Fun And Games March 1, 2001
While most people think of me as a mere computer geek, the truth is that my obsession with the less popular aspects of general amusement span the entire technological spectrum. I can entertain myself for indefinite amounts of time with the time honored tradition of poking at things with a stick. At the other extreme, […]
Making A Difference December 12, 2002
Republican Senator Trent Lott apologized once again for a recent comment made regarding Strom Thurmond’s 1948 presidential campaign based on a segregationist platform. Meanwhile, democrats have officially adopted an “anti-dixiecrat Lott-bashing” platform for the 2004 elections.
In Business News June 28, 2002
Xerox recently admitted to overstating revenue by 1.9 billion over the past 5 years. Attempts to destroy potentially damaging information proved unsuccessful when the copier, instead of mangling documents beyond recognition, produced clean and easy-to-read duplicates.
If I Could Turn Back Time June 30, 2003
Hundreds of mourners passed through South Carolina’s Statehouse to pay their final respects to Strom Thurmond. Many people brought flowers and other items to leave by the coffin in a make-shift memorial. Trent Lott put all his future political ambitions down and quickly left the building.
Heading Out To San Francisco January 8, 2003
NOTE TO SELF: Come up with a witty and insightful “Rice-a-roni” joke to end the paragraph
1996 Christmas Letter December 25, 1996
The earth and the sun have once again completed another round of their cosmic tag team, no holds barred wrestling match which means it is time for the second annual publication of my Christmas letter. My goal for this year is to have at least three people (including myself) read this letter. I am sure […]
The War On Terror June 10, 2002
The once popular free music swapping service Napster declared bankruptcy this week. After hearing the news, officials at the Drug Enforcement Agency decided to indefinitely postpone their upcoming “Napster: The Gateway To Substance Abuse” television ad campaign.
Men And Women April 12, 2001
The odds of throwing out your back while putting dirty clothes into the hamper are quite small.
In Box Office News September 12, 2002
The low-budget, independently produced film, “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” reached the number one spot for box office revenue this week. After being released in April, the feel-good romantic comedy steadily climbed the charts– beating out several movies featuring high-profile actors and state-of-the-art special effects. Taking note of the unexpected success, Hollywood recently green-lighted a […]
Tesla News September 16, 2017
When asked how he balances work and family life, SpaceX founder Elon Musk explained how he makes an effort to find common ground. “For example, I spent the last forth of July with my children and we all put our heads together and came up with a system for reusable fireworks.”
Horror Story September 25, 2003
In a recent Los Angeles Times interview, Stephen King announced he would soon be “done with writing.” While many fans will miss King’s unique horror-genre novels, television executives have calmed a nervous public by confirming a steady stream of crappy made-for-T.V. movies will be released through the 2023 television season.
How Qwest Annoys Me January 24, 2002
I believe that the phone company has better things to do than to keep calling me and asking me to upgrade my phone service.
12862, 11561, 67, 2465, 762, -178, 938, 1292 June 19, 2009
each number represented an important milestone in our lives– measured in days
Dancing With The Stars May 22, 2009
In the soon to be released “Terminator Salvation” the machines hypnotize people with their smooth steps and jazz hands– humanity never saw it coming.
Error Codes September 25, 2011
Wow, I was just looking back at my latest posts, and I realized that I haven’t posted any real updates about my personal life in a very long time. So here goes. We recently added a +1 to our family: Samatha Rose Lutfey. So now we have a total of one husband, one wife, two […]
The Profiler March 10, 2009
All I want is a beautiful elven princess who possesses eternal beauty, courage, passion, and kindness but is willing to give it all up for a stuck up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder
Mile High Club April 9, 2004
In the wake of record-high crude oil prices, one national newspaper reporter asked the President what can be done to conserve this limited resource. The Commander-in-Chief replied, “We all must do our part to conserve fuel. I, for example, have retracted my open invitation for Rush Limbaugh to travel with me on Air Force One.”
Aw, Snap! January 7, 2014
After reportedly turning down a three billion dollar buyout offer from Facebook for their service that sends messages which disappear seconds after being read, the leaders of Snapchat are facing new issues after hackers exploited a weakness in the software that allowed them to download the usernames and phone numbers of 4.6 million users. When […]
Ghost Protocol November 10, 2013
Snapchat, the high-tech start up that lets users transmit text messages and images that disappear a few seconds after being sent, has recently turned down a $3 billion dollar offer from Facebook. When asked for a comment on the situation a high ranking yet unnamed official at the company replied, “We believe that there is […]
New Ad Campaign January 4, 2011
Village Inn suggests you change your schedule: Sunday: Shut your pie hole Monday: Shut your pie hole Tuesday: Shut your pie hole Wednesday: Open your pie hole! Thursday: Shut your pie hole Friday: Shut your pie hole Saturday: Shut your pie hole
How Computers Work Part 6 September 23, 2001
The packaging of the product in stores proclaimed the game of Pong to be, “Virtual reality fourth dimension alien space tennis with real lasers.”
Step One: Find A Partner February 6, 2010
a majority of Americans prefer to emulate their favorite masked Mexican wrestling superstars during sex.
Get Some Glass App May 7, 2013
I highly recommend this for anyone looking to meet someone new when everyone else you know describes you as hopelessly boring, lacking any knowledge of current events, and/or obsessed with changes made to the 1997 re-release of “Star Wars: A New Hope.”
Six Months In Amsterdam July 1, 1999
Now that I think about it, the title sounds like a good title for a song. It would be kind of like “One Night in Bankock” but with less of a techno beat and more references to sex and drugs. In case you didn’t already know, I spent the first half of 1999 living and […]
Another book idea December 19, 1950
Joseph BlackNina’s Captain logOctober 12, 1492 In the course of fifteen minutes Michael incinerated all but one of my ships, killed half my crew, and effortlessly detained the survivors on shore. What really shakes me up, however, is that after talking to this strange man over the course of that first evening I held no […]
Annoying Kristin June 5, 2002
She likes Buffy in much the same way I enjoy, say, breathing.
2018 Christmas Letter December 25, 2018
Doggie heaven is great– the toys are the best and everyone loves it when you fart.
Escape To New York May 25, 2009
Nothing promotes tourism more than locking the bathrooms when people might be interested in using them.
Keeping A Stiff Upper Lip February 13, 2003
Massachusetts Senator and potential President candidate John Kerry recently underwent surgery at John Hopkins Hospital to remove a cancerous prostate. One of the doctors involved provided an assessment of the situation. “The cancer was caught in an early stage, but the procedure is not without risk. The slightest mistake could leave the Senator as impotent […]
Santa Fe June 6, 2014
Here are some interesting and possibly true and/or false facts about this city.
Wind Of Change March 16, 2014
So as of this Saturday I’ve officially been a full time package driver at United Parcel Service for 10 years. Only another 10 or 20 years left until I can retire and start drawing my pension. Too bad I didn’t start at UPS earlier. Also, I’ve come to the realization that I only have 12 […]
Traffic Jams January 4, 2002
Hello! How was I supposed to know a truck was going to tip over on I-25? Do I look like Miss Cleo?
The Real World: The Next Generation July 3, 2005
This is the true story of seven strangers, picked to live on a starship and have their lives holographically recorded, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL. The Real World: The Next Generation!
How Computers Work Part 8 May 22, 2002
One theory on how computers work involves groups of small gnomes that run around inside the case using enchanted spells to obey the will of the users.
Hertz So Good June 2, 2013
Notice to all Hertz rental offices in Northern California: After a complete analysis of our operation over the past decade, we have found a disturbing trend that has accounted for a disproportionate amount of revenue loss in the Northern California division. It appears that one organization has been responsible for a vast majority of our damage claims. […]
How Computers Work Part 4 August 17, 2001
Eniac comes from an old Czechoslovakian phrase that roughly translates to “factory workers with steel shells who attempt to enslave humanity.”
You Know You Are An Insomniac If October 30, 2001
Just to set the record straight, calculators have the 1,2,3 row on the bottom row while telephones put it on the top row.
The Silver Screams September 24, 2003
Welcome to the first debate for the 2004 Presidential Election here on the Fox News Network. We have with us, from the Republican side, current President George “Dubya” Bush. Representing the Democrats tonight is Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman. In order to give the American people more of what we think they want, the theme of […]
How Computers Work Part 1 June 19, 2001
While not the most powerful of computers, fingers are still the most widely used computational machine in the world today.
Election Coverage September 18, 2002
After a close election in the Democratic nomination for governor of Florida, former Clinton administration attorney general Janet Reno conceded defeat to Tampa lawyer and first-time candidate Bill McBride. While generally cordial, she ended her concession speech by saying, “Sure, Mr. McBride seems like a nice enough guy, but when push comes to shove does […]
2021 Christmas Letter December 25, 2021
You! Yes YOU! The one reading this letter– somehow I can communicate with you while you are reading this. You can write your very own Christmas letter! No permits, licensing deals, or shady backroom arrangements required.
In Political News August 15, 2002
Speaking at the foot of Mount Rushmore, President Bush took time out of his four-week working vacation to criticize congress on the issue of Homeland Security. “The Democrats in the Senate are intentionally limiting… [LOOKS AT TV MONITOR] Whoa, hey, look at this– my head is the same size as those up on the side […]
Messed With Texas October 23, 2009
A 72 year old woman who was tasered during a routine traffic stop has received a $40,000 settlement from a Texas county. In response to this and several other high-profile incidents, the maker of Taser stun guns has created several recommendations on taser gun use, including instructing officers to avoid hitting suspects in the chest […]
Strange Bedfellows March 2, 2011
When asked about his potential Presidential campaign in 2012, Newt Gingrich replied, “This type of campaign requires a tremendous amount of planning. For example, I have barely even begun to consider who will be my wife this time around.”
Me– Being Productive? November 7, 2001
I also engage in a vast array of interesting—if somewhat more mainstream—activities. Just the other day, for example, I ran my dishwasher.
Inexpensive Solar Collector September 17, 2009
Back in the day you could ask AOL for as many CDs as you wanted, but I’m not sure that would fly today.
Problems On The Hill March 8, 2001
The unusually cold winter this season has given Boulder a few months of calm from the recurring problem of wildly inappropriate behavior up on the Hill. As a mix of retail, housing, and Greek organizations, the area west of the CU Boulder campus known as the Hill has become a real black eye for both […]
Annoying Sleeping Habits February 1, 2002
NOTE TO SELF: eat two more chocolate eclairs before bed to fulfill the recommended daily allowance of vanilla goo
Internet Cafe September 18, 2002
You see fellows, you are in the Internet Bar. In here all the rules of talking to people through Instant Messenger apply.
Chronic Pain August 20, 2003
Hundreds of people in England are being recruited to take Cannabis after operations. In the clinical study, 400 patients will test a Cannabis-based prototype produced by GW Pharmaceuticals to determine the drug’s effectiveness in reducing post-operative pain. The announcement of this study sent the companies stock up 7.5 percent to a two-month high. The stock […]