X Marks The Spot September 12, 2003
Researchers at John Hopkins have been forced to retract a highly publicized paper linking the drug Ecstasy to serious brain damage after discovering that they had actually administered a different drug to most of the animals in their study. The head researcher commented, “The problem, without going into too much detail, centered around the annual […]
2004 Christmas Letter December 25, 2004
I’ve managed to keep myself busy with a new job, new house, and new electronic gadgetry.
Cosmic Error April 8, 2014
After reading the dozen tweets from Neil deGrasse Tyson regarding the accuracy of the movie Gravity, I would like to point out a glaring inaccuracy in the title sequence of the television series Cosmos. Even if you could travel faster than the speed of light through the cosmos the stars wouldn’t appear to move relative to […]
2001 Christmas Letter December 25, 2001
The idea was about as appealing as a “Three’s Company” television reunion special (likely plot line: Chrissy isn’t pregnant—she’s menopausal.)
Texas Toast April 16, 2005
Ecuador’s President Lucio Gutierrez declared a state of emergency and dissolved the Supreme Court, saying the unpopular judges were the cause of three days of pot-banging street protests. “Hey, now why didn’t I think of that?” asked Republican House majority leader Tom Delay.
In Box Office News September 12, 2002
The low-budget, independently produced film, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” reached the number one spot for box office revenue this week. After being released in April, the feel-good romantic comedy steadily climbed the charts– beating out several movies featuring high-profile actors and state-of-the-art special effects. Taking note of the unexpected success, Hollywood recently green-lighted a […]
2 Cute January 25, 2010
The Learning Channel began airing the second season of “Toddlers & Tiaras” which documents young girls in highly competitive beauty contests. “Finally, a show that caters to our unique demographic!” proclaimed all the pedophiles.
Road Rage November 1, 2003
A car in Southhaven, Mississippi, ran a police checkpoint outside the arena where President Bush was speaking Saturday and rammed the building. “Despite the fact he was inside the structure at the time of the incident,” one republican at the scene pointed out, “the police force and secret service kept the President as secure as […]
Word On The Street November 25, 2002
Paramount Pictures recently announced plans for a motion picture based on the 1980s Fox television drama “21 Jump Street.” Plans call for the return of some original cast members and a heavy dose of computer-generated effects to turn Richard Grieko back into an undercover high school student.
Heading Out To San Francisco January 8, 2003
NOTE TO SELF: Come up with a witty and insightful “Rice-a-roni” joke to end the paragraph
1996 Christmas Letter December 25, 1996
The earth and the sun have once again completed another round of their cosmic tag team, no holds barred wrestling match which means it is time for the second annual publication of my Christmas letter. My goal for this year is to have at least three people (including myself) read this letter. I am sure […]
Raising Security September 15, 2002
Faced with shrinking profit margins, airlines in the United States are imposing new fees to help boost their bottom line. At various airports around the country, for example, passengers going through security can pay forty dollars to walk past Federal screeners and submit to an extensive “hand search” by perky eighteen year old women in […]
Father’s Day Surprise June 15, 2012
Katherine told me Friday night that she is picking up a special Father’s Day gift for me at 9am Saturday morning. She refuses to give me any more details regarding the nature of the item, so I am using my amazing powers of deduction and reasonableness to conclude that she spent a small part of […]
Barrel Of Monkeys February 27, 2008
A report in the December 2007 issue of Animal Behavior claims male monkeys pay for sex with grooming services. After a twenty month observation of the monkeys, one researcher concluded, “Despite the rather conclusive evidence that monkeys pay for these services, we still advise the general public to avoid monkeys who try to pay for […]
Alien Encounters July 23, 2003
A group of scientists in Australia have concluded that the number of stars in the known universe is roughly 70 sextillion. For those unfamiliar with these types of numbers, a sextillion is the number one followed by 21 zeros (1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000). In the future, however, they will be better known as a race of seductive and […]
Men And Women April 12, 2001
The odds of throwing out your back while putting dirty clothes into the hamper are quite small.
Nights At The Round Table October 30, 2003
North Korea has agreed, in principle, to six-way talks addressing Pyongyang’s controversial nuclear program. The complex agreement will bring North Korea, South Korea, China, Japan, Russia, and the United States together in an attempt to resolve the situation. While the details of the negotiations have not been finalized, it is widely believed the meeting will […]
Music Notes December 16, 2002
Singer David Lee Roth is suing his former Van Halen band mates. The suit alleges members of the band robbed him of royalty money through a 1996 contract with Warner Bros. When asked about the legal proceedings, Roth said, “Woooo! I’m back in the spotlight, and ready to ROCK!!!”
Hitting The Wall March 6, 2013
So I was watching Wall-E the other day for the Nth time (where N=N+1, which explains how many times my kiddos want to see this particular movie) and I noticed something that bothered me and now I can’t get it out of my head. When Wall-E is hanging on to the outside of the rocket […]
Need For Speed November 15, 2002
A supercomputer in Yokohama, Japan recently claimed the number one position in the Top 500 list of the most powerful computer systems in the world. The system, which simulates climate and other aspects of the earth, consists of 640 machines connected through a high-speed network. The machine performs more than 35 trillion operations per second […]
2011 Christmas Letter December 25, 2011
As was the case with Isabel’s birth, I looked stunning in the white sterile body suit I wore during the birthing procedure.
2010 Christmas Letter December 25, 2010
2011 promises to be another eventful year as (SPOLIER ALERT) the sequel to Isabel is scheduled to be released on May 31.
And One Pill Makes You Small October 28, 2003
A report commissioned by the governor of Illinois found that the if the state purchased prescription drugs from Canada, the average retiree could save more than $1000 a year without compromising the safety or quality of their medications. When asked to respond to these findings, a spokesperson for an undisclosed drug company replied, “Sure, this […]
Hertz So Good June 2, 2013
Notice to all Hertz rental offices in Northern California: After a complete analysis of our operation over the past decade, we have found a disturbing trend that has accounted for a disproportionate amount of revenue loss in the Northern California division. It appears that one organization has been responsible for a vast majority of our damage claims. […]
Expanding Horizons December 3, 2002
A police investigation is underway into a pornographic movie shot on campus at Indiana University. A film crew from Shane Enterprises had 20 to 30 students sign model release forms before shooting erotic footage for “Shane’s World 32: Campus Invasion.” The resident manager at Teter Quadrangle who brought the matter to the police commented, “I […]
Thoughts On The Competition June 9, 2001
Is this a plan of action that will advance my writing career? I’m not really sure. Could it land me in jail? Quite possibly.
Remote Control Conserves Energy June 19, 2009
Most electronic devices that use a remote control are constantly wasting energy “listening” for signals from the remote control, even when they are turned off. The problem is magnified with home entertainment centers which use multiple devices, all of which are accessible with a remote control. I’ve applied for a patent for a remote control […]
Slowing Down In Boulder March 23, 2001
People covet that which is new and shiny. This universal truth has been demonstrated once again in the south suburbs of Denver, Colorado on Tuesday when hundreds of people waited for hours in the freezing early morning fog as the first Krispy Kreme store opened. I find this entertaining not because people camped out the […]
2007 Christmas Letter December 25, 2007
On a side note, he didn’t seem to enjoy the memory nasal probe. None of them do.
In The Beginning October 5, 2022
In the beginning God created the mathematical universe and it was formless and void. God said, “Let this be known as nothing.” Then God said, “It is not right that this creation should be alone. I will make a companion suitable for him. Also, let this be known as everything.” God saw that everything was […]
AT&T Drops Tiger NYC December 31, 2009
Telecommunication giant AT&T recently announced plans to drop sponsorship of Tiger Woods due to his indefinite break from professional golf and infidelity issues. AT&T has also recently stopped selling certain phones in New York City for unknown reasons. This has led Tiger and NYC to become friends on Facebook and send each other messages about […]
There Should Have Been Only One November 24, 2015
Executives at Hulu are being investigated for “review inflation” after an investigative journalist recently uncovered a “3 out of 5” star rating for Highlander 2. Scientific investigation on this subject have concluded this movie is as close to “absolute zero stars” as is humanly possible.
Force Of Nature February 22, 2005
President Bush sent a message to European leaders who opposed the Iraq war saying that “no passing disagreement of governments, no power on Earth will ever divide us.” Shortly afterwards, a spokesperson for the Commander-in-Chief added, “with the exception of the tectonic plates under the Atlantic ocean that have been pushing apart the two continents […]
Personal Grooming April 4, 2009
You may be asking yourself how this is Ancient, Chinese, or a secret. The old Chinese man I have locked in my basement taught me how to do it.
Wall Eyed October 20, 2003
China’s first man in space said the Earth looked beautiful from his orbiting capsule but he couldn’t find the Great Wall. “I tried to see it,” Yang Liwei told reporters, “but when I booked the flight I could only get an aisle seat. The gentleman next to the window closed the blind so he could […]
Business Birth February 18, 2004
After examining all the choices in the area, I’ve decided to start a fitness club that caters exclusively to pregnant woman, and I’m going to name the center “The OB-GYM.”
Boxer Delivery April 4, 2009
I spent a few minutes playing with a customer’s dog this afternoon while he finished taping up a box. When the package was ready he asked if I wanted to wash my hands. I glanced down at my perpetually-dirty-whenever-I’m-at-work hands, smiled at the dog, and told the guy, “No thanks, but you may want to […]
2018 Christmas Letter December 25, 2018
Doggie heaven is great– the toys are the best and everyone loves it when you fart.
Blown Away December 4, 2008
I’m switching Internet service providers because my wireless service didn’t work well in the wind. A cable modem should improve the overall performance, and, as a bonus, my pornography will stop showing up on my neighbor’s computer.
How’s That Going Anyways July 25, 2010
Astronomers recently discovered the largest star in the Universe. Called R136a1, it is about 265 times more massive than our Sun. “To put this in perspective,” one scientists closely involved with the discovery explained, “it is the biggest ball of hot gas ever found in one place– even larger than the previous record set in […]
Travel Guide: Estes Park January 20, 2003
Being a secluded mountain town, many of these stores focus on specialized candy and dessert items
Breaking New Ground November 20, 2005
President Bush visited Mongolia Monday to cap off his multi-nation Asian tour. When asked how it felt to be the first sitting US President to visit the former communist nation, the Commander in Chief replied, “I thought we were stopping for lunch at a Mongolian BBQ place– I didn’t realize we were stopping at the […]
Corporate Farmville September 11, 2010
Welcome to the latest Facebook application! For the 25,000,000 fans of the original Farmville, we now introduce the next generation: Corporate Farmville! While planting and tending to small plots of land has its own unique charm, Corporate Farmville takes the entire process to the next level. Start the game by incorporating your business in a state […]
Flu’s Clues October 24, 2009
avoid any impromptu “Hands Across America” events.
2009 Christmas Letter December 25, 2009
I would recommend to anyone who likes cake to go to a bakery that specializes in wedding cakes and pretend you are getting married.
Chicken Little January 8, 2003
P.E.T.A. is currently campaigning for a general boycott of Kentucky Fried Chicken. When queried, a spokesperson for the organization stated, “They are raising chickens in a safe and sanitary environment– we are just disgusted by the continued production of annoying commercials with that fat, annoying guy from Seinfeld.”
Solo Weekend September 29, 2013
My wife doesn’t seem to want to watch Highlander with me much anymore. Well, that isn’t exactly true– she really never wanted to see it from, I suspect, the moment of her birth.
Island Paradise July 11, 2003
An unidentified British financier recently spent $40 million for an apartment space facing Central Park in New York City. After the deal was finalized, the landlord warned the new tenant, “No loud music, no drugs, or I get you arrested and someone else gets your apartment.”
Hot Potato September 29, 2003
A 6-foot tall, 150-pound Mr. Potato Head statue once used by the Rhode Island Tourism Division was stolen Friday from the driveway of a private home in Newport, Rhode Island. After hearing the news, the search for a 6-foot tall letter “E” was initiated by former Vice President Dan Quayle.
In Military News September 26, 2002
President Bush became upset with Germany this week for refusing to support the United States regarding military action against Iraq. Many Democrats in the Senate responded to the incident by stating, “You know your battle plan sucks, Mr. President, when even Germany turns down your invitation to start a war.”