Traffic Jam February 25, 2011
I was looking through the web statistics for newfunny.com, and was somewhat surprised about what words lead people to this site. Here are the top 10 phrases according to godaddy.com where I host the site: porno, porn movie, rush limbaugh wedding, www.newfunny.com, holmes on homes, british petroleum, bp, south park porn, orgazmo, silly christmas letters. […]
Getting Jerked Around November 20, 2002
The Supreme Court recently refused to hear the case brought by William Reno Gerber. Currently serving a life sentence in a California prison, Gerber fought for the right to ship sperm to his wife. California’s state Attorney General commented about the decision, “The law recognizes that individuals who commit serious crimes forfeit many rights that […]
Dog Days April 4, 2009
I pulled up to the house just as a woman and her dog were leaving to go for an afternoon walk. I reached for a dog biscuit as I stepped out of the truck. The dog ate it up while I talked to the woman. “This is for you.” I said as I handed her […]
Road Rage November 1, 2003
A car in Southhaven, Mississippi, ran a police checkpoint outside the arena where President Bush was speaking Saturday and rammed the building. “Despite the fact he was inside the structure at the time of the incident,” one republican at the scene pointed out, “the police force and secret service kept the President as secure as […]
2023 Christmas Letter December 25, 2023
My character was a lovely one-eyed cleric who, many years ago, accidentally fell asleep next to his newly sharpened mace. Honestly, that could happen to anyone.
24 UPS Commercial April 16, 2009
This is another idea I’ve come up with for a new UPS commercial. The entire commercial is similar to the style of the television show “24,” with views of different scenes at the same point in time. Voice Over: “The following takes place between 5:00 P.M. and 9:00 A.M.” A timer appears at the bottom […]
Conservative Weather Channel December 7, 2002
While the liberal news bias has been well documented for many years now, most people are ignorant of how it has crept into the weather reports.
There Should Have Been Only One November 24, 2015
Executives at Hulu are being investigated for “review inflation” after an investigative journalist recently uncovered a “3 out of 5” star rating for Highlander 2. Scientific investigation on this subject have concluded this movie is as close to “absolute zero stars” as is humanly possible.
Keeping A Stiff Upper Lip February 13, 2003
Massachusetts Senator and potential President candidate John Kerry recently underwent surgery at John Hopkins Hospital to remove a cancerous prostate. One of the doctors involved provided an assessment of the situation. “The cancer was caught in an early stage, but the procedure is not without risk. The slightest mistake could leave the Senator as impotent […]
A Sure Thing November 12, 2002
An offshore gaming company recently stopped taking bets on the final outcome of ABC’s “The Bachelor.” Since taping the final episode, a highly disproportionate number of bets were placed for one of the two remaining candidates– leading officials to suspect the outcome of the show was leaked to the public. As a result, the company […]
Making Boulder Safe July 17, 2001
I am almost positive that kangaroos are not indigenous to the state of Colorado.
Strange Bedfellows March 2, 2011
When asked about his potential Presidential campaign in 2012, Newt Gingrich replied, “This type of campaign requires a tremendous amount of planning. For example, I have barely even begun to consider who will be my wife this time around.”
Free Passage December 12, 2004
McDonalds is spending $300,000 to fly Charlie Bell to Australia in a special medically-equipped corporate jet. Bell, who recently resigned the top position at the golden arches, will return to his native country and continue his battle against colorectal cancer. In a similar gesture of medical goodwill, the world’s largest fast food franchise will soon […]
The War On Drugs June 12, 2002
The Bush administration today announced a new tool to help fight the war on drugs. The “Say No To Drugs” slogan currently printed on urinal cake holders will soon be replaced with a voice recording of John Ashcroft yelling “say no to drugs RIGHT NOW, or DEA agents will be dispatched to this location. You […]
Annoying Sleeping Habits February 1, 2002
NOTE TO SELF: eat two more chocolate eclairs before bed to fulfill the recommended daily allowance of vanilla goo
Hitting The Books April 12, 2005
Mike Tyson and Kevin McBride have announced plans for a June 11, 2005 boxing fight in Washington, D.C. Tyson, currently $30 million in debt, commented at the press conference, “after pulverizing this man I’ll have another win under my belt, more respect from the boxing community, and roughly $2 million more debt to add to […]
2022 Christmas Letter December 25, 2022
Children twelve and under are welcome to countless hours of fun with our complimentary “Bag Of Rats.”
2017 Christmas Letter December 25, 2017
I think the best approach is to assume the quality of the instructions is adequate at best and for a completely different type of product in the worst case.
Blowing In The Wind September 25, 2010
A recently completed offshore renewable energy facility has been put into service off the coast of Ramsgate in Kent, England. The turbines, which will generate enough electricity to power 200,000 homes, are poised to officially take over the record for largest wind farm– a record currently held by Taco Bell.
One Large French Fry August 14, 2003
The continuing heat wave in Europe has reportedly led to 3,000 deaths in France. While neighboring countries called on military forces to help deal with the problem, France has been busy drafting a United Nations proposal asking the local climate to refrain from being so hot.
Divide And Conquer May 20, 2002
Kristin just rolled her eyes at my suggestion to combine the two and name it “Sandwiches Good Enough For Jehovah.”
2010 Christmas Letter December 25, 2010
2011 promises to be another eventful year as (SPOLIER ALERT) the sequel to Isabel is scheduled to be released on May 31.
Irregular April 4, 2009
“That’s a nice shirt/pair of shoes/lavishly decorated tiara”
A Room With A View December 6, 2009
Condemned killer Kenneth Biros could become the first person in the country put to death with a single dose of an intravenous anesthetic instead of the usual — and faster-acting — process if his execution proceeds Tuesday. This new process is believed to be more humane than the previous method of strapping the individual into […]
In International News October 16, 2002
Archaeologists in London have recently unearthed the oldest known plaque with the city’s name. The Italian marble sign, which dates to 50-150 A.D., is dedicated to Roman emperors and was discovered in an area that will eventually be covered up by a housing development. In addition to the impressive age and condition, researchers also report […]
This Old Crack House July 21, 2003
If you would like to build a meth lab in your house, a set of measured drawings is available on our website.
Internet Cafe September 18, 2002
You see fellows, you are in the Internet Bar. In here all the rules of talking to people through Instant Messenger apply.
Raising Security September 15, 2002
Faced with shrinking profit margins, airlines in the United States are imposing new fees to help boost their bottom line. At various airports around the country, for example, passengers going through security can pay forty dollars to walk past Federal screeners and submit to an extensive “hand search” by perky eighteen year old women in […]
The Profiler March 10, 2009
All I want is a beautiful elven princess who possesses eternal beauty, courage, passion, and kindness but is willing to give it all up for a stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder
Lisa Loeb April 4, 2009
There aren’t too many famous people I would want to meet in person, but I thought I would keep track of who I would like to meet for lunch. Lisa Loeb: OK, she is rather pleasing to the eye (or at least both of mine), but what really won me over was her short lived […]
Nights At The Round Table October 30, 2003
North Korea has agreed, in principle, to six-way talks addressing Pyongyang’s controversial nuclear program. The complex agreement will bring North Korea, South Korea, China, Japan, Russia, and the United States together in an attempt to resolve the situation. While the details of the negotiations have not been finalized, it is widely believed the meeting will […]
Stephen Colbert Title Sequence November 10, 2012
“Mi-partison”, “My-partison”, and/or “Mypartison” are my submissions for the next word in Stephen Colbert’s “The Colbert Report.” I’m not sure exactly how to spell it since I just made up the word, but that is besides the point. For those who aren’t up on Comedy Central’s talk shows, every now and then a new phrase is […]
Twelve Steps To Becoming A Lounge Singer May 9, 2001
The misspelled words were few, the grammatical errors were minor, and I even managed to make the idea of gratuitously beating up a helpless old Dutch man seem funny.
Travel Guide: Estes Park January 20, 2003
Being a secluded mountain town, many of these stores focus on specialized candy and dessert items
Black Remote Technology March 1, 2009
Who wants to save electricity? Or from a more pragmatic perspective: Who wants to save money? By far the best first step in reducing a home utility bill is to buy compact fluorescent light bulbs to replace less efficient incandescent bulbs. These CFL bulbs used to be quite pricey, but I just checked on Amazon.com […]
What’s Up July 14, 2002
Qantas Airlines recently announced John Travolta will be flying his completely restored Boeing 707 around the world as part of the airline’s thirteen city “Spirit of Friendship” tour. While Mr. Travolta expects to be at the controls for the majority of the 65,000 kilometer tour, security and safety concerns require Mr. Kotter keep the remaining […]
Play Time August 27, 2010
you heard it here first, for whatever that is worth
Gods Playing Poker September 15, 2002
Jesus: Just this morning I produced my image in a tortilla in a small town in eastern Texas. Thor: I’ve always admired you for that.
Getting Published April 4, 2009
Kind of like putting a rubber band around the trigger of the pull out sprayer at the kitchen sink so when the next person turns on the water it shoots straight at their chest.
Law Of Averages March 10, 2011
“So I asked my girlfriend how she would rate me in bed, and she said I was average. What a let down.” “But aren’t you the only one she has ever slept with?” “What’s your point?”
Television Playlists August 1, 2009
I wrote a ranting lunatic type letter to Dish Network the other day just to make myself feel better. Basically I want to be able to make playlists of DVR television shows for my future children to watch based on their age. Then I want everyone to be able to share their playlists with the […]
Driving Me Up The Wall-E October 5, 2013
So I’m watching Wall-e (again) and now I’m trying to figure out how exactly he hooked up a 1980’s VCR to a first generation iPod to watch “Hello Dolly.” I think it is safe to say that I’ve watched this movie about 100 times beyond the recommended lifetime allowance for any adult male human.
Chicken Little January 8, 2003
P.E.T.A. is currently campaigning for a general boycott of Kentucky Fried Chicken. When queried, a spokesperson for the organization stated, “They are raising chickens in a safe and sanitary environment– we are just disgusted by the continued production of annoying commercials with that fat, annoying guy from Seinfeld.”
Build A Boat September 19, 2009
“Let’s Get Our Ship Together!”
One Ecstatic Birthday June 11, 2003
The game is over, Madame Lovejoy. I know you are hopped up on E!
Supporting Children December 4, 2002
President Bush signed into law legislation to create a new kids-safe domain on the internet. The “.kids.us” domain will contain content acceptable for children under the age of 13. When the president signed the bill, he went on record saying, “I support this child net safety law– especially after I saw that musical fella dangling […]
In Business News June 28, 2002
Xerox recently admitted to overstating revenue by 1.9 billion over the past 5 years. Attempts to destroy potentially damaging information proved unsuccessful when the copier, instead of mangling documents beyond recognition, produced clean and easy-to-read duplicates.
Tuesday Morning May 21, 2009
A chain store called “Tuesday Morning” opened up a year or so ago in Loveland, Colorado. I keep wondering how they came up with the name. To the best of my knowledge, they sell a variety of overstocked gift type items at rather low prices. Even though I know exectly what they sell, I keep […]
S And Men May 30, 2010
“Sex and the City 2” earned $32.1 million dollars over the three day memorial day weekend. Reports show 90% of the audience were women and the rest were men hoping to get some.
Fixing The Leak April 2, 2017
Depending on the outcome of the upcoming Ecuadorian Presidential election, Wikileaks founder Julian Assange may need to find a new place to live. Assange has been living in the Ecuador Embassy in London since 2012 to avoid facing sexual assault charges in Sweden and the possibility extradition the the United States to answer to espionage charges. Guillermo […]