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The Real World: The Next Generation

July 3, 2005

Commander Data and Captain Jean-Luc Picard are sitting in the Enterprise ready room.

Commander Data comments, “I find this mission to be highly illogical, Captain.”

Captain Picard replies, “Yes, I know, but we have no choice but to go through with the alliance.”

“But the Enterprise has fought off many worthy adversaries—why should we give up without even firing a single photon torpedo?”

“Listen Mr. Data, we survived numerous adventures over the years, but trust me, this time resistance IS futile. Let’s just get it over with and move on.”

Picard and Data walk out of the ready room on to the main bridge of the Enterprise. The room is empty except for two men poised with cameras. Picard walks over to a waiting camera man, briefly pauses, and starts reading from a script. “This is the true story of seven strangers, picked to live on a starship and have their lives holographically recorded, and find out what happens when people stop being polite and start getting REAL. The Real World: The Next Generation!”

Picard gestures at the turbolift and continues, “And now let’s welcome the seven young strangers who will be running the Enterprise on her next mission.”

Four girls and three guys in their early twenties sheepishly walk out of the turbolift and on to the bridge. After brief introductions with Captain Picard and Commander Data, the Captain explains the mission. “With the assistance of Commander Data and myself, the seven of you will be in charge of…” The captain rolls his eyes and quietly sighs to himself. “…delivering a shipment of Ramulan ale to the resort planet Risa. While this may not be the most dangerous mission ever attempted, you will have to learn about ship navigation, interstellar communications, and of course… “

“Hey everyone, I just found a ****load of Ramulan ale in the cargo hold,” one of the seven strangers who apparently snuck off during the introductions yelled as he burst out of the turbo lift, “and someone loaded thrity-seven different erotic hot tub programs on to the holodeck’s computer! Let’s get it on!”

The seven strangers start celebrating and giving each other high fives as they head towards the holodeck—completely forgetting about the Captain and their new mission.

The next scene shows the seven strangers getting drunk in the hot tub. Picard and Data are sitting in the tub still in their complete uniforms looking awkward and uncomfortable.

“Dude, I am sooooo wasted on this Ramulan ale… what all is in it?” One of the seven asked.

Sandy and Jill started a conversation. “So if you could do anyone here, who would it be?”

“Honestly?” Jill asked.

Sandy replied, “Yeah.”

“It may just be that I’m really drunk right now,” Jill confessed, “But I think it would be that robot guy.”

Commander Data, hearing his name, cocked his head slightly and addressed the girl’s comment. “I am fully functional, programmed in multiple techniques.”

“Data!” Picard snapped, “We need to get things moving here. We must to get to Risa as fast as possible so we can move on to our next REAL mission—delivering badly needed medical supplies to Barrius 3.”

One of the other women in the hot tub piped up. “It may be because my grandfather did bad, bad things to me when I was young, but that bald English guy is looking pretty good to me right about now if I could just convince him to spank me for not cleaning up my room perfectly. Is that a bad thing?”

The Captain got shivers just thinking how many things were wrong with the entire situation. Picard yelled out, “Enough is enough. Computer—end holodeck program and seal off the cargo hold to everyone but myself and Commander Data. The rest of you will get into a regulation Star Fleet uniform and report the main bridge in ten minutes.”

Captain Picard starting walking briskly out of the holodeck. “Commander, you are with me.” He ordered. Data looked over at Jill, made a telephone gesture with his thumb and pinky and silently mouthed the words “fully functional” before following the Captain to the bridge.

Eventually, everyone finds their way into uniforms and to the main bridge. The Captain starts explaining how to operate various functions on the ship. “Everything can be accessed through voice commands to the computer.” The Captain explained. “For example: computer—plot a course to Risa.”

The computer responded, “Course laid out. At warp eight we will arrive at Risa in three hours.”

Steve, the one who first located the Ramulan ale, piped up, “Hey computer—you sound pretty hot. What do you look like in a bikini?”

The computer responded, “Please restate the command.”

Captain Picard smacked Steve on the top of his head. “This is not a game! Look, all you guys have to do is tell the computer to engage on the course to Risa and we will be on our way. Do you think we could get that done sometime today?”

Jill looked around and asked the Captain, “So which one of us gets to say ‘engage’?”

“What? It doesn’t matter. Someone says it and the ship starts moving.” The Captain explained.

“I think we need to have a ship-wide meeting to decide.” Steve said.

“I give up! Commander Data—you are in charge. If they can’t decide who gets to say ‘engage’ in the next ten minutes Data will say it. I’ll be in my quarters reading Great Expectations until we get to Risa.” The Captain ordered as he walked towards the turbolift.

Three hours later Picard and Data are waving goodbye to the seven Real World members on the planet of Risa displayed on the main screen on the bridge.

“Captain,” Data started, “I found this mission provided me with a unique insight into the human condition.”

“What are you talking about Data?” the Captain asked, “This was nothing more than seven spoiled kids allowed to run around the ship for the entertainment of the holoprojector audience. What is insightful about that?”

“After you retired to you quarters,” Data explained, “with the aid of my newly installed emotion chip, Jill demonstrated several ways to make me even more fully functional, if you know what I mean.”

Not sure how to respond to Data’s last comment, the captain replied, “Plot a course to Barrius 3, warp 9, Commander.”

“Course plotted,” Data replied. “Captain, can I ask you a question?”

“What is it Data?”

“Can I say ‘engage’ this time?” Data asked.

“Sure Data.” The Captain said, with a hint of resignation in his voice.

“Engage.”
Easter Time

April 20, 2001

The time has come once again to talk about my favorite social event which, on occasion, is celebrated in April. I’m not talking about the World Wrestling Federation coming to town, the Denver Nuggets announcing a trade of their best players in exchange for a handful of magical beans, or the Internal Revenue Service deciding to audit everyone who wrote nasty comments on their checks to pay income taxes. The event of which I speak is Easter.

To be honest, when I started writing this, I was a little bit fuzzy about the actual date of this holiday. After doing a little research on the World Wide Web, I discovered more often than not Easter falls on a Sunday. While that might be enough information for the casual Easter enthusiast, I like to go the extra mile for all the hard core Easter fanatics reading this story. After giving my research assistant the chore of waiting in line so I could eat some fresh Krispy Kreme doughnuts, I discovered Easter is observed on the first Sunday after the last XFL playoff game before the Denver Nuggets have been statistically eliminated from the playoffs.

To be completely accurate, that formula only approximates the exact date of Easter. The actual equation involves the seventy-two characters representing the true name of God, several artifacts from the Ark of the Covenant (as seen in the first “Indiana Jones” motion picture), and the combination of Bill Gates luggage. Several universities in the world offer graduate degrees in creating computer models for the occurrence of Easter. The National Security Administration is said to have its own set of satellites devoted entirely to future Easter prediction.

I’ve been getting a lot of fan mail asking how I celebrate mainstream Christian holidays. To be honest, I don’t actually get fan mail quite yet, but I believe this is a plot by “The Man” who, despite the fact that I am a white male, is trying to keep me down by removing any mail from my box that might improve my self esteem. Supposing that I was getting my fan mail, I would respond to all the loyal readers out there by saying that to me Easter is about getting up early in the morning, putting on a shirt with buttons all the way up the front and pants that have a crease in them, and eating a lot of candy all day long. If you replace the word “morning” to “afternoon” and change the clothes to “gray sweats with multiple salsa stains on the tummy”, it sounds like any other day.

The highlight of my Easter was the traditional Easter egg hunt. A lot of people think that at twenty-seven years of age I am a little too old to be participating in an activity designed for small children. I say that is exactly why I should be in it. Being two feet taller and a hundred pounds heavier than the competition can be quite an advantage. The biggest problem is that some of them are considerably faster than me. To compensate for this advantage, I bitch slapped a few of them right before the race began to establish myself as the alpha male for the rest of the day. For the kids too young to understand the ramifications of gratuitous violence I sat each one of them down on my knee and carefully explained that if you take eggs from the Easter Bunny he will follow you home, steal all your favorite toys, and chew on your eyeballs when you fall asleep.

Needless to say, my Easter basket was quite full of colored eggs when I went home that evening. This got me thinking about what kind of lessons we are teaching to kids today. When I was growing up, I would hear my parents tell me on a regular basis not to play with my food. Then some random Sunday comes along in the middle of the spring and not only do we color the eggs, but then we go outside, hide the eggs, search for them, and finally watch what happens as we bet our younger brother Donnie that he couldn’t shove three hard boiled eggs in his mouth at the same time.

Along the same lines, I am not sure what goes on in children’s minds when we give them bunny shaped chocolate and teach them to slowly torture the animal by biting off the ears. As if hunting down all the bunny’s eggs in the form of social entertainment wasn’t torture enough for the poor animal. I think it’s fair to place at least some of our society’s ills on the contradictory signals that we are sending children on this holiday.

The bottom line is that Easter is a very complex holiday that covers many of the fundamental ideas that form the foundation of our society. Fortunately, we have boiled it down to the essentials of getting together and eating candy until everyone is too sick to move. It’s just easier that way.

Action Figure!

April 21, 2025

Everyone and their dog is making themselves into action figures on the Internet this week, so I thought I would give it a go! Full disclosure– I used ChatGPT and this isn’t even my dog!

Here is the starting photograph of me and said dog on Halloween:

And the prompt I used for ChatGPT was:

Use this image to create a picture of a action figure toy  in a blister package from head to toe with accessories which include a two gallon red and white round water cooler with a white handle, a container of sunscreen, and a pair of sunglasses.  The package should read "UPS Driver" and below that "summer edition" The background should be three shades of brown in an abstract swirling pattern.

2012 Christmas Letter

December 25, 2012

The days are getting shorter, the kiddos are getting taller, and I finally found a few minutes to stop all of my other important business to get around to writing my Christmas Letter for the year.

Speaking of the days getting shorter, one of my new ideas is to get the whole country to stay on daylight savings time all year round. Being a package car driver at United Parcel Service I start driving at 8:30 in the morning. In the winter time during standard time the sun starts to rise around 7:30 and sets at 4:30. During the busy Christmas season this means I deliver packages for several hours in the dark. If we stayed on daylight savings time, I would be able to start working right when it gets light and be out in the dark an hour less each night. So I’m starting a word of mouth campaign to get this changed. If that doesn’t work out I’m going to try and get transferred to a UPS center in Australia where they get the benefit of having their longest days of the year coincide with their busy holiday shopping season. I’m not sure what my wife and kids would think of that, but now that I think of it Isabel has a severe Vegemite allergy and Samantha has an unexplained fear of marsupials. And Katherine’s Australian accent is just horrible.

If I was going to describe my two children in just one word, it would be “growing.” But I don’t see the point in being so terse, so I will elaborate. Isabel is turning three years old two days before Christmas. Fortunately she isn’t quite old enough to realize the negative consequences of having her birthday so close to Christmas. Read my 2016 Christmas Letter for more information on that topic. Also, any potential parents should take this into consideration when getting busy in February. Some of Isabel’s favorite activities are quite typical for a girl her age and include suddenly laying down in the middle of the aisle at Walmart for no apparent reason, insisting on playing on all the playground equipment within sight, and asking why the car is stopped at every red light.

Samantha is 17 months behind her sister and is just chugging right along. Her favorite activities include going around on the Sit and Spin until I get dizzy just watching her. Then she goes the other direction to unwind. Then, usually, she falls over sideways and starts laughing. Her second favorite activity is waiting until we aren’t watching her for more than five seconds, walking into the kitchen, quietly opening up the dishwasher, and sitting on the front edge of the dishwasher door. I’ve never designed a dishwasher, but I’m pretty sure they aren’t designed for those types of weight distributions. Check my 2013 Christmas letter to see if it includes any kitchen appliance repair. She also has taken a liking to anything her older sister is doing at the moment.

This summer the whole family competed in the annual kinetics race in Longmont. We were called “The Busy Bees” and I was the queen bee. Just about everyone at the race was both mildly intrigued and slightly disturbed by my outfit that included a tiara, yellow wig, black lipstick, a tight yellow tank top, black bra, a black and yellow tutu, black fishnet stockings, and black boots with yellow laces. My wife and kids’ outfits were more gender appropriate and received much more positive feedback.

Once the race started my craft went about ten feet into the water at which point something happened that could best be described as “sudden massive critical widespread structural failures.” So despite our great costumes our team came in, rounded to the nearest integer, last place. Some people may view this as a failure, but I had a great time. And the crowd loves seeing someone crash and burn more than the same teams that have great crafts that finish in first place year after year. Anyone who has spent their childhood playing countless hours of the board game “Risk” knows what I’m talking about. If everyone plays conservatively and just builds up their armies the game isn’t going to be any fun and the game is going to last for eleven hours instead of the usual five. I’m the one who commits all of his forces to invading Russia on my third turn. I know it isn’t the best strategy for winning the game. Sure, that short bald guy from “The Princess Bride” will be best known for saying, “Ha ha! You fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders – The most famous of which is ‘never get involved in a land war in Asia’”, but in the case of Kinetics having the most radical and untested device makes for the most entertaining race.

So I had a few extra minutes to contemplate the meaning of life the other day when I was taking a break at work. The weather was pleasant and I had a picturesque view of the Rocky Mountains while I sat in the driver’s seat and ate my lunch. I came to the conclusion that everything we do, in some way or other, serves two goals of humanity. The first is to use supercomputers to completely understand how we are built to reverse engineer every species on the planet and use this information to make new things like women who can fly like birds and men who can lick their parts like a dog. The second is to take all the molecules on the planet and rearrange them into a completely self contained spaceship to depart the vicinity before the sun runs out of fuel, collapses on itself, and explodes into half the size of the solar system. Please refer to my 2074 Christmas Letter to see if the first goal has been realized. Once we find a cure for cancer we will be halfway there. I suspect the second goal might be considered more “long term” given the estimate that we have a few billion years before that whole “sun” thing becomes a pressing issue. I hope this document will be around long enough so that scholars in the future can look through all the historical documents and say, “boy, that Omar guy really knew how things were going to play out.”

So that about finishes things up around here. I’ve made it through another year, which was one of my goals. My goal of creating a tuba/baritone/trumpet comedy street performing troupe has been put on hold and my “Latin for Dummies” book has collected another year’s worth of dust. And maybe next year I’ll get around to purchasing the newly released Lego “Firefly/Serenity” set before uptight conservative groups get it pulled from the shelves just because one of the characters is a licensed companion (future speak for “prostitute”). But don’t forget to refer to my 2013 Christmas Letter for documentation of my near future accomplishments. I’ll end things here with one of many great lines from the movie “Serenity.”

Inara Serra: Mal, what are you doing here?
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: You invited me.
Inara Serra: I never thought for a second you’d be stupid enough to come!
Capt. Malcolm Reynolds: Well that makes you a tease.
2013 Christmas Letter

December 25, 2013

So I was driving down the street in my UPS truck one afternoon in November when a man in a large red truck flew by me, slammed on his brakes, and stopped his craft diagonally in the middle of the street. Before I even had time to stop my vehicle he jumped out into the roadway and started running towards me. He was surprisingly fast considering his hefty girth, red furry outfit, and rather excessive quantities of facial hair. Once he arrived at my passenger side door he looked at me with an odd sense of clarity and focus and yelled, “Omar– it is me, Santa Claus, and I need you to save Christmas!”

“What can I do to save Christmas?” I asked Mr. Kringle.

“This is a little bit embarrassing,” Santa explained, “but I was online the other night and apparently I downloaded a virus on my business computer. It scoured my files for personal information and found the title to my magic Christmas sleigh. I don’t understand all the details, but before I even knew what happened someone had dispatched a specially equipped tow truck to the North Pole to take possession of my most important piece of Christmas equipment. The driver sympathized with my situation but insisted there was nothing he could do since all the paperwork was all in order.”

“That’s not good.” I replied as I realized how stupid and obvious that sounded three seconds after the words left my mouth.

Santa looked at me like that was the most stupid and obvious statement that I could have possibly made at that point in time. Then he took a deep breath and explained how I can help him remedy the situation.

“I went to the North Pole legal department and they did a complete investigation. It turns out that my sled is being stored in a holding facility. If I can’t come up with the payment in the next thirty days the vehicle will be legally transferred to the Russian mob.

“But how can I help? I’m just a UPS driver.” I explained. “How much money do you need to get your sleigh back?”

“That’s the problem Omar. They don’t want money. The only way I can get it back is to give them THE GREATEST CHRISTMAS LETTER EVER WRITTEN! I looked online and I’m impressed with your archive of Christmas letters going all the way back to 1995. But you need to step up your game this year or the holidays will be ruined for the entire planet.

“I’ll get right on it.” I told Santa. “Just let me finish my deliveries, do all my pickups, drive the truck back to the center, unload my air and international packages, park my truck, turn in my paperwork, punch out, drive home, take a shower, eat dinner, play with my kids, and then I’ll get right on it.

While I was saying all of that, Santa had already walked most of the way back to his truck. He looked back at me as he climbed into the cab and yelled “I’m counting on you, Omar!”

Later that evening I sat down at my laptop ready to write the most important story ever with my usual writing aids that included a “party size” bag of Wavy Lays potato chips, a cold two liter bottle of Diet Pepsi, and three full boxes of Sweet Tarts. I fired up my “inspirational Pink Floyd” playlist and went to work. I wrote an amazing letter. It was concise yet detailed, funny yet touching, and inspirational yet not preachy. I was all ready to email it to Santa when a somewhat suspicious Russian mobster looked in my kitchen window. He picked up an unusual piece of electronic equipment. When he pressed a prominent red button on the top of the device all the electronic devices in my house stopped working. He chuckled softly, walked back to his unmarked van, and drove away. I was going to chase him, but I was busy injecting insulin into my body as this writing experience had apparently given me type one diabetes.

So this is not the greatest Christmas letter in the world– this is just a tribute.

In my world 2013 will be remembered most as “the year Omar got his own route at United Parcel Service.” I had spent the previous nine years as a swing driver doing other driver’s routes when they were on vacation or injured. While I enjoyed it for the most part, there are some definite benefits to having a set route. Here, in no particular order, are some of said benefits. Customers miss me when I’m on vacation. I can tape up photographs of my family on my visor. I don’t drive around looking for addresses. My truck is an automatic. So if you live or work in the area west of I-25, east of Timberline, south of Horsetooth, and north of Harmony in Fort Collins and you order a lot of shoes from the internet you should be expecting to see quite a bit of me in the future.

This year we decided to tackle remodeling our kitchen. We spent the previous weekend watching HGTV and Katherine and I both felt completely prepared for what lay ahead. After ripping out about half the old cabinetry we discovered that, wow, the makers of those television shows make things look way easier than they are in real life. We also discovered that the order of certain tasks can be very critical when installing a new kitchen. For example, putting in all the new cabinets before the counter tops arrive is generally a plus. Despite numerous setbacks of varying degrees of ickyness we now have a new kitchen which suits our needs much better than the last one. One more piece of advice for anyone considering this type of project– if you build a large island into your new kitchen it will, from the instant the counter tops are installed, act as a rare earth magnet for attracting random objects from the rest of the house. Either that or I’m getting up and moving everything on to the island in my sleep.

Finally, I thought I would end my letter with the most insightful comment from my Facebook page from the last year: The older you get, the harder it is to be a prime number.
25

November 6, 2002

The non-traditional action series “24” is back for another season on the Fox network. The first season documented a single twenty-four hour period of the main character’s life that included, among other things, foiling an assassination attempt on a presidential candidate. The first ten episodes of this season are focusing on Kiefer Sutherland enjoying a decent night’s sleep.
2022 Christmas Letter

December 25, 2022
Brown collar worker Omar Lutfey here with yet another end of the year summary of the wildly important and utterly trivial events of my life. I leave it up to you, the reader, to determine which is which.

In January it was decided that the kids were old enough and Grandma was young enough to hang out with each other for a week while Katherine and I took our first vacation with just the two of us since before our children existed. We jumped on an airplane that took us to Quito, Ecuador in an adventure I’m calling “South of the Equator Shenanigans.”

Naturally this type of trip involved an above average number of activities which would be thought of as “heavy breathing.” Walking around, for example, seemed to require twice as much air as in Loveland, Colorado. It turns out the elevation of Quito is almost double that of our home town. We rode a gondola up to triple our usual height above sea level where keeping our heads upright became a surprisingly strenuous activity. Even then we weren’t at the very top– we wisely declined to hike to the summit at 15,696 feet. Numerous people over the years have reached the end of the trail only to have all of the atoms of their body spontaneously disperse into the upper stratosphere.

Oxygen levels aside, life in Quito is quite different than what I’ve grown to expect. Posted hours for when restaurants are going to be open are more of a suggestion than a strict guideline. Think of it more as “if we are going to be open at all, it will be quite likely between these hours.” We saw the place right next to our hotel open once during the week despite walking by a dozen times during the week when they “should” have been open according to their sign.

Negotiating with cab drivers was another new skill we acquired in Ecuador. Interviewing someone who wants to drive you somewhere is an essential activity. Here are just a few of the questions we often asked.
- “How much to drive us to our hotel?”
- “Will that vehicle actually get us to our destination?”
- “Are you really a cab driver?”
Due to the extreme elevation range and close proximity to the equator, the area can easily grow literally every type of plant that currently exists on Earth. The Supermaxi sold 14 different types of potatoes and I suspect we could have found twice as many at the local food market. While at the local grocery store I saw several types of fruits and vegetables that up until that point I thought were works of fiction including Audrey II from “The Little Shop of Horrors.”

Are there any down sides to Quito? Sure. Cram 2 million people into a few square miles and the result is going to be a dirty noisy affair. While I personally felt safe walking around during the day, the building code requires all structures to be protected by at least three of the following security measures: A six foot tall concrete wall (shards of broken glass at the top is optional), metal fences with pointy tops, electric wires, and barbed wire. I suspect attempts at incorporating any of these into our current home would meet significant opposition from our homeowners association.

In game night news, we continued a longstanding tradition of altering board game rules for our own amusement. Some of the more common unwritten rules of Monopoly include putting fees paid into the center for the next player who lands on free parking, players collecting $400 for landing exactly on “Go”, and dad frequently “forgetting” to collect rent from mom. On game night we created a new Monopoly house rule where in order to collect rent for the first time you have to provide a detailed description of the properties amenities.

Mediterranean Avenue: Due to the fact that rent is only $2 a night we are unable to provide clean sheets for each guest. In fact there is no bed, but rather you can sleep in the broken lazy boy in the lobby. If said chair is occupied guests may choose to sleep in front of the establishment under the tattered awning. Children twelve and under are welcome to countless hours of fun with our complimentary “Bag Of Rats.”

Chez Chaz: Formerly known as Saint Charles Place, Chez Chaz offers the best fusion of French-Irish culture since Christopher Lambert played an immortal Irish alien in the 1986 box office blockbuster “Highlander.” Just try finding two other words that end in Z and don’t rhyme. Our free breakfast bar consists solely of our patented “pieces of yogurt” which, in all honesty, is most likely a major health code violation.

Illinois Ave: We offer our guests a state of the art breakfast bar claw game. Test your hand/eye coordination as you maneuver frozen waffles, greasy bacon, and steaming hot bowls of oatmeal with the mechanical claw. The first round is of course complementary, and any additional attempts are quite reasonably priced at $1 each. Good luck!

It turns out the title “2022 Christmas Letter” doesn’t really catch the glowing-eye orbs of the Internet search engine attention-bots. I firmly believe “YOU WILL NEVER BELIEVE WHICH MEMBER OF MY FAMILY WAS PLACED IN AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE!” along with a thumbnail image of me slapping my cheeks “Home Alone” style next to a pixelated light brown blob will exponentially increase my “influencer” status. [Spoiler alert– it was our dog Mya]

Alert readers of my past letters will be thinking, “I thought you only had one dog. Who did Mya marry?” [Spoiler alert– it was our new dog Buddy.] OK, so this doesn’t degrade into a running-backwards-in-time situation comedy episode I’ll start at the beginning of the story. Back in the spring one of my inlaw’s neighbors was working on “getting her affairs in order” by writing a will. As a friendly gesture we agreed to take Buddy. A few weeks later she passed away and we were the new owners of a Basset Hound Beagle mix. Since then we have defined him to be a completely new breed of dog called a Bagel. After a few days the kids decided to marry the dogs in a simple yet dignified ceremony. We all sleep better knowing these two are no longer living in sin. Conversely, we all sleep worse because Buddy likes to bark at four in the morning for reasons that still remain a mystery to all of us.

After unlocking “Riding My Age In Miles On A Bike” last year I started looking for a slightly more ambitious exercise goal. Traveling 1000 miles on my bicycle seemed reasonable. I did the maths and I only needed to ride 2.7 miles each day. On a weekly basis this works out to less than two hours a week. I devised a simple plan I like to call “do two hours less of stupid things each week and get on a bike instead.” For example, when I started streaming movies such as “Highlander 2”, “Battlefield Earth”, and “Shakes The Clown” I would turn off the television and go for a ride. While it sounds complex and difficult to implement, by the end of the year I added a fourth digit to my odometer. When the dust settled I rode 1253 miles.

While I was getting dressed this weekend I came to the realization that everything I put on was purchased by my wife from Costco. For a brief moment I thought I was really, really uncool. Then I realized Katherine is awesome and Costco sells very, very comfortable clothes. Why did it take half my life to appreciate the benefits of pants with elasticated waistbands?

To wrap things up I’ve included a few completely out of context electronic messages I composed over the past 12 months:
- I don’t know how you’ve gotten this far in life without a monocle.
- When all is said and done I can’t stay mad at someone who dressed up as me for Halloween.
- It was one of those times I wished I was twenty years younger but somehow not twenty years stupider.
Come On Holmes

February 15, 2010

I watched “Holmes on Homes” on HGTV last night. Mike Holmes travels to people’s houses to repair shady contractor projects gone awry. Now he can finally quit his part time job working security detail for that Dexy’s Midnight Runners tribute band.
Boxer Delivery

April 4, 2009

I spent a few minutes playing with a customer’s dog this afternoon while he finished taping up a box. When the package was ready he asked if I wanted to wash my hands. I glanced down at my perpetually-dirty-whenever-I’m-at-work hands, smiled at the dog, and told the guy, “No thanks, but you may want to wash your dog.”
Thai Cheap

August 18, 2006

A project to provide $100 laptop computers to poor children around the world is about to take a step forward. Thaiwan’s Prime Minister Thaksin Shinawatra announced that “if this project is completed” it would reach all Thai elementary students. With the exception, of course, of the children who are too busy working in the $100 laptop sweatshops.
Mission Possible

January 6, 2015

So I’m sitting here in my home on a quiet Saturday morning before anyone else has woken up thinking about things I want to accomplish in my lifetime. Here are a few randomly selected items on my list:

Make a complete list of everything I want to accomplish in my lifetime (so I will know when to stop).
Find a polynomial time algorithm that solves the Travelling Salesman Problem.
Figure out how to rearrange the molecules of our planet into a vessel capable of safely transporting intelligent life out of the solar system before the sun explodes.
Get my daughters to clean their rooms before the sun explodes.

Obviously one of these problems is truly impossible.

So why do I even bother with a list like this in the first place? Or how about I set the bar a bit lower and make my list “stay alive”? The obvious answer is that I like puzzles.

Well, at least it is obvious to me. What makes a good puzzle anyway?
In Political News

August 15, 2002

Speaking at the foot of Mount Rushmore, President Bush took time out of his four-week working vacation to criticize congress on the issue of Homeland Security. “The Democrats in the Senate are intentionally limiting… [LOOKS AT TV MONITOR] Whoa, hey, look at this– my head is the same size as those up on the side of the mountain! [LOOKS UP AT MOUNTAIN] But my head is smaller, and they are made out of rocks! Get Cheney over here– he has to see this… I don’t care, get him out of the bunker. He has to see this.”
Stephen Colbert Title Sequence

November 10, 2012

“Mi-partison”, “My-partison”, and/or “Mypartison” are my submissions for the next word in Stephen Colbert’s “The Colbert Report.” I’m not sure exactly how to spell it since I just made up the word, but that is besides the point. For those who aren’t up on Comedy Central’s talk shows, every now and then a new phrase is put on the screen right as Colbert grabs the American flag and starts falling into the giant letter C. A few of my favorite past words have been: Smartyr, Freedominant, Uptrodden, WinLaden, Downtrickler, and Fundit.
What’s Up

July 14, 2002

Qantas Airlines recently announced John Travolta will be flying his completely restored Boeing 707 around the world as part of the airline’s thirteen city “Spirit of Friendship” tour. While Mr. Travolta expects to be at the controls for the majority of the 65,000 kilometer tour, security and safety concerns require Mr. Kotter keep the remaining sweat hogs out of trouble and away from the cockpit for the duration of the flight.
Strange Bedfellows

March 2, 2011

When asked about his potential Presidential campaign in 2012, Newt Gingrich replied, “This type of campaign requires a tremendous amount of planning. For example, I have barely even begun to consider who will be my wife this time around.”
Lax Security

January 22, 2012

Security screening in one major airport was completely closed today for the better part of an hour after experiencing another cupcake related incident. A senior administrator at the TSA explained. “While we feel that we have made every effort to explain our actions related to the ‘cupcake in a jar’ incident, we would also like to ask the general public not to bring a dozen cupcake jars through security– especially when their primary ingredient appeared to be chocolate flavored laxatives.”
In Business News

June 28, 2002

Xerox recently admitted to overstating revenue by 1.9 billion over the past 5 years. Attempts to destroy potentially damaging information proved unsuccessful when the copier, instead of mangling documents beyond recognition, produced clean and easy-to-read duplicates.
Entertainment Of The Future

March 16, 2001

I have to admit up front that I have never written a story while being held against my will at the Boulder County Police Headquarters. Usually I sit home at my desk and mold the random thoughts running around in my head into a somewhat coherent and for the most part correctly-spelled piece of literature. On this occasion I was not afforded the meager luxuries of my small one bedroom apartment, but rather I scribbled my thoughts on the back of some legal documents with a small pencil the guards overlooked during the customary pat-down process. I suppose the guards didn’t view me as a traditional “psycho killer” type during the check in process. Either that or their apathy won over. What ever the reason, it gives me a chance to explain how I got here in the first place.

It all started rather innocently enough. After a few hours of one of our favorite Saturday night activities, my friends and I were talking about how we could improve the already wildly entertaining game of Laser Tag. The place where we usually play sports an impressive 8500 square foot multistory arena where up to forty people run around shooting each other for thirty minutes at a time. The next logical step would be to play it outdoors. Being regular customers, the manager let us take a few of the guns out in the parking lot to see how well it would work.

Playing laser tag in the parking lot was a blast. We would run around the buildings and take refuge behind the few cars that remained in the parking lot at two in the morning. If you aimed the gun carefully, you could hit someone that was standing still from about 200 yards away. The biggest problem was that after about thirty minutes of running around the parking lot we were all too out of breath to play anymore.

I suppose at this point in the story we could have all gone home, and the story would have ended there-and more importantly, without the need for police intervention. But that’s not what happened. After catching our breath on the curb of the parking lot, we created a slight variation of the game. We reasoned because we all like to play Laser Tag and we all like to drive our cars that, “Laser Car Tag” would be more entertaining than either activity by itself. We decided on boundaries for the game, picked teams, and each got into our own car.

The general idea was to chase down one of the cars from the other team and shoot the blinking lights on their gun in order to get points. With four cars and a rather large field of play it wasn’t very easy to find the other team, much less shoot the lights on their gun. We all drove around for twenty minutes without anyone getting hit. At that moment I realized my teammate Brian and I both had cell phones in our cars. I called him up and we set up a trap for the other team.

In case you were wondering, it’s not all that easy to drive a car with a standard transmission, talk on a cell phone, and aim a laser gun out the window trying to hit the other team all at the same time. Despite these difficulties, Brian and I were able to set up a trap where I got one of the other cars to chase me and Brian sneaked up from behind and hit one of their sensors. Victory was ours.

Sometimes in life you can win and lose at the same time. This was such an occasion.

While Brian was sneaking up on our prey, it turns out that there was a police car that was sneaking up behind all of us and witnessed the entire maneuver. He pulled all three of the cars over. In all honesty, I don’t think he appreciated our creative vision that night. While he didn’t specifically arrest us for playing laser car tag, he did mention some “laws” against going thirty-five miles an hour over the speed limit through the main street in Boulder, not stopping at red lights, and erratically changing lanes every three seconds. We presented what I thought was a convincing verbal argument that it’s the difference in speed that kills and since we were both going seventy miles an hour down 28th street, there was really no chance that we would hit each other. The officer seemed largely unconvinced and decided to give us the pleasure of spending the night in jail.

My first (and so far only) night in jail was not as bad as I imagined. Neither the guards or other prisoners deemed it necessary for me to receive any kind of “anal probe”, which I greatly appreciated. I spent four years in college living on dorm food, so what they gave us in jail really brought back memories. If all goes as planned tomorrow morning we will all get out on bail pending our court hearings.

Post Trial Comments:

The trial received much more publicity due to the accounts of that night and the corresponding video tape from the officer’s patrol car being the feature story on the television show “COPS” last week. As part of my plea bargain, I have agreed to provide a public service message on what has now become known as Xtreme Laser Tag.

Youth of America– playing Laser Tag while operating a car, motorcycle, mountain bike, or gyrocopter may seem like a whole lot of fun, but it’s actually a very dangerous sport. While there have been no documented deaths attributed to this activity in the United States, it is believed every year between 100 and 200 children in Mexico and other parts of South America die in Laser Tag related incidents. Remember– friends don’t let friends get really drunk at Christmas parties and… OOPS, that was a previous story. Just remember kids, officers have been authorized to use stun guns and other forms of violent-yet-non-lethal force to stop these now illegal Laser Tag games.

Well, that part is over. Now I can get this whole ugly mess behind me once I finish my 200 hours of community service in accordance with the terms of my parole.
Signs Of The Times

March 30, 2013

I was driving down the highway today and the electronic warning sign said, “Call *277 to report drunk drivers.” The next sign read, “Plz txt Some1NEARmeISbReakingTHElaw to 31416 to report drivers using their phones while driving.”

Back to driving…
Horse Play

October 12, 2013

I was talking with my chiropractor the other day about “horse punching” in movies. He said they use trip wires to knock the horse over which seems pretty cruel to the animal. While he was twisting my neck back and forth I made the reassuring observation that “at least with today’s computer animation technology any future horse punching scenes can be rendered digitally.”
Fries With That?

December 16, 2002

Investors are not expecting good news when McDonald’s Corp. updates its earnings outlook on Tuesday. In an effort to increase profits, the world’s largest fast food establishment has announced plans to cut several high-profile employees and increase the number of items on the $1 value meal. Can anyone say “McGrimmace Burgers?”
Making A Difference

December 12, 2002

Republican Senator Trent Lott apologized once again for a recent comment made regarding Strom Thurmond’s 1948 presidential campaign based on a segregationist platform. Meanwhile, democrats have officially adopted an “anti-dixiecrat Lott-bashing” platform for the 2004 elections.
Annoying Sleeping Habits

February 1, 2002

I’m just not the type of person who gets sick very often. While I can only provide anecdotal evidence on this matter, I firmly believe my good health is due to the fact I religiously adhere to the “doughnut pyramid” philosophy of nutrition. (NOTE TO SELF: eat two more chocolate eclairs before bed to fulfill the recommended daily allowance of vanilla goo). Despite my impeccable eating habits, some sort of evil invaders made their way into my body. And, no, I’m not talking about the Spanish Inquisition. My symptoms included coughing, sneezing, fever, chills, cold sweats, runny nose, headache, abnormally high levels of drool (while awake), irritability, disorientation, high cholesterol, itchy facial hair, consecutive bad hair days, and an unexplained tolerance of “Gilligan’s Island” reruns.

Being a single male, I have exactly two approaches to getting better. The first is to just ignore the situation. Which most of the time is really the best thing to do. After a few days of specifically doing nothing, it became quite obvious my situation was not improving. Which meant I had to switch to my alternate form of treatment– I called my mom.

I explained the situation to my mom and she drove up to Boulder one night to see what kind of medical attention the situation warranted. Even when I am perfectly healthy I don’t always know what day it is, but having a high fever did nothing to help the situation. But I do remember watching professional football, which meant it was a Sunday. Unless it was Monday. Or possibly Thursday or Saturday. I was honestly more concerned with the idea of my head exploding after doing something silly like trying to sit up.

My mom arrived and had me swallow various pills and liquids to improve my condition. Exhausted from this sudden flurry of activity, I could do little more than lay back on the couch and fall asleep. I can only imagine my mom’s concern as she watched me sleep restlessly as my fevered body tried to recover from this illness. And that was BEFORE I started rambling incoherently.

While I’m sure I had my reasons for babbling on in my sleep to my mom that we needed to go to the local grocery store to buy birthday cakes that other people ordered, I seem unable to recall them now. I think that was when my mom started entertaining the idea of taking me to a hospital. Fortunately, witnessing my wildly erratic sleeping habits is nothing new for my mom.

My bad sleeping habits can be traced back to my early teens. One of the most common dreams, besides being stuck sitting between Newt Gingrich and Rush Limbaugh on a crowded bus heading to Istanbul, is to have an uncontrolled falling sensation. The normal reaction is to wake up, realize it was a dream, and then go back to sleep. My routine, on the other hand, contained the additional step of waking up in the morning to realize that I had pulled the curtains near my bed out of the wall.

In addition to my nocturnal redecorating efforts, I have also been known to walk and talk in my sleep. My parents didn’t really know what to do when I was wandering in the hallway at three in the morning explaining how random objects were flying out of my television set. One time I walked into my parents bedroom and sat on the corner of their bed in the middle of the night. I didn’t say or do anything—I just sat there. I don’t think this scenario is covered in any of those “how to raise your teenager” books.

I consider myself to have fairly average verbal debating skills when I am awake and coherent. When I am sleeping, however, I have yet to lose an argument. I suspect this is because A) I use facts that are only available to me, such as “there are dragons coming in the windows” or “time is moving backwards, and I have to fix it” and B) I refuse to accept the claims of other people that I am incoherent and speaking gibberish. Coincidentally, this is the same strategy employed by the Republican party.

Given my history with odd sleeping patterns, my recent experience on my couch was really no cause for alarm. I don’t really know why I sleepwalk, but I can remember everything I say and do when I wake up. Maybe my life would be easier if I actually stopped dreaming before I start moving around and talking, but I have been unable to locate my brain’s instruction manual. Until I find it, I’m stuck like this.
The Silver Screams

September 24, 2003

Welcome to the first debate for the 2004 Presidential Election here on the Fox News Network. We have with us, from the Republican side, current President George “Dubya” Bush. Representing the Democrats tonight is Connecticut Senator Joseph Lieberman. In order to give the American people more of what we think they want, the theme of this debate is “Politics at the Movies.” Every statement must contain at least one cinematic reference. But enough of the small talk– we begin with an opening statement from George Bush.

Bush: I’m sure my opponent will try and change the subject with all kinds of facts relating to how I have been running this country over the past three years. But first I would like to point out that Mr. Lieberman shares more than a passing resemblance to Star Wars’ Senator Palpatine.

Lieberman: What? That was a movie, and besides, it takes place in a galaxy far, far away. Go back and look at my voting record– I have never endorsed building a Death Star in my fourteen years as a congressman.

Announcer: Whoa there, Senator! You should know our broadcast well enough not to bring up vague notions like your voting record. Please stay focused on the matter at hand, or you won’t get any more camera time.

Bush: Death Star, huh, we could use something like that in the War on Terror. We could set it on “singe” and take Afghanistan right off the map! I wonder how much Haliburton would charge us to build one under the table. Dangit–am I talking out loud again?

Lieberman: Fine… if I’m the evil Senator, that means Bush is Jar-Jar Binks! I’ll concede there isn’t much of physical resemblance, but they both have wacky accents, and, well, let’s face it— they are both bumbling idiots.

Bush: Mr. Lieberman, we have a little saying where I come from. I can’t remember it off the top of my head, and even if I could, I probably wouldn’t say it right on the first try anyway. Going back to Jar-Jar Binks– Despite his unusual accent and awkward adolescence, Jar-Jar bravely served in the military defending his planet from the evil invasion force. Several years later, a more wise and conservative Mr. Binks became a public servant and assisted Queen Amidala in official duties of the Imperial Senate. Finally, Jar-Jar… well, I haven’t seen the next film. But my point is this: If you want to compare me to Jar-Jar Binks, I’ll take it as a compliment Senator Palpat… I mean, Lieberman.

Announcer: Whoa! He really burned you there Joe.

Bush: But obviously I’m Maverick from Top Gun. Studies commissioned by my administration shows that 53% of voting-age American females would enjoy watching me play sand volleyball half naked with Anthony Edwards and Val Kilmer. While I am more than willing to give the public what they want, scheduling conflicts between the three of us have kept it from happening. As a compromise, however, I did dress up in a flight suit on that aircraft carrier earlier this year.

Liberman: If I was going to be compared to a likeness of a movie character, I think the best fit would be that of Oskar Schindler from Steven Spielberg’s World War 2 drama “Schindler’s List.” After learning of the horrible crimes committed by the Nazi party, Schindler puts himself at risk in order to save more than 1,000 Jews from a German concentration camp. His bravery in the face of evil has been an inspiration for the past decade.

Bush: Yeah, I think I’ve seen that one—but for some reason we could only see it in black and white. I remember getting horrible customer service when I called the cable company to complain about the picture. So should we, as Americans, be surprised that Joe Lieberman’s favorite movie centered on a controlling Jewish man and literally thousands of naked people? I’m sure everyone else found the ending as terribly confusing as I did, but the general idea I got out of it was that this Schindler guy bought as many of the naked people as he could in order to start his own perverted sex brothel and corresponding Internet site. Now is this the kind of man we want running the country?

Announcer: That’s all the time we have tonight. Stay tuned for next week’s debate, when we force the candidates to address the tough question, “What would YOU do to reduce the size of J-Lo’s ass?”
In The Beginning

October 5, 2022

In the beginning God created the mathematical universe and it was formless and void.

God said, “Let this be known as nothing.”

Then God said, “It is not right that this creation should be alone. I will make a companion suitable for him. Also, let this be known as everything.”

God saw that everything was good, and God separated everything from nothing. God called the nothing Zero, and the everything Infinity.

Then God said, “Let it be known that nothing is everything. And everything is nothing.” God called this equality.

God saw all that he had made, and indeed it was very good.

God blessed Zero and Infinity and said to them, “Rule over this garden landscape I have created. I have given you nothing, everything, and equality. This garden is complete and consistent, and I have given you enough for you to exist in harmony and peace for all eternity.”

God placed Zero and Infinity in the garden. “Of every object in the garden you may freely use, but of the tree of the One you shall not define, for in the day you use it you will no longer be well defined.”

Now the serpent in the garden said to Infinity, “Have you thought of taking from the tree of the One?”

And Infinity said to the serpent, “No, God has created our world where everything is nothing and nothing is everything. Infinity equals Zero and Zero equals Infinity. What would be gained from the tree of the One?”

The serpent said to Infinity, “But if you are truly equal to zero, why did God name you as something else? Perhaps the tree of the One will help clarify your definitions.”

So Infinity went to the tree of the One. It was pleasing to her eyes and she defined “One”. Then the eyes of Zero and Infinity were both opened, and they discovered they were no longer equal.

Zero heard the sound of God in the garden, and tried to hide. God said to him, “Why are you hiding?”

Zero said, “I see that I am less than Infinity, and I am ashamed.”

And He said, “Who told you that you were not equal to Infinity? Have you taken from the tree of the One?”

Zero said, “Infinity gave me the fruit of the One, and I defined it.”

God turned to Infinity, “What have you done?”

And Infinity said, “The serpent deceived me, and I defined.”

Therefore God sent them both out from the garden.

God said to Infinity, “Because you took from the tree of the One you are banned from ever having equality with any objects.”

God said to Zero, “You are forever destined to be less than the One. You shall now also bear the burden of addition. The One plus the One is a new object. This shall in turn lead to an uncountable number of objects between you and Infinity as a reminder of your exiled partner.”

“The final punishment is that of multiplication.” God explained to Zero. “This will define an uncountable number of objects between you and the One. Despite this, you shall have no closest object. Your world is no longer consistent and complete. You will encounter statements which are true but cannot be proven. This is your ultimate punishment for taking from the tree of the One.”
Star Trek 11? I’ve Lost Count

May 11, 2009

I have to start out by mentioning that back in the day I used to just skip out of work so I could be one of the very first people to see the latest Star Trek movie on Friday afternoon. Being a UPS driver doesn’t make this very easy, and I didn’t really want to use one of my two option days I get each year. So Katherine and I went to the theater on Sunday afternoon to see what all the fuss is about.

My first impression of the movie was, “Wow– they must have saved a lot of money by using the set of ‘Ugly Betty’ as the bridge of the Enterprise.” Every time they turned a corner on the ship I was expecting to see Vanessa Williams bravely holding up some comically large space weapon with her assistant Marc cowering behind while making sarcastic comments about how the crew dressed such as, “if this is the best outfits the future can come up with, well just phaser me now.” I’m not quite sure where America Ferrera fits into this situation, but I’ll bet she would stick her nose in everyone’s business and find a quirky resolution to the problem.

Here is a run down of the some of the main characters:

James Kirk: fiesty kiddo who spends most of the movie dangling perilously on the edge of things.

Young Spock: realizing that the television show “Heroes” isn’t going to last forever, Zachary Quinto stepped out of the role of the evil Sylar and hopped on board as Spock. His biggest challenge for the role: shaving his facial hair between every take.

Old Spock: according to the movie, Leonard Nemoy was 147 years old when he got sent back in time. I swear he didn’t look a day over 90.

The Bad Guy: Had some strange tatoo on his face and went around destroying Federation planets. I’m not sure if these two facts are related. Too bad Ricardo Montelbon wasn’t around when they filmed this– now there was a guy you just couldn’t help but hate.

And the big surprise at the end: There wasn’t any! None of the main characters were killed because they all have to be kept alive so all the stuff that has already been made at least kind of makes sense. I guess that’s the problem with making a movie that is both a prequel and a sequel in the Star Trek Universe.

I suspect the next film will focus on how William Shatner became such a bad actor.
Interview With Ertok

February 22, 2001

A lot of newfunny readers are curious to learn more about Ertok. For those of you who are new to the site, Ertok is an Evil Alien Overlord that oversees my work on the newfunny web site. The Evil Alien Overlords are planning to enslave the human race and create a planetary network of mining slave camps. Here are some questions I asked Ertok during a recent interview:

O: So what part of the Galaxy are you from?
E: We come from a planet known in your scientific community as BETA-MX-1974. For those less technically inclined humanoids, our home world is on a planet that orbits a star which, from this point in the time/space continuum of the galaxy, looks like an ear of a little bunny rabbit. Or the front headlight of a 1984 Pontiac Fiero, depending on your sociological upbringing.

O: How are you able to speak English so well?
E: You might suspect we have a complex computer system that provides real time bi-directional language translation or that we insert some mythical cold blooded sea dwelling life form into our aurial chamber. One of our long range listening posts detected patterned electromagnetic waves radiating from your planet. We were quickly able to decipher them into their respective audio and video signals. Once the invasion force was dispatched from the home world we assimilated your culture through what you refer to as television and radio. While not perfect, our understanding of your language should be adequate for our needs. For example, we still haven’t decoded what your television signals refer to as the, “ancient Chinese Secret”. But from what we do know, we consider this to be of minimal strategic military importance.

O: So why have you chosen me to be the spokesman for your Invasion Force?
E: Well, we examined several factors when choosing a candidate. First of all, you posses the computer skills needed to convey our message to a large audience through your planetary digital packet distribution system. We also noted your wildly overactive imagination will most likely cause disbelief when conveying this message.

O: I’m a little bit confused now. So you want me to tell the world about your plans, but you don’t want anyone to believe what I’m saying. What purpose does that serve?
E: One thing we learned about your culture is that humans seem to enjoy the idea of irony. This way, after all humanoids are toiling away in the mining camps, we can post a big sign saying “We told you our plans, but nobody took it seriously. Now you and countless generations of your offspring will pay for this insolence. Oh, and please wear eye protection when operating heavy machinery.”

O: Being your cooperative spokesman by devoting my time and energy to your cause, will I be allowed to have a cushy administrative position in your new world order?
E: No.

O: Do I get anything for my efforts?
E: Yes-we have noticed you are trying to solve a mathematical problem your race refers to as the Non Polynomial Complete Set Theory Conjecture. (Our species calls it the “Traveling Mining Camp Equipment Sales Humanoid” problem). We plan on giving you the mathematical proof, which is small enough to fit in the margin of a single piece of paper, right as we assign you to the most dangerous mining camp.

O: We are almost out of time, so would you like to say anything to all the faithful newfunny readers?
E: If any humanoids are curious, your future will be similar to the movie “Superman 2”. Except instead of three escaped convicts from planet Krypton, there will be several thousand of us, and there will be no Superman. To paraphrase your human expression: “May the more advanced life form bring cruelty and mining camps along with their victory”. Ertok out.

Well, hopefully this interview will help keep you informed about Ertok and the Evil Alien Overlords. If you have any more questions, please send them to the “Letters to the Editor” section of the newfunny web site.
A Word From Our Sponsors

May 16, 2009

No, newfunny.com doesn’t have any sponsors. Not that I would mind someone giving me money for something that I’m already doing for free. “A Word From Our Sponsors” is my idea for another television reality show. I’ve worked for UPS for seven years now, and in that time I’ve come up with several ideas for what I think would be great commercials. Unfortunately, UPS doesn’t accept unsolicited marketing concepts– even from it’s own employees. With some 400,000 employees, I guess I can understand their position. This is where “A Word From Our Sponsors” comes into play.

Instead of having commercials in between the show, the show is all about making commercials for specific products, and there aren’t any traditional commercial breaks. The show starts off with 30 contestants: 10 writers, 10 directors, and 10 graphics specialists. Each week, teams are randomly assigned with one person from each of the three groups. At the beginning of the week the CEO of a company makes a presentation about a certain product they would like to promote. Then each team of three has until the end of the week to come up with an idea for a 30 second commercial, film it, and add any needed computer graphics. Next all the teams are brought back together with the sponsor to view the results. Each team gets to score all the other team’s finished product. The sponsor gets to decide if he wants to “buy” any of the commercials. If the sponsor purchases a team’s submission the team automatically gets to go on to the next week. The team with the lowest score gets eliminated. The next week everything starts over. The remaining people are randomly assigned new teams, and a new CEO and product line is introduced.

The show should be geared to encourage “outside the box” concepts that are funny, non-traditional, and memorable. Here are examples of the UPS commercials I’ve thought of:

In the style of the television show “24”, show how a next day air package moves through the UPS system.
Show what it would be like if all the UPS drivers and pilots met in one place with their vehicles.
A “Lord of the Rings” themed commercial on an easier way to deliver the ring

So, if you are reading this and happen to be the CEO of General Electric or Viacom give me a call and we can work something out. If you are a nobody, don’t call me– I’ve got a truckload of packages that need to get delivered before I can go home for the night.
2006 Christmas Letter

December 25, 2006

Two thousand and six– what a year. Some professional football team won the Super bowl, the Democrats won a majority in both houses of Congress, and almost all of humanity was destroyed in an unexpected large-scale thermonuclear attack from a previously unknown Cylon attack force. Hold on—I might be confusing things that happened on television with stuff outside television. Now that I think about it, it was the Cylons who won the Superbowl, and the Dallas Cowboys who destroyed the twelve colonies of mankind.

In an unrelated note, I finished Netflix-ing the first two seasons of the SciFi Channel series Battlestar Galactica. On a whim I added the first DVD to my queue, and after the first twenty minutes I was hooked. I would say it is like crack to me, but I’ve never smoked crack, so something like “high fructose corn syrup” or “partially hydrogenated oils” would be more appropriate to my situation. What’s so great about Battlestar Galactica? (or, as we in the business like to say, BSG) Sure, I’ve always been a Science Fiction geek, but this series is so much more than I expected. I like to think of it as Star Trek with a healthy dose of nuclear annihilation, drug abuse, and (best of all) hot human/Cylon threesome sexual encounters. That, and they aren’t afraid to kill off main characters on a regular basis. Who is going to get thrown out of an airlock this week? Stay tuned!

In more reality based news, I’m still working as a driver at UPS. One of the highlights of the year was delivering a package near the Colorado State University campus and receiving, at no charge, a song sung to me by the entire tri-delta sorority. I don’t remember all the words, but it sounded like a cross between the theme song to “Friends” and that creepy song they force the wait staff sing when you tell them it is your birthday at Bennigans. When the song ended they asked, no, begged me to stay and referee their impromptu sorority wide pajama-clad pillow fight. Before I could answer, however, Sir Gallant and King Arthur broke down the door and dragged me rather unwillingly back to my UPS truck—thus saving me from certain temptation.

With the exception of the entire tri-delta sorority, I seem to have a new woman in my life. Katherine started out as my Kinetics craft assistant, but her ability to deal with my lunatic ravings quickly led to a promotion. This, by any measure, is not an easy task. Our relationship is quite similar to that of Doctor Who and his latest sidekick Rose Tyler. The only difference is that Katherine isn’t blond and doesn’t speak with much of an English accent, and my time-traveling tardus currently lacks any time traveling abilities and is constructed chiefly from a port-o-let acquired from a nearby construction site.

Since Katherine and I both seem to have an unexplained attraction towards shiny objects, we decided to go visit Las Vegas for a week in November. Outside most casinos are elaborate setups specifically designed to capture the attention of nearby pedestrians. If you are able to get past this small army of scruffy looking middle-age men trying to sell time share vacation plans and discounts to various strip clubs, the actual casinos themselves often times have their own form of visual stimulation designed to lure people inside their establishments. Treasure Island has one of the most well known setups on the strip.

Based on a true story (as told by someone on an acid/Viagra trip), things start out with a raggedy, sassy band of exotic dancers who eek out a living on a large sailing ship by plundering passing ships of their Victoria’s Secrets cargo. In their spare time, just like any other pirates of the sea, of course, they dance and sing highly choreographed musical numbers. Neighboring pirate groups know them as simply armed, arrogant, and argumentative, or in pirate talk, “the three Arrrs.” Trouble erupts, however, when they come across a ship of raggedy, sassy exotic male dancers who don’t want any trouble as they are merely on their way to a friend’s nearby houseboat to attend their annual gay pirate party costume party. One thing leads to another, and eventually the matter is settled with a traditional “pirate dance off.” Loud music plays, hips are thrusts in perfect sync, and cannons are discharged until only one boat is left floating.

That about sums things up for this year. So, to anyone planning on visiting remember the saying, “What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas—especially the dead hooker in the trunk of the rental car.”
1999 Christmas Letter

December 25, 1999
Assuming that I am not going to get hit by a meteorite or trampled to death in some freak Y2K riot, I have made it through another year to write my fifth Christmas letter. I’m quite impressed with my ability to stick with the program for five years now. I can’t really think of anything else off the top of my head that has involved such a level of commitment. I left my “Tamaguchi” in a restaurant a day after it hatched, college only took four years, and my longest romantic relationship was wrapped up in a little more than three years. What does all this mean? Not a thing. Now that I think about it, I took care of my dog for more than a decade, and I have stood by the Denver Broncos for even longer than that. Heck, I’m still waiting for that Haley’s comet thing to come back again. Perhaps my level of commitment is not as underdeveloped as I first imagined.

In any case, it’s been a rather eventful year for me. As you may or may not know, I spent the first six months of the year working and playing in various parts of Europe. I wrote a letter about that way back in June, so feel free to read “Six Months in Amsterdam” if you haven’t done so already.

Getting back to Boulder was an interesting affair. For some reason that I don’t quite understand, it takes roughly 5 times longer to fly from Europe to the US than the other way around. I think it has something to do with the fact that the pilots have to convert all of their calculations from the metric system back to our way of doing things. I walked by the cockpit during the flight where one of the crew members was asking “Now how many gallons are there in a kilogram? I always get that mixed up.” Regardless of the reason, I have to say that I have never had the chance to watch four complete movies in an uninterrupted 16 hour period. It really wouldn’t have been so bad, except that United Airlines picks out all the movies they show during the flight from the “Goober Bin” at the local video store. You would think that with all the money they spend on in flight video equipment they could find something more interesting to show than sappy B movies and old episodes of “Home Improvement.”

Coming back to Boulder was a mixed blessing. I can’t really say that I like one city over the other, so I made two top ten lists about what I miss and don’t miss now that I am back in Boulder.

Top 10 reasons for coming back:
1. I’m afraid of the Euro.
2. Electrical outlets are all weird.
3. Company apartment has temperamental hot water heater.
4. No 24-hour supermarkets in Holland
5. I hated the “revolving door of death” at the Amsterdam office.
6. You think parking is bad in Boulder!
7. Cricket is just too hard to figure out.
8. I like seeing the sun every now and then.
9. No Taco Bell in Holland.
10. Poor news coverage of the ongoing Ramsey investigation.
Top 10 reasons for staying in Amsterdam:
1. I was just starting to get the hang of snooker.
2. Everyone sounds so smart on those BBC channels.
3. Chocolate eggs with the toys inside.
4. Eurodisney!
5. Nobody cares when you urinate in the canals.
6. Color coated money and coins that are actually worth something.
7. The novelty condom shops.
8. Numerous bars within walking distance of the apartment.
9. The Chunnel.
10. Public Transportation that doesn’t suck!!!
After watching various Initial Public Offerings increase the value of a select few individuals by a couple of billion dollars (give or take a few hundred million), I’ve decided to form my own company with the intention of taking it public in the future. In order to capitalize on both the current Internet craze and the recent success of Martha Stewart’s IPO, my new company is going to center around a web site devoted to food recipes that focus primarily on the wants and needs of men. Feel free to check it out at www.boxostuff.com. My personal favorite recipe: Box o’ Cheeze Its.

Well, every year I comment on my increasingly pathetic attempts at working toward my Master’s degree. I am proud to announce that this year I spent an all-time low three weeks attending classes. While still living and working in Amsterdam, I went through all of the trouble of applying to the Graduate Business program at CU. I started my Financial Accounting and Numerical Analysis night classes in late August. By early September I realized that neither subjects are very interesting in my own little world. I also discovered that as a reward for throwing in the towel quickly, the University gives back most of your money when you drop your classes in the first couple of weeks. At this rate, the only hope that I have of actually finishing a Masters degree is if scientists develop a computer chip that I can plug into my brain with all the relevant knowledge that I would have otherwise gained from sitting in class for two years.

December has been a pretty busy for me as I have been feverishly preparing for any and all Y2K issues that might arise at the end of the year. While most people are checking flashlight batteries and chopping firewood, I am busy watching a lot of TV. I don’t know what the future will hold in the brave new world of the upcoming millennium, but I want to start it off with the reassuring feeling that I have committed every episode of “Charles In Charge” to memory. OK, in all honesty, I have bought into the hype just a little bit by going to the grocery store and buying an extra box of “Cheeze Its.”

I’ve decided to start a new tradition of bestowing “Web Site of the Year” to the corner of the Internet that has arbitrarily provided me with the most laughs over the past year. This award goes to www.witcity.com. One section, called “The Lying Game” asks a new question every day and the top 10 most entertaining, insightful, or otherwise unique answers are posted the next day. It took me a while to get the hang of it, but in the past couple of weeks I have gotten five or six of my entries published the next day. I am not exactly sure why, but I’ve developed a knack for making fun of Sony’s latest high tech toy, the “Robotic Dog.” Here are some of the questions along with my winning entries:

Q: What features are part of Sony’s new Robotic Dog?
A: Docking procedure no longer requires human leg.

Q: What are some of the merchandise spin-offs from “Toy Story 2?”
A: “Toy Story 3” trailer: It’s Buzz Lightyear vs. Sony’s Robotic Dog.

Q: What’s the most appropriate holiday gift to get for your boss?
A: That Sony Robotic Dog, set to “Evil.”

Q: In the Year 3000, what will be remembered about New Year’s 2000?
A: Who would have imagined those Sony Robotic Dogs were going to evolve and enslave the human race?

Of course there is a lot more to me than an endless string of Robotic Dog jokes. For example, here is the very first Lying Game Entry of mine that was published:

Q: What is the plot of the new film, “Charlie’s Angels: The Movie?”
A: Instead of working for the mysterious man on speaker phone, the Angels start a new job investigating questions submitted to the “Ask Jeeves” web site.

That pretty much wraps things up for this year. All that is left to do is to wait and see how life is going to be different now that the year odometer is making the big flip. I’ve done extensive testing and I am cautiously optimistic that my lava lamp and drinking bird are both going to operate correctly come January 1st. I don’t think anything bad is going to happen, but if it does I’ll be able to relax a little bit knowing that even though I didn’t send out my Christmas letter until after December 25th, all of my friends will have gotten at least one good laugh before the world comes to an end.
And the wind cried “Mary”

April 22, 2026

And our fence cried “Uncle.”

In March of 2026 a rather abrasive windstorm blew through town and did a number on our fence. And by that I mean a big old smelly number two that we didn’t have the luxury of ignoring for a few weeks like all the little number twos the dogs make in the back yard.

Up until then my general plan regarding fence repair involved identifying a part that wobbled too much and fastening it to something that wobbled less. While this worked surprisingly well for the past 15 years, I couldn’t find any zip ties or wood screws that could repair the posts that broke off two inches above the concrete. So, the next weekend we purchased a few hundred dollars of supplies, invited our neighbor Steve to a fence party, and worked hard to convince ourselves we knew what we were doing. In retrospect I should have filmed a “Brooklyn 99” style introduction where we dramatically walked to the damaged area carrying hand tools in slow motion while exciting music played in the background.

Why, yes, I am pulling out the buried concrete with the car jack from our Kia Sorento. And yes, it did work. I also screwed in a bolt to what was left of the wood to get a more secure hold on the concrete. As a side note, if you are currently in the online dating world this is the kind of image you should post to your profile. A recent study revealed that nine out of ten women prefer a partner with fence repair skills to one with visible abdominal muscles. And that other one will most likely cheat on you with her fitness instructor.

So, what is my advice for all the fence repair enthusiasts out there reading my website? There is literally nothing fun about this activity. It is physically demanding, you have to get your body in unpleasant positions, and in the end the absolute best outcome is to have everything work just as well as it did the day before the windstorm came into town. Enjoy!
World Racing Interface

September 19, 2009

As we approach the Autumnal Solstice, new automobile models are being released along with a seemingly equal number of automobile racing video games. Every title these days is infinitely better than last year’s version: more tracks, more cars, and new forced feedback so realistic that serious crashes WILL give you full body bruising, internal organ damage, and life threatening concussions. Don’t get me wrong– all of this is great, but the next advance, in my humble opinion, will be when Google introduces their new World Racing Interface.

You see, Google has been busy photographing every square inch of the planet for the past few years. It started out with satellite images free for public viewing. Then they started driving around specially equipped vehicles that take high definition images every three feet and magically stitch them together so it actually feels like you are standing in front of your ex-girlfriend’s house for hours on end without police officers asking you to please remove your night vision goggles and produce a valid form of identification.

So in the near future, Google will use some type of wizard’s spell to access this four (insert made up word to represent some really really big number)-byte and counting map of the world. So now instead of just being able to race on a few tracks, you can go anywhere in the world– literally. Wait– maybe not exactly literally, but more of a symbolic literal manner. Sure, racing through the streets of downtown Seattle is fun for a while, but how about building your own race track through your own part of town? Wouldn’t that just kick some ass? Bond with your neighbors with a networked racing league. Just don’t take that last corner too fast or you could end up running into your own living room. And we all know if that happens you die in real life. No, that’s the Matrix.

The possibilities are endless. Who wants to recreate “Cannonball Run”? Or even “Cannonball Run 2”? How about “Smokey and the Bandit 2”? Just make sure you go to the bathroom before the race starts. And, for those who lack direction AND ambition you can just drive around with no particular destination. Enjoy the scenery of driving I-80 across Nebraska. The world is your oyster. Oyster has no cash value.

So, Google, you have your orders: get this new project up and running. I’m all ready to stay home and see the world. (while I’m drinking soda and eating nacho favored corn chips, of course.)

And Google, I know you Google yourself, and since I’ve used the world Google almost a dozen times now, I’m sure someone is going to see this on their Google Alert, so don’t pretend like you didn’t hear about it. I would like to see a beta version by the end of the year.
Common Sense

May 15, 2011

Several members of the Republican party, including Karl Rove and Sarah Palin, have openly criticized President Barack Obama for inviting the rap star Common to read a short poem at a recent White House Poetry event. “We don’t want this to come off as racists old school thinking,” the Republicans explained in a press release, “but letting a colored man into the White House to talk about things like hope and freedom just doesn’t sit well with our more established voting base.”
1998 Christmas Letter

December 25, 1998

Welcome to my fourth annual Christmas letter. Well, I can’t pretend my life wasn’t drastically changed this year when my dad died. I’ve tried not to dwell on it too much, but I don’t think that I could write my annual Christmas letter pretending that it never happened. Don’t worry though– that isn’t all that has happened to me this year.January 6, 1998 was the date. I’m not going to explain what happened in any kind of detail, but I will say that he went to the hospital with Pneumococcal Pneumonia and died two days later from complications that followed. His down fall was very quick and relatively painless– not a bad way to go.The one piece of advice I have when someone is forced to deal with the loss of a loved one is to ask how to help instead of assuming to know what to do. Some of our neighbors brought over a bunch of greasy Chinese food and had dinner with us the night after my dad died. While I am usually a big fan of greasy Chinese food, that night I just wasn’t in the mood. They meant well, but it just didn’t really help much. On the other hand, I asked one of my best friends to drive me up to my apartment in Boulder so I could get some of my things. There is no better feeling than being driven across town in rush hour traffic so I could change out of the underwear I had been wearing for the past three days.

OK, I guess I can go on to talk about the rest of the year.

The next Saturday morning I tried to put the events of the previous week behind me by going on my company ski trip. It started out innocently enough when I boarded one of the two busses Rogue Wave chartered for the day. Once everyone was settled the busses headed up I-70– destination Summit County. A light snowfall greeted us as we arrived at the base of Copper Mountain. After making a not so quick stop in the ski rental shop I hit the slopes. The light crowds and constant snowfall made for excellent ski conditions. A dozen or so runs later I climbed back on the bus wet, sore, and immensely satisfied from the day’s activities.

Instead of commuting straight back to Boulder the plan was to stop in Silverthorn for dinner and drinks. The idea was to enjoy a relaxing dinner and miss the evening ski traffic returning to the metro area. The intentions were good, but the results turned out disastrous.

After a hearty meal at Old Chicago’s we got on the busses to head home. The only problem was that I-70 was closed by the highway patrol minutes before we arrived. Instead of preparing for hot showers and comfortable beds we patiently waited near the on ramp to I-70. Information was scarce and the mood quickly changed when we realized the busses were not moving anytime soon. To say that everyone handles stress differently would be a monstrous understatement in this situation. Most people slept, talked, or played charades. Some people, however, didn’t handle the situation quite so gracefully. The names are not important, but I honestly believe the threat of legal action was the only factor preventing some of the occupants of the bus from being physically restrained and placed in the under carriage storage compartments for the duration of the trip.

In February I had the honor and privilege of representing Rogue Wave Software at the 1998 Software Development West conference held in San Francisco, California. My only responsibility for the week was to spend several hours a day at the Rogue Wave company booth answering whatever questions the attendants would throw at us. I answered a lot of questions during my booth duty, but the most common question by far was “What is the coolest thing I can get from you guys for free?” It was kind of sad to see people who make a good living as computer programmers going from exhibit to exhibit begging for cheap pens and crappy T-shirts.

The coolest thing about going to trade shows is having an expense account and a whole lot of free time. Despite the week long cloud cover and constant drizzle, we sampled quite a few lovely restaurants and bars in the downtown San Francisco area. The most exciting evening started out at what was called the “Vendor Bender” party. As a reward for countless hours standing on the concrete floor of the convention center, the organizers of the convention hosted a party that included a dinner buffet, two open bars, a DJ, and a live band. As best I can remember, we stayed at the party for the entire time and didn’t leave until the bouncers started kicking people out. After a quick cab ride back to the hotel there were still quite a few of us that just weren’t ready to go to bed. We had a lot of fun in the wee hours of that morning, unfortunately I can’t reveal any more of the specific details of the night as a high level company executive reminded everyone that the events of the evening were not to be made available to the general public. I was kind of worried about waking up my roommate by coming in at such a late hour, but it turned out to be a non issue as he was already up and getting ready to go downstairs to eat breakfast. Needless to say I didn’t join him.

When the spring rolled around my mom decided that she wanted to move out of her big house and into a townhouse. Of course before that could happen we had to sort through the belongings all four members of our family had accumulated over the past 21 years. It’s easy to say that you love someone when things are going well in life. It’s even pretty easy when things are going bad. The true test of love is when you have to spend countless hours in the basement trying to decide what you want to keep and what to throw away. The whole thing was so stressful that I ended up getting in a big fight with my mom when I thought she was putting too much tape on the packing boxes. For a woman in her early fifties she put up quite a struggle when I decided to take matters into my own hands and wrestle the tape gun away from her. There were a few tense moments, but we somehow managed to survive the whole moving process.

In my continued half hearten attempt to earn a Masters degree, I enrolled in a graduate level mathematics class during the summer session at the Denver campus of the University of Colorado. It turns out the class was taught by the same teacher and convened in the same room as the class I took last year. This year, however, I had to deal with a full time job in addition to the demands of the class. This drastically reduced the amount of time I could allocate to my homework. Sometimes I could work on my assignments after work on the nights I didn’t have class. When that wasn’t an option I employed the time honored tradition of doing my homework on the bus on the way to school. At the rate I am going I will have all the required credits for my Masters degree in the year 2007.

That pretty much describes the important and/or entertaining events for 1998. The year didn’t go anything like I imagined, but I guess that is what life is all about. As I am writing this I am getting ready to spend the next 6 months in Europe on company business. I’ve never been out of the state of Colorado for more than two weeks at a time or out of the United States at all, so traveling half way around the world will be an exciting experience. Since I am leaving the beginning of January it will have to wait until my 1999 Christmas letter. Until then, I’ll end this letter with one of my favorite song lyrics:

Old man look at my life,
Twenty four and there’s so much more
I live alone in a paradise
That makes me think of two.
Devilish Numbers

April 28, 2003

Military troops in the Middle East are on high alert because April 28, 2003 marks Saddam Hussein’s sixty-sixth birthday. Still trying to locate the former dictator, Marine ground forces are questioning all Iraqi citizens who leave grocery centers with two or more “number six” candles.
2021 Christmas Letter

December 25, 2021
No time for the usual introduction as I smash through the fourth wall like the Kool-Aid Man after his latest parole hearing! WILLFUL DESTRUCTION OF PROPERTY– OH YEAH!

You! Yes YOU! The one reading this letter– somehow I can communicate with you while you are reading this. You can write your very own Christmas letter! No permits, licensing deals, or shady backroom arrangements required. Start with some objective events of the past year, sprinkle in a few things that you really wanted to have happened, and finally top it off with some quasi-random pop culture references. Once complete, send it to your printer, upload it to your website, and, if your time and budget permits, have it incorporated into an elaborate car wrap for your daily driver.

Now that you are ready for everyone read your work of art, here are some suggestions on who may want to read it:
- Friends and relatives.
- People whose jobs require them to interact with you socially.
- Small, furry woodland creatures.
- And, it kind of goes without saying, aliens.
To help illustrate my point, I started ad libbing letters in my brain-area for people on my route based solely on our limited social interactions. Here are two examples.

KARA: This morning my UPS driver told me I needed to write a Christmas Letter. Who am I to argue? Well, I guess I have to argue a little bit that Christmas was a few weeks ago now. So I would like to welcome everyone to my “Commemorating 2020 Right Before I Toss It In A Boat, Push It In The Lake, and Light It On Fire” letter.

JEN: So, it turns out that when you change jobs you don’t necessarily get to keep the same UPS driver. I miss Todd. A lot. All I have left are my memories and a random video on my phone of Todd coming into the store room. I like to think of it as my own game of “human Pokemon.” But seriously everyone, if you are considering changing jobs please take this into consideration.

Also keep in mind this expression of individuality can be based around ANY generally recognized annual celebration such as Arbor day (“I am Groot”) All Hallows Eve (“My Zombie Life– A Musical!”) or Festivus (“Let the Airing of Grievances begin!”).

OK, enough of the public service announcement– back to me for a while.

I remember when I first built my website he was always ready to jump up and race off to handle every HTTP request in a fraction of a second. Twenty some years later I took a closer look and realized that he mostly was just sitting on the couch, eating Cheetos, and passing gas. I did a little research and found out that “website obesity” is a real problem. I started writing back in the mid 1990s so some of my stories have gotten around to some rather unsavory hosting platforms over the years where they undoubtedly picked up extraneous HTML code. I spent an entire weekend doing [INSERT WEBSITE TECHO MUMBO JUMBO HERE] and now my website spends his time eating celery, working out to retro Richard Simmons videos, and asking me why I don’t get more traffic coming to my site anymore. If you haven’t already visited my website, you can check it out at Lutfey.com. Pretty much everything I’ve written for the past quarter century is uploaded. I was blessed with a short but uncommon last name and relatives who didn’t have much interest in the Internet revolution.

Despite an extensive internet search, I am no closer to understanding why I spent the entire month of March with the theme song of “WKRP In Cincinnati” stuck in my head. “Maybe you and me were never meant to be, but baby, think of me once in a while.”

On my birthday I decided to ride my age in miles on my bicycle. Then I looked outside and realized the beginning of April is not really the best time of the year for this type of activity, so I slightly modified my goal to ride my age sometime during the year. After riding around the bike trail in Loveland twice I was a mile short so I rode around my neighborhood until my odometer displayed the correct number. My goal now is to make this an annual event until I’m old enough to not remember I made the commitment. Anyone considering such an endeavor but is concerned with their physical abilities might consider using a different unit of measurement such as kilometers, city blocks, or feet.

Since the “random future predictions” section has been trending well with focus groups over the past few letters, I thought I would change things up a bit this year and make a list of environmentally themed predictions:
- A new mutual fund called “Short Florida” will be rolled out in an effort to benefit financially from rising sea levels.
- Southern California will solve water shortages by covertly building tall fences along mountain peaks on the continental divide in Colorado in order to keep more snow on the western slope.
- Scientists will confirm that global warming can be avoided if everyone takes all the unused CDs, DVDs, and “free AOL trial discs” and hot glues them to their roof shiny side up.
- Florida is going to fund efforts to fight climate change in the state by investing heavily in the “Short Florida” mutual fund.
In fun number news, I realized that I now have written letters for more years of my life than I haven’t. (25 to 23) Being 47 years old, I am also bracing myself for having to spend the next six years not being a prime number. And before you say anything, everyone seems to forget that 51=3*17. I mean, really, how hard is that to remember? I’ll just have to make the best of it and look forward to my next prime number birthday in 2027.

While I would like to think I will die in some Star Trek-esque manner that will leave my atoms scattered through neighboring corners of the multiverse, I am preparing for the contingency of dying a bland, pedestrian death. In such a case here are some quotes that can be read at a memorial service, recorded on my cell phone’s voicemail, or affixed to my “head jar” (in case I live through into “Futurama” times).
- I’ll be waiting for all eternity for the next season of “Wayward Pines.”
- That which doesn’t kill you brings you one step closer to that which does.
- I was immortal right up until the end.
Inexpensive Solar Collector

September 17, 2009

I was reading an article in Popular Mechanics about solar energy when I came up with this idea. Solar panels are generally made out of relatively rare and expensive materials and have other drawbacks that, given our current technology, keep solar panels from being economically competitive with other methods of generating electricity such as coal and natural gas. While it is possible that improvements in solar panel technology may change this in the future, a more cost effective method of converting sunlight to electricity would reduce our toll on the environment. This is where solar collectors come into the equation. Is it possible to gather sunlight in such a way that could be used to generate electricity and be cheaper than current methods?

A company in New Mexico is working on reducing the cost of creating energy from sunlight. reflecting light onto a small area. The energy harnessed in turn powers a Stirling Engine which then creates electricity (pictured on the left). As I read the article I was impressed with this different approach to the problem. Honestly, I didn’t even know how a Stirling Engine worked. They could really be onto something here. The article mentioned the company has worked out all the technological issues, now they are focusing on reducing the cost of building these devices. The article noted that each of these dishes can power roughly 12 houses with electricity.

So I thought about it for a while, and I think there is a much less expensive way to achieve the same results. Here is how I would build a cheaper solar collector:

Step one: Acquire an OLD satellite dish. Not one of the 18 inch models that are currently in use. You need an old school dish that is several feet in diameter. Here is a good example:

Step Two: Acquire/buy several hundred blank CDs. Back in the day you could ask AOL for as many as you wanted, but I’m not sure that would fly today.

Step Three: Line the entire inside of the dish with CDs, with the exception of the very center, making sure the sure the most reflective side is facing up. This will allow for the sunlight to be concentrated at the focal point. Attach the CDs to the dish with bolts (in case they need to be replaced in the future), or Lee press on nails (if that’s all you have in your purse).

Step Four: Place a large sized convex mirror, maybe one from a truck side mirror, at the focal point of the dish. This is made easier by using the existing support structure of the dish. The purpose of the mirror is to focus the light back onto the exact center of the dish. (This will be where the engine is eventually placed). Finding a mirror with the correct curvature could take some work.

Step Five: Build a level circular base out of concrete. The diameter should be at least as large as the diameter of the top edge of the dish.

Step Six: Place the Sterling Engine in the center of the base.

Step Seven: Build a support structure for the dish. When finished, the base needs to be able to rotate freely in two dimensions in order to track the sun. It also must be able to accommodate the engine in the center of the dish that keeps the top of the engine at the center of the dish.

Step Eight: Build a mechanism for tracking the sun.

So how is this method better than what has already been built? The main improvement is moving the engine from the focal point of the dish to a stationary position underneath the dish. This reduces overall center of gravity and complexity since only the dish itself is moving. It also shades most of the engine, which relies on temperature differentials to produce energy. Also, the smaller scale would allow individual homeowners to build this device from a kit to provide some or all of their home’s energy needs.
Conservative Weather Channel

December 7, 2002

(Fade in to Jerry Falwell rhythmically tapping a pencil on the desk)

Falwell: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to the premiere of the Conservative Weather Channel. My name is Jerry Falwell and I’m here today with my co-host Pat Buchanan. How are you doing today, Pat?

Buchanan: I’m excited Jerry– excited to be here and grateful for this opportunity to finally create a weather channel for the conservative citizens of the world.

Falwell: I couldn’t agree more– While the liberal news bias has been well documented for many years now, most people are ignorant of how it has crept into the weather reports. We founded the Conservative Weather Channel, or CWC, to let people learn about the weather from a solid conservative perspective.

Buchanan: We like to think of the CWC as “the weather channel that Jesus would watch.” To start out, we eliminated the flashy introduction graphics. In its place we just have one of us tapping a pencil on the edge of the desk when the cameras start rolling. We considered several other ideas for the introduction. One option involved banging a large gong– it was a pleasing sound, but we didn’t want to get into the whole “Asian” issue.

Falwell: Good point, Pat. Our viewers aren’t interested in different cultures– those kind of people are too busy watching “The Jeffersons” on “Nick at Nite.” But enough small talk– lets get right down to the weather.

Buchanan: OK, Jerry. I was outside a few minutes ago, and it was raining. Everything else is mere speculation.

Falwell: You see, this is exactly what the CWC is all about. Those liberals over at the Weather Channel use all kind of fancy computers and satellites in a futile attempt to predict the future. Lets be honest here– that kind of attitude just flies right in the face of God. I don’t want to go so far as to say they are minions of Satan, but that entire operation sure would benefit from some good old fashioned God-fearing humility.

Buchanan: This morning I read the Bible and asked God to help me see His vision for today. With His blessing I researched past temperatures for this time of the year and factored in the sins of humanity. Using this data, we performed a statistical report to find the average mean high seasonally adjusted temperature. God willing, we can expect the high today to be 65 degrees, plus or minus 13.34 degrees. The range of course, is the statistically accepted two standards of deviation of the mean sample value.

Falwell: I’m glad you took the time to explain your methods instead of just picking a random number out of the air. So what would you suggest for our viewers that are going to be outside today?

Buchanan: Well, Jerry, I like to play it safe. Going outside with just a short sleeve shirt would simply be tempting fate. I suggest a long sleeve shirt, waterproof jacket, parka, earmuffs, sandals, sunscreen, a baseball hat with those flaps that cover the neck and ears, and of course six to ten road flares. Anyone going farther than the local grocery store should, obviously, take extra precautions.

Falwell: Now that’s what I call conservative! I can’t think of a better feeling than playing it safe. Do you have any information on long term weather patterns?

Buchanan: I believe residents of the San Francisco area should be prepared for a reign of fire. God is angry about all their non-Christian behavior and is getting ready to punish the entire vicinity to set an example for the rest of this great nation. Now I can’t say what the exact form of there complete and utter annihilation is going to be, but a sudden earthquake and falling into the Pacific Ocean seems like a distinct possibility.

Falwell: I can’t argue with you on that point. Well, that’s all the time we have for today. We hope you enjoyed the show. And remember folks, if you miss the show for some reason, just read the Bible and pray to God– He will help show you what to do. Good night, and God bless you.

(Jerry starts tapping on the desk again as the cameras fade out.)
Nights At The Round Table

October 30, 2003

North Korea has agreed, in principle, to six-way talks addressing Pyongyang’s controversial nuclear program. The complex agreement will bring North Korea, South Korea, China, Japan, Russia, and the United States together in an attempt to resolve the situation. While the details of the negotiations have not been finalized, it is widely believed the meeting will culminate in a no-holds-barred, winner-takes-all game of Chinese checkers.
24 UPS Commercial

April 16, 2009

This is another idea I’ve come up with for a new UPS commercial.

The entire commercial is similar to the style of the television show “24,” with views of different scenes at the same point in time.

Voice Over: “The following takes place between 5:00 P.M. and 9:00 A.M.”

A timer appears at the bottom of the screen with 5:00 P.M. on the left side and 9:00 A.M on the right. A UPS driver walks into an office building and picks up a next day air package from the front desk and the timer starts moving. He walks out of the office and the camera zooms up into the sky to show him overhead walking towards a UPS truck parked on the street. A label points to the UPS truck and identifies the package car number. The driver gets in and pulls away from the curb. A different color marker shows the path of the package car. The camera angle keeps zooming out. The path of the package can still be seen as the package car drives back to the center. Other paths and labels appear following different package cars as they head back towards the center.

The camera zooms down and into the building to show the package being taken out of the truck and placed on the belt. It then gets loaded on a feeder truck. The camera zooms out again and a new label is shown that follows the feeder truck as it drives to the airport. As it approaches the airport other feeder truck labels and paths can be seen. The camera zooms down and inside the cargo hold and shows the bin being loaded onto the airplane. It zooms back out and shows the path of the airplane. It zooms out enough to see the entire country. As night falls darkness gradually covers the country and lights of major cities can be seen. As the airplane approaches Louisville, Kentucky, UPS airplanes with labels and paths from all around the country can be seen approaching the airport, forming orderly lines preparing for their landing.

The camera zooms in again showing the package being unloaded and sorted in the facility. It gets loaded on a different plane and the camera once again zooms out and the paths of all the outgoing planes can be seen diverging from the center of the country. The process of zooming in and zooming out to show the progress of the package is continued throughout the process until the package is delivered. The timer slows down when the package is being handled and speeds up when the package is in transit to get the entire journey into a 30 second commercial. When the package is in a facility the map frame gets smaller and new frames pop up to show people moving the package. When it starts moving the map frame gets bigger and takes up the entire screen.

An interesting aspect of the commercial is that it could be made with actual global positioning data from UPS with an actual package. Just attach a small camera to the package and have a small camera crew follow it from point A to B. The zooming in and out would have to be done with some CGI magic. Ideally the package would go from the east coast to the west coast to maximize the distance traveled.

This idea is way beyond anything I can create with my current video production resources, so I figured I would put it up on my newfunny.com websites for the world to see and maybe someone can make it a reality.
Asset Management

May 4, 2009

Facing Chapter 11 bankruptcy, Chrysler announced a new “Employee Pricing Plus Plus,” incentive program Tuesday. A top executive at the automaker explained how the new system works. “Not only will employee pricing be offered for the purchase of all Chrysler, Jeep, and Dodge vehicles, but for a limited time customers will also receive an actual Chrysler employee. Have them clean up the yard, help the kids with their homework, or take the dog for a walk in the afternoons. When we start up our factories again we will have the employee shipped back with no charge to the customer.”
Lawyer Who

August 3, 2014

As a new season of Doctor Who is upon us, producers of the show are being tight lipped about episode story lines. Despite the increased security around this topic, the two part season finale will center around the Dalek invading the United States in an attempt to destroy the economy by simultaneously filing 100 million American with Disabilities Act lawsuits to every business which contains structures that are inaccessible to hostile invading alien species unable to go up a few stairs on their own.
In Television News

January 20, 2003

Fox announced plans today for yet another high-profile reality show. Twenty teenage female contestants will compete against each other for a year long contract to help promote maxi pads, tampons, and other feminine hygiene products. When asked how long this reality show theme can go on, one high ranking network official replied, “While the general public has several options with this genre, we strongly believe we have a hit concept with ‘American Midol.’”
A Sure Thing

November 12, 2002

An offshore gaming company recently stopped taking bets on the final outcome of ABC’s “The Bachelor.” Since taping the final episode, a highly disproportionate number of bets were placed for one of the two remaining candidates– leading officials to suspect the outcome of the show was leaked to the public. As a result, the company is also no longer accepting bets for previous lottery numbers, WWF Smackdowns, or the results of the 2002 midterm elections.
Siri Snooping

September 22, 2013

I’ve peered into my 17-months-into-the-future crystal ball, and a disturbing development has come to light. An unnamed evil marketing company has developed a new interactive robo-calling computer with the objective of selling a specific product or service. This practice, known as “Siri Snooping,” can simultaneously interact with tens of thousands of humans using countless different voice patterns and vocabulary sets based on individual personal data. Authorities are trying to track down the physical location of this rogue computer system with their primary suspect being, of course, “Watson! The Jeopardy Winning Computer.”
Ghost Protocol

November 10, 2013

Snapchat, the high-tech start up that lets users transmit text messages and images that disappear a few seconds after being sent, has recently turned down a $3 billion dollar offer from Facebook. When asked for a comment on the situation a high ranking yet unnamed official at the company replied, “We believe that there is a lot more money to be made by taking all this stuff everyone thinks is getting erased and selling it to the Russian Mob.”
Personal Grooming

April 4, 2009

Being a UPS driver, people often ask me how I keep my hands so clean given the grungy nature of my job. Actually, nobody has ever asked me that, but I have to start somewhere.

Every night when I come home from work I start the shower running and prepare what some would call my “Ancient Chinese Secret” for cleaning the deep seeded grime from my hands. This procedure uses two solid pumps from my 1.25 gallon Gojo dispenser and a light sprinkle of Ajax worked into all the nooks and crannies of my hand with a small oval shaped pumice stone. I scrub vigorously until the shower warms up, at which point I enter the stall and continue to shower in more or less the traditional manner. When I’m done in the shower, I dry off and rub a healthy amount of lotion into my hands.

Interesting points:

I’m pretty sure this is NOT an approved official use for Ajax.
For anyone considering robbing their neighbors in the near future, I believe this procedure is also effective at temporarily removing my fingerprints.
You may be asking yourself how this is Ancient, Chinese, or a secret. The old Chinese man I have locked in my basement taught me how to do it. Now that the secret is out, however, I’ll have to kill him. He will understand.
If I Had A Million Dollars…

May 10, 2021

If I had a million dollars

I would want a million more

(why not two million more?)

Good point… wait, what are you getting at?

(I think you are missing the point of the song.)

Oh, all right, let me start over.

If I had a million dollars

I’d buy us some time.

(that’s better)

But only good times.

(I think that goes without saying)

If I had a million dollars

We wouldn’t have to sleep on the floor.

If I had a million dollars

We’d buy a bed cause it costs more

If I had a million dollars

I’d buy us a brand new game of “Life”

And I would let you be the travel agent

(but I don’t think the new version has that job anymore)

So if I had a million dollars,

I’d go online and buy a vintage version of “Life”

And let you be the travel agent

If I had a million dollars

I’d buy you a real Bob Ross painting

(With happy trees?)

Extra happy trees!

If I had a million dollars

I’d buy the top tier of cable TV

Then cancel it since we’d have so much to go out and see

If I had a million dollars I’d buy your love

(Or at least your lust. I’m not sure how much your love goes for these days)

If I had a million dollars

I’d buy you a Model X

(But not a red one cause that’s crude)

If I had a million dollars

I’d buy you the world
Play Time

August 27, 2010

I’m not sure exactly how I got into this, but tonight I started reading rumors and speculations on the PlayStation 4. Since the original PlayStation came on the scene back in 1994, Sony has consistently developed a new system every six years. This would put the PS4 on the market in 2012.

My take (based on my own imagination more than anything else) is that the PS4 will be released just in time for Sony to introduce the successor to the Blu-Ray movie format. It will be the exact same size as DVDs and Blu-Ray discs, and it will be called “This is literally the exact same disc we send to the movie theaters.” Their marketing department might come up with a different name, but the concept will be the same. In addition to the best possible sound and video resolution, the PS4 will allow, in real time, the characters in the movie to be controlled through various console control devices as a bonus feature for all the nerds out there who need to recreate the Sarlacc Pit sequence in “Return of the Jedi.” “No, I get to be be Princess Leia.” “But I’m tired of being Jabba the Hut all the time!” “You don’t have the body for that space-aged bikini, and we both know it.” “I hate you! MOM! MOM! This isn’t fair!”

But I digress– you heard it here first, for whatever that is worth.
Most Effective Barrier Method

February 6, 2011

While various barrier methods of birth control have been around since the ancient Egyptians were putting up those lovely pyramids, I’ve come to realize the most effective barrier method to date.

Step one: The woman lays down on the bed on the left side. She can position herself on her stomach, back, or side– whichever position is most comfortable.

Step two: The man lays down on the other side of the bed. He too can position himself as to maximize comfort.

Step three: When the initial contact between the man and woman is made a signal is sent (the exact transmission method is unknown) to the one year old child sleeping in the adjoining bedroom. This signal causes the child’s “I don’t want you to have sex” alarm to be activated. The alarm system can only be deactivated by placing the child in between the man and the woman. At this point the infant will promptly go back to sleep. This guarantees the prevention of any type of sexual penetration for the rest of the night.

Category: Travel