Rats! December 2, 2007
I’m sure we can get people to live there when we can change the name from ‘Rat Island’ to ‘Dead Rat Island.’
Travel Guide: Estes Park January 20, 2003
Being a secluded mountain town, many of these stores focus on specialized candy and dessert items
Dancing With The Stars May 22, 2009
In the soon to be released “Terminator Salvation” the machines hypnotize people with their smooth steps and jazz hands– humanity never saw it coming.
Suspicious Cups January 19, 2012
A high level administrator at the Transportation Security Administration responded to criticism when an agent recently confiscated a cupcake from an airline passenger in December because the food product in question exceeded the maximum quantities for liquid, gels, and aerosols. A detailed explanation of the situation was posted on the official TSA blog, ending with: “And […]
Spice Rack November 2, 2002
Police in London arrested five people on Saturday for allegedly plotting to kidnap Spice Girl Victoria Beckham and hold her for a $7.8 million ransom. In a related note, authorities are still investigating the theft of the group’s music career.
Brown Collar Song April 5, 2009
When I was just a young boyI didn’t know what to doBouncing through jobsDrifting without a clue Then one day my purpose became clearI felt a few inches tallerThe very first timeI wore the brown collar So now I go door to doorJust a spreading my wordMy presence is knownWhen I’m not seen or heard […]
The New Kid In Town May 2, 2002
Thanks to my technique of randomly driving around town for little or no specific reason I have identified many, if not all, of the points of interest Loveland, Colorado has to offer.
Military Operations September 20, 2002
When questioned on the situation in the Middle East, former Vice President Dan Quayle responded, “Don’t you mean IRAQUE?”
Annoying Sleeping Habits February 1, 2002
NOTE TO SELF: eat two more chocolate eclairs before bed to fulfill the recommended daily allowance of vanilla goo
2002 Christmas Letter December 25, 2002
I wanted to say “beard Nair,” but I wrote “bread Nair.” I don’t think either product currently exists.
Breaking News September 7, 2013
I hurt my back last week opening the rear door of my UPS truck. The chiropractor took x-rays of my spine and explained how a healthy back should curve like the letter “S”. My back looked more like a combination of a treble clef and the unpronounceable symbol used by the artist formerly known as […]
Blowing In The Wind September 25, 2010
A recently completed offshore renewable energy facility has been put into service off the coast of Ramsgate in Kent, England. The turbines, which will generate enough electricity to power 200,000 homes, are poised to officially take over the record for largest wind farm– a record currently held by Taco Bell.
iPhone Sex App August 15, 2009
However, the application has led to many complaints from users saying the iPhone is either the wrong shape or that the docking port is way, way too small.
Skyrocketing Ambitions July 23, 2005
The House Friday overwhelmingly endorsed President Bush’s vision to send man back to the lunar surface as it passed a bill to set NASA policy for the next two years. Speaking anonymously, one Democratic congressman commented, “Maybe, just maybe, things will get better down here if we let the President focus on invading the moon.”
Crunch Time October 1, 2010
AOL said on Tuesday that it was buying the influential technology news blog TechCrunch for a reported $25 million dollars in order to bolster its growing online editorial business. When asked about plans for their latest purchase, a high ranking AOL official replied, “Based on our previous acquisitions, we plan on throwing away everything useful […]
Lax Security January 22, 2012
Security screening in one major airport was completely closed today for the better part of an hour after experiencing another cupcake related incident. A senior administrator at the TSA explained. “While we feel that we have made every effort to explain our actions related to the ‘cupcake in a jar’ incident, we would also like […]
Dancing With The Stars May 22, 2009
In the soon to be released “Terminator Salvation” the machines hypnotize people with their smooth steps and jazz hands– humanity never saw it coming.
Another book idea December 19, 1950
Joseph BlackNina’s Captain logOctober 12, 1492 In the course of fifteen minutes Michael incinerated all but one of my ships, killed half my crew, and effortlessly detained the survivors on shore. What really shakes me up, however, is that after talking to this strange man over the course of that first evening I held no […]
Get Some Glass App May 7, 2013
I highly recommend this for anyone looking to meet someone new when everyone else you know describes you as hopelessly boring, lacking any knowledge of current events, and/or obsessed with changes made to the 1997 re-release of “Star Wars: A New Hope.”
Obama Campaign Ads September 28, 2008
Campaign Ad #1 The entire ad is shown in the form of dated black and white film. The scene fades in showing an elaborate 1950’s ball A full sized orchestra is playing Glenn Miller’s “Moonlight Serenade.” All the men are clean cut and wearing traditional suits. A few couples are dancing in the middle, but […]
How Computers Work Part 4 August 17, 2001
Eniac comes from an old Czechoslovakian phrase that roughly translates to “factory workers with steel shells who attempt to enslave humanity.”
Chicken Little January 8, 2003
P.E.T.A. is currently campaigning for a general boycott of Kentucky Fried Chicken. When queried, a spokesperson for the organization stated, “They are raising chickens in a safe and sanitary environment– we are just disgusted by the continued production of annoying commercials with that fat, annoying guy from Seinfeld.”
2008 Christmas Letter December 25, 2008
I’m not saying Milliken is small– just go to the main restaurant in town, “Jose’s Taco Factory,” and ask anyone there.
Lost In Translation April 27, 2014
Kmart had plenty of sexy Scarlett Johansson “Avenger” posters for sale today, but they were all out of merchandising from her frumpy “Lost in Translation” appearance.
Business Birth February 18, 2004
After examining all the choices in the area, I’ve decided to start a fitness club that caters exclusively to pregnant woman, and I’m going to name the center “The OB-GYM.”
Worth Every Penny July 7, 2012
Years ago, Stephen Hawking bet a fellow scientist from the University of Michigan $100 that the Higgs Boson particle would never be discovered. In an interview with the BBC, Hawking said: “It seems I have just lost $100.” On Wednesday, scientists from the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) announced the discovery of the Higgs Boson […]
The Zero Effect October 21, 2002
A White House spokesman stated Monday that the United States will insist on a “zero tolerance” policy regarding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. To put this in perspective, the Bush administration assigned Iran and North Korea, the remaining two-thirds of the “Axis of Evil,” tolerance levels of five and eleven.
New TLC Show August 15, 2009
Following the success of the show, “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” The Learning Channel greenlighted a sister show titled, “I Thought I Was Pregnant But It Turns Out I Was Just Getting Fat Really Quickly After My Boyfriend Dumped Me And I Just Sat Around On The Couch Eating Microwave Pizza and Twinkies All […]
Boxer Delivery April 4, 2009
I spent a few minutes playing with a customer’s dog this afternoon while he finished taping up a box. When the package was ready he asked if I wanted to wash my hands. I glanced down at my perpetually-dirty-whenever-I’m-at-work hands, smiled at the dog, and told the guy, “No thanks, but you may want to […]
Chronic Pain August 20, 2003
Hundreds of people in England are being recruited to take Cannabis after operations. In the clinical study, 400 patients will test a Cannabis-based prototype produced by GW Pharmaceuticals to determine the drug’s effectiveness in reducing post-operative pain. The announcement of this study sent the companies stock up 7.5 percent to a two-month high. The stock […]
Drug War February 21, 2005
Rush Limbaugh is expected to visit Afghanistan, officials said on Thursday. When asked about the nature of the visit, the conservative radio talk show host stated, “I’m excited to see the emergence of freedom in a country that for so many years has been ravished by war. That, and the vast expanse of heroin-producing poppy […]
2022 Christmas Letter December 25, 2022
Children twelve and under are welcome to countless hours of fun with our complimentary “Bag Of Rats.”
Force Of Nature February 22, 2005
President Bush sent a message to European leaders who opposed the Iraq war saying that “no passing disagreement of governments, no power on Earth will ever divide us.” Shortly afterwards, a spokesperson for the Commander-in-Chief added, “with the exception of the tectonic plates under the Atlantic ocean that have been pushing apart the two continents […]
This Just In August 16, 2006
Standing-next-to-a-landing-helicopter-hair is the worst, but fortunately I’m bald.
Keeping A Stiff Upper Lip February 13, 2003
Massachusetts Senator and potential President candidate John Kerry recently underwent surgery at John Hopkins Hospital to remove a cancerous prostate. One of the doctors involved provided an assessment of the situation. “The cancer was caught in an early stage, but the procedure is not without risk. The slightest mistake could leave the Senator as impotent […]
Bursting At The Seams November 7, 2002
Actor and director Kevin Costner recently underwent surgery to remove his appendix. In addition to being inflamed and irritated, the organ in question cited “artistic and personal differences” when it formally requested to be removed from Mr. Costner’s abdominal cavity.
If I Could Turn Back Time June 30, 2003
Hundreds of mourners passed through South Carolina’s Statehouse to pay their final respects to Strom Thurmond. Many people brought flowers and other items to leave by the coffin in a make-shift memorial. Trent Lott put all his future political ambitions down and quickly left the building.
The Real Santa June 15, 2001
Things got weird for me, however, when “Santa” turned out to be my high school math teacher.
Nice To Meet You April 4, 2009
Lady, I ran out of nice on Tuesday.
Nights At The Round Table October 30, 2003
North Korea has agreed, in principle, to six-way talks addressing Pyongyang’s controversial nuclear program. The complex agreement will bring North Korea, South Korea, China, Japan, Russia, and the United States together in an attempt to resolve the situation. While the details of the negotiations have not been finalized, it is widely believed the meeting will […]
Hair Daze August 25, 2002
For reasons I don’t completely understand, my hair doesn’t succumb to the traditional forces of gravity.
Do Pennies Make Our Lives Better? December 19, 2000
Until last week I considered myself neutral on the entire penny issue. A recently published report sponsored by Americans for Common Cents (a pro-penny group backed by zinc companies) documents the effects if the Federal government were to take pennies out of circulation. Some of these negative consequences includes an effective 600 million dollar “rounding […]
Climbing the Wal October 9, 2010
Wal-Mart Stores Inc., the nation’s largest private employer, plans to end automatic profit-sharing contributions for its employees in a revamp of its benefits package. A Human Resource representative for the company explained the changes. “Now, instead of giving money to all those employees over and over again, we are going to give these people a […]
Ghost Protocol November 10, 2013
Snapchat, the high-tech start up that lets users transmit text messages and images that disappear a few seconds after being sent, has recently turned down a $3 billion dollar offer from Facebook. When asked for a comment on the situation a high ranking yet unnamed official at the company replied, “We believe that there is […]
Pound For Pound January 5, 2008
Oklahoma City Mayor Mick Cornett recently challenged it’s citizens to collectively lose one million pounds through change in diet and exercise after being ranked in the top 10 of America’s Fattest Cities. After hearing the news, the two half million pound men in the front row looked at each other and asked, “That’s all great […]
2012 Review December 31, 2012
My resolution for 2013 is to finally get invited to a masquerade party. Sci-fi themed or otherwise.
Getting Dumped April 25, 2002
Henry doesn’t worry about hooking up stereo speakers or rifling through boxes trying to find a clean pair of underwear.
Wood Masters April 13, 2013
Tiger Wood’s girlfriend Lindsey Vonn plans to accompany the number one ranked golfer at the year’s Masters tournament. When asked about Wood’s past relationships, she commented, “Does anyone know exactly what happened? As far as I can tell it was just a case of he said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she […]
Thoughts On Star Trek: Voyager April 26, 2001
I can say without any doubt that she has her own “prime directive” to cause bodily harm to any one who thinks its cool to wear a Klingon forehead apparatus in public.
Eye Of The Tiger March 12, 2011
Recently unemployed actor Charlie Sheen announced plans for a stand-up tour in Chicago and Detroit. “Tickets will be free,” explains Sheen, “But before the show we will pass around collection plates. Once I get at least two million dollars, then I’ll start the show.”