Another Dot Com June 29, 2001
I get a lot of inside information about up-and-coming web sites. And I’m not just talking about unsolicited e-mail I get on my AOL account
Taking Care Of Business November 18, 2009
The shit really hit the fan today at work, so I confronted my supervisor and told him that somebody doesn’t know how to use that new high-tech bidet they put in the men’s bathroom.
Breaking New Ground November 20, 2005
President Bush visited Mongolia Monday to cap off his multi-nation Asian tour. When asked how it felt to be the first sitting US President to visit the former communist nation, the Commander in Chief replied, “I thought we were stopping for lunch at a Mongolian BBQ place– I didn’t realize we were stopping at the […]
Annoying Janet February 8, 2002
Now I’m not saying we peed “on” one of the most famous museums in the world, but I’m not going to say we didn’t pee “in the general vicinity” of said structure.
Wealth Tip September 3, 2013
Welcome to part seven of my randomly ordered, finite but arbitrary large set of financial tips: Hoard food coupons that do not contain expiration dates. If started early and executed properly, this method will provide free food between the years of 65 and 103.
Divide And Conquer May 20, 2002
Kristin just rolled her eyes at my suggestion to combine the two and name it “Sandwiches Good Enough For Jehovah.”
The Zero Effect October 21, 2002
A White House spokesman stated Monday that the United States will insist on a “zero tolerance” policy regarding weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. To put this in perspective, the Bush administration assigned Iran and North Korea, the remaining two-thirds of the “Axis of Evil,” tolerance levels of five and eleven.
Heavy Reading July 26, 2006
The hottest book on Amazon.com this week described the efforts of a morbidly obese man to become a functioning member of society once again. The title of the book is, “How I Lost 749 Pounds But Found It In The Sofa Cushions.”
Two For T January 10, 2014
I decided last night that when one person is in bed laying on their back and the other person is snuggled up on their side it is called “T-spooning.” Kat’s thoughts on my revelation- “Go to sleep already!”
Internet Cafe September 18, 2002
You see fellows, you are in the Internet Bar. In here all the rules of talking to people through Instant Messenger apply.
The War On Drugs June 12, 2002
The Bush administration today announced a new tool to help fight the war on drugs. The “Say No To Drugs” slogan currently printed on urinal cake holders will soon be replaced with a voice recording of John Ashcroft yelling “say no to drugs RIGHT NOW, or DEA agents will be dispatched to this location. You […]
How Computers Work Part 3 July 25, 2001
And don’t worry too much about the evil alien robot monkeys. The odds of them suddenly materializing in your bedroom are rather slim.
Xmas Party Story January 15, 2001
If you happen to be familiar with my annual Christmas letter you may be scratching your head thinking, “But Omar, it’s not anywhere near the end of the year– how can you already be posting your Christmas letter?” I decided that publishing my Christmas letter only once a year is not consistent with my idiom […]
Step One: Find A Partner February 6, 2010
a majority of Americans prefer to emulate their favorite masked Mexican wrestling superstars during sex.
Horse Play October 12, 2013
I was talking with my chiropractor the other day about “horse punching” in movies. He said they use trip wires to knock the horse over which seems pretty cruel to the animal. While he was twisting my neck back and forth I made the reassuring observation that “at least with today’s computer animation technology any […]
House Calls February 5, 2012
Mitt Romney is still working to clarify his statement, “I’m not concerned about the very poor.” On an unplanned trip to chat with reporters in the rear of his campaign jet, the former Governor of Massachusetts worked to explain his intentions of the comment in question. “No, no, no, no, no, no, no,” Romney proclaimed. “I […]
All By Four April 19, 2011
I had to explain some car stuff to my wife today. The difference between “four wheel drive” and “all wheel drive” is as follows: In a four wheel drive car the power from the engine is transferred to each wheel to improve traction and handling. All wheel drive does much the same thing, but the […]
Devilish Numbers April 28, 2003
Military troops in the Middle East are on high alert because April 28, 2003 marks Saddam Hussein’s sixty-sixth birthday. Still trying to locate the former dictator, Marine ground forces are questioning all Iraqi citizens who leave grocery centers with two or more “number six” candles.
Heading Out To San Francisco January 8, 2003
NOTE TO SELF: Come up with a witty and insightful “Rice-a-roni” joke to end the paragraph
Hertz So Good June 2, 2013
Notice to all Hertz rental offices in Northern California: After a complete analysis of our operation over the past decade, we have found a disturbing trend that has accounted for a disproportionate amount of revenue loss in the Northern California division. It appears that one organization has been responsible for a vast majority of our damage claims. […]
That Is Correct Your Honor April 15, 2003
Former “Tonight Show” sidekick Ed McMahon has been pursuing legal action against multiple defendants because of toxic mold that allegedly sickened his family and made his Beverly Hills mansion unlivable. The insurance companies and cleanup contractors received identical letters stating, “Congratulations! I may already be a winner– I’m suing you!”
Blow By Blow December 11, 2003
Pop singer Bobby Brown has been charged with battery after a weekend domestic dispute with his wife, singing star and actress Whitney Houston, left her with facial injuries. When questioned about the incident, Brown explained how the whole situation was just a simple misunderstanding. “All night long she just kept asking for a good smacking, […]
Election Coverage November 1, 2002
Republicans accused Democrats of turning the memorial service for Paul Wellstone into a rousing political rally. When asked about how the unexpected death of the Minnesota Senator is going to effect the upcoming election, one Republican looked around suspiciously before speaking in a calm and controlled tone, “Yes, it was an accident.”
A Tangled Web May 4, 2010
Designing a website consisted mostly of looking at other people’s websites and stealing their source code.
Gory Details November 18, 2009
ABC is working to quiet rumors of a major retooling of their science fiction drama ‘V’. One anonymous source reported, “yes, we are making one small change to the script after having consulted with Nobel Prize winner and former Vice President of the United States Al Gore. Now, instead of the visitors coming to take […]
Putting His Finger On The Problem November 6, 2008
My doctor’s prostate exam really left an impression on me. And by that I mean that all my poop is shaped like his finger.
Election Coverage September 18, 2002
After a close election in the Democratic nomination for governor of Florida, former Clinton administration attorney general Janet Reno conceded defeat to Tampa lawyer and first-time candidate Bill McBride. While generally cordial, she ended her concession speech by saying, “Sure, Mr. McBride seems like a nice enough guy, but when push comes to shove does […]
Iceland Photos July 12, 2024
Iron Chef Amsterdam April 20, 2011
Announcer: Welcome to the premiere of Traveling Iron Chef. While Chiarman Kaga Takeshi’s “Kitchen Stadium” vision remains a fixture of Japanese culture, he recently gave a direct order to his younger brother, Lou. Instead of bumming around Kaga’s apartment watching television all day, Lou has been instructed to travel to the ends of the earth […]
The B Team May 8, 2010
“Who are you freaks, and why are you sneaking up behind total strangers at the local Loaf ‘n Jug?” the woman asked after she sprayed a healthy does of concentrated pepper spray in their general direction.
2020 Christmas Letter December 25, 2020
If I ever end up murdered from a shattered “Best In Show” DVD being lodged in my neck and/or eye sockets, it was TOTALLY my wife.
Not in Russian Anymore March 3, 2012
I was looking through my wordpress admin page and I noticed more than 1,000 spam responses in the comments section. By default I don’t post any of these to my site, but just for fun I looked through some of the stuff that people are trying to get on my site. About half of the […]
2012 Christmas Letter December 25, 2012
Once the race started my craft went about ten feet into the water at which point something happened that could best be described as “sudden massive critical widespread structural failures.”
1997 Christmas Letter December 25, 1997
Well folks, it’s that time of year again– the days are getting shorter, annoying Christmas music is playing at the mall, the political forces that run our nation are gearing up for the next presidential election, and, of course, it’s time to publish my third annual Christmas letter. This brings up the question of whether […]
Shell Games December 7, 2001
Before going on I must point out that what I am about to say it pure speculation. Despite having an Arabic name I was born and raised in the United States (as were both my parents and three of my four grandparents). I don’t speak or write any language other than English and the few […]
Olympic Adventures Part 1 February 15, 2002
Despite my incredibly hectic schedule, I have managed to violate the known laws of physics by tearing a hole in the space time continuum large enough to permit a brief trip to the upcoming Olympics.
Mission Possible January 6, 2015
So I’m sitting here in my home on a quiet Saturday morning before anyone else has woken up thinking about things I want to accomplish in my lifetime. Here are a few randomly selected items on my list: Make a complete list of everything I want to accomplish in my lifetime (so I will know […]
Solo Weekend September 29, 2013
My wife doesn’t seem to want to watch Highlander with me much anymore. Well, that isn’t exactly true– she really never wanted to see it from, I suspect, the moment of her birth.
Another Exciting Friday Night January 26, 2013
My ongoing quest to get our DVD collection onto a network drive took a big step forward last night. I found a gizmo on Amazon that lets me turn an old USB drive into a network drive. Now I have someplace to download all of our movies that the Playstation 3 can recognize. This means […]
Skyrocketing Ambitions July 23, 2005
The House Friday overwhelmingly endorsed President Bush’s vision to send man back to the lunar surface as it passed a bill to set NASA policy for the next two years. Speaking anonymously, one Democratic congressman commented, “Maybe, just maybe, things will get better down here if we let the President focus on invading the moon.”
2010 Christmas Letter December 25, 2010
2011 promises to be another eventful year as (SPOLIER ALERT) the sequel to Isabel is scheduled to be released on May 31.
2017 Christmas Letter December 25, 2017
I think the best approach is to assume the quality of the instructions is adequate at best and for a completely different type of product in the worst case.
Personal Grooming April 4, 2009
You may be asking yourself how this is Ancient, Chinese, or a secret. The old Chinese man I have locked in my basement taught me how to do it.
I Just Knew It Was Going To Happen May 2, 2012
On April 16, 2012 an airline passenger was detained by the TSA due to luggage that contained two silicon breast enhancers that exceeded the TSA’s limit of 3.2 ounce limit on liquids and gels. Back on January 19, 2012 I made the following fake quote from the TSA after the “cupcake in a jar” ordeal: […]
Do Pennies Make Our Lives Better? December 19, 2000
Until last week I considered myself neutral on the entire penny issue. A recently published report sponsored by Americans for Common Cents (a pro-penny group backed by zinc companies) documents the effects if the Federal government were to take pennies out of circulation. Some of these negative consequences includes an effective 600 million dollar “rounding […]
Ode To Mr. Squishy Ball July 5, 2001
Try using the phrase “severe rectal itch” without it being funny.
Island Paradise July 11, 2003
An unidentified British financier recently spent $40 million for an apartment space facing Central Park in New York City. After the deal was finalized, the landlord warned the new tenant, “No loud music, no drugs, or I get you arrested and someone else gets your apartment.”
2000 Christmas Letter December 25, 2000
Welcome to the sixth year of the increasingly inaccurately named “Christmas Letter Trilogy.” The world seemed to have survived the whole Y2K scare without too much pillaging and plundering. Or at least there wasn’t any more than last year (adjusted for inflation). Despite the fact I didn’t get to spend six months in Europe this […]
Supporting Children December 4, 2002
President Bush signed into law legislation to create a new kids-safe domain on the internet. The “.kids.us” domain will contain content acceptable for children under the age of 13. When the president signed the bill, he went on record saying, “I support this child net safety law– especially after I saw that musical fella dangling […]
More Than Words February 11, 2003
At a Capitol Hill hearing regarding Homeland Security, FBI Director Robert Mueller reported, “the enemies we face are resourceful, merciless and fanatically committed to inflicting massive damage on our homeland, which they regard as a bastion of evil.” Later in the day the President of Iraq responded by asking the Director, “Hey, would you mind […]