House Calls February 5, 2012
Mitt Romney is still working to clarify his statement, “I’m not concerned about the very poor.” On an unplanned trip to chat with reporters in the rear of his campaign jet, the former Governor of Massachusetts worked to explain his intentions of the comment in question. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no,” Romney proclaimed. “I […]
IGF May 10, 2007
If you answered “Yes” or “No” to any of these questions, or if you haven’t changed the channel yet, you need the IGF 3000!
Working Man November 7, 2002
If there is a box marked “Glass– FRAGILE” I have to be very careful about what NOT to place on top– like an anvil, for example.
How Computers Work Part 6 September 23, 2001
The packaging of the product in stores proclaimed the game of Pong to be, “Virtual reality fourth dimension alien space tennis with real lasers.”
Horse Play October 12, 2013
I was talking with my chiropractor the other day about “horse punching” in movies. He said they use trip wires to knock the horse over which seems pretty cruel to the animal. While he was twisting my neck back and forth I made the reassuring observation that “at least with today’s computer animation technology any […]
World Peace November 22, 2002
Intense riots in Kaduna, Nigeria were sparked by a local newspaper article regarding the upcoming Miss World pageant. The front-page article claimed that if he was alive today, the Islamic prophet Mohamed probably would have chosen a wife from among the contestants. The developing African country won the right to host the competition last year […]
Most Effective Barrier Method February 6, 2011
While various barrier methods of birth control have been around since the ancient Egyptians were putting up those lovely pyramids, I’ve come to realize the most effective barrier method to date. Step one: The woman lays down on the bed on the left side. She can position herself on her stomach, back, or side– whichever position […]
Glass Eyes March 30, 2013
Newt Gingrich has been given the opportunity to be one of the very first adopters of the new Google Glass. While always a public advocate of futuristic technological advances such as robotic doctor chairs and moon colonies, Gingrich’s excitement to try out this new technology was hard to contain as he detailed the potential uses […]
Lost In Translation April 27, 2014
Kmart had plenty of sexy Scarlett Johansson “Avenger” posters for sale today, but they were all out of merchandising from her frumpy “Lost in Translation” appearance.
S And Men May 30, 2010
“Sex and the City 2” earned $32.1 million dollars over the three day memorial day weekend. Reports show 90% of the audience were women and the rest were men hoping to get some.
1995 Christmas Letter December 25, 1995
Dear friend, Another year has passed before us and I am taking time out of my busy schedule to personally write you this letter explaining to you what is going on in my life. Please do not infer that just because I am constantly referring to you in the generic second person and not including […]
Problems On The Hill March 8, 2001
The unusually cold winter this season has given Boulder a few months of calm from the recurring problem of wildly inappropriate behavior up on the Hill. As a mix of retail, housing, and Greek organizations, the area west of the CU Boulder campus known as the Hill has become a real black eye for both […]
Nights At The Round Table October 30, 2003
North Korea has agreed, in principle, to six-way talks addressing Pyongyang’s controversial nuclear program. The complex agreement will bring North Korea, South Korea, China, Japan, Russia, and the United States together in an attempt to resolve the situation. While the details of the negotiations have not been finalized, it is widely believed the meeting will […]
In The Beginning October 5, 2022
In the beginning God created the mathematical universe and it was formless and void. God said, “Let this be known as nothing.” Then God said, “It is not right that this creation should be alone. I will make a companion suitable for him. Also, let this be known as everything.” God saw that everything was […]
Words Of Wisdom November 16, 2010
Sarah Palin was awarded the 2010 “Word of the Year” for typing “refudiate” in her Twitter feed. Second place went to my cat for typing the the word “wefvpo;g” as he walked over my keyboard last week. Also, Rich Hall from HBO’s Not Necessarily the News called and wants his Sniglet back.
Chronic Pain August 20, 2003
Hundreds of people in England are being recruited to take Cannabis after operations. In the clinical study, 400 patients will test a Cannabis-based prototype produced by GW Pharmaceuticals to determine the drug’s effectiveness in reducing post-operative pain. The announcement of this study sent the companies stock up 7.5 percent to a two-month high. The stock […]
Election Coverage September 18, 2002
After a close election in the Democratic nomination for governor of Florida, former Clinton administration attorney general Janet Reno conceded defeat to Tampa lawyer and first-time candidate Bill McBride. While generally cordial, she ended her concession speech by saying, “Sure, Mr. McBride seems like a nice enough guy, but when push comes to shove does […]
Father’s Day Surprise June 15, 2012
Katherine told me Friday night that she is picking up a special Father’s Day gift for me at 9am Saturday morning. She refuses to give me any more details regarding the nature of the item, so I am using my amazing powers of deduction and reasonableness to conclude that she spent a small part of […]
Gods Playing Poker September 15, 2002
Jesus: Just this morning I produced my image in a tortilla in a small town in eastern Texas. Thor: I’ve always admired you for that.
Common Sense May 15, 2011
Several members of the Republican party, including Karl Rove and Sarah Palin, have openly criticized President Barack Obama for inviting the rap star Common to read a short poem at a recent White House Poetry event. “We don’t want this to come off as racists old school thinking,” the Republicans explained in a press release, […]
Fighting Terrorism September 27, 2002
Citing security concerns, officials at Pittsburgh International Airport recently dedicated a replica of a Tyrannosaurus Rex by tearing the ribbon with their hands. In a totally unrelated story, FBI agents were called to the scene when passengers boarding a flight noticed a suspicious-looking individual attempting to fit a four-foot-long pair of novelty scissors in an […]
Nice To Meet You April 4, 2009
Lady, I ran out of nice on Tuesday.
The Dog Days Of Summer August 16, 2002
But enough about my roommate’s chromatically symmetrical eyes– this is a story about the dogs.
House Rules April 22, 2006
Immigration legislation has been stalled in Congress due to policy decisions regarding existing illegal immigrants. One Republican Senator went on record saying, “we could get a lot more done here if the Democrats stopped calling us Nazis every time we try to forcibly remove twelve million minorities from our country.”
Stephen Colbert Title Sequence November 10, 2012
“Mi-partison”, “My-partison”, and/or “Mypartison” are my submissions for the next word in Stephen Colbert’s “The Colbert Report.” I’m not sure exactly how to spell it since I just made up the word, but that is besides the point. For those who aren’t up on Comedy Central’s talk shows, every now and then a new phrase is […]
Interview With Ertok February 22, 2001
A lot of newfunny readers are curious to learn more about Ertok. For those of you who are new to the site, Ertok is an Evil Alien Overlord that oversees my work on the newfunny web site. The Evil Alien Overlords are planning to enslave the human race and create a planetary network of mining […]
1851 Christmas Letter April 20, 2025
It was just another typical retro 80’s Saturday night for me– I started streaming the original Tron movie on my 75 inch flat screen television, pulled out a cold six pack of Jolt soda from the refrigerator, and popped in a 5.25 inch floppy disc into my gaming computer which contained a slightly pirated version […]
Not in Russian Anymore March 3, 2012
I was looking through my wordpress admin page and I noticed more than 1,000 spam responses in the comments section. By default I don’t post any of these to my site, but just for fun I looked through some of the stuff that people are trying to get on my site. About half of the […]
Dog Park September 26, 2002
Maybe I’m developing self-esteem issues here– sometimes I really wonder why these two dogs are so excited by my presence.
Oh What An Interweb We Weave May 11, 2013
CNN Writer Paul Miller recently wrote about his year long self-imposed banishment from the Internet. “What’s the Internet?” asked half the world.
How Computers Work Part 3 July 25, 2001
And don’t worry too much about the evil alien robot monkeys. The odds of them suddenly materializing in your bedroom are rather slim.
Buildin Better Townhomes September 16, 2009
I would try this myself, but I would like to avoid a lengthy legal dispute with my homeowner’s association.
2011 Christmas Letter December 25, 2011
As was the case with Isabel’s birth, I looked stunning in the white sterile body suit I wore during the birthing procedure.
Strange Bedfellows March 2, 2011
When asked about his potential Presidential campaign in 2012, Newt Gingrich replied, “This type of campaign requires a tremendous amount of planning. For example, I have barely even begun to consider who will be my wife this time around.”
I should Be An SNL Writer October 14, 2009
Here was a joke on Thursday’s Saturday Night Live: A man in Massachusetts who used a pellet gun to steal a hot dog from another man in the park has been sentenced to 18 months in prison. And just for future reference, stealing a guys wallet can buy you lots of hot dogs. Here is […]
The B Team May 8, 2010
“Who are you freaks, and why are you sneaking up behind total strangers at the local Loaf ‘n Jug?” the woman asked after she sprayed a healthy does of concentrated pepper spray in their general direction.
In High Technology January 9, 2003
Microsoft Corporation recently announced plans to enhance everyday objects such as watches and refrigerator magnets. These devices will provide users with up-to-date information regarding sports scores, traffic reports, and, somewhere down the road, home power outages and threats at your children’s school. When asked about this new technology, Microsoft founder Bill Gates commented, “While I’m […]
Minus J and K October 24, 2009
The bitter divorce proceedings of the Gosselin family, famous for their reality show “John and Kate Plus Eight,” continue to play out in the media tabloids. When asked for a comment on the situation, a high level employee of the network anonymously commented, “When divorce proceedings turn ugly like this the judicial system needs to […]
Inexpensive Solar Collector September 17, 2009
Back in the day you could ask AOL for as many CDs as you wanted, but I’m not sure that would fly today.
2000 Christmas Letter December 25, 2000
Welcome to the sixth year of the increasingly inaccurately named “Christmas Letter Trilogy.” The world seemed to have survived the whole Y2K scare without too much pillaging and plundering. Or at least there wasn’t any more than last year (adjusted for inflation). Despite the fact I didn’t get to spend six months in Europe this […]
Weirdos In Town November 16, 2001
I truly believe that people, organizations, and entire nations expose the true content of their character when cruelty and misfortune test the limits of human endurance. When the fringe elements of a culture force their views on the rest of society through radical and unlawful acts, we must strive as a country to respond with […]
And One Pill Makes You Small October 28, 2003
A report commissioned by the governor of Illinois found that the if the state purchased prescription drugs from Canada, the average retiree could save more than $1000 a year without compromising the safety or quality of their medications. When asked to respond to these findings, a spokesperson for an undisclosed drug company replied, “Sure, this […]
Suspicious Cups January 19, 2012
A high level administrator at the Transportation Security Administration responded to criticism when an agent recently confiscated a cupcake from an airline passenger in December because the food product in question exceeded the maximum quantities for liquid, gels, and aerosols. A detailed explanation of the situation was posted on the official TSA blog, ending with: “And […]
Cellular Damage November 11, 2002
A California report that blames cell phone use in 913 highway accidents in 2001 is being revised because officials believe the figure should be about seven times higher. Governor Gray Davis returned the report to the California Highway Patrol after performing some rough calculations on his cell phone calculator on his drive to work.
License Plate May 29, 2008
OK, so I’m driving around in a UPS truck this afternoon and I saw the following personalized license plate without any spaces in between the letters: BIGAL I guess the meaning really depends on where you put the space.
The Dukes Of Hazzard August 15, 2009
With an odd blank look on his face Enos stared off to the distance and said, to nobody in particular, “I want to see Daisy’s womanly abilities….”
There Should Have Been Only One November 24, 2015
Executives at Hulu are being investigated for “review inflation” after an investigative journalist recently uncovered a “3 out of 5” star rating for Highlander 2. Scientific investigation on this subject have concluded this movie is as close to “absolute zero stars” as is humanly possible.
Alien Speak January 1, 2001
Thanks for subscribing to the newfunny.com newsletter. I created this site as a moderated showcase for the talents of up-and-coming comedy writers. So if you like to write and believe that you are the next Dave Berry or Douglas Adams, please feel free to submit your work. If you can’t write, but like to read […]
Revenge Of The Nerds: The Next Generation April 13, 2012
So I’ve been keeping up to date on this whole “CSU wants to build a new football stadium on campus even though they already have one a few miles off campus” ordeal. For everyone not up to speed on the matter, read the previous sentence. Now that everyone is caught up, one of the proposals […]
Military Operations September 20, 2002
When questioned on the situation in the Middle East, former Vice President Dan Quayle responded, “Don’t you mean IRAQUE?”