Lutfey.com

  • I pulled up to the house just as a woman and her dog were leaving to go for an afternoon walk.  I reached for a dog biscuit as I stepped out of the truck.  The dog ate it up while I talked to the woman.

    “This is for you.”  I said as I handed her the small cardboard box.

    She examined the label with a slight look of confusion on her face.  The dog had by now made quick work of his unexpected treat.

    “You are on the wrong street.  This package is for 3001 Swallow Place.  My house is 3001 Swallow Bend.” she replied.

    “My mistake, but I will need that dog treat back.”

    A moment of awkward silence ensued.

    This whole situation happened to me this week, but the I didn’t come up with the last line until after I drove away.  I guess my sharp wit is balanced out by my poor timing.  Maybe that’s why I write so much stuff on the Internet.

  • I was getting a signature for a package (like I have to do 60 times a day) on Thursday.  The conversation went something like this:

    “I’ll sign for it if you are nice to me.”
    “Lady, I ran out of nice on Tuesday.”

  • OK– I’m going to confess something here.  I didn’t really write all these posts on April 4, 2009.  In my ongoing effort to get everything I’ve written on to my newfunny website, I imported the blog I started on my myspace page two years ago.  I apologize in advance for any problems this may cause to my loyal readers.

    I’ve been a UPS driver for 3 years now– not quite long enough to get my own route.  Basically I cover other driver’s routes when they are sick or on vacation.  Some customers are rather attached to their drivers.

    “You aren’t our regular/usual driver.”
    “No, I’m the irregular/unusual one.”

    One of the other swing drivers told me that one, and it seems to make people laugh.  And since I deliver to new people all the time, I get alot of practice. My other favorite line goes something like this:

    “That’s a nice shirt/pair of shoes/lavishly decorated tiara”
    “Thanks”
    “They don’t let me wear anything pretty to work– its all brown, brown, brown!”

    Another good aspect of my job is that I can practice the same joke on 50 different people in a day so I can get the timing and wording just right.