Lutfey.com

  • The hottest book on Amazon.com this week described the efforts of a morbidly obese man to become a functioning member of society once again. The title of the book is, “How I Lost 749 Pounds But Found It In The Sofa Cushions.”

  • Having a cigarette while drinking may reduce the effects of the alcohol, scientists suggest – but the tests have only been carried out on rats so far. The lead scientist explained, “we did everything within reason to create a nice bar scene for the rats, but when all was said and done it wasn’t much more than a little hole in wall– literally.”

  • I never thought I would say this, but it turns out our Kinetics theme was too liberal for Boulder. After considering a handful of options, we decided to be “Official Government Surveillance Mascots” since the whole unauthorized wiretapping is such a hot topic these days. So we decorated the craft and constructed some appropriate costumes. We also had to come up with a three minute skit to perform during the parade. I thought it was really funny and would have played well in Boulder, but we got booed off the stage after getting about one quarter of the way through.

    Omar: Hello, I’m TAPPY!

    Katherine: And I’m TIPPY!

    Omar: And we may or may not have been created as marketing tool from an unnamed government surveillance organization.

    Katherine: It seems that a lot of people are upset because the government is trying to find all the terrorists. We are here to set the record straight about stuff like this. Are there any concerned citizens here that have any questions for us? How about you? (points to Cindy)

    Cindy: My friends tell me that government surveillance is bad.

    Omar: Your friends are just plain wrong. We just want to make sure everyone stays away from danger.

    Katherine: Is it wrong for a mother to limit the amount of lead based paint her children drink every day?

    Cindy: Umm, I guess not, but didn’t President Bush violate the 1978 FISA bill when he authorized the NSA to eavesdrop on US citizens without a warrant?

    Katherine: Of course he didn’t do anything wrong. If the president did something wrong he would tell us—that’s how great of a guy he is.

    Omar: He just decided that when Congress passed the Patriot Act it gave him the right to do whatever he wants—including not telling congress what he has been up to.

    Cindy: So is the government watching me? I’m not doing anything illegal.

    Omar: Of course we are watching you. Since we can’t separate the good guys and the bad guys, we have to listen to everything so we can sort things out. It is just like dredging an entire lake to find all the dead hookers at the bottom. What’s wrong with that?

    Cindy: Nothing, I suppose, but doesn’t that mean we are losing our civil liberties?

    Katherine: Only the people who are breaking the law should be worried. We just want to find the bad guys—like Osama Bin Laden’s social planner or that old lady with cancer who grows her own marijuana plants instead.

    Cindy: She is a terrorist? I thought she was doing that to ease the constant pain that prescription drugs couldn’t help.

    Omar: Just because someone had a perfectly good reason to break the law doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be locked up in jail.

    Cindy: So can you give me an example of some terrorist that have been caught through this program?

    Katherine: Of course not. That would just assist the terrorists.

    Cindy: What about these secret government operations recently disclosed at AT&T switching rooms across the country? What are those for?

    Omar: We have a trouble maker in section 5. Roger that.

    Then Scott, wearing a trench coat and sunglasses comes over and carries Cindy off the stage.