I never thought I would say this, but it turns out our Kinetics theme was too liberal for Boulder. After considering a handful of options, we decided to be “Official Government Surveillance Mascots” since the whole unauthorized wiretapping is such a hot topic these days. So we decorated the craft and constructed some appropriate costumes. We also had to come up with a three minute skit to perform during the parade. I thought it was really funny and would have played well in Boulder, but we got booed off the stage after getting about one quarter of the way through.

Omar: Hello, I’m TAPPY!

Katherine: And I’m TIPPY!

Omar: And we may or may not have been created as marketing tool from an unnamed government surveillance organization.

Katherine: It seems that a lot of people are upset because the government is trying to find all the terrorists. We are here to set the record straight about stuff like this. Are there any concerned citizens here that have any questions for us? How about you? (points to Cindy)

Cindy: My friends tell me that government surveillance is bad.

Omar: Your friends are just plain wrong. We just want to make sure everyone stays away from danger.

Katherine: Is it wrong for a mother to limit the amount of lead based paint her children drink every day?

Cindy: Umm, I guess not, but didn’t President Bush violate the 1978 FISA bill when he authorized the NSA to eavesdrop on US citizens without a warrant?

Katherine: Of course he didn’t do anything wrong. If the president did something wrong he would tell us—that’s how great of a guy he is.

Omar: He just decided that when Congress passed the Patriot Act it gave him the right to do whatever he wants—including not telling congress what he has been up to.

Cindy: So is the government watching me? I’m not doing anything illegal.

Omar: Of course we are watching you. Since we can’t separate the good guys and the bad guys, we have to listen to everything so we can sort things out. It is just like dredging an entire lake to find all the dead hookers at the bottom. What’s wrong with that?

Cindy: Nothing, I suppose, but doesn’t that mean we are losing our civil liberties?

Katherine: Only the people who are breaking the law should be worried. We just want to find the bad guys—like Osama Bin Laden’s social planner or that old lady with cancer who grows her own marijuana plants instead.

Cindy: She is a terrorist? I thought she was doing that to ease the constant pain that prescription drugs couldn’t help.

Omar: Just because someone had a perfectly good reason to break the law doesn’t mean they shouldn’t be locked up in jail.

Cindy: So can you give me an example of some terrorist that have been caught through this program?

Katherine: Of course not. That would just assist the terrorists.

Cindy: What about these secret government operations recently disclosed at AT&T switching rooms across the country? What are those for?

Omar: We have a trouble maker in section 5. Roger that.

Then Scott, wearing a trench coat and sunglasses comes over and carries Cindy off the stage.

My neighbors waved pleasantly at me as they drove past my garage today. I expected a few odd looks considering the fact that I spent the better part of the afternoon physically assaulting an old thrift store bicycle with a hacksaw, power drill, and various other hand-held tools. Also worth noting: nobody bothered to stop and ask me what I was doing. Maybe they didn’t see the mass of tools, partially dismantled bicycle components, and various building supplies that has engulfed more than half my garage. Or they really had to pee and didn’t have time to inquire about my situation. Perhaps they are robots. I may never know the truth. But I do know this—my name is Omar and I’m building a craft for this year’s Kinetics Race.

If you have gotten this far and are asking, “What is a Kinetics Race?” you are not alone. Despite the enormous popularity of the event in the Boulder, Colorado area, the contest is not widely understood on a national level as it has yet to be broadcast, to the best of my knowledge, on any of the 17 current ESPN channels. If you have gotten this far and are asking, “What kind of robots are your neighbors? Are they like Commander Data from Star Trek, or cute but kind of creepy like the robot girl in the 80’s situation comedy Small Wonder?” Well, I hate to disappoint, but the rest of this story is not about my robot neighbors. Maybe later in the year I’ll address that issue in more detail.

So where was I? Oh, yeah, the Kinetics Race—what exactly is it, anyways? In its simplest form, its most convenient definition, the race requires teams to build a human powered vehicle than can traverse a course of land, water, and mud in the immediate vicinity of the Boulder Reservoir. Staying on top of the water—that a good start. Not getting bogged down in the mud—even better. Finishing the course as fast as possible—well, that’s half the race. Completing the race dressed up as, say, a medieval wizard riding on a purple, fire breathing dragon, now that’s doing it in STYLE.

So what’s the best way of acquiring a Kinetics vehicle? Walmart doesn’t have any in stock, and you can’t purchase a used one on EBay. The best approach is to actually go to the race as a spectator and see what everyone else is racing. The vehicles can be a small single person craft or a massive eight person monstrosity. Some start with a bicycle and make it buoyant. Others are boats modified to go over the land. And every year the Army reserve comes by with 8 soldiers and a raft—when they get to the land they each grab a handle and run with it. Not very elegant from a design standpoint, but it seems to impress the female natives.

After several years of being a spectator for the great race, I’ve finally decided to take the plunge (hopefully not literally) and move into the ranks of the competitors. I decided I was going to start with a bicycle frame and make it float. I looked around at several thrift stores for used bicycles. While I found several that were in fair shape for around $30, I decided to splurge and buy a new mountain bike at Walmart for $54. After realizing I was going to need a extra chain and a few gears, I bought another bike in far-from-new condition at the local thrift store for $16. So the running total for parts is $70, and I have the land and mud section completely resolved.

Now I just have to make the bike float. That, and actually move across the water. This shouldn’t be too difficult considering I have a limited supply of and the fact that my last nautical experience involved getting my sailing merit badge at Boy Scout camp when I was fourteen. But hey, a lot of people have done it in the past, so I believe it to be within the realm of possibility. Sure, a lot of people have gone into outer space, but that is something totally different.

To keep from getting overwhelmed on this project, I’ve split it up into three sub-projects. The first part, which should be the easiest, involves keeping the front end from sinking and also provides steering in the water. The second part involves keeping the back end from sinking and also provides propulsion. The last part is coming up with a good theme, which I’m putting on the back burner until I’ve finished the first two parts. I really believe I’m off to a good start. So until next time– when the topic will be, as you have probably guessed by now, “Tape and Other Adhesives: How They Can Be Used in Kinetics.”