Doctor Who Kinetics Song May 5, 2007
Why a covered wagon? Well, the rap song explained it all.
DVD Lo Down August 14, 2003
Forty-two million pirated CDs and DVDs were destroyed in Beijing as Chinese authorities demonstrated their commitment to enforce international copyright laws. One movie executive in the United States commented, “While this is a step in the right direction, a closer examination of the situation showed an overwhelming majority of the pirated material was the movie […]
Do Pennies Make Our Lives Better? December 19, 2000
Until last week I considered myself neutral on the entire penny issue. A recently published report sponsored by Americans for Common Cents (a pro-penny group backed by zinc companies) documents the effects if the Federal government were to take pennies out of circulation. Some of these negative consequences includes an effective 600 million dollar “rounding […]
Mr. Watson, Come Here April 17, 2011
After becoming bored beating almost all of the humans on the planet at the game show Jeopardy, the supercomputer known as Watson will start entertaining himself by creating a billion fake tweets every day. Twitter followers, after discovering the situation, by in large decide the fake tweets are more interesting than the real ones and […]
If I Had A Million Dollars… May 10, 2021
So if I had a million dollars, I’d go online and buy a vintage version of “Life” and let you be the travel agent
Star Search March 9, 2004
Astronomers using the Hubble Space telescope have released the deepest-ever image of the universe using a long duration exposure that provides a glimpse of the cosmos more than 13 billion years ago. “In addition to the clouds of space dust and ice particles,” one source close to the program explained, “we have discovered a very, […]
2000 Christmas Letter December 25, 2000
Welcome to the sixth year of the increasingly inaccurately named “Christmas Letter Trilogy.” The world seemed to have survived the whole Y2K scare without too much pillaging and plundering. Or at least there wasn’t any more than last year (adjusted for inflation). Despite the fact I didn’t get to spend six months in Europe this […]
Men Are From Mars January 13, 2004
President Bush said on Tuesday his proposals for a space program that would take man to the Moon and Mars, criticized by some for its high cost, would be affordable. “We can get half way there,” the Commander in Chief explained, “just by climbing on top of all the money I’ve collected for the next […]
The War On Drugs June 12, 2002
The Bush administration today announced a new tool to help fight the war on drugs. The “Say No To Drugs” slogan currently printed on urinal cake holders will soon be replaced with a voice recording of John Ashcroft yelling “say no to drugs RIGHT NOW, or DEA agents will be dispatched to this location. You […]
Horse Play October 12, 2013
I was talking with my chiropractor the other day about “horse punching” in movies. He said they use trip wires to knock the horse over which seems pretty cruel to the animal. While he was twisting my neck back and forth I made the reassuring observation that “at least with today’s computer animation technology any […]
Most Effective Barrier Method February 6, 2011
While various barrier methods of birth control have been around since the ancient Egyptians were putting up those lovely pyramids, I’ve come to realize the most effective barrier method to date. Step one: The woman lays down on the bed on the left side. She can position herself on her stomach, back, or side– whichever position […]
In Exotic Motorcycle News January 8, 2003
Dodge recently unveiled a new prototype motorcycle. Sitting on four wheels and sporting a 10 cylinder Viper engine, the machine can accelerate from 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds and has an estimated top speed of 400 miles per hour. A slightly less impressive statistic was recorded, however, when the vehicle had to stop for […]
Berlin September 3, 2001
Say what you want about communism, but they are light years ahead of us in personal hot dog vending devices.
Annoying Sleeping Habits February 1, 2002
NOTE TO SELF: eat two more chocolate eclairs before bed to fulfill the recommended daily allowance of vanilla goo
2012 Review December 31, 2012
My resolution for 2013 is to finally get invited to a masquerade party. Sci-fi themed or otherwise.
We’ve Got Ears Say Cheers May 19, 2013
Just a quick post for some predictions on where things are headed with this whole “technology” thing. We are going to see some new applications with noise canceling technology. Most commonly used in headphones to quiet unwanted sounds such as annoying coworkers, jet engines, and your daughter’s pet gerbil that sits in his cage as […]
Dog Days April 4, 2009
I pulled up to the house just as a woman and her dog were leaving to go for an afternoon walk. I reached for a dog biscuit as I stepped out of the truck. The dog ate it up while I talked to the woman. “This is for you.” I said as I handed her […]
1851 Christmas Letter April 20, 2025
It was just another typical retro 80’s Saturday night for me– I started streaming the original Tron movie on my 75 inch flat screen television, pulled out a cold six pack of Jolt soda from the refrigerator, and popped in a 5.25 inch floppy disc into my gaming computer which contained a slightly pirated version […]
Kicking It Old School January 28, 2003
U.S. Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld recently caused a bit of a stir by stating that France and Germany’s reluctance to support a war against Iraq indicated they were still part of “old Europe.” A high ranking French official replied, “I’m not sure about the rest of the world, but talking about war and ‘old […]
Why I Want My Own Route July 23, 2009
Here are the exact directions (meaning I’m not making any of this up) to 4580 County Road 68, Wellington, Colorado: Go north on I-25 and get off at the Wellington exit. Head north on the east side frontage road until you see a sign for CR68. There is only one house on the road and […]
Fixing The Leak April 2, 2017
Depending on the outcome of the upcoming Ecuadorian Presidential election, Wikileaks founder Julian Assange may need to find a new place to live. Assange has been living in the Ecuador Embassy in London since 2012 to avoid facing sexual assault charges in Sweden and the possibility extradition the the United States to answer to espionage charges. Guillermo […]
Pain In The Ass June 29, 2003
A recently completed study in the United Kingdom discovered a link between alcohol consumption and rectal cancer. The research team found people who consume more than fourteen drinks a week are three times more likely than non-drinkers to develop the disease. The report came with the following warning, “if you go out to your local […]
Adventures In Europe August 28, 2001
No matter how many times it happens to me, I’m never totally comfortable when I am stranded near a nuclear power plant and witness an explosion.
Alien Speak January 1, 2001
Thanks for subscribing to the newfunny.com newsletter. I created this site as a moderated showcase for the talents of up-and-coming comedy writers. So if you like to write and believe that you are the next Dave Berry or Douglas Adams, please feel free to submit your work. If you can’t write, but like to read […]
Only The Good Die Young October 4, 2004
Music superstar Billy Joel married his 23-year-old fiancée Saturday in a small ceremony in Long Island, New York. When asked about the nature of their relationship, the young bride explained, “I have always respected and admired Billy’s musical abilities for as long as I can remember. In fact, when I told my mother we were […]
Thai Cheap August 18, 2006
A project to provide $100 laptop computers to poor children around the world is about to take a step forward. Thaiwan’s Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra announced that “if this project is completed” it would reach all Thai elementary students. With the exception, of course, of the children who are too busy working in the $100 […]
The Silver Screams September 24, 2003
Welcome to the first debate for the 2004 Presidential Election here on the Fox News Network. We have with us, from the Republican side, current President George “Dubya” Bush. Representing the Democrats tonight is Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman. In order to give the American people more of what we think they want, the theme of […]
X Marks The Spot March 11, 2021
Starship will land successfully once SpaceX creates enough footage for their “How Not To Land A Starship” montage video.
12862, 11561, 67, 2465, 762, -178, 938, 1292 June 19, 2009
each number represented an important milestone in our lives– measured in days
Crunch Time October 1, 2010
AOL said on Tuesday that it was buying the influential technology news blog TechCrunch for a reported $25 million dollars in order to bolster its growing online editorial business. When asked about plans for their latest purchase, a high ranking AOL official replied, “Based on our previous acquisitions, we plan on throwing away everything useful […]
Dancing With The Stars May 22, 2009
In the soon to be released “Terminator Salvation” the machines hypnotize people with their smooth steps and jazz hands– humanity never saw it coming.
How Computers Work Part 4 August 17, 2001
Eniac comes from an old Czechoslovakian phrase that roughly translates to “factory workers with steel shells who attempt to enslave humanity.”
Prime Contenders August 28, 2011
Here is the transcript of our parade skit: You may address me as number 2– the number one prime number. Behind me is number 3, the number 2 prime, and also with me is numbers 5 and 7, the third and fourth primes. We represent the prime numbers– positive integers evenly divisible by only ourselves […]
Irregular April 4, 2009
“That’s a nice shirt/pair of shoes/lavishly decorated tiara”
Team Infinities June 26, 2016
Welcome to the post-race wrap-up for the 37th annual Longmont Kinetics Race! I’m the team captain of team Infinities, but to keep things simple you can call me Infini-tease. I’m the one with the pink hair and the fishnet stockings. The other members of my team include Infini Tea, Infini T, and Infini Tee. The […]
Need For Speed November 15, 2002
A supercomputer in Yokohama, Japan recently claimed the number one position in the Top 500 list of the most powerful computer systems in the world. The system, which simulates climate and other aspects of the earth, consists of 640 machines connected through a high-speed network. The machine performs more than 35 trillion operations per second […]
Bursting At The Seams November 7, 2002
Actor and director Kevin Costner recently underwent surgery to remove his appendix. In addition to being inflamed and irritated, the organ in question cited “artistic and personal differences” when it formally requested to be removed from Mr. Costner’s abdominal cavity.
Island Paradise July 11, 2003
An unidentified British financier recently spent $40 million for an apartment space facing Central Park in New York City. After the deal was finalized, the landlord warned the new tenant, “No loud music, no drugs, or I get you arrested and someone else gets your apartment.”
Corporate Farmville September 11, 2010
Welcome to the latest Facebook application! For the 25,000,000 fans of the original Farmville, we now introduce the next generation: Corporate Farmville! While planting and tending to small plots of land has its own unique charm, Corporate Farmville takes the entire process to the next level. Start the game by incorporating your business in a state […]
2007 Christmas Letter December 25, 2007
On a side note, he didn’t seem to enjoy the memory nasal probe. None of them do.
The Zero Effect October 21, 2002
A White House spokesman stated Monday that the United States will insist on a “zero tolerance” policy regarding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. To put this in perspective, the Bush administration assigned Iran and North Korea, the remaining two-thirds of the “Axis of Evil,” tolerance levels of five and eleven.
No More Playing Around April 2, 2003
France has agreed to provide 320 military personnel for a peacekeeping operation in ethnically divided Macedonia. The French brigadier general in charge went on record saying, “If we don’t get the complete and immediate cooperation from the Macedonian government, ethic rebels, and civilian population, we are prepared to take whatever means necessary to resolve the […]
2011 Wrap Up December 31, 2011
there are more methods of calculating web traffic than there are ways to deep fry a Snickers bar
Expanding Horizons December 3, 2002
A police investigation is underway into a pornographic movie shot on campus at Indiana University. A film crew from Shane Enterprises had 20 to 30 students sign model release forms before shooting erotic footage for “Shane’s World 32: Campus Invasion.” The resident manager at Teter Quadrangle who brought the matter to the police commented, “I […]
Entertainment Of The Future March 16, 2001
I have to admit up front that I have never written a story while being held against my will at the Boulder County Police Headquarters. Usually I sit home at my desk and mold the random thoughts running around in my head into a somewhat coherent and for the most part correctly-spelled piece of literature. […]
Mile High Club April 9, 2004
In the wake of record-high crude oil prices, one national newspaper reporter asked the President what can be done to conserve this limited resource. The Commander-in-Chief replied, “We all must do our part to conserve fuel. I, for example, have retracted my open invitation for Rush Limbaugh to travel with me on Air Force One.”
Chronic Pain August 20, 2003
Hundreds of people in England are being recruited to take Cannabis after operations. In the clinical study, 400 patients will test a Cannabis-based prototype produced by GW Pharmaceuticals to determine the drug’s effectiveness in reducing post-operative pain. The announcement of this study sent the companies stock up 7.5 percent to a two-month high. The stock […]
1995 Christmas Letter December 25, 1995
Dear friend, Another year has passed before us and I am taking time out of my busy schedule to personally write you this letter explaining to you what is going on in my life. Please do not infer that just because I am constantly referring to you in the generic second person and not including […]
Envigoral Infomercial September 25, 2005
Most people haven’t heard of this new and exciting product due to some minor paperwork issues with the Food and Drug Administration.
Six Months In Amsterdam July 1, 1999
Now that I think about it, the title sounds like a good title for a song. It would be kind of like “One Night in Bankock” but with less of a techno beat and more references to sex and drugs. In case you didn’t already know, I spent the first half of 1999 living and […]