Me– Being Productive? November 7, 2001
I also engage in a vast array of interesting—if somewhat more mainstream—activities. Just the other day, for example, I ran my dishwasher.
Crunch Time October 1, 2010
AOL said on Tuesday that it was buying the influential technology news blog TechCrunch for a reported $25 million dollars in order to bolster its growing online editorial business. When asked about plans for their latest purchase, a high ranking AOL official replied, “Based on our previous acquisitions, we plan on throwing away everything useful […]
Come On Holmes February 15, 2010
I watched “Holmes on Homes” on HGTV last night. Mike Holmes travels to people’s houses to repair shady contractor projects gone awry. Now he can finally quit his part time job working security detail for that Dexy’s Midnight Runners tribute band.
Santa Fe June 6, 2014
Here are some interesting and possibly true and/or false facts about this city.
Blow By Blow December 11, 2003
Pop singer Bobby Brown has been charged with battery after a weekend domestic dispute with his wife, singing star and actress Whitney Houston, left her with facial injuries. When questioned about the incident, Brown explained how the whole situation was just a simple misunderstanding. “All night long she just kept asking for a good smacking, […]
Weight Watchers October 22, 2007
The International Bureau of Weights and Measures recently reported the 118-year-old cylinder that is the international prototype for the metric mass of a kilogram appears to have lost 50 micrograms. This confirms a theory that scientists have suspected for quite some time now– everyone is getting fatter.The International Bureau of Weights and Measures recently reported […]
Gas And Bloating October 25, 2009
The time line for former Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin’s pet project involving a natural gas pipeline across Alaska has recently come into question. Despite recent increases in the price of this abundant resource in the state, many experts are questioning when, if ever, the project will be completed. To save on construction costs, Palin’s plan […]
1998 Christmas Letter December 25, 1998
Welcome to my fourth annual Christmas letter. Well, I can’t pretend my life wasn’t drastically changed this year when my dad died. I’ve tried not to dwell on it too much, but I don’t think that I could write my annual Christmas letter pretending that it never happened. Don’t worry though– that isn’t all that […]
Putting His Finger On The Problem November 6, 2008
My doctor’s prostate exam really left an impression on me. And by that I mean that all my poop is shaped like his finger.
Texas Toast April 16, 2005
Ecuador’s President Lucio Gutierrez declared a state of emergency and dissolved the Supreme Court, saying the unpopular judges were the cause of three days of pot-banging street protests. “Hey, now why didn’t I think of that?” asked Republican House majority leader Tom Delay.
Climbing the Wal October 9, 2010
Wal-Mart Stores Inc., the nation’s largest private employer, plans to end automatic profit-sharing contributions for its employees in a revamp of its benefits package. A Human Resource representative for the company explained the changes. “Now, instead of giving money to all those employees over and over again, we are going to give these people a […]
The Profiler March 10, 2009
All I want is a beautiful elven princess who possesses eternal beauty, courage, passion, and kindness but is willing to give it all up for a stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder
License Plate May 29, 2008
OK, so I’m driving around in a UPS truck this afternoon and I saw the following personalized license plate without any spaces in between the letters: BIGAL I guess the meaning really depends on where you put the space.
Another Brick In The Wall June 5, 2003
Despite intense lobbying efforts by Microsoft, the city of Munich, Germany decided to stop using Microsoft Windows in favor of Linux, a popular open source operating system. In an official document explaining the situation, the government explained, “It was a tough decision to abandon the Microsoft corporation– we have the highest levels of respect for […]
To Tell The Truth November 30, 2001
Unfortunately, the very nature of the Cosmos doesn’t always provide clear cut answers.
There Should Have Been Only One November 24, 2015
Executives at Hulu are being investigated for “review inflation” after an investigative journalist recently uncovered a “3 out of 5” star rating for Highlander 2. Scientific investigation on this subject have concluded this movie is as close to “absolute zero stars” as is humanly possible.
Pie In The Sky May 12, 2004
In light of the recent Space Shuttle disaster, officials at NASA are considering sending an unmanned robot into space to perform maintenance on the fourteen year old Hubble Telescope. “The idea came to us,” one project manager reported, “after the local Chuck E Cheese closed down and the entire animatronic Pizza Time Band became unemployed.”
Law Of Averages March 10, 2011
“So I asked my girlfriend how she would rate me in bed, and she said I was average. What a let down.” “But aren’t you the only one she has ever slept with?” “What’s your point?”
Worth Every Penny July 7, 2012
Years ago, Stephen Hawking bet a fellow scientist from the University of Michigan $100 that the Higgs Boson particle would never be discovered. In an interview with the BBC, Hawking said: “It seems I have just lost $100.” On Wednesday, scientists from the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN) announced the discovery of the Higgs Boson […]
Quirky 2 January 26, 2014
So I was playing around on my computer last night and I submitted another idea I’ve been kicking around in my head for the past few months. I don’t have anywhere near the time and effort into this idea as my remote control stuff, but I still think it has a lot of potential. Feel […]
The War On Drugs June 12, 2002
The Bush administration today announced a new tool to help fight the war on drugs. The “Say No To Drugs” slogan currently printed on urinal cake holders will soon be replaced with a voice recording of John Ashcroft yelling “say no to drugs RIGHT NOW, or DEA agents will be dispatched to this location. You […]
Stay Or Go July 19, 2009
I watch quite a few home remodeling shows on television. The premise this idea is to find homeowners who are on the fence about moving to a new home in the same general area. A team of experts come in and talk to the homeowner about what issues they have with their current home. From […]
In Television News January 20, 2003
Fox announced plans today for yet another high-profile reality show. Twenty teenage female contestants will compete against each other for a year long contract to help promote maxi pads, tampons, and other feminine hygiene products. When asked how long this reality show theme can go on, one high ranking network official replied, “While the general […]
In Political News August 15, 2002
Speaking at the foot of Mount Rushmore, President Bush took time out of his four-week working vacation to criticize congress on the issue of Homeland Security. “The Democrats in the Senate are intentionally limiting… [LOOKS AT TV MONITOR] Whoa, hey, look at this– my head is the same size as those up on the side […]
Flu’s Clues October 24, 2009
avoid any impromptu “Hands Across America” events.
Monkey Business May 22, 2003
Michael Jackson was briefly hospitalized after suffering what a Jackson family lawyer called a “reaction to lawsuits.” A Jackson family doctor, speaking on the condition of anonymity, reclassified the condition as a “reaction to monkey feces.”
Interview With Ertok February 22, 2001
A lot of newfunny readers are curious to learn more about Ertok. For those of you who are new to the site, Ertok is an Evil Alien Overlord that oversees my work on the newfunny web site. The Evil Alien Overlords are planning to enslave the human race and create a planetary network of mining […]
Expanding Horizons December 3, 2002
A police investigation is underway into a pornographic movie shot on campus at Indiana University. A film crew from Shane Enterprises had 20 to 30 students sign model release forms before shooting erotic footage for “Shane’s World 32: Campus Invasion.” The resident manager at Teter Quadrangle who brought the matter to the police commented, “I […]
In Medical News October 4, 2002
A report issued by the British Medical Journal casts doubts on the effectiveness of providing men with annual prostate exams. Prostate cancer can be slow growing and may never actually threaten the patient’s life. While less than one percent of the individuals in the study benefited from the exam, ten percent of the men considered […]
If I Could Turn Back Time June 30, 2003
Hundreds of mourners passed through South Carolina’s Statehouse to pay their final respects to Strom Thurmond. Many people brought flowers and other items to leave by the coffin in a make-shift memorial. Trent Lott put all his future political ambitions down and quickly left the building.
In School News September 6, 2002
Parents in Aspen, Colorado claim that plans to teach yoga violate federal rulings that bar religion in the classroom. The district’s yoga program was developed after September 11 to help make children feel safer in school. When questioned about this controversy, President Bush responded, “Before we let this issue create a division among us, we […]
Breaking News September 7, 2013
I hurt my back last week opening the rear door of my UPS truck. The chiropractor took x-rays of my spine and explained how a healthy back should curve like the letter “S”. My back looked more like a combination of a treble clef and the unpronounceable symbol used by the artist formerly known as […]
Houston September 19, 2005
NASA unveiled plans on Monday to return humans to the moon by 2018 at a cost of $104 billion as recently demanded by President Bush. One anonymous member of congress commented, “I think we need to form a commission and find out who is responsible for, sometime during his latest vacation, letting our Commander-In-Chief watch […]
Hair Daze August 25, 2002
For reasons I don’t completely understand, my hair doesn’t succumb to the traditional forces of gravity.
Past My Prime April 7, 2013
Now I’m officially 39 years old. As I always say– The older you get, the harder it is to be a prime number.
Try Rebooting December 17, 2013
President Obama has chosen a former Microsoft executive, Kurt DelBene, to replace Jeffrey D. Zients as head of the effort to finish repairs on the government’s health insurance website, administration officials said on Tuesday. “I’m bringing in years of experience to turn this project around,” commented DelBene. “We want to create a website that is […]
Back To The Future, Part 4 October 15, 2010
“You built a time machine out of a UPS TRUCK?”
2008 Christmas Letter December 25, 2008
I’m not saying Milliken is small– just go to the main restaurant in town, “Jose’s Taco Factory,” and ask anyone there.
Common Sense May 15, 2011
Several members of the Republican party, including Karl Rove and Sarah Palin, have openly criticized President Barack Obama for inviting the rap star Common to read a short poem at a recent White House Poetry event. “We don’t want this to come off as racists old school thinking,” the Republicans explained in a press release, […]
Step One: Find A Partner February 6, 2010
a majority of Americans prefer to emulate their favorite masked Mexican wrestling superstars during sex.
2004 Christmas Letter December 25, 2004
I’ve managed to keep myself busy with a new job, new house, and new electronic gadgetry.
In Box Office News September 12, 2002
The low-budget, independently produced film, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” reached the number one spot for box office revenue this week. After being released in April, the feel-good romantic comedy steadily climbed the charts– beating out several movies featuring high-profile actors and state-of-the-art special effects. Taking note of the unexpected success, Hollywood recently green-lighted a […]
Glass Eyes March 30, 2013
Newt Gingrich has been given the opportunity to be one of the very first adopters of the new Google Glass. While always a public advocate of futuristic technological advances such as robotic doctor chairs and moon colonies, Gingrich’s excitement to try out this new technology was hard to contain as he detailed the potential uses […]
Death And Taxes October 30, 2013
In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. –Benjamin Franklin Not so fast there Ben. –Google Google’s New Company Calico To Try to Cheat Deathwww.technologyreview.com/view/…/google-to-try-to-solve-death-lol/Sep 17, 2013 – A new company launched by Google will seek to extend human life spans. Google dodges billions in taxes with Bermuda tax havenThe Global Dispatch - 1 day agoThe UK tax authority has indicated it is investigating Google.
2024 Christmas Letter October 25, 2024
January 1, 2024 7:04 AM: Omar’s eyes shoot open and he proclaims to his still sleeping wife, “I need to ride my bicycle on a volcano in Iceland!” Kat rolls her eyes. Said gesture might have been more effective if she was facing him or her eyelids were open. [SUDDEN LOUD VINYL RECORD SCRATCHING NOISE] […]
Cleaning Up September 20, 2002
Accused of looting hundreds of millions of dollars from Tyco International, former CEO Dennis Kozlowski now faces federal charges of corruption, conspiracy, and grand larceny. One of the prosecuting attorneys in the case went on record saying, “Six thousand dollars for a shower curtain! What does he think this is, the military?”
Horror Story September 25, 2003
In a recent Los Angeles Times interview, Stephen King announced he would soon be “done with writing.” While many fans will miss King’s unique horror-genre novels, television executives have calmed a nervous public by confirming a steady stream of crappy made-for-T.V. movies will be released through the 2023 television season.
Women Are Strange December 15, 2001
The biggest thing I would have NOT done in high school if I could do it all over again would be attending my senior prom.
Having Kids Ruined My Netflix Account November 26, 2012
This is really more of a problem with Netflix than my kids. While I go off to work my kids like to watch stuff like “The Cat in the Hat” and “The Mickey Mouse Fun House.” Which is fine, but then we put the kids to bed, come downstairs, and fire up Netflix only to […]
2021 Christmas Letter December 25, 2021
You! Yes YOU! The one reading this letter– somehow I can communicate with you while you are reading this. You can write your very own Christmas letter! No permits, licensing deals, or shady backroom arrangements required.