Taking Care Of Business November 18, 2009
The shit really hit the fan today at work, so I confronted my supervisor and told him that somebody doesn’t know how to use that new high-tech bidet they put in the men’s bathroom.
Lord Of The Rings October 8, 2005
Gandolf, you silly old man. We live in Middle Earth, but that doesn’t mean we must live in the Middle Ages.
X Marks The Spot September 12, 2003
Researchers at John Hopkins have been forced to retract a highly publicized paper linking the drug Ecstasy to serious brain damage after discovering that they had actually administered a different drug to most of the animals in their study. The head researcher commented, “The problem, without going into too much detail, centered around the annual […]
Ultrasound 2 March 20, 2010
I don’t know why we think clams are all that happy to begin with, but, hey, that’s the expression.
No More Playing Around April 2, 2003
France has agreed to provide 320 military personnel for a peacekeeping operation in ethnically divided Macedonia. The French brigadier general in charge went on record saying, “If we don’t get the complete and immediate cooperation from the Macedonian government, ethic rebels, and civilian population, we are prepared to take whatever means necessary to resolve the […]
House Rules April 22, 2006
Immigration legislation has been stalled in Congress due to policy decisions regarding existing illegal immigrants. One Republican Senator went on record saying, “we could get a lot more done here if the Democrats stopped calling us Nazis every time we try to forcibly remove twelve million minorities from our country.”
Men Are From Mars January 13, 2004
President Bush said on Tuesday his proposals for a space program that would take man to the Moon and Mars, criticized by some for its high cost, would be affordable. “We can get half way there,” the Commander in Chief explained, “just by climbing on top of all the money I’ve collected for the next […]
What’s Up July 14, 2002
Qantas Airlines recently announced John Travolta will be flying his completely restored Boeing 707 around the world as part of the airline’s thirteen city “Spirit of Friendship” tour. While Mr. Travolta expects to be at the controls for the majority of the 65,000 kilometer tour, security and safety concerns require Mr. Kotter keep the remaining […]
Future SNL Weekend Update Joke March 12, 2011
Republicans in Congress are attempting to eliminate funding for a federal program which provides low income women basic reproductive services such as low-cost cervical and breast cancer screening. “Hey, maybe these guys aren’t so bad after all.” commented the Taliban.
1997 Christmas Letter December 25, 1997
Well folks, it’s that time of year again– the days are getting shorter, annoying Christmas music is playing at the mall, the political forces that run our nation are gearing up for the next presidential election, and, of course, it’s time to publish my third annual Christmas letter. This brings up the question of whether […]
2009 Christmas Letter December 25, 2009
I would recommend to anyone who likes cake to go to a bakery that specializes in wedding cakes and pretend you are getting married.
Nice To Meet You April 4, 2009
Lady, I ran out of nice on Tuesday.
Bare Essentials January 29, 2008
A German travel agency recently announced it would start taking bookings for a trial nudist day trip from the eastern German town of Erfurt to the popular Baltic Sea resort of Usedom. The 55 passengers will have to remain clothed until they board, and dress before disembarking. When asked what effect this will have on […]
Wall Eyed October 20, 2003
China’s first man in space said the Earth looked beautiful from his orbiting capsule but he couldn’t find the Great Wall. “I tried to see it,” Yang Liwei told reporters, “but when I booked the flight I could only get an aisle seat. The gentleman next to the window closed the blind so he could […]
Mouse Problems November 26, 2002
Sixty passengers on a Disney cruise have fallen ill on the ship’s latest voyage, prompting officials to bring aboard the former head of the Centers for Disease Control to oversee the cleanup operations. The Disney spokesman described the sickness as “like the flu” and said the symptoms are mostly vomiting and diarrhea. The outbreak started […]
The War On Drugs June 12, 2002
The Bush administration today announced a new tool to help fight the war on drugs. The “Say No To Drugs” slogan currently printed on urinal cake holders will soon be replaced with a voice recording of John Ashcroft yelling “say no to drugs RIGHT NOW, or DEA agents will be dispatched to this location. You […]
One Ecstatic Birthday June 11, 2003
The game is over, Madame Lovejoy. I know you are hopped up on E!
Mission Possible January 6, 2015
So I’m sitting here in my home on a quiet Saturday morning before anyone else has woken up thinking about things I want to accomplish in my lifetime. Here are a few randomly selected items on my list: Make a complete list of everything I want to accomplish in my lifetime (so I will know […]
Play Time August 27, 2010
you heard it here first, for whatever that is worth
Island Paradise July 11, 2003
An unidentified British financier recently spent $40 million for an apartment space facing Central Park in New York City. After the deal was finalized, the landlord warned the new tenant, “No loud music, no drugs, or I get you arrested and someone else gets your apartment.”
This Little Piggy May 13, 2003
A British teenager was recently forced to pay $160 to a policeman for calling him “fat.” The fine would have been higher, but the judge decided to deduct the cost of the pound of uncooked bacon the teen stuffed down the officers shirt during the altercation.
Flu’s Clues October 24, 2009
avoid any impromptu “Hands Across America” events.
Burning Issues October 4, 2002
Betty Bullock started smoking when she was seventeen and was diagnosed with lung cancer that has since spread to her liver. This week a jury awarded her $28 billion in damages after she sued Philip Morris for fraud and negligence. As a result of this court action, millions of people across the country are reconsidering […]
Sub Standards August 18, 2005
The crew of the trapped Russian mini-submarine are back in port after their three day ordeal. An English submarine came to the rescue after the Russian sub got tangled up in wires at the bottom of the Pacific. Faced with dwindling oxygen supplies, the trapped crew quickly realized that someone violated standard protocol and entered […]
A Tangled Web May 4, 2010
Designing a website consisted mostly of looking at other people’s websites and stealing their source code.
Dish It Up July 11, 2009
Dear Dish Network, As one of your faithful customers for the past five years, I thought I would take a few minutes and tell you how to run your business. I do watch a moderate amount of television, and therefore I feel qualified to give advice to a multi-billion dollar high-tech communications company. First of […]
Mile High Club April 9, 2004
In the wake of record-high crude oil prices, one national newspaper reporter asked the President what can be done to conserve this limited resource. The Commander-in-Chief replied, “We all must do our part to conserve fuel. I, for example, have retracted my open invitation for Rush Limbaugh to travel with me on Air Force One.”
Down The Rabbit Hole August 13, 2011
Officials at San Francisco’s Bay Area Rapid Transport admitted to shutting down cell phone service to disrupt a planned protest in the vicinity. While reaction to the news was mixed during the blackout, one man went on record saying, “I think this is a perfectly acceptable course of action given the need for public safety. […]
For Our Next Project July 26, 2002
Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University built a machine designed to demonstrate basic social skills. The robot, named Grace, is a 6-foot-tall drum shaped device which communicates through a digitally animated woman’s face. While the robot’s social abilities are minimal at best, the researcher’s modest goal is to have Grace appear at least as human as […]
2005 Christmas Letter December 25, 2005
I made a promise to myself never to wear a tuxedo after my disastrous prom experience my junior year of high school.
This Just In August 16, 2006
Standing-next-to-a-landing-helicopter-hair is the worst, but fortunately I’m bald.
Rats! December 2, 2007
I’m sure we can get people to live there when we can change the name from ‘Rat Island’ to ‘Dead Rat Island.’
How Computers Work Part 7 September 28, 2001
This situation is quite similar to the safe guards put in place in the movie, “Jurassic Park” to keep the dinosaurs from reproducing. And we all know how well that worked out.
In Medical News October 4, 2002
A report issued by the British Medical Journal casts doubts on the effectiveness of providing men with annual prostate exams. Prostate cancer can be slow growing and may never actually threaten the patient’s life. While less than one percent of the individuals in the study benefited from the exam, ten percent of the men considered […]
Corporate Farmville September 11, 2010
Welcome to the latest Facebook application! For the 25,000,000 fans of the original Farmville, we now introduce the next generation: Corporate Farmville! While planting and tending to small plots of land has its own unique charm, Corporate Farmville takes the entire process to the next level. Start the game by incorporating your business in a state […]
Je Ne Sais French September 4, 2003
In an effort to explain 11,400 more fatalities than usual during the first two weeks of August, officials in France have claimed air pollution and a lack of wind were the actual cause of death during the nation’s hottest summer in 60 years. A new phrase has been circulating in Paris: “Its not the heat, […]
How Computers Work Part 9 June 12, 2002
Note to reader: Make wavy up and down motion with hands to indicate a flashback sequence.
Wealth Tip September 3, 2013
Welcome to part seven of my randomly ordered, finite but arbitrary large set of financial tips: Hoard food coupons that do not contain expiration dates. If started early and executed properly, this method will provide free food between the years of 65 and 103.
Driving Me Up The Wall-E October 5, 2013
So I’m watching Wall-e (again) and now I’m trying to figure out how exactly he hooked up a 1980’s VCR to a first generation iPod to watch “Hello Dolly.” I think it is safe to say that I’ve watched this movie about 100 times beyond the recommended lifetime allowance for any adult male human.
Let’s Have This Baby April 3, 2010
Isabel had to make a few adjustments like breathing air, receiving nutrition through her mouth, and not being allowed to lounge around all day in that warm soft jacuzzi of a uterus.
Dog Park September 26, 2002
Maybe I’m developing self-esteem issues here– sometimes I really wonder why these two dogs are so excited by my presence.
Messed With Texas October 23, 2009
A 72 year old woman who was tasered during a routine traffic stop has received a $40,000 settlement from a Texas county. In response to this and several other high-profile incidents, the maker of Taser stun guns has created several recommendations on taser gun use, including instructing officers to avoid hitting suspects in the chest […]
1995 Christmas Letter December 25, 1995
Dear friend, Another year has passed before us and I am taking time out of my busy schedule to personally write you this letter explaining to you what is going on in my life. Please do not infer that just because I am constantly referring to you in the generic second person and not including […]
Office Aids November 12, 2002
Bill Gates recently announced two large monetary investments in India. The founder of Microsoft is donating $100 million to fight AIDS and investing another $400 million to promote Microsoft products in the developing nation. Critics point out this action will do little more than eliminate one virus and replace it with another.
Lost In Translation April 27, 2014
Kmart had plenty of sexy Scarlett Johansson “Avenger” posters for sale today, but they were all out of merchandising from her frumpy “Lost in Translation” appearance.
Eight: Moderately Annoying Sins January 10, 2002
John springs into action when customers tear off one banana from the bunch and put the lone piece of fruit back on the display.
Three Strikes February 6, 2003
In a recent interview, Ben Affleck dismissed rumors that he plans to marry Jennifer Lopez on Valentine’s Day. When asked if he ever had a fling with Britney Spears, Affleck again said it wasn’t true. He proceeded to ask the pop princess’s age and then mouthed the words “call me” as he made a telephone […]
Traffic Jams January 4, 2002
Hello! How was I supposed to know a truck was going to tip over on I-25? Do I look like Miss Cleo?
Team Infinities June 26, 2016
Welcome to the post-race wrap-up for the 37th annual Longmont Kinetics Race! I’m the team captain of team Infinities, but to keep things simple you can call me Infini-tease. I’m the one with the pink hair and the fishnet stockings. The other members of my team include Infini Tea, Infini T, and Infini Tee. The […]
A Room With A View December 6, 2009
Condemned killer Kenneth Biros could become the first person in the country put to death with a single dose of an intravenous anesthetic instead of the usual — and faster-acting — process if his execution proceeds Tuesday. This new process is believed to be more humane than the previous method of strapping the individual into […]