Conservative Weather Channel December 7, 2002
While the liberal news bias has been well documented for many years now, most people are ignorant of how it has crept into the weather reports.
Two For T January 10, 2014
I decided last night that when one person is in bed laying on their back and the other person is snuggled up on their side it is called “T-spooning.” Kat’s thoughts on my revelation- “Go to sleep already!”
Thoughts On Star Trek: Voyager April 26, 2001
I can say without any doubt that she has her own “prime directive” to cause bodily harm to any one who thinks its cool to wear a Klingon forehead apparatus in public.
2013 Christmas Letter December 25, 2013
The older you get, the harder it is to be a prime number.
Boxer Delivery April 4, 2009
I spent a few minutes playing with a customer’s dog this afternoon while he finished taping up a box. When the package was ready he asked if I wanted to wash my hands. I glanced down at my perpetually-dirty-whenever-I’m-at-work hands, smiled at the dog, and told the guy, “No thanks, but you may want to […]
One Ecstatic Birthday June 11, 2003
The game is over, Madame Lovejoy. I know you are hopped up on E!
Weight Watchers October 22, 2007
The International Bureau of Weights and Measures recently reported the 118-year-old cylinder that is the international prototype for the metric mass of a kilogram appears to have lost 50 micrograms. This confirms a theory that scientists have suspected for quite some time now– everyone is getting fatter.The International Bureau of Weights and Measures recently reported […]
Travel Guide: Estes Park January 20, 2003
Being a secluded mountain town, many of these stores focus on specialized candy and dessert items
Back To The Future, Part 4 October 15, 2010
“You built a time machine out of a UPS TRUCK?”
Heading Out To San Francisco January 8, 2003
NOTE TO SELF: Come up with a witty and insightful “Rice-a-roni” joke to end the paragraph
X Marks The Spot March 11, 2021
Starship will land successfully once SpaceX creates enough footage for their “How Not To Land A Starship” montage video.
Rats! December 2, 2007
I’m sure we can get people to live there when we can change the name from ‘Rat Island’ to ‘Dead Rat Island.’
Slowing Down In Boulder March 23, 2001
People covet that which is new and shiny. This universal truth has been demonstrated once again in the south suburbs of Denver, Colorado on Tuesday when hundreds of people waited for hours in the freezing early morning fog as the first Krispy Kreme store opened. I find this entertaining not because people camped out the […]
2005 Christmas Letter December 25, 2005
I made a promise to myself never to wear a tuxedo after my disastrous prom experience my junior year of high school.
In Military News September 26, 2002
President Bush became upset with Germany this week for refusing to support the United States regarding military action against Iraq. Many Democrats in the Senate responded to the incident by stating, “You know your battle plan sucks, Mr. President, when even Germany turns down your invitation to start a war.”
The B Team May 8, 2010
“Who are you freaks, and why are you sneaking up behind total strangers at the local Loaf ‘n Jug?” the woman asked after she sprayed a healthy does of concentrated pepper spray in their general direction.
How Computers Work Part 4 August 17, 2001
Eniac comes from an old Czechoslovakian phrase that roughly translates to “factory workers with steel shells who attempt to enslave humanity.”
Most Effective Barrier Method February 6, 2011
While various barrier methods of birth control have been around since the ancient Egyptians were putting up those lovely pyramids, I’ve come to realize the most effective barrier method to date. Step one: The woman lays down on the bed on the left side. She can position herself on her stomach, back, or side– whichever position […]
Wall Eyed October 20, 2003
China’s first man in space said the Earth looked beautiful from his orbiting capsule but he couldn’t find the Great Wall. “I tried to see it,” Yang Liwei told reporters, “but when I booked the flight I could only get an aisle seat. The gentleman next to the window closed the blind so he could […]
Suspicious Cups January 19, 2012
A high level administrator at the Transportation Security Administration responded to criticism when an agent recently confiscated a cupcake from an airline passenger in December because the food product in question exceeded the maximum quantities for liquid, gels, and aerosols. A detailed explanation of the situation was posted on the official TSA blog, ending with: “And […]
House Rules April 22, 2006
Immigration legislation has been stalled in Congress due to policy decisions regarding existing illegal immigrants. One Republican Senator went on record saying, “we could get a lot more done here if the Democrats stopped calling us Nazis every time we try to forcibly remove twelve million minorities from our country.”
Blow By Blow December 11, 2003
Pop singer Bobby Brown has been charged with battery after a weekend domestic dispute with his wife, singing star and actress Whitney Houston, left her with facial injuries. When questioned about the incident, Brown explained how the whole situation was just a simple misunderstanding. “All night long she just kept asking for a good smacking, […]
Spring Time August 29, 2009
I’m not sure if it was real rustic or fake rustic– around here it could go either way.
Hair Daze August 25, 2002
For reasons I don’t completely understand, my hair doesn’t succumb to the traditional forces of gravity.
Death And Taxes October 30, 2013
In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. –Benjamin Franklin Not so fast there Ben. –Google Google’s New Company Calico To Try to Cheat Deathwww.technologyreview.com/view/…/google-to-try-to-solve-death-lol/Sep 17, 2013 – A new company launched by Google will seek to extend human life spans. Google dodges billions in taxes with Bermuda tax havenThe Global Dispatch - 1 day agoThe UK tax authority has indicated it is investigating Google.
Step One: Find A Partner February 6, 2010
a majority of Americans prefer to emulate their favorite masked Mexican wrestling superstars during sex.
This Just In August 16, 2006
Standing-next-to-a-landing-helicopter-hair is the worst, but fortunately I’m bald.
World Racing Interface September 19, 2009
The world is your oyster. Oyster has no cash value.
Flights Of Fancy August 13, 2003
The Hong Kong based Blue Box Toys company announced plans to distribute a one-foot-tall GI Joe doll of the president called “Elite Force Aviator: George W. Bush– U.S. President and Naval Aviator.” A spokesperson for the company commented, “We are excited to release this new doll, especially after the marketing department killed plans for a […]
2007 Christmas Letter December 25, 2007
On a side note, he didn’t seem to enjoy the memory nasal probe. None of them do.
Time On My Hands March 30, 2001
I would like to encourage everyone who reads this to make sure to spend some time each day doing something that isn’t productive.
Lisa Loeb April 4, 2009
There aren’t too many famous people I would want to meet in person, but I thought I would keep track of who I would like to meet for lunch. Lisa Loeb: OK, she is rather pleasing to the eye (or at least both of mine), but what really won me over was her short lived […]
2011 Wrap Up December 31, 2011
there are more methods of calculating web traffic than there are ways to deep fry a Snickers bar
Supporting Children December 4, 2002
President Bush signed into law legislation to create a new kids-safe domain on the internet. The “.kids.us” domain will contain content acceptable for children under the age of 13. When the president signed the bill, he went on record saying, “I support this child net safety law– especially after I saw that musical fella dangling […]
Kids Don’t Try This At Home November 7, 2001
In retrospect, the fact that I was hauling around a backpack containing a broken car battery might have contributed to my decreased velocity.
Alien Speak January 1, 2001
Thanks for subscribing to the newfunny.com newsletter. I created this site as a moderated showcase for the talents of up-and-coming comedy writers. So if you like to write and believe that you are the next Dave Berry or Douglas Adams, please feel free to submit your work. If you can’t write, but like to read […]
Inexpensive Solar Collector September 17, 2009
Back in the day you could ask AOL for as many CDs as you wanted, but I’m not sure that would fly today.
Does It Come With Wheels April 8, 2010
President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev signed an agreement on Thursday to significantly reduce the superpowers’ nuclear arsenals to the lowest point since the arms race of the 1960s. While many experts applauded the effort, the issue of “loose nukes” such as suitcase bombs was left unresolved. When asked about this point, Obama […]
This Old Crack House July 21, 2003
If you would like to build a meth lab in your house, a set of measured drawings is available on our website.
Good Oil Boys April 11, 2003
The Army Corps of Engineers today released details regarding a controversial plan to rebuild Iraq’s oilfields once the military campaign has ended. While some members of Congress are questioning the ethics of awarding a seven billion dollar contract without competitive bidding to a company once run by Vice President Dick Chaney, the Bush administration replied, […]
Come On Holmes February 15, 2010
I watched “Holmes on Homes” on HGTV last night. Mike Holmes travels to people’s houses to repair shady contractor projects gone awry. Now he can finally quit his part time job working security detail for that Dexy’s Midnight Runners tribute band.
Brown Collar Song April 5, 2009
When I was just a young boyI didn’t know what to doBouncing through jobsDrifting without a clue Then one day my purpose became clearI felt a few inches tallerThe very first timeI wore the brown collar So now I go door to doorJust a spreading my wordMy presence is knownWhen I’m not seen or heard […]
Nice To Meet You April 4, 2009
Lady, I ran out of nice on Tuesday.
Obama Campaign Ads September 28, 2008
Campaign Ad #1 The entire ad is shown in the form of dated black and white film. The scene fades in showing an elaborate 1950’s ball A full sized orchestra is playing Glenn Miller’s “Moonlight Serenade.” All the men are clean cut and wearing traditional suits. A few couples are dancing in the middle, but […]
Taco Bell May 25, 2001
But I’m getting ahead of myself. For the sake of continuity, I’ll start at the beginning.
Virgin Kinetics Guidebook November 7, 2006
All I know is that I’m not some kind of wizard. And just because the real wizard told me all of this a week before the race doesn’t mean anything.
Climbing the Wal October 9, 2010
Wal-Mart Stores Inc., the nation’s largest private employer, plans to end automatic profit-sharing contributions for its employees in a revamp of its benefits package. A Human Resource representative for the company explained the changes. “Now, instead of giving money to all those employees over and over again, we are going to give these people a […]
Barrel Of Monkeys February 27, 2008
A report in the December 2007 issue of Animal Behavior claims male monkeys pay for sex with grooming services. After a twenty month observation of the monkeys, one researcher concluded, “Despite the rather conclusive evidence that monkeys pay for these services, we still advise the general public to avoid monkeys who try to pay for […]
Energy Bar April 17, 2003
The Bush administration has taken an unusual step of asking a federal appeals court to stop a lawsuit investigating Vice President Dick Cheney’s relationship with energy industry executives and lobbyists. During the proceedings one of the lawyers explained, “this is the same government that investigated Clinton for years and couldn’t come through with the money […]
Getting Dumped April 25, 2002
Henry doesn’t worry about hooking up stereo speakers or rifling through boxes trying to find a clean pair of underwear.