Putting A Lid On It October 31, 2009
“Jon and Kate Plus Eight” celebrity Jon Gosselin has reportedly turned to Rabbi Shmuley Boteach, well known as a spiritual adviser to Michael Jackson, for religious counseling. The Rabbi released the following statement to the press, “Jon is aware that his recent behavior has been creating a negative image in the media. He hopes that […]
Houston September 19, 2005
NASA unveiled plans on Monday to return humans to the moon by 2018 at a cost of $104 billion as recently demanded by President Bush. One anonymous member of congress commented, “I think we need to form a commission and find out who is responsible for, sometime during his latest vacation, letting our Commander-In-Chief watch […]
S And Men May 30, 2010
“Sex and the City 2” earned $32.1 million dollars over the three day memorial day weekend. Reports show 90% of the audience were women and the rest were men hoping to get some.
Santa Fe June 6, 2014
Here are some interesting and possibly true and/or false facts about this city.
Texas Toast April 16, 2005
Ecuador’s President Lucio Gutierrez declared a state of emergency and dissolved the Supreme Court, saying the unpopular judges were the cause of three days of pot-banging street protests. “Hey, now why didn’t I think of that?” asked Republican House majority leader Tom Delay.
Road Rage November 1, 2003
A car in Southhaven, Mississippi, ran a police checkpoint outside the arena where President Bush was speaking Saturday and rammed the building. “Despite the fact he was inside the structure at the time of the incident,” one republican at the scene pointed out, “the police force and secret service kept the President as secure as […]
I Just Knew It Was Going To Happen May 2, 2012
On April 16, 2012 an airline passenger was detained by the TSA due to luggage that contained two silicon breast enhancers that exceeded the TSA’s limit of 3.2 ounce limit on liquids and gels. Back on January 19, 2012 I made the following fake quote from the TSA after the “cupcake in a jar” ordeal: […]
Dog Days April 4, 2009
I pulled up to the house just as a woman and her dog were leaving to go for an afternoon walk. I reached for a dog biscuit as I stepped out of the truck. The dog ate it up while I talked to the woman. “This is for you.” I said as I handed her […]
2012 Christmas Letter December 25, 2012
Once the race started my craft went about ten feet into the water at which point something happened that could best be described as “sudden massive critical widespread structural failures.”
Living It Up November 22, 2002
A recent study found more pedestrians died on California streets than any other state in the nation. Last year, 731 pedestrians were killed in the Golden State. North Dakota came in dead last with three pedestrian fatalities. The study noted, however, that the rankings were reversed for the number of people who died of boredom.
Change I Can Believe In March 20, 2010
I’ve decided to report one million people live in my house on my official census form to qualify my residence as a new Congressional district. This would give me a good shot at finally getting elected to the House of Representatives, provided I can convince the dog not to vote for my wife. (note to […]
Love Crimes January 1, 2007
In a recent radio address, President Bush promoted a constitutional amendment banning same sex marriages. Even though current Federal law defines marriage as a union between a man and a woman, the President said we must “counteract a few activist judges insisting on imposing their arbitrary will on the people– because we all know that’s […]
Sleep Deprivation March 26, 2012
The Rosetta Stone company is actively suppressing Esperanto for their own finical gain.
Island Paradise July 11, 2003
An unidentified British financier recently spent $40 million for an apartment space facing Central Park in New York City. After the deal was finalized, the landlord warned the new tenant, “No loud music, no drugs, or I get you arrested and someone else gets your apartment.”
Tuesday Morning May 21, 2009
A chain store called “Tuesday Morning” opened up a year or so ago in Loveland, Colorado. I keep wondering how they came up with the name. To the best of my knowledge, they sell a variety of overstocked gift type items at rather low prices. Even though I know exectly what they sell, I keep […]
In Political News August 15, 2002
Speaking at the foot of Mount Rushmore, President Bush took time out of his four-week working vacation to criticize congress on the issue of Homeland Security. “The Democrats in the Senate are intentionally limiting… [LOOKS AT TV MONITOR] Whoa, hey, look at this– my head is the same size as those up on the side […]
Conservative Weather Channel December 7, 2002
While the liberal news bias has been well documented for many years now, most people are ignorant of how it has crept into the weather reports.
Internet Cafe September 18, 2002
You see fellows, you are in the Internet Bar. In here all the rules of talking to people through Instant Messenger apply.
Gods Playing Poker September 15, 2002
Jesus: Just this morning I produced my image in a tortilla in a small town in eastern Texas. Thor: I’ve always admired you for that.
Come On Holmes February 15, 2010
I watched “Holmes on Homes” on HGTV last night. Mike Holmes travels to people’s houses to repair shady contractor projects gone awry. Now he can finally quit his part time job working security detail for that Dexy’s Midnight Runners tribute band.
In Exotic Motorcycle News January 8, 2003
Dodge recently unveiled a new prototype motorcycle. Sitting on four wheels and sporting a 10 cylinder Viper engine, the machine can accelerate from 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds and has an estimated top speed of 400 miles per hour. A slightly less impressive statistic was recorded, however, when the vehicle had to stop for […]
Cellular Damage November 11, 2002
A California report that blames cell phone use in 913 highway accidents in 2001 is being revised because officials believe the figure should be about seven times higher. Governor Gray Davis returned the report to the California Highway Patrol after performing some rough calculations on his cell phone calculator on his drive to work.
Stephen Colbert Title Sequence November 10, 2012
“Mi-partison”, “My-partison”, and/or “Mypartison” are my submissions for the next word in Stephen Colbert’s “The Colbert Report.” I’m not sure exactly how to spell it since I just made up the word, but that is besides the point. For those who aren’t up on Comedy Central’s talk shows, every now and then a new phrase is […]
Wood Masters April 13, 2013
Tiger Wood’s girlfriend Lindsey Vonn plans to accompany the number one ranked golfer at the year’s Masters tournament. When asked about Wood’s past relationships, she commented, “Does anyone know exactly what happened? As far as I can tell it was just a case of he said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she said/she […]
Bright Eyes February 8, 2014
Delivering packages at the mall is making me feel old. I was at Sephora this week when one of the girls asked if I would get mad if she moved by me as I was unloading packages. I replied that I was “living in a powder keg and giving off sparks.” None of the three […]
Quirky 2 January 26, 2014
So I was playing around on my computer last night and I submitted another idea I’ve been kicking around in my head for the past few months. I don’t have anywhere near the time and effort into this idea as my remote control stuff, but I still think it has a lot of potential. Feel […]
2003 Christmas Letter December 25, 2003
One side of my brain (I’m not sure which– possibly the inside) is busy mentally writing a letter to the cracker company.
IGF May 10, 2007
If you answered “Yes” or “No” to any of these questions, or if you haven’t changed the channel yet, you need the IGF 3000!
A Sure Thing November 12, 2002
An offshore gaming company recently stopped taking bets on the final outcome of ABC’s “The Bachelor.” Since taping the final episode, a highly disproportionate number of bets were placed for one of the two remaining candidates– leading officials to suspect the outcome of the show was leaked to the public. As a result, the company […]
Bursting At The Seams November 7, 2002
Actor and director Kevin Costner recently underwent surgery to remove his appendix. In addition to being inflamed and irritated, the organ in question cited “artistic and personal differences” when it formally requested to be removed from Mr. Costner’s abdominal cavity.
Virgin Kinetics Guidebook November 7, 2006
All I know is that I’m not some kind of wizard. And just because the real wizard told me all of this a week before the race doesn’t mean anything.
2011 Christmas Letter December 25, 2011
As was the case with Isabel’s birth, I looked stunning in the white sterile body suit I wore during the birthing procedure.
Force Of Nature February 22, 2005
President Bush sent a message to European leaders who opposed the Iraq war saying that “no passing disagreement of governments, no power on Earth will ever divide us.” Shortly afterwards, a spokesperson for the Commander-in-Chief added, “with the exception of the tectonic plates under the Atlantic ocean that have been pushing apart the two continents […]
Annoying Kristin June 5, 2002
She likes Buffy in much the same way I enjoy, say, breathing.
Blowing In The Wind September 25, 2010
A recently completed offshore renewable energy facility has been put into service off the coast of Ramsgate in Kent, England. The turbines, which will generate enough electricity to power 200,000 homes, are poised to officially take over the record for largest wind farm– a record currently held by Taco Bell.
Another book idea December 19, 1950
Joseph BlackNina’s Captain logOctober 12, 1492 In the course of fifteen minutes Michael incinerated all but one of my ships, killed half my crew, and effortlessly detained the survivors on shore. What really shakes me up, however, is that after talking to this strange man over the course of that first evening I held no […]
Adventures In Europe August 11, 2017
The first step in planning a trip to Europe is deciding where to visit. My first idea was to map out an itinerary that faithfully recreated Matt Daemon’s adventures in the first three Borne movies. After closer examination, however, this plan requires travel to four separate continents and would probably not be suitable for small […]
The Joy Of Shingles May 29, 2012
The pain in my ear can be described exactly as the scene in Star Trek when a younger, more fit, and, well, I suppose less passed away Ricardo Montelbon places mind-controlling bugs in crew members of the Enterprise.
House Rules April 22, 2006
Immigration legislation has been stalled in Congress due to policy decisions regarding existing illegal immigrants. One Republican Senator went on record saying, “we could get a lot more done here if the Democrats stopped calling us Nazis every time we try to forcibly remove twelve million minorities from our country.”
In School News September 6, 2002
Parents in Aspen, Colorado claim that plans to teach yoga violate federal rulings that bar religion in the classroom. The district’s yoga program was developed after September 11 to help make children feel safer in school. When questioned about this controversy, President Bush responded, “Before we let this issue create a division among us, we […]
Mile High Club April 9, 2004
In the wake of record-high crude oil prices, one national newspaper reporter asked the President what can be done to conserve this limited resource. The Commander-in-Chief replied, “We all must do our part to conserve fuel. I, for example, have retracted my open invitation for Rush Limbaugh to travel with me on Air Force One.”
Ode To Mr. Squishy Ball July 5, 2001
Try using the phrase “severe rectal itch” without it being funny.
Lego My Eggo July 5, 2014
It was a good year for team Lego My Eggo. We finished 6th out of 14 teams which means we even exceed our goal of getting the “median award.” To the best of my knowledge, this was the first year that someone recorded our presentation and posted it on youtube. I still think our Doctor […]
Latest Addition July 25, 2009
I put off talking about this topic because there seemed to be so much wedding stuff to blog about, but here is the official news: Katherine is pregnant and due to deliver in mid December. Here is our first ultrasound, taken May 6, 2009. I was going to scan this into my computer, but it […]
What’s Up July 14, 2002
Qantas Airlines recently announced John Travolta will be flying his completely restored Boeing 707 around the world as part of the airline’s thirteen city “Spirit of Friendship” tour. While Mr. Travolta expects to be at the controls for the majority of the 65,000 kilometer tour, security and safety concerns require Mr. Kotter keep the remaining […]
Wind Of Change March 16, 2014
So as of this Saturday I’ve officially been a full time package driver at United Parcel Service for 10 years. Only another 10 or 20 years left until I can retire and start drawing my pension. Too bad I didn’t start at UPS earlier. Also, I’ve come to the realization that I only have 12 […]
Hitting The Wall March 6, 2013
So I was watching Wall-E the other day for the Nth time (where N=N+1, which explains how many times my kiddos want to see this particular movie) and I noticed something that bothered me and now I can’t get it out of my head. When Wall-E is hanging on to the outside of the rocket […]
Turning 30 April 3, 2004
For the first seven or eight years I knew my friend Brian, he kept telling me the word sopapilla meant “soup thief”
Suspicious Cups January 19, 2012
A high level administrator at the Transportation Security Administration responded to criticism when an agent recently confiscated a cupcake from an airline passenger in December because the food product in question exceeded the maximum quantities for liquid, gels, and aerosols. A detailed explanation of the situation was posted on the official TSA blog, ending with: “And […]
12862, 11561, 67, 2465, 762, -178, 938, 1292 June 19, 2009
each number represented an important milestone in our lives– measured in days