarding a flight noticed a suspicious-looking individual attempting to fit a four-foot-long pair of novelty scissors in an […]
Interview With Ertok February 22, 2001
A lot of newfunny readers are curious to learn more about Ertok. For those of you who are new to the site, Ertok is an Evil Alien Overlord that oversees my work on the newfunny web site. The Evil Alien Overlords are planning to enslave the human race and create a planetary network of mining […]
House Calls February 5, 2012
Mitt Romney is still working to clarify his statement, “I’m not concerned about the very poor.” On an unplanned trip to chat with reporters in the rear of his campaign jet, the former Governor of Massachusetts worked to explain his intentions of the comment in question. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no,” Romney proclaimed. “I […]
Home Sweet Home July 5, 2004
As if I didn’t have enough to keep me busy between not getting fired at work and arranging my Netflix movie queue on the Internet
Wealth Tip September 3, 2013
Welcome to part seven of my randomly ordered, finite but arbitrary large set of financial tips: Hoard food coupons that do not contain expiration dates. If started early and executed properly, this method will provide free food between the years of 65 and 103.
Mr. Watson, Come Here April 17, 2011
After becoming bored beating almost all of the humans on the planet at the game show Jeopardy, the supercomputer known as Watson will start entertaining himself by creating a billion fake tweets every day. Twitter followers, after discovering the situation, by in large decide the fake tweets are more interesting than the real ones and […]
Good Oil Boys April 11, 2003
The Army Corps of Engineers today released details regarding a controversial plan to rebuild Iraq’s oilfields once the military campaign has ended. While some members of Congress are questioning the ethics of awarding a seven billion dollar contract without competitive bidding to a company once run by Vice President Dick Chaney, the Bush administration replied, […]
Jacked Up January 21, 2003
President Bush today reiterated that time is running out for Saddam Hussein. The Commander in Chief compared the situation to “a rerun of a bad movie and I’m not interested in watching.” The President summed up his speech by saying, “I want to watch a fun, new movie– preferably that one with the wacky computer-generated […]
Tick Tick Tick Tick January 6, 2013
Photograph sharing website Instagram created an uproar after announcing sweeping changes to their terms of service. The wave of negative publicity has forced the company to change their plans, with one high ranking company official stating off the record that “this ranks up there with one of the most blatant abuses of technology since CBS […]
One Large French Fry August 14, 2003
The continuing heat wave in Europe has reportedly led to 3,000 deaths in France. While neighboring countries called on military forces to help deal with the problem, France has been busy drafting a United Nations proposal asking the local climate to refrain from being so hot.
Thoughts On The Competition June 9, 2001
Is this a plan of action that will advance my writing career? I’m not really sure. Could it land me in jail? Quite possibly.
Revenge Of The Nerds: The Next Generation April 13, 2012
So I’ve been keeping up to date on this whole “CSU wants to build a new football stadium on campus even though they already have one a few miles off campus” ordeal. For everyone not up to speed on the matter, read the previous sentence. Now that everyone is caught up, one of the proposals […]
Irregular April 4, 2009
“That’s a nice shirt/pair of shoes/lavishly decorated tiara”
And One Pill Makes You Small October 28, 2003
A report commissioned by the governor of Illinois found that the if the state purchased prescription drugs from Canada, the average retiree could save more than $1000 a year without compromising the safety or quality of their medications. When asked to respond to these findings, a spokesperson for an undisclosed drug company replied, “Sure, this […]
2008 Christmas Letter December 25, 2008
I’m not saying Milliken is small– just go to the main restaurant in town, “Jose’s Taco Factory,” and ask anyone there.
Free Passage December 12, 2004
McDonalds is spending $300,000 to fly Charlie Bell to Australia in a special medically-equipped corporate jet. Bell, who recently resigned the top position at the golden arches, will return to his native country and continue his battle against colorectal cancer. In a similar gesture of medical goodwill, the world’s largest fast food franchise will soon […]
Remote Control Conserves Energy June 19, 2009
Most electronic devices that use a remote control are constantly wasting energy “listening” for signals from the remote control, even when they are turned off. The problem is magnified with home entertainment centers which use multiple devices, all of which are accessible with a remote control. I’ve applied for a patent for a remote control […]
Does It Come With Wheels April 8, 2010
President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev signed an agreement on Thursday to significantly reduce the superpowers’ nuclear arsenals to the lowest point since the arms race of the 1960s. While many experts applauded the effort, the issue of “loose nukes” such as suitcase bombs was left unresolved. When asked about this point, Obama […]
Cosmic Error April 8, 2014
After reading the dozen tweets from Neil deGrasse Tyson regarding the accuracy of the movie Gravity, I would like to point out a glaring inaccuracy in the title sequence of the television series Cosmos. Even if you could travel faster than the speed of light through the cosmos the stars wouldn’t appear to move relative to […]
Olympic Adventures Part 1 February 15, 2002
Despite my incredibly hectic schedule, I have managed to violate the known laws of physics by tearing a hole in the space time continuum large enough to permit a brief trip to the upcoming Olympics.
This Little Piggy May 13, 2003
A British teenager was recently forced to pay $160 to a policeman for calling him “fat.” The fine would have been higher, but the judge decided to deduct the cost of the pound of uncooked bacon the teen stuffed down the officers shirt during the altercation.
Devilish Numbers April 28, 2003
Military troops in the Middle East are on high alert because April 28, 2003 marks Saddam Hussein’s sixty-sixth birthday. Still trying to locate the former dictator, Marine ground forces are questioning all Iraqi citizens who leave grocery centers with two or more “number six” candles.
Save Some Bills June 8, 2011
Former President Bill Clinton said the United States could save more than $1 trillion a year by adopting any other advanced nation’s healthcare system. “That has to be one of the biggest lies that man has ever told to the American public” replied the group of people who get paid an extra trillion dollars a […]
Skyrocketing Ambitions July 23, 2005
The House Friday overwhelmingly endorsed President Bush’s vision to send man back to the lunar surface as it passed a bill to set NASA policy for the next two years. Speaking anonymously, one Democratic congressman commented, “Maybe, just maybe, things will get better down here if we let the President focus on invading the moon.”
Internet Cafe September 18, 2002
You see fellows, you are in the Internet Bar. In here all the rules of talking to people through Instant Messenger apply.
Cleaning Up September 20, 2002
Accused of looting hundreds of millions of dollars from Tyco International, former CEO Dennis Kozlowski now faces federal charges of corruption, conspiracy, and grand larceny. One of the prosecuting attorneys in the case went on record saying, “Six thousand dollars for a shower curtain! What does he think this is, the military?”
Pound For Pound January 5, 2008
Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett recently challenged it’s citizens to collectively lose one million pounds through change in diet and exercise after being ranked in the top 10 of America’s Fattest Cities. After hearing the news, the two half million pound men in the front row looked at each other and asked, “That’s all great […]
To Tell The Truth November 30, 2001
Unfortunately, the very nature of the Cosmos doesn’t always provide clear cut answers.
You Know You Are An Insomniac If October 30, 2001
Just to set the record straight, calculators have the 1,2,3 row on the bottom row while telephones put it on the top row.
Error Codes September 25, 2011
Wow, I was just looking back at my latest posts, and I realized that I haven’t posted any real updates about my personal life in a very long time. So here goes. We recently added a +1 to our family: Samatha Rose Lutfey. So now we have a total of one husband, one wife, two […]
Step One: Find A Partner February 6, 2010
a majority of Americans prefer to emulate their favorite masked Mexican wrestling superstars during sex.
New TLC Show August 15, 2009
Following the success of the show, “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” The Learning Channel greenlighted a sister show titled, “I Thought I Was Pregnant But It Turns Out I Was Just Getting Fat Really Quickly After My Boyfriend Dumped Me And I Just Sat Around On The Couch Eating Microwave Pizza and Twinkies All […]
Gory Details November 18, 2009
ABC is working to quiet rumors of a major retooling of their science fiction drama ‘V’. One anonymous source reported, “yes, we are making one small change to the script after having consulted with Nobel Prize winner and former Vice President of the United States Al Gore. Now, instead of the visitors coming to take […]
Adventures In Europe August 28, 2001
No matter how many times it happens to me, I’m never totally comfortable when I am stranded near a nuclear power plant and witness an explosion.
2009 Christmas Letter December 25, 2009
I would recommend to anyone who likes cake to go to a bakery that specializes in wedding cakes and pretend you are getting married.
Problems On The Hill March 8, 2001
The unusually cold winter this season has given Boulder a few months of calm from the recurring problem of wildly inappropriate behavior up on the Hill. As a mix of retail, housing, and Greek organizations, the area west of the CU Boulder campus known as the Hill has become a real black eye for both […]
For Our Next Project July 26, 2002
Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University built a machine designed to demonstrate basic social skills. The robot, named Grace, is a 6-foot-tall drum shaped device which communicates through a digitally animated woman’s face. While the robot’s social abilities are minimal at best, the researcher’s modest goal is to have Grace appear at least as human as […]
Internet Killed The TV Star November 23, 2014
I showed my kids “Video Killed the Radio Star” on YouTube today. This song has the honor of being the first video ever played on MTV. In a related story, MTV has announced it will play it’s very last music video later on this year.
2018 Christmas Letter December 25, 2018
Doggie heaven is great– the toys are the best and everyone loves it when you fart.
Omar And Katherine Lutfey April 18, 2009
I took my car to the shop to get the driver’s side power window fixed, a saw my doctor for my annual check-up, oh, yeah, and I went and married Katherine.
Ultrasound 2 March 20, 2010
I don’t know why we think clams are all that happy to begin with, but, hey, that’s the expression.
The Silver Screams September 24, 2003
Welcome to the first debate for the 2004 Presidential Election here on the Fox News Network. We have with us, from the Republican side, current President George “Dubya” Bush. Representing the Democrats tonight is Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman. In order to give the American people more of what we think they want, the theme of […]