Three Strikes February 6, 2003
In a recent interview, Ben Affleck dismissed rumors that he plans to marry Jennifer Lopez on Valentine’s Day. When asked if he ever had a fling with Britney Spears, Affleck again said it wasn’t true. He proceeded to ask the pop princess’s age and then mouthed the words “call me” as he made a telephone […]
Tick Tick Tick Tick January 6, 2013
Photograph sharing website Instagram created an uproar after announcing sweeping changes to their terms of service. The wave of negative publicity has forced the company to change their plans, with one high ranking company official stating off the record that “this ranks up there with one of the most blatant abuses of technology since CBS […]
For Our Next Project July 26, 2002
Researchers at Carnegie Mellon University built a machine designed to demonstrate basic social skills. The robot, named Grace, is a 6-foot-tall drum shaped device which communicates through a digitally animated woman’s face. While the robot’s social abilities are minimal at best, the researcher’s modest goal is to have Grace appear at least as human as […]
Signs Of The Times March 30, 2013
I was driving down the highway today and the electronic warning sign said, “Call *277 to report drunk drivers.” The next sign read, “Plz txt Some1NEARmeISbReakingTHElaw to 31416 to report drivers using their phones while driving.” Back to driving…
Pie In The Sky May 12, 2004
In light of the recent Space Shuttle disaster, officials at NASA are considering sending an unmanned robot into space to perform maintenance on the fourteen year old Hubble Telescope. “The idea came to us,” one project manager reported, “after the local Chuck E Cheese closed down and the entire animatronic Pizza Time Band became unemployed.”
Stay Or Go July 19, 2009
I watch quite a few home remodeling shows on television. The premise this idea is to find homeowners who are on the fence about moving to a new home in the same general area. A team of experts come in and talk to the homeowner about what issues they have with their current home. From […]
Taco Bell May 25, 2001
But I’m getting ahead of myself. For the sake of continuity, I’ll start at the beginning.
Road Trip September 6, 2001
Perhaps I’ve watched a few too many episodes of “Xena Warrior Princess.”
Kinetics June 1, 2001
Just for the sake of comparison, building a craft and competing in the race requires roughly three to four orders of magnitudes more effort than, say, writing a song about Taco Bell.
Panama City, Panama Vacation March 21, 2025
Relationship Tip #57 January 23, 2013
If you are dating a woman and are considering “taking things to the next level” (such as spending the rest of your lives together or lending her your spare grocery store rewards card) I would highly recommend that you do a little bit of research on the Internet and check out how she fares in […]
Another Interview With Ertok May 15, 2001
For those of you new to the site, Ertok is an Evil Alien Overlord who, among other things, oversees the operations here
Use Your Illusion June 5, 2003
Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer sent a memo out to all his employees critical of open source software and the companies who support it. “Complicating the situation are companies, like IBM, whose support of Linux has added an illusion of support and accountability.” The memo went on to say, “This, obviously, is in direct conflict with […]
2001 Christmas Letter December 25, 2001
The idea was about as appealing as a “Three’s Company” television reunion special (likely plot line: Chrissy isn’t pregnant—she’s menopausal.)
Music Notes December 16, 2002
Singer David Lee Roth is suing his former Van Halen band mates. The suit alleges members of the band robbed him of royalty money through a 1996 contract with Warner Bros. When asked about the legal proceedings, Roth said, “Woooo! I’m back in the spotlight, and ready to ROCK!!!”
Hot Potato September 29, 2003
A 6-foot tall, 150-pound Mr. Potato Head statue once used by the Rhode Island Tourism Division was stolen Friday from the driveway of a private home in Newport, Rhode Island. After hearing the news, the search for a 6-foot tall letter “E” was initiated by former Vice President Dan Quayle.
Internet Killed The TV Star November 23, 2014
I showed my kids “Video Killed the Radio Star” on YouTube today. This song has the honor of being the first video ever played on MTV. In a related story, MTV has announced it will play it’s very last music video later on this year.
Funny And Sexy– Is It Possible August 8, 2009
We rented “Zach and Miri Make a Porno” from Netflix this weekend. The premise is quite simple– long time friends and roommates Zach and Miri are broke, and decide to remedy the situation by filming a porno flick. Of course nothing really goes as planned, and things get weird between the two friends when the […]
Death And Taxes October 30, 2013
In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. –Benjamin Franklin Not so fast there Ben. –Google Google’s New Company Calico To Try to Cheat Deathwww.technologyreview.com/view/…/google-to-try-to-solve-death-lol/Sep 17, 2013 – A new company launched by Google will seek to extend human life spans. Google dodges billions in taxes with Bermuda tax havenThe Global Dispatch - 1 day agoThe UK tax authority has indicated it is investigating Google.
Traffic Jams January 4, 2002
Hello! How was I supposed to know a truck was going to tip over on I-25? Do I look like Miss Cleo?
New TLC Show August 15, 2009
Following the success of the show, “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” The Learning Channel greenlighted a sister show titled, “I Thought I Was Pregnant But It Turns Out I Was Just Getting Fat Really Quickly After My Boyfriend Dumped Me And I Just Sat Around On The Couch Eating Microwave Pizza and Twinkies All […]
Weirdos In Town November 16, 2001
I truly believe that people, organizations, and entire nations expose the true content of their character when cruelty and misfortune test the limits of human endurance. When the fringe elements of a culture force their views on the rest of society through radical and unlawful acts, we must strive as a country to respond with […]
AT&T Drops Tiger NYC December 31, 2009
Telecommunication giant AT&T recently announced plans to drop sponsorship of Tiger Woods due to his indefinite break from professional golf and infidelity issues. AT&T has also recently stopped selling certain phones in New York City for unknown reasons. This has led Tiger and NYC to become friends on Facebook and send each other messages about […]
Mr. Watson, Come Here April 17, 2011
After becoming bored beating almost all of the humans on the planet at the game show Jeopardy, the supercomputer known as Watson will start entertaining himself by creating a billion fake tweets every day. Twitter followers, after discovering the situation, by in large decide the fake tweets are more interesting than the real ones and […]
Thoughts On The Competition June 9, 2001
Is this a plan of action that will advance my writing career? I’m not really sure. Could it land me in jail? Quite possibly.
Need For Speed November 15, 2002
A supercomputer in Yokohama, Japan recently claimed the number one position in the Top 500 list of the most powerful computer systems in the world. The system, which simulates climate and other aspects of the earth, consists of 640 machines connected through a high-speed network. The machine performs more than 35 trillion operations per second […]
New Ad Campaign January 4, 2011
Village Inn suggests you change your schedule: Sunday: Shut your pie hole Monday: Shut your pie hole Tuesday: Shut your pie hole Wednesday: Open your pie hole! Thursday: Shut your pie hole Friday: Shut your pie hole Saturday: Shut your pie hole
I Just Knew It Was Going To Happen May 2, 2012
On April 16, 2012 an airline passenger was detained by the TSA due to luggage that contained two silicon breast enhancers that exceeded the TSA’s limit of 3.2 ounce limit on liquids and gels. Back on January 19, 2012 I made the following fake quote from the TSA after the “cupcake in a jar” ordeal: […]
Men And Women April 12, 2001
The odds of throwing out your back while putting dirty clothes into the hamper are quite small.
Better Than The Maze July 25, 2006
Having a cigarette while drinking may reduce the effects of the alcohol, scientists suggest – but the tests have only been carried out on rats so far. The lead scientist explained, “we did everything within reason to create a nice bar scene for the rats, but when all was said and done it wasn’t much […]
Black Remote Technology March 1, 2009
Who wants to save electricity? Or from a more pragmatic perspective: Who wants to save money? By far the best first step in reducing a home utility bill is to buy compact fluorescent light bulbs to replace less efficient incandescent bulbs. These CFL bulbs used to be quite pricey, but I just checked on Amazon.com […]
Getting Published April 4, 2009
Kind of like putting a rubber band around the trigger of the pull out sprayer at the kitchen sink so when the next person turns on the water it shoots straight at their chest.
You Know You Are An Insomniac If October 30, 2001
Just to set the record straight, calculators have the 1,2,3 row on the bottom row while telephones put it on the top row.
License Plate May 29, 2008
OK, so I’m driving around in a UPS truck this afternoon and I saw the following personalized license plate without any spaces in between the letters: BIGAL I guess the meaning really depends on where you put the space.
Dough Boys July 1, 2003
In an effort to reduce obesity in the United States, Kraft Foods Inc, the nation’s largest food manufacturer, has announced plans to evaluate portion sizes and the nutritional content of all its products. A spokesperson for Kraft explained, “In the future, a bag of, say, Oreo cookies will be exactly the same size as before, […]
Solo Weekend September 29, 2013
My wife doesn’t seem to want to watch Highlander with me much anymore. Well, that isn’t exactly true– she really never wanted to see it from, I suspect, the moment of her birth.
Burning Issues October 4, 2002
Betty Bullock started smoking when she was seventeen and was diagnosed with lung cancer that has since spread to her liver. This week a jury awarded her $28 billion in damages after she sued Philip Morris for fraud and negligence. As a result of this court action, millions of people across the country are reconsidering […]
High Hopes July 5, 2004
Three University of Cincinnati have spent the past two years designing and building a rocket that, with the help of NASA, will be launched over the Atlantic and is designed to reach and altitude of 30,000 feet. When asked about the amount of effort needed to complete the project, one of the students replied, “Sure, […]
2020 Christmas Letter December 25, 2020
If I ever end up murdered from a shattered “Best In Show” DVD being lodged in my neck and/or eye sockets, it was TOTALLY my wife.
Kids Don’t Try This At Home November 7, 2001
In retrospect, the fact that I was hauling around a backpack containing a broken car battery might have contributed to my decreased velocity.
Let’s Have This Baby April 3, 2010
Isabel had to make a few adjustments like breathing air, receiving nutrition through her mouth, and not being allowed to lounge around all day in that warm soft jacuzzi of a uterus.
In Military News September 26, 2002
President Bush became upset with Germany this week for refusing to support the United States regarding military action against Iraq. Many Democrats in the Senate responded to the incident by stating, “You know your battle plan sucks, Mr. President, when even Germany turns down your invitation to start a war.”
Living It Up November 22, 2002
A recent study found more pedestrians died on California streets than any other state in the nation. Last year, 731 pedestrians were killed in the Golden State. North Dakota came in dead last with three pedestrian fatalities. The study noted, however, that the rankings were reversed for the number of people who died of boredom.
Does It Come With Wheels April 8, 2010
President Barack Obama and Russian President Dmitry Medvedev signed an agreement on Thursday to significantly reduce the superpowers’ nuclear arsenals to the lowest point since the arms race of the 1960s. While many experts applauded the effort, the issue of “loose nukes” such as suitcase bombs was left unresolved. When asked about this point, Obama […]
Iceland Photos July 12, 2024
Another Exciting Friday Night January 26, 2013
My ongoing quest to get our DVD collection onto a network drive took a big step forward last night. I found a gizmo on Amazon that lets me turn an old USB drive into a network drive. Now I have someplace to download all of our movies that the Playstation 3 can recognize. This means […]
Estate Planning March 3, 2013
In a recent interview on Fox News Sunday the Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney placed the blame for not winning the election squarely on his campaign’s failure to connect with minority voters. His wife, however, was quick to place blame on the fourth estate. “And just to be clear about this, when I say ‘fourth […]
Change I Can Believe In March 20, 2010
I’ve decided to report one million people live in my house on my official census form to qualify my residence as a new Congressional district. This would give me a good shot at finally getting elected to the House of Representatives, provided I can convince the dog not to vote for my wife. (note to […]
Get Some Glass App May 7, 2013
I highly recommend this for anyone looking to meet someone new when everyone else you know describes you as hopelessly boring, lacking any knowledge of current events, and/or obsessed with changes made to the 1997 re-release of “Star Wars: A New Hope.”
2002 Christmas Letter December 25, 2002
I wanted to say “beard Nair,” but I wrote “bread Nair.” I don’t think either product currently exists.