Astronomers recently discovered the largest star in the Universe. Called R136a1, it is about 265 times more massive than our Sun.  “To put this in perspective,” one scientists closely involved with the discovery explained, “it is the biggest ball of hot gas ever found in one place– even larger than the previous record set in the late 1990’s when leaders of the Republican party all gathered together to hammer out the ‘Contract With America.’”

Rush Limbaugh on his plans if the new United States health care program is implemented:

Look here folks, all I’m saying is that if Obamacare gets implemented and all the sick people are rounded up, transported in military vehicles to various community swimming pools, stripped naked, and finally, after a five day wait, diagnosed by underage illegal immigrant veterinary students, then, yes, I’ll go to Costa Rica for any of my future medical care needs. And this has nothing– and let me be very clear on this matter– nothing to do with their clean, safe, and most importantly, no identification required Oxytocin bulk bin stores.

After causing the largest oil spill in U.S. history, British Petroleum announced today a $20 billion fund to compensate individuals negatively effected by this disaster.  In an unrelated story, BP released a statement to refineries noting a minor increase of $1 for the next 20 billion barrels it sells.